News & Updates

A Soreness in My Soul

2012-02-02T09:39:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I had to take Harper to the Pulmonologist for her synagis shot (to prevent RSV) and I was in a huge hurry. Harper had been very fussy all morning, not wanting me to set her down anywhere. That is very unlike her, but we dealt with it. I haven't taken her anywhere on my own since my surgery two weeks ago (more on that later), so it was a challenge to get myself and her ready and out the door. So much of a challenge, I actually forgot to put our dog, Blue, in her kennel before leaving the house. OOPS! Big no-no! Anyway, I got us in the car and all buckled in and started on my way. As I pulled out of the neighborhood, a song came on my radio that just took me back instantly to the operating room 3.5 years ago. It was a Jack Johnson song, Upside Down I think is the name of it. The anesthesiologist, Roger, played the Curious George soundtrack during my delivery of the boys. I hadn't thought about that in a long time. The song took me straight back and the tears just flowed. I could even smell the operating room. I could see the blue curtain. And I could feel my nerves rising up inside my chest cavity, making it hard to breathe. I remembered how it felt as Dr. Bruner was pulling and tugging and remembered him saying he was having a hard time getting the second baby out. I just let myself think about all of this and play it all out in my mind for about 5 minutes as I drove. Probably not smart, but I needed to let myself "wallow" for a minute, as I like to put it. Then I saw the boys all purple and lifeless as he held them up above the curtain for me to see and I heard the silence in the room. Everyone was holding their breath to see if the boys would take their first. And they did! The last thing I let myself remember was getting sick and telling Roger I needed something. This is gross, but I remembered how it felt like my insides were flying out all over the room as I heaved and Dr. Bruner saying "You're not hurting anything up here, we are fine." That was definitely the weirdest feeling I have ever felt. It probably was only in my mind, since I was numb, but I could feel pressure and movement as they moved things and placed things back, so maybe I did feel something. It was so scary. So that's when I cut my trip down memory lane off. The scary feeling of my insides strown across the room, and the sweet memory of my boys taking a breath all on their own, all mixed up into each other. I calmed myself down and drove to the hospital.
Isn't it amazing that one line in a song, or maybe even three little notes arranged just so, can take you back so vividly. On one hand, I treasure those memories and I love them because that is all I have left of Joshua and Caleb. On the other hand, it is painful and raw and hard to go back there. I feel "hung over" today from it, much like I feel the day after a migraine, only not in my head more in my soul. My soul is a little sore today. Sore from the memory, and also sore from the guilt. I should not be wallowing, look at the many blessings around me! Hello, wake up! Be happy, count your blessings. So as I walk by the boys picture a thousand times today on my way to the nursery, I will keep my eyes on Harper or the floor to spare my soul a little. I will pray all day prayers of thanksgiving. I will ask God to give them each more kisses and hugs from me, and try to soothe my soul with those sweet thoughts. Tomorrow it will be better because God is good all of the time. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

Sisters

2012-01-11T12:20:00.004-05:00

My girls are amazing sisters. Harper looks at Billie with such adoration, even at this young of an age. I hope that never changes. Billie absolutely is the most loving, tender, sweet, 10 year old big sister that ever could be. She is selfless when it comes to her sister. That amazes me every single time. She also loves to hold her sister and cuddle with her. She is always asking if she can "wash up and hold her." She sings to her all of the time, and makes up silly songs to entertain her with. She reads to her a lot, too. She just loves to spend time with her in any way. The other day Harper was fussy and I needed to wash bottles, Billie volunteered to lovingly sit on the couch and hold her fussy sister and before I knew it, Harper had fallen asleep in Billie's arms. I went to take her from Billie to lay her down, and Billie protested "OH, don't take the sweet wittle thing," so I just let her sit there and snuggle with her. I should have taken a picture of it, but I didn't. Billie could be watching TV, reading, riding her bike, or playing with friends but instead she wants to love on her baby sister. That may change as they both get older but for now I am going to watch it and enjoy it so that I can remember it always. It is so comforting to know that they will always have each other, even after we are gone, the girls will have each other to lean on and grow old with. I thank God several times a day for blessing me with these two amazing girls. They are both such miracles in their own ways. I know everyone feels this way about their children, and to most my girls are not any more special then the next, but I see in them a light that sparkles brighter than any other light I have seen before. Just being with them warms my soul and fills my cup to overflowing. Sometimes I let myself miss my boys and day dream about what our home would be like if they were sharing it with us, too. I know they would only make our lives that much brighter and fuller. But I also know they would have had pain and sorrow here and I don't want that for them. I am thankful they are with Jesus and I know they are whole and happy. Thank you God for my beautiful children, all 4 of them!

New Year, New Resolutions

2012-01-10T17:53:00.000-05:00

I am always apologizing for not blogging enough, so just know that I am always planning on blogging, daily really, but I jut don't always have the time. To catch you up, we had a great Christmas. It was so good to be together as a family and enjoy each other. Matt was sick with a respiratory virus and Harper got sick the day after Christmas with a respiratory virus and it was pretty bad but she did amazing. Matt stayed away from her from the minute he felt symptoms until he was well, but she still ended up catching it. She was a little fussy and didn't eat or sleep well, but once we got her started on the right breathing treatments she started to improve quickly. Bottom line, she was sick for about 10 days, but did not have to be hospitalized or on antibiotics and with her little lungs that was a miracle and we are thrilled. Since Harper didn't want to be set down at all, and she didn't want me to sit down either, I am pretty exhausted now and glad Matt is all better and can help again. She is feeling great and back to herself, too.

She learned to roll over this week! We are so proud, but now every time we lay her down she rolls to her tummy and this causes all kinds of anxiety for me! For the last few nights I have been flipping her back over to her back and she either wakes up or flips right back to her stomach. Needless to say, I haven't gotten much sleep. I have been praying that, of course, she will be OK even on her tummy, but also that God will teach me how to stop worrying and just give my worries over to Him. Be careful what you pray for, I know. I also keep telling myself that when Billie was a baby she had reflux so bad and I actually laid her on her belly to sleep because that was the only way she would sleep. She was much bigger than Harper, of course, but she was about the same age - 4 months old, which is Harper's corrected age, when we started putting her to bed on her belly. I still will never put Harper to bed on her belly, but at least I can get some comfort from these memories. Harper is great at rolling over, though, and I am very proud of her and how far she has come! She is trying to sit up now, too. If you sit her on your legs with her head on your knees she will do crunches in her attempt to sit up. It is so cute, and she even makes little grunting noises when she does it. She is a long way from sitting up on her own, but we can see her building those muscles in order to be able to.

I wanted to mention New Year's Resolutions here on my blog, mostly so that I have a record of what I thought of, and so I am held accountable, too. I have never made resolutions before, but I felt inspired by a mutual blogger/friend of mine who has similar goals and ideas as my own. So here goes, my resolutions for 2012 are:

1. Be in the Word every day. (So far so good, but I have always struggled with this my whole adult life - just saying.)

2. Get organized. (I could list in what areas, but really it is every area!)

3. Write and research how to get published. (Matt and others in my life are always telling me I should write a book, and I really want to so I am going to put that want into action. I will never have this opportunity again because I will eventually have to go to work and I do not want to waste it.)

4. Run again. (I started running again shortly after I had Harper and gave it up because it was just too soon and I wasn't healed from surgery yet. I used running to help me survive losing the boys and it turned out to be so therapeutic and amazing for me emotionally and physically. I need that back in my life and I miss it terribly.)

OK, now it is out there and I have to do it, right? I will address them from time to time, and you can all feel free to ask me about them if you want. I have this amazing life and such wonderful blessings and I want to share them and bless others, too. Resolutions have always just seemed like a waste of time, something people say they are going to do and never do. But I do want to make positive changes and what better time to make those changes than the beginning of the year? I am sure there are a lot of other changes in my life that I need to make, but these four have been on my mind for a while now. I want to be a person of action, not just always thinking, talking about, or planning to do things. At least I don't have any bad habits I have to give up for the new year! (Matt and Billie might disagree with that statement!)

And now...some pictures to make you smile until next time!

On her belly, I had just laid her down!

In her car seat loving on Minnie Mouse!

Sucking her thumb- she always has her hands in her mouth. She loves to shove her entire fist in her mouth, especially right after a meal - you know what then happens!

Laughs of an Angel

2011-12-20T11:06:00.003-05:00

This is a sweet video Billie made of Harper laughing at me. She doesn't laugh a lot and gets very quiet whenever we pull the camera out, so this was amazing footage and Billie did a great job, too! There is nothing sweeter sounding than my children's laugh, Billie and Harper both have amazing giggles! You can't help but smile when you hear them laugh. God is so good and I feel so blessed this year. I would never have believed all that we would go through if you had told me last Christmas, even though I was on bed rest this time last year. It was a very difficult pregnancy, and an even more difficult delivery and recovery - especially for sweet little Harper Grace, but it was SO worth it. She has worked so hard to get to this point. It is just a miracle to see her sweet smiles and hear her amazing laughter. I don't know if life on Earth can get any better than this! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

First Solids

2011-12-20T10:43:00.003-05:00

I only have a second, but I thought I would share this little video of Harper eating her first bite of solid food. We took her to her pediatrician yesterday and he started her on rice cereal. She weighed 10 pounds 5 ounces! Such a big girl! The conversation Matt and I have about it is funnier than Harper eating for the first time! Good times, lol! Enjoy...

Christmas Memories

2011-12-12T08:49:00.003-05:00

Hello! Sorry it has been over a month since our last update. We have been so busy. Harper and I are getting into a better schedule/routine, though, and I am able to get more things accomplished. I enjoy her so much. She is such a good baby. She does rule the roost, but what baby doesn't? Billie always did, too. Harper doesn't really cry much at all, even when she is hungry. She doesn't like to be woke up so if a loud noise startles her or I have to put her in the car seat while she is still asleep, then she screams at me. She fights sleep, too, and will usually cry when I lay her down, or even if she is very sleepy and we are still holding her she will rub her eyes and cry. But it usually doesn't last more than 3 minutes and she is out. Except for during a meal, she doesn't fall asleep in our arms much anymore. She wants to lay in her bed and sleep on her own. Or stay up for hours on end! She naps her best in the morning, but does take several short naps in the afternoon. She has been sleeping through the night quite a bit, and usually wakes up only one time during the night. There are exceptions to all of this, of course, like the day she got her synagis shot. It is kind of like a flu shot, but intended to prevent RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus). I may have already blogged about this, but just to be sure everyone understands, RSV is a virus everyone can get, but in babies it is very dangerous and in preemies and those babies with lung problems, it can be deadly. If she were to get RSV she would more than likely be on the ventilator again, and she may not even survive it. The shot is given during RSV season and it is only good for 30 days, so she gets one a month for 5 months. The nurse said they are painful shots, and Harper agrees - she screams for 20 minutes at least after she gets it, and then is so fussy the rest of the day and night. It really hurts her feelings, and it breaks our hearts.When she gets normal boosters, she screams for about 1 to 3 minutes and then is fine. The shot doesn't necessarily keep her from getting RSV, but if she does get it, hopefully it will not be as bad of a case. But hopefully we can keep her from getting it all together by not having her around anyone. The thing with RSV is that you don't really know you have it as an older child or adult, it can just be a runny nose for you because you have the antibodies to fight it off. Harper doesn't have that ability. SO we will keep her isolated through RSV season, which means no Christmas parties for Harper. I do take her out some, but I keep her in her car seat covered up and I do not allow anyone to even look at her. If I hear someone sneeze or cough, I run the other way, too! I don't take her out much, though. Usually Matt or I stay home with her and the other goes where ever we need to go with Billie. Or we just don't go at all. We have taken her to church twice now, but we don't let anyone get close and go to the early service and sit in the section no on else sits in. It's so nice to go to church as a family again - I can't even explain it. I know Billie loves it, too. Enough rambling, sorry. But I know I didn't really understand all of the RSV stuff before I had babies.

Christmas is bitter sweet, as I am sure it is for everyone. As we pulled out the decorations, so many of them brought back sweet memories of Michael and of Joshua and Caleb. There's always part of me that longs to be with each of them, and Christmas is always the hardest. We have ornaments that were Michael's as a child, and our "just married" ornaments that I love to put on the tree, but always shed a few tears as I pull them out. Billie loves to hang his fishing themed ornaments every year. It always leads into fun stories about her daddy, and Billie loves nothing more than a fun story! We also have ornaments that were purchased with the boys in mind. They never had a first Christmas, but we always felt we should include them in our Christmas traditions. They are still such a big part of our family and always on our hearts and minds. I always let my mind wonder a little bit about what they would be doing this year had they made it to this, their 4th Christmas. Then I try to picture them in heaven and I still fight with myself and my mind's picture of them in heaven. Are they conjoined or separated in heaven? People have strong opinions about this. Most people feel they are for sure separated and their reason is that heaven is perfect and we receive perfect, heavenly bodies when we arrive there. But the truth is that none of us actually know, we just try to interpret what we read in the bible. I am sure the answer is actually there, but since it is open to our interpretation, I won't feel like I really know until I see them again for myself. The thing is, while others may see them conjoined as not perfect, God doesn't make mistakes and they were not a mistake. They were perfectly made by God. They were so beautiful. I know there bodies were not made to survive here on Earth, but maybe they had exactly what they needed to be in heaven. Maybe their bodies were perfect for heaven. Maybe God had great things for them to do in heaven and they needed to be conjoined to do those great things. I know I have mentioned these thoughts in the blog before, but it just is fresh on my mind and good to get out. The same thing I say to myself about Michael to make myself feel better, that he is cured in heaven and has a new body with out cancer, is the thing that has me so perplexed about my boys in heaven. I don't know why I struggle so much with this. If I am honest, I would say it is guilt. Because part of me thinks if they had just separated on time in the womb, they would just be perfect identical boys and they would be here with us this Christmas. It is that part of me that still wishes that would have happened, even though I loved them so much just the way the were and I know it is selfish of me to wish it. I feel guilty for wishing they were here with me instead of with Jesus. I feel guilty for wishing they would not have been conjoined, because I know that was God's will and I got to witness such a wondrous outpouring of love around us because they were conjoined. I also feel guilty because if they had survived, I probably wouldn't have Harper today. I can not imaging my life without Harper! She is such a blessing, and such a miracle. All of this is just to say, I still struggle every day. I struggle with what I have and what I don't have. I miss Michael, and feel guilty for missing Michael because I am so loved and so blessed. I miss the boys and feel guilty for missing the boys, because I am so blessed with the two beautiful girls I do have. But I can tell you a person is not replaceable. One person does not replace another.

Matt spent the other night compiling a list of addresses for me to help get the Christmas cards addressed with. While he was searching on his computer, he found pictures of Joshua and Caleb and couldn't stop himself from looking. Looking, wallowing, call it what you want, but it surprised him how hard it was still this many years later to look at the day they were born. The feelings are still there, you just push them way down inside and secure them there. Some days are easier than others, and you have more minutes or hours in between that you don't think about them, but they are always there. They say time heals all wounds, but I think the wounds are still there and we just find ways to put bandaids on them. Those bandaids get ripped off, sometimes when we least expect it, and it still hurts just as much. We learn to live with the heart ache. You don't ever stop loving. I walked into his office as he was looking, saw one picture and ran right back out, knowing I wasn't emotionally able to go there that night. Some days I want to and can handle it better than other days. I was already so emotional from the decorations and just with it being Christmas time, plus being sleep deprived and exhausted from taking care of Harper, I knew there was no way I could go there.

Now our tree is decorated and the sweet ornaments that bring back memories are hung and are free to remind us. There are funny memories, like the ornament I affectionately refer to as "The Taj Mahal" which is Matt's and his grandma made it many years ago. Let's just say it's an attention getter from the 70's, and leave it at that! There is the adorable paper ornament with Billie's 5 year old smiling face on one side labeled "nice", and her pouty face on the other side labeled "Naughty!" We have lots of frogs on our tree, since Billie is a frog-maniac, and lots of Disney ornaments, since I am a Disney-maniac. There is no theme to our tree other than it represents our fun and crazy family. This year we will add some to it to represent Harper and Billie and this time in their lives'. Next year when we pull out the decorations, we will be fighting with a 20 month old toddler trying to pull everything down and put everything in her mouth! Maybe we will have to put a barrier between her and the tree to keep her from pulling it down on herself! I don't know what kind of a toddler she will be, but I kind of think she will give us a run for our money, just judging by the fight and determination God has clearly instilled in her - thus her surviving from such a teeny-tiny start! I have been mentally preparing myself for that. I keep telling myself, when she throws a fit when she is 2, or her first word is "NO!" I will have to just thank God and laugh because that is why I have her here with me to begin with! You all remind me of that if I need it though, Okay?

I am sure you are ready for the latest pictures, right? SO here they are:

Harper at the apnea/pulmonology office -- They weighed her in at 10 Pounds on the dot!! And just shy of 21 inches! Our girl is growing! I love this picture - her expression is so funny, almost a "snotty" look!
How cute are these two? Best hat ever, too. It is so warm and it actually stays on her head!
Billie checked out a book from her school library just to read to her sister. SO SWEET! So we put them in Christmas PJ's that night and snapped a few presh pics!
OK, not a great pic of us - you try to hold a baby and take a picture of three girls with HUGE eyes that always blink! IT was so fun, I just had to include it. We laughed so hard doing this, even Harper was laughing. Not that you can really see it, but this was in front of our tree.

This was Sunday after church, Harper's second time attending church. She was so quiet both times, and really enjoyed the music. Billie and Harper are so adorable together. Harper just lights up at Billie's face or voice. And Billie is just so in love with her little sister. I so enjoy watching her interact and even just listening to her talk to her sister in the car as we run errands or pick Billie up from school. Billie is so animated with Harper and knows just how to cheer her up or calm her fussiness. We are so blessed.

Happy Halloween

2011-11-03T05:50:00.003-04:00

My little Pumpkins
At her 6 month old check up...such a big girl!
Doing PT at Dr. Trainers
All smiles at the eye doctor

My pirate and zebra...so cute and so sweet!

Happy Halloween, a little late! Hope you all had a fun Halloween. We had a great one. Harper had physical therapy on Halloween, her first visit since her discharge from the hospital. Dr. Trainer taught us lots of "exercises" to do with her. It's mostly just playing and getting her to bring her arms in to mid-line. God has an amazing plan, always. Babies that are term are all squished and crowded in the womb at the end of the pregnancy so they naturally have their arms and shoulders brought to the front of their bodies so that eventually they are able to grasp items and stick them in their mouth - important skill for feeding themselves. Preemies are never crowded so their arms splay out to their sides and unless you work with them to get their arms in front of them, they are not able to self-sooth or grasp items, which would cause them to be delayed. So now we work with Harper three times a day plus during feedings to bring her shoulders in and to the front of her body, and her hands to the middle, too.
We also got to see a former NICU-mate (totally made that term up, but I like it!), Milly and her mommy, Jenny. They were also having their first appointment with Dr. Trainer. It was so good to see them, if only for a few minutes. You really bond with the families that are going through similar situations as you are in the NICU. I have missed Jenny and Milly so much. I even got to hold Milly for a few minutes! She is just adorable. She is like the polar opposite of Harper, it is so funny! She is as blonde as can be and has the prettiest blonde complexion ever! Jenny teased that Harper will be getting a tan while Milly will be sitting under the biggest shade tree ever as they get bigger! And she is so big, over 11 pounds now! It's amazing the difference a few pounds makes in a baby. It was so good to see them.
After we got home, I took Billie to Aunt Lique's to trick-or-treat with Mallory while Matt stayed behind with Harper and handed candy out to our trick-or-treaters. Billie had a good time, even if she didn't get a lot of candy. She got enough, though. We have a rule in our house, after two weeks, the candy left over from Halloween is trashed to make room for Thanksgiving and Christmas treats. There is still no way she will finish her bag before the two week deadline, even if she got about 1/4 of the candy she usually gets. Angelique had lots of food and treats for us all to enjoy and it was nice to just sit and visit with our family for a while. Meanwhile, poor Matt was dealing with a screaming baby pretty much the whole time we were gone. She doesn't get fussy every single day, but if she does you can pretty much bet it will be between the hours of 5 and 9 pm. Usually the only thing that finally calms her down is to nurse her, something Matt can do nothing about! By the time we got back, she had cried so hard she was passed out in his arms.
All of her appointments have gone good the last two weeks. She is up to 8 pounds 7.5 ounces, and 20.5 inches long. She got her flu shot and her next round of boosters. Her eyes look good as far as the ROP, and she also saw Dr. Gitchlag to check her vision and he said her eyes look like a term baby of 2 months, which is her corrected age. Dr. Trainer, the PT, was pleased with her progress, too. She made me feel a lot better. I was concerned with the way Harper holds her arms and hands, but Dr. Trainer said she is just premature and her movements are just in relation to that. As far as her holding her thumbs in her fists all of the time, Dr. Trainer also thinks that will improve in the coming months and is not CP, which is what I was worried about. Only time will tell, but all in all, she is doing fantastic! I hate to end this so abruptly, but it is time to get Billie up for school. Hope you all have a great day and I will try to update again soon. Thanks for the love, support, and prayers!

Flash Back Friday

2011-10-21T11:03:00.004-04:00

The return of Flash Back Friday...

Billie the day we brought her home...

And here is Harper...

Wearing the SAME OUTFIT, 10 years later!

Isn't that great?! I am so glad I saved the outfit I brought Billie home in. Billie was newborn and almost exactly the same size as Harper is at almost 6 months old. I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around that. Harper seems so big now, and her size is so normal to us, but she should really be much bigger. She is over 8 pounds now, I don't know exactly what she weighs because we haven't had to take her to the doctor this week! That's right, not one doctor visit this week, at all! Of course, we will make up for it next week when she has 5 different appointments, but it has been nice to give her a whole week off. She doesn't mind going to the doctor, really. It's not like they stick her every time, or give her shots every time. But this week she will have shots for her 6 month check up, plus a heal prick and she hates the eye doctor and she has to see the retina specialist and the pediatric optometrist this week. We also will see the apnea/synagis and she will get her first RSV vaccination soon and we visit the physical/occupational therapist this week, too. So, it is a busy week coming up and we have enjoyed the week off.
All of these visits are really just routine, though, and just so that everyone can keep a watchful eye on our growing girl. She is doing excellent! As you can see from the picture, she may be the size of a newborn but she does not act like a newborn at all. She is very vocal now, laughing and cooing at us and at her mobile. She holds her head up so good, too. She has discovered her hands and loves to "chew" on them all of the time. She actually prefers her hands to the paci when she is awake. We are just so blessed. She is our little miracle. I looked back yesterday at pictures from the day she was born and was just awestruck at how far she has come. She is so strong and brave and I am humbled at what the Lord has done for her and for us. I can't imagine our family without her now, and I am so thankful for every minute of my life. I my have had some hard minutes, but they were worth it to get to this.
Billie is doing great in school. I met with her teachers this week for parent/teacher conferences and they just love her and sing her praises. Her report card comes home today, but I already know she made second honors, and almost first! She was so close to straight A's! Maybe next time. She says that is her goal, to make straight A's, and she is so close. I know she can do it. She is a very good student and a very hard worker. I will keep you posted on that front as the year progresses. She loves her sister and is so sweet with Harper. Harper just adores Billie, too, of course. Billie is so caring and tender with her sister. I know I have said it before, but I would not have planned to have my girls 10 years apart, but it really has worked out just fine. I think they are growing closer every day and I think that will continue to the rest of their lives. I pray they are always close and special in each others lives.
Harper is waking up, so I must go. I wanted to tell you about Harper "talking" to the picture of her brothers but that will have to wait until next time! I hope to get a video of it, so maybe that will be over the weekend while Matt is home to help me.

Every Smile and Ounce Count

2011-10-08T06:01:00.002-04:00

I am so sorry it has been so long since my last post. I totally mean to blog every day, even "write" entries in my head as I try to fall asleep, pump, or pace the floors with Harper and somehow the day gets by me and no blog has actually been completed. So to make up for it, I included a sweet video of Harper talking to me. She is all smiles whenever she wakes up, and loves to stretch her vocal chords with sweet coos. Those smiles are the most rewarding and uplifting sights to my eyes, and the sounds are the sweetest to my ears. I just have to reflect on how far Harper has come since April 23! She was so tiny and sick when she was born, and look at her now! You have to see the amazing way the Lord works when you see her talk and smile. God is so good and has been so good to me.
Yesterday when I picked Billie up from school we had to take something to Matt at work and the whole drive out there, which is about 25 minutes, she talked to Billie and smiled at her. It was the sweetest thing in the world to listen to my 10 year old talk baby talk to her sister. Billie has got to be the best big sister in the history of big sisters! She always puts Harper first - always, no questions asked, no whining, no complaining and even with a joyful heart! If I had not been driving I would have taken video of it to keep forever and to share with you, too. You will have to take my word for it, but it was a beautiful sight to behold. I would not have planned to have children ten years apart, but God is blessing me so much through this experience. Billie is so mature and amazing, but she doesn't try to mother Harper, either. We have all just put these new "hats" on in our family and they all fit superb and are so comfy, too. Billie just naturally loves her sister to pieces and appreciates the little strides Harper makes. Billie gets so excited to receive a smile or a coo from her sister, and she treasures every second she gets to spend with her, too. I just can't tell you how blessed I am to see my daughters together. They each are so strong and amazing, and the two together are just enough to make my heart completely burst with gladness.
To get to the "ounce" part of my blog title, Harper is gaining weight! Yes, it may be ounces - but put every ounce together and they add up to POUNDS! 7 pounds, 6.5 ounces, to be exact! She is doing so great! She has really taken off on eating this week, too. Just last week, 40 mL (just over 1 ounce) was an average meal for her, and this week her smallest meal is 70 mL - almost double - and her big meal of the day is 95mL (over 3 ounces!) With that big jump she isn't spitting up, either. We no longer have to force feed this sweet baby, she gobbles it up all on her own. Dr. Greg said after she hit 7 pounds everything would get better and it sure has! Since he was so right about this, and everything else so far, too, when he tells me not to worry about her hernia or if she might have CP, I am going to listen to him. Harper has such an amazing team of doctors and nurses working for her future and watching over her, I am just trying to love her and nurture her and let all of them worry about the serious stuff. I say that and I mean that this morning, but I do admit that I may have moments of weakness in the future when I worry about some of it again. But "when I am weak, then I am strong," 2 Corinthians 12:10 is always on my mind and it helps me to remember God is perfect in my weakness and He has this. All of this. He always has and He always will. God is so good that He keeps giving me more chances, too! So back to how everything has gotten better, Harper is now sleeping so good. She is still in her pac 'n play, but that is fine with us. I still put her in her crib during the day to play and try to get more used to it. I think it is just still too big for her, she likes to be in a little cocoon all snug and safe. She sleeps 4 to 6 hours at night, and I think some nights she would sleep right on through if I let her, but until she is 8 pounds we will not be letting her go that long with out a meal. Usually she goes 4 hours for the first feeding and then back to 3 hours for the rest, but last night she went a full 6 hours! She usually goes right back to sleep after she eats, too. She has has a few bad nights sprinkled in there, too, where she just doesn't want to sleep and all she wants to do is eat. I have noticed that I can predict if she will have a fussy day by the kind of night she has. If she sleeps good at night, she has a great day with lots of long naps and she eats good, too. If she is up all night, she has a terrible day needing to be held all day and eating only small, frequent meals.
She has started getting fussy every night for about an hour, usually between 5 pm and 9 pm. Sometimes it lasts up to three hours, but usually I can figure out something to fix it and it is always because she is over tired. I guess that is colic, right? Billie did the same thing and it resolved when she was three months old. Harper's corrected age is two months and she really seems like a two month old baby. The changes and strides she has made tells me she is going to be OK. I am sure she will "catch up" eventually and we will one day say "can you believe she was even a preemie?" Since she was born I have heard wonderful stories of other preemies that are now in college and are so smart and so successful and you would never know they were preemies. In fact, my own sweet cousin, Kelly Wells, is one of those preemies! I had no idea until Harper was born that Kelly was a preemie, either! Born around the same gestation as Harper, too. She spent 4 to 6 months in the NICU, and now she is a Crime Scene Investigator (CSI)! How cool is that?
Every ounce counts, and Harper is gaining 1/2 ounce to 1 ounce a day! She is just a little miracle, and I can't wait to see how the Lord uses her. We are so blessed and so happy!
To update you on Addison - she had her shunt placed this week. She has been doing pretty good, considering the seriousness of the surgery. She came off the ventilator a few days after surgery and is breathing good on her own. They are now just praying that there will not be any infection. They do have her back on NJ feeds, and Rachel said she is spitting up some. She was very swollen still from the surgery since last I heard from Rachel, but it was getting better. Her eyes remained stable, but she does have Stage 3 ROP with a little Plus disease in one eye, so she remains at risk for eye surgery. Please continue to pray for this sweet family. They have been through so much and have a long road ahead of them. The shunt surgery was a big step on the road home, though. The shunt is permanent and will require additional surgeries as she grows and will always be at risk for infection or failure.
Milly is doing really good! She is over 11 pounds now! We will get to see them on Halloween when both girls have a doctor appointment at the same office. I can't wait to see them. I made such sweet, life-long friends in the NICU. I am so thankful for Rachel and Jenny and that our girls will all have each other.
We have big things happening this month so I will try to update more often. Until then, thank you for your continued love and support!

Happy 1st Day of Fall

2011-09-23T06:36:00.005-04:00

My Great Grandma holding me(1973). I knew Harper looked like me, but I really didn't know how much until my mom brought me these pictures. Amazing!

Me at about 4 months old, I think (1973). Harper even has my smile!

Harper just relaxing with me on the couch and I snapped a couple shots.

Harper "cooing" - she loves to talk to me especially when she first wakes up. I LOVE listening to her and watching her sweet expressions as she tells her stories.

Harper and Billie playing together. Every day Billie is still so excited to hold her, play with her, and read to her. It is so wonderful to see how amazing their relationship is and how it grows stronger every day.

Happy fall, y'all! So happy to be having the gorgeous weather we are having. The humidity hasn't been nearly as bad and the temps are in the low 80's. Today is officially the first day of fall and it is supposed to be sunny and '75 here in Knoxville. Billie is out of school today so us girls are going to do something fun together.

Harper is doing great. Just slowly growing, up to 6 pounds 12 ounces as of last Friday at the pediatrician. I was pretty devastated she wasn't 7 pounds yet, but her doctor isn't concerned but is happy with her progress still. She is sleeping so much better! I actually have to wake her up to feed her every three hours. When we go back next week, if she is over 7 pounds, I am going to ask if I can let her sleep through the night. I think she would sleep 6+ hours if I let her! Wouldn't that make a new woman out of me?! As it is, I wake her up, change her diaper, feed her, and she goes right back to sleep. She is sometimes a little fussy at night when she is fighting sleep, but usually rocking her and feeding her a snack will help her fall asleep and then I can lay her down. She loves to be swaddled, the tighter the better! She always tries to scoot herself down into the swaddle until her face is in the covers. I am constantly pulling the covers back away from her face. Luckily, we still have the heart monitor, but when that goes we will have to take away all her blankets. I am sure that will impact her sleep again, but I can't take the risk of her suffocating with a blanket, especially since she insists on covering her face up. She hasn't had any apnea or brady episodes in so long - it's been weeks, so many that I can't even remember when the last one was! That is just amazing. It's funny, though, when I go out by myself, which is only about once a week, it never fails I hear some sort of "beeping noise" and my heart jumps into my throat and I go into panic mode for about 2 seconds! At least the microwave at home isn't doing that to me anymore! I have to laugh at myself when that happens, though. I guess you just wait to jump into action when you hear that monitor go off, that you kind of program yourself to jump at any loud beep. I can just see myself now tackling a poor elderly woman in one of those grocery store motor-buggy things and shaking her silly to "revive" her after her buggy was beeping to warn others of her backing up. That is usually the noise that sets me off. So far I have been able to control my self, and even hide my panic, although I have startled a few fellow shoppers standing close to me in those first few seconds of my reaction.
Harper's eyes are still doing great. The doctor said Tuesday that they looked a little better again this week. Regression takes a very long time, but I feel very confident she will not be facing a surgery for sure now. She still has to have them checked every 10 days, but I think it will not be long until they let her go two weeks between check-ups. It does wear her out to get her eyes checked, she screams her head off from the second they start the exam until they are done. Luckily, it only takes about 2 minutes, but it is an excruciating 2 minutes for Matt and me. As soon as they are done, she stops crying and is easy to console, though. They say it doesn't hurt, but I am not convinced. She just doesn't really cry any other time. She might let out a little scream here and there if she is fighting sleep or hungry, but it is literally one scream and she is done. From the second they prop her eyes open with that mid evil contraption she screams until they take it back out. And it is a blood-curdling scream with great big tears, and a face as red as a tomato. The contraption that holds her eyes open also leaves imprints on her face kind of like pillow marks that last ten minutes up to hours later. But it doesn't really matter because it is necessary, better a few minutes of her screaming every 10 days than risk her vision.
There were conjoined twin girls born in Chicago two weeks ago. Through the internet I am still connected to a lot of families of conjoined twins. The girls are doing good so far, getting a little oxygen support and NG feeding, but surviving. I can't remember exactly what organs they share, but I know they are side by side and share a heart, and only have two legs. Can I confess a little envy that they get to meet their girls and love them and take care of them? Not that I don't want that for them, of course I do and it is what I have been praying for them. I just wish so bad I could have had more time with my boys. I wish they had also beat the odds and surprised all of their doctors the way Hope and Faith have. I can hardly remember holding them and how they felt in my arms. It seems now like a lifetime ago. It was such a short time we had with the boys, and those few hours have to be enough to last in your memory for a lifetime. If I am having a hard time remembering 3 years later, what will happen when I am old and gray? (OK, I am already gray, but you know what I mean) I don't want to forget, I don't even want the memories to fade or get dull. Harper now weighs exactly what the boys weighed together. That is amazing to me. Sometimes when she is asleep in my arms I try to make myself feel her weight in my arms and see if it jars any memories of holding the boys in my arms. Not that I am comparing her to them, but just trying to jog my memories to bring them out and let them tickle my senses and hang in the air around me. It is good to remember as long as I don't wallow. I will always love and miss my boys. That is just never going to change. They can not be replaced, and I don't' want to even try. But I am so blessed with two amazing daughters that fill my days and heart with utter joy. I love remembering my boys and I hope I can always keep those memories close and vivid, but I love living my life with two daughters even more. God has blessed me beyond measure and as I said the other day, "My cup runneth over..." God is good all of the time - Happy 1st Day of Fall to you! Thanks for taking time to visit and keep up with us.

Steady as She Grows

2011-09-06T04:15:00.005-04:00

All smiles...she smiles great big smiles at me when I smile at her now! There is nothing more rewarding in the world then a baby smile from ear to ear - it makes everything worth it!
Starting to "coo" a bit! She likes to talk to the animals on her mobile, especially her monkey!

Good morning, everyone! Harper finally has her nights and days straightened out, which means a lot more sleep for mommy! We are doing excellent, and more importantly, she is doing wonderful! She weighed in Friday morning at 6 pounds 5.5 ounces and her pediatrician graduated her to a visit every two weeks instead of once or twice a week! She will sleep 4 hours at a time now if I let her. I only do that once a day/night, though, because I want her to keep gaining weight steadily. She usually eats every two and a half hours, like clockwork she gets hungry and will wake up to eat. But after her late night feeding around 10 or 11, she will sleep 4 hours straight before wanting to eat. As long as she keeps gaining weight good I will continue to let her do that because it helps me feel like a person again to get 4 hours in a row like that! Of course it never fails, I wake up in a panic because I haven't heard from her in a while so sometimes I get two hours, wake up and check on her, and then get about an hour and a half because, unlike Matt who falls asleep before his head hits the pillow, it takes me a while to fall asleep. We still are striving to get her to 7 pounds, but we are getting very close!
She has an appointment with the apnea/synagis clinic and the eye doctor this week. Last week her eye doctor said there was new growth in zone 3 of her eye, which is what we want! It means some of the blood vessels were able to get past the line of demarcation from zone 2 to zone 3 instead of balling up and pulling on the retina, which would have meant plus disease and surgery. This was a huge milestone and exactly what we have been praying for and waiting for. It also meant he would let her go 10 days between visits instead of 7, which doesn't seem like a lot, but three extra days will add up eventually and make life a little easier for us plus keep her away from germs a little longer.
Billie has been sick. She woke up last Thursday with what seemed like allergies, so we started on allergy meds. Then Saturday she woke up feeling really bad, so I called her grandma and asked them to come get her (to try to protect Harper from it, just in case). She never had a fever, but RSV in us is just a cold and not a big deal, but in Harper it would be devastating...it would mean a hospital stay possible on a ventilator or even worse, so if any of us get anything similar to a cold or respiratory illness we will have to be kept away from Harper. So Billie went to her grandparents for the rest of the weekend, and I disinfected the whole house. Billie went to the doctor on Monday and it was a sinus infection. She came home Wednesday after school. It was horrible to send my sick baby away, but she understood and was in the next best hands to my own with her grandma. She is such a trooper, never complains and always puts her sister first. We are so blessed with the most generous and caring daughter. She missed her sister so much when she was gone, too. Billie is better now, but still has a little lingering effects.
Rain, rain and more rain. I feel sorry for those who did have Labor Day plans yesterday because we got about 5 inches of rain. I am sure the lakes around here were like ghost towns. It is still raining today and will continue through out today, but not as heavy as it was yesterday. We stayed in, and of course would have even if it had been a sunny day, but I know it is usually a day that marks the end of summer around here. It will still be hot for another month or so, though. We usually go to Boone Lake to Matt's parent's boat house for a fish fry. This weekend was Matt's birthday, and we had tickets to go to Detroit to see the Tigers play. His family still went, and actually my dad was able to go and use one of our tickets (we sold the rest online once we had Harper and realized we wouldn't be able to go.) It was a sweep, the Tigers played three good games and everyone had a good time. Matt was a little disappointed, he has never been to Comerica Park, but he said there really was no place else he would rather be than home with us. I tried to get him to go with his parents, but he chose to stay home instead. I promised him I would take him when Harper is older, though. Maybe next year!
So today begins a 4 day work/school week and cooler temperatures for us! Harper and I will enjoy the cooler temperatures on our walks once the rain stops. She loves her stroller and always has a good nap on our walks. I enjoy the exercise and getting out of the house helps me keep my sanity! I am really a home body, though, and I am not struggling with cabin fever yet. That may change, but for now I feel so blessed to have my family together under one roof and have this miracle little baby to care for. I am living my dream right now, being a stay-at-home mom with two miraculous daughters and a wonderful husband. I am just counting my many blessings and enjoying what God has given me. God is so good, all of the time!

Apnea Scare

2011-08-20T16:29:00.001-04:00

So we are back in the hospital, but hope to go home tomorrow. She started having a lot of apnea episodes night before last so her pediatrician wanted to play it safe and admit her. We think it's reflux, but aren't sure yet. Her caffeine levels are very high so we are stopping that dose for now and she has started on meds for reflux. I'll update when I can but your prayers are greatly appreciated.

Happy Due Date

2011-08-09T05:14:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was Harper's due date! We took her to the pediatrician yesterday and she weighs 5 pounds 4.5 ounces. She is gaining slowly,but at least she is gaining. He wants us to slowly try to inrease her feeds. I can hardly believe she is 3 1/2 months old on her due date! We are so blessed to have her home and doing so well. Since she has been on the caffeine she hasn't had any more apnea events, praise God! She always recovered quickly, but it is so scary when your baby stops breathing!

On Sunday we had a "newborn" photo session. She is actually 3 1/2 months old, but since it wasn't possible to do professional photos yet we are just now doing them. Nancy Hellsten came out to our house. It wasn't easy, Harper likes to be held most of the time, so we would get her good and asleep and then set her in a pose and she would wake up, fuss, and usually pee or poop! Luckily, Nancy is very patient! But we did get some good shots. I haven't seen them all yet, but Nancy got two of them up already on her blog . I will let you know when she has more up, but for now you can see them at http://www.nancyhellsten.com/blog/2011/08/08/Little-Miss-Harper-Grace.aspx I am so excited about these photos. We just love Nancy, too. She did our wedding pictures and then volunteered to capture the boys birth and our special time with them. We have her work plastered all over our walls! I am going to have to start taking older photos down in order to make room for new stuff. I have a hard time taking photos down, I always fall in love with pictures, especially those of Billie and now of Harper!

Matt went back to work yesterday. It was hard for him to be away all day,but it went good. He met us on his lunch break to go to the pediatrician. Today Harper goes to the eye doctor. I am confident that her eyes are still going to be stable, but we aren't out of the woods yet, so please pray for her eyes. Only one more week and we should be in the clear! So blessed we may not have to do eye surgery! God is do good, all of the time! I realize I had some lessons to learn through not only all of this, but through pretty much the last 10 years of my life. They were hard lessons to learn, too. God kept trying to tell me to let go and let him be God, but I am such a controller and worrier I just couldn't do that for more than a few days. But seeing your baby so tiny and frail and vulnerable, being kept alive on machines, brings you to your knees. I have been to my knees before; When Michael was diagnosed with cancer, when the doctors said there was nothing else they could for him, when we were told we were pregnant with conjoined twins, when we were told they could not be separated, when Joshua and Caleb took their last labored breath in my arms. But this was different. Everyone always tells me I am so strong, but I think I am completely opposite. I am so weak. I go to God with my troubles and instead of turning them over to Him, I try to tell Him how to handle them. Not this time. I knew we had a long road ahead of us when I saw Harper for this first time, but God gave me this amazing peace that she was going to be OK. I have been told by so many "God doesn't put more on you than you can handle" and it used to make me mad. I would think,"Easy for you to say, you aren't walking in my shoes." What the saying should be is "God won't put anything on you that HE can't handle!" God told me that day when I first laid my eyes on Harper Grace, "Be still and know that I am God." And I was. I knew God had this, and there was nothing I could do. I am sure He has said that to me over and over again for the past 10 years, but I was not willing to listen before. I told Matt with such conviction that Harper would make it, he believed me, too. The doctor told him she had a 50/50 chance, but I was so sure she would be OK we both just put our trust in God and started the ride on the roller coaster of the NICU. And here we are today, the day after my due date with a beautiful baby girl keeping us up at night! I don't mind at all! We will see if I still feel that way in 6 months if she still isn't sleeping. I feel so blessed to have two amazing daughters. God has always been so faithful. When I am weakest, He is strongest. That got me through when I had the boys, and prepared me for our journey with Harper Grace. His Grace is sufficient for me. I held onto that and God continuously reminded me of that and then showed me how true it is. I have a miracle sitting in my arms this morning. Thanks be to God. He is good all of the time.

Good Friends...Good Times

2011-08-07T05:14:00.002-04:00

How sweet are these two girls?! Billie loves to hold her sister first thing in the morning. I look at the two of them together and just thank God for blessing my family so much. I am so glad Billie and Harper will always have each other. God is GOOD, All of the time!
Bright eyes...for those of you who knew me as a baby, can you see the resemblance? I think it is amazing to look into her eyes, and see my own looking back at me!
Leatha, Joe, and I on our way to our 20th High School Reunion. I still can't believe it has been 20 years! It definitely doesn't feel like it.
Matt stayed home with the girls and sent me this picture just a few minutes after we left. He was so sweet to stay and take good care of them, and to update me through out the night with pictures of them, too.

20 years...it doesn't seem possible but here we are, anyway! It was so fun to see so many sweet and wonderful people from high school. We only had about 70 people, but it was still wonderful. I think it is sad that more people didn't show up, but it was so good to see those that did. Joe and Leatha came in for it and they picked me up and drove me. I was so thankful to have them there, it would have been hard to go in by myself if they hadn't been there. Matt had to stay home with Billie and Harper. Since she is still so little and she bradys so much, we don't want to leave here with anyone else just yet. Until you are used to her brady or apnea episodes, it is very scary...well, it is scary even when you are used to them, but if you aren't used to them you are apt to panic and not handle them well. She does usually recover on her own, that is one of the good things about the monitor...since it is so loud, it stimulates her and helps her recover, but still we don't want to put anyone else in a bad situation. Don't misunderstand me, the monitor is not designed to stimulate her or help her in any way. It is just a tool for us to know if something is not right. I am so thankful for that monitor. It gives me the peace of mind to be able to close my eyes and go to sleep. I know if she stops breathing the monitor will wake me up. The monitor is cumbersome and awkward, but so reassuring. So back to the reunion, Matt was so sweet to send me pictures and updates during the evening. I was able to relax and just have a good time, I didn't even feel guilty for being gone! I am so thankful Matt is so good with her and is always so willing to be with her and care for her. And I am so thankful for Joe and Leatha. I still would have gone if they had been unable to make it, but it would have been much harder to walk in by myself! I was able to visit with them which is always fun. There was a table there with nostalgic items from high school and they had our "Senior Predictions" on them. They got half of mine right - "Marry Michael Williams, and replace Edie Ellis on the news." I remember being mad at Darwin Williams for writing that because I was hurt that it was all about Michael and not about me! But I guess he wasn't very far off so I owe him an apology after all these years, ha! It was a very good night spent with very good friends and I am so thankful for the experience.
Tomorrow we are having our photographer, Nancy Hellsten, out to our home to take newborn pictures of Harper. I know she isn't newborn, but she looks it! I am very excited to get beautiful and artistic photos of Harper and of Harper and Billie together. Nancy was there with us when the boys were born and she is responsible for the beautiful photos of Joshua and Caleb that we treasure. Nancy was also our wedding photographer and we absolutely love her work. We are so comfortable with her, and I am so thankful to count her as a dear friend. I know we will be getting amazing shots of our two beautiful girls.
Harper is doing very good. She was having a lot of apnea episodes, as many as 10 a day, but Dr. Greg put her on caffeine and she is doing so so much better. She actually hasn't had any more apnea episodes since she started on the caffeine. She still bradys some, but only when she eats. This week she gets her eyes checked again, and then weight checks at the pediatrician's office. Next week she will do both of those again, and also visit the apnea/synagis clinic. They take care of the heart monitor/apnea episode stuff and also the RSV immunizations. I think she will have her first RSV shot next week, although I am not sure. She will have one a month during RSV season which runs from August through April. We have to protect her from RSV, with her lungs being so premature and damaged from the vent, it would be a disaster if she got RSV. She would for sure end up on the vent again, but she might not even survive an RSV infection. This is one of the reasons we have to keep her so isolated. Any respiratory illness would be a night mare for her this year, and maybe even next year. We are just praying we are able to keep her healthy and give her a chance to grow and also build up her immunity. It is hard for us to not show her off to the world - we have been through so much and we just want to share her with all of our friends and family, but her health and safety comes first. Dr. Greg says if we can just get her over 7 lbs it will change our life, so our goal is to get her over 7 pounds as soon as possible. We will still have to keep her pretty isolated, but she will be able to keep her temperature up better, eat better, sleep better, and just be stronger in general. I can't wait until everyone I love can see her and hold her, but until then I will share her with you through pictures!

5 POUNDS!!!

2011-08-02T08:41:00.002-04:00

Doesn't she look tiny in her crib?! She actually slept here for over an hour while I folded and put away her laundry.
First bath at home...she loved it!
Billie loves to hold Harper. She usually holds her first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening before bed. Very sweet.
This was from the day we brought her home...Billie was just so in love at first sight!

Finally...5 pounds 1 ounce on Friday! We take her back to see Dr. Greg Wednesday, and I am hoping she will be even bigger. We need her to get above 7 pounds and then we can relax just a little bit. We took her to get her eyes checked yesterday and they are still stable. The doctor said that if we can keep them stable through the next two weeks he thinks we will be in the clear and not need surgery, but we are still not out of the woods just yet. I have no doubt that her eyes are going to be just fine, though. She still isn't sleeping good unless we are holding her, but she is sleeping on her own for larger stretches now. I don't mind holding her...I had to wait so long to hold her after she was born, so it is just fine with me that she wants to cuddle. We are taking shifts, Matt taking the first shift of the night while I sleep and then I get up around 2 and take the second shift. We each get around 5 hours, and sometimes take a nap during the day, too. It is working out just fine. I will update again when I have more time...Harper is hungry!

The Peace (that Passes Understanding) Lily

2011-07-25T17:58:00.002-04:00

This peace lily sits in the nursery and has sat in there since we had the boys. It was a gift at their funeral, we have several others around the house. None of them have bloomed for years, three years to be exact. This one bloomed today. When I noticed it I had chills cover my whole body, and then I felt peace. I felt Joshua and Caleb smiling down on our family. I know that is cheesy and corny and I don't care, it is what I felt. How ironic that it would bloom when we finally brought a baby home to their nursery. It is really miraculous that the plant is alive at all... I am terrible with house plants. Matt actually remembers to care for them better than I do. But peace lilies are not hard to keep around, they are very forgiving and they almost ask you to water them when you do forget. I guess that is why it has never bloomed for us. And it is probably not a coincidence that Cathie was here for three weeks to take care of the plants (and everything else) after I had Harper. I am sure that has something to do with the plant blooming this week. But none of that matters. What matters is the way it made me feel when I saw the bloom. What matters is how I instantly was reminded of my boys in heaven. And I wasn't sad at that moment. I felt peace. I felt love. I felt warm. I felt peace. Peace is a beautiful feeling. You have to let go of pain and suffering in order to feel peace. You have to stop being angry and hurt to feel peace. Peace is a gift from God that is always right there, but we have to let go in order to feel it. We used to sing in VBS "I've got the peace that passes understanding, down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart. Where... Down in my heart to stay!" And I have felt that peace before. I never understood that song when I was a child, and I always asked my mom and my grandpa what it meant. They tried to explain it and I just couldn't understand, no matter how many times they explained it. The thing with peace is that you have to be still and quiet and let God BE. Just let God BE. And for a control freak like me, that is so hard. But He has been trying to teach me how to do that for years now, and I have gotten it before - like the "light bulb" came on. But then I would lose it with fear, doubt, guilt, and worry. I have a hard time just letting God Be. With Harper I have had no choice. There was nothing I could do to help her from the very beginning. But God gave us Children's Hospital, and the staff, doctors, nurses there, plus all of my doctors and nurses that cared for me and performed the delivery and surgeries. And He gave me the lesson of letting go and letting God Be. And even better, I learned it. Now I am not saying I won't forget and pick it all back up, but for now I am letting God give me the gift of peace. And that peace lily made me realize it. I am so thankful to have Harper home and for us to all be together. I love seeing Billie with Harper. She is so sweet and so happy to be with her sister. It is so beautiful. I am so amazed with how she looks at Harper; the love you can see in her eyes for her sister. That is also a gift from God. God has blessed me beyond my prayers, and I am so thankful.
Harper is settling in and doing good. She went to her pediatrician today and she didn't gain or lose weight...she is still 4 lbs 14 oz. We will take her back Friday to get her weight checked again. She gets her eyes checked tomorrow. She is eating good and sleeping good and just getting used to us and home. We are all enjoying her so much. It is so nice to hear her sweet grunts - she grunts a lot! I love all the sweet noises she makes, even her cry. She is easily consoled, too. It feels so good to be able to fix what ever is the matter for her. She doesn't cry much, though, at all! She is such a good baby. It is hard for us to put her down to sleep, we want to cuddle with her so much, but we want her to grow and she needs to sleep sound to grow.
Update on Milly...she is home. Jenny said she did good her first night. She only woke up twice to eat and then went right back to sleep. They are waiting for results from a culture on fluid from her incision. Prayers are needed that it is not infection. Milly will have a lot of follow-up visits, but praise God she is home!
Addison is doing good. It was so sad to be leaving her and her sweet parents at the NICU while Harper and Milly both got to go home. But Addison is quite a bit younger and she will get her day! She has started to nurse a little which is exciting. They are working on getting her to gain weight. She still has the brain bleed and prayers are still needed for that to resolve. She also has stage 1 ROP. She will have an eye check tomorrow and I will pass on the news. Addie and her parents need a break. They have had to deal with way too much. It's time for some smooth sailing for that sweet family!
Thank you for your love and prayers! We love and appreciate you so much!

There's No Place Like HOME

2011-07-24T07:13:00.003-04:00

This was after we laid her down for a nap...Billie pulled a chair over to her bedside and Matt and Blue joined her. I am afraid she isn't going to get any attention!
Billie and Harper together at last! This is the FIRST time Billie ever touched Harper or even got to see her without glass separating them!It was a beautiful moment. Billie is so in love with her sister. Billie sat down and read her a book first thing, and Harper just watched Billie. My heart is so filled up it might burst!
This was at 3am. Harper didn't seem to like being in her cradle much. She kept grunting or even crying until we picked her up. We fed her a few times, but she didn't eat much and if I swaddled her, she went right to sleep and was happy as could be. Harper doesn't cry much, usually, but she grunts all of the time! So cute!
Her first car ride! She loved it. Was very happy the whole way home. She fell asleep not long into it. For those who have not heard...things did change fast yesterday! Not long after I blogged, I got a call from Kary (one of our primary nurses at the NICU.) She said they were giving us the choice to room in or not, and if we were OK not rooming in, then we could go home TODAY! So I called Matt who had actually gone to Johnson City to play golf for his 20th High School Reunion. He and I both felt confident with our abilities to take care of her without rooming in first, so we opted to bring her home yesterday! Billie was actually in Johnson City with her grandparents and cousin Chandler playing on the lake, so Matt swung by there and picked her up. She was so excited! We left the hospital around 6 pm. Billie held her first when we got her home. I have a video of it that I will post later. Harper got hungry not long after that, so I fed her and then put her down for a nap. Billie pulled a chair up to the pac 'n play and just watched her sister sleep. It was just precious. Then later we were eating dinner together, and she said "I feel like this is all a dream and I am going to wake up and none of it will be true." She also read her sister a book - which she said she had been waiting to do forever. She already had a book picked out that she wanted to read to her - "Angelina Ballerina." As Billie read, I fed Harper a bottle and Harper kept her eyes locked on Billie the whole time. It was so sweet. They are going to be so close. I am so thankful to God for this amazingly perfect day! My family is all here together under one roof and it was beautiful! And we get to do it all over again today! It was bitter sweet leaving our family at the NICU. We had two primaries there to send us off, Betty and Kary. I cried as soon as we started the walk out of the NICU - it dawned on me that I would never be in that room again after spending 3 straight months there! As much as I wanted to be home with Harper, I fell in love with so many people there. As we made our turn away from our little corner and towards the door leading out, we could see down the long side of the NICU and all of the nurses looked up and waved at us and said "Good Bye!" It just warmed my heart and broke it all at the same time. When we got to the car, Matt and I didn't have the car seat in right, of course! The same thing happened when I took Billie home, LOL! But Kary helped us get it right. Then we hugged and said our good byes and then we were off! I will never be able to thank all of the people that had a part in Harper's miraculous recovery. God was in control, and He put them in Harper's life to care for her and help her get to this point. I will miss them so much, and I am sure Harper will, too. We will go back for visits, but it will not be the same. I just can't put it into words the love I have for them and the gratitude I feel for them. Praise God, He is good! And we are healthy, happy and HOME!

Big News...

2011-07-23T09:09:00.003-04:00

This was taken yesterday just after breakfast...she has learned to love her meals! One of the nurse practitioners, Kathy, said the day before if we don't remove the NG tube, we will just keep using it and she was so right! We took it out and since then Harper has been eating all of her meals with no problem. And it is because of this that they think we may go home early next week! We don't have discharge orders yet, but we are so close I can taste it! Her eyes were still stable on Tuesday, and she will have them checked again this Tuesday. We have to room-in with her, which is where we stay there in a room at the hospital with her over night and take care of her all by ourselves. She needs to not lose weight that night in order to be discharged. She also has complete a car seat challenge, where she has to sit in the car seat for 90 minutes without dropping her heart rate. I can't believe we are this close finally!
Milly is getting ready to go home, too. They are rooming in tonight and the plan is to discharge tomorrow! I am so happy for them. I actually got to hold sweet Milly yesterday. She is only 2 pounds bigger than Harper, but she felt so much bigger! She is so sweet and cute. It is amazing how different Milly and Harper look from each other, but they are both just a precious and cute as the other!
Addison is doing good, too. She is struggling to gain weight right now so they are working on that. They had to do another ventricular tap, and that set her back for a few days. It helps her, of course, but it also makes her feel very bad. My prayer for her is that the bleed starts resolving on it's own and she starts to gain weight again.
It is going to be bitter sweet leaving the NICU. We long to be home so bad...have both Billie and Harper under the same roof and just be a family together again. But we have also fallen in love with the nurses and staff at Children's. They are the most caring and brilliant people you will ever encounter in your life. I hope no one ever has to be there, but once you are there you are changed for life. Thank God we have such a wonderful hospital for our children right here in Knoxville. We owe our miracle Harper to them, and will never be able to repay them. But they do the same for everyone because they care about children so much. We weren't special, although the made us feel that way. They treat every child with the same love and care that they showed to Harper Grace. Thank you so much to everyone at Children's, although I know thank you will never be enough. There really are no words to adequately express our gratitude to you all. We fell in love with all of you!
I will try to keep you updated, but know things change quickly and I have a lot to do to get ready at home for Harper! Thank you all for your love and prayers, I know they are also a big reason for Harper's amazing progress, too!

Happy 3rd Birthday Joshua and Caleb!

2011-07-15T07:32:00.002-04:00

Harper is getting in on the celebration today with her very own T-shirt to honor her big brother's memory! Joshua and Caleb are 3 years old today. I made Harper this onsie yesterday and it felt good to do something for my sweet miracle daughter and honor my miracle twin boys at the same time. Today we are planning on taking balloons to the cemetery. I got a very cute and very large Curious George balloon and a cupcake balloon. During my surgery with the boys our anesthesiologist, Roger, played the Jack Johnson soundtrack from the movie Curious George. When I hear Jack Johnson's voice, I immediately go back to that day and the minute Dr. Bruner held the boys up over the curtain to show me my miracle twin boys. Then they were whisked away to the next room with the team from Children's including Dr. Howick, Yevonne, Dawn, Tracey and several other sweet angels that spent an hour loving and caring for our boys. We have heard the stories from some of those that were there that day. I love hearing from them and knowing the little details of my boy's short life, especially the part of it that I was not there for. Joshua and Caleb made such an impact on everyone that came into contact with them, and even those that only heard about them. It was truly marvelous and miraculous to hear about how they touched people. I am so proud of my boys and what they did for me and for others. I still wish I could hold them and kiss them, play with them and tuck them into bed at night, but I know they are perfect in Heaven and that is exactly where they are supposed to be. To be in the presence of Jesus is ultimately what I want for all of my children, and my boys just got to be there now. Today I will feel a little sorry for myself and miss them a little more, but I will also remind myself of how happy they are in the arms of the Lord and how blessed I am to have two miraculous daughters to hold here and two miracle twin boys watching over us. It is hard to believe it has been three long years since I held them, but it is also hard to believe it has only been three years since I held them. If I close my eyes, usually I can picture them in my arms, but it gets harder to remember how they felt in my arms as time goes by. I still long to kiss their sweet heads and hold them close. I would have given anything for them to just survive, but I know how hard their lives would have been. No one wants that for their children. As I have said before, I wonder if they are separated in Heaven or still conjoined. Sometimes I wonder if they are both - together when they want to be, and separate when they want to be. One day I will know and I will hold them and kiss them and never let them go again. Until then, I will take solace that they are in the arms of Jesus and He loves them much more than I ever could. Happy Birthday Joshua and Caleb, we miss you and love you...

ROP is STABLE

2011-07-13T09:17:00.003-04:00

Haper looking at her mobile
Harper looking at her Mommy!

I apologize for this post being so late. I actually wrote a update yesterday via my phone 3 times, but something was wrong with the app and it kept getting lost. Very frustrating. But good news, her ROP is stable! We are so excited. I don't even think she will need surgery now, but we will still wait and check her eyes again next week. There is a slight chance she will still need it, but it gets less and less with each week that her eyes don't get worse. We are so happy. Now the only thing standing between us and bringing her home is her ability to eat all of her meals herself without the need for NG tube feeding assistance. We are working on it. She is learning every day and improving every day. She is just so young and so little, she still shouldn't be born for another 4 weeks! She weighs 4 lbs 10.5 oz, and is 36 weeks (or 11 weeks old). Actually, this is the week they would have done a amniocentesis to see if her lungs were developed and if they were they would have delivered this week via c-section. The doctors were concerned if I went into labor that I might have a uterine rupture...guess they were right in being concerned they just didn't know it would happen at 24 weeks. God had His own plans!
Milly is doing very good. She is off the vent and is feeding now. Jenny (her mom) and I think they may get discharged around the same time. Addison is doing good, too. She had a ventricular tap this morning and Rachel said it went good. We will see if it makes her feel better today. My prayer is that her parents will see big improvements and her bleed will resolve now, without the need for another tap or a shunt.
I read something on a friends Facebook status that I haven't been able to get off my mind, especially this week. She recently lost one of her 6 month old triplet boys, Owen. In my memory, it repeats like this, though: "God, I was planning on holding my boys in my lap and teaching them about you. Will you hold them on your lap and teach them about us?" Friday is Joshua and Caleb's third birthday. I can't believe it has been three years since I kissed their sweet heads and cradled them in my arms. I wonder what they look like, what toys they like to play with, what they like to eat. Of course I still wonder if they are conjoined or separated in heaven. What we have been through in just three years! I can't let myself think about that, now, though. My daughters need me to be strong. I have two miraculous daughters and I am blessed beyond measure. I still miss my sweet miracle twin boys, though. Nothing can replace them, and nothing will make me stop missing them. Even though now I am busy with a 10year old and a preemie! So on Friday I will allow myself to miss them wholeheartedly, to wallow in my heart ache a little. And then on Saturday I will go back to concentrating on my wonderful and miraculous daughters. TWO DAUGHTERS - blessings beyond my wildest dreams.

Echo and ROP update

2011-07-11T10:21:00.001-04:00

Harper had an echo on her heart last week. Her PDA is totally closed! They found a murmur and it is called ASD and is a small hole that is not causing her trouble now but if it does can be corrected with surgery. She also has a PFO, which is very common and shouldn't cause her any problems. I will update in more detail on these two heart defects later but for now she will just see a cardiologist every 6 months. Her eye exam is tomorrow so we are prayerful and hopeful we will see some regression. She is improving on her bottle and breastfeeding, too. It is a lot of work for one so little, but she is learning and doing better every day! I will update again tomorrow after her eye exam. Thanks and love to all!

Bottle feeding and talk of HOME

2011-07-07T21:59:00.003-04:00

Today was a big day for all of us! Harper had her first bottle today. She did pretty good; they give them a score of 1 to 3 and she only got a 1, but she tried really hard! Matt gave her the first bottle. I am still nursing her three times a day, so I also fed her three times today and after she nursed, I tried the bottle, too. So needless to say, she was worn out and lost a little weight today. It will take time, but she will get it. We were told yesterday that once she does good at eating and if her eyes are OK on Tuesday, we can bring her home! Isn't that amazing? I couldn't even believe it, still can't! It could be as early as this time next week! We are a little scared, but mostly just over joyed! Harper did have several brady episodes today while eating, so she will have to really improve her feeding before she is discharged. I spent about 9 hours there today, I just couldn't bring myself to leave. But I am paying for it now because I am exhausted.
Baby Addison came off her vent today, and went straight to a cannula! We are so excited for her! Baby "m", who is actually baby Milly (her parents, Jenny and Teddy gave me permission to put her name here) is doing good. She is still on a vent and they will be doing a procedure tomorrow to be able to give her nutrition support and then hopefully she will be off the vent sometime tomorrow.
I will keep you updated as soon as I can! Thank you for your continued prayers!

ROP update

2011-07-05T17:38:00.001-04:00

Great news on Harper's ROP... No change from last week. So while it didn't regress as we were hoping, it didn't progress further, either! The doctor said we will just check them again next Tuesday. More waiting, but that's ok! Waiting is much better than sending her into surgery.
Baby "M" did great for her surgery. She was resting when I left. And they moved her right next to Harper so our friends are our neighbors now! Very nice. Now we just have to get Addison moved to our corner and we will be all set! I promise to try to remember to ask Baby "M's" parents if it is ok to put names on the blog, I just forget until I am leaving the hospital or blogging!
Nursing isn't going so good. I have plenty of milk, Harper just doesn't get much when we nurse. So we are going to try a bottle on Thursday. I hate to, but if she doesn't eat she can't come home and that is mostly what is keeping her there now. I'm not giving up, though. I will still try to breastfeed her at each sitting and then supplement with the bottle. And she will still get breast milk even in the bottle. If I have to pump forever I will, but that is not what I want. I think once she gets bigger and stronger it will get easier for her to nurse. Besides, I have a whole deep freezer full of milk, we might as well use it! Thank you again for your prayers, but don't stop now! We still need prayers for Harper's precious eyes and prayers for nursing. It does make me sad that nursing isn't going well and it is a source of stress for me.

ROP... Week 3

2011-07-05T09:17:00.001-04:00

Today is a big day for Harper and for us...she has her eyes checked again to see if the ROP has progressed, regressed, or stayed the same. Our prayer is that God continues to hold Harper in His care. That what unfolds today is part of His plan. We also pray that He hold the doctor in His care and that what the doctor decides about Harper and her eyes is what is best for Harper and God's will for Harper. The doctor should come around lunch time and I will let you know as soon as I can. Please also keep Baby "M" in your prayers today as she has surgery, as well as her sweet parents as they wait for her. Thank you for always being willing to love us and pray for us.

Happy 4th of July!

2011-07-03T22:33:00.003-04:00

Harper is ready for the Fourth of July! Her crib is all decked out with red, white and blue blankets and she has on a cute outfit and a pretty blue bow in her hair! All thanks to Kary, Jennifer, and Ashleigh (and Daddy who dressed her tonight). She is doing so good. She weighs 4 lbs 1.4 oz! Woohoo....4 pounds! I can hardly believe it, but I am so thankful to God for it! Her feedings have been increased to 40 mL, and she is improving with her nursing, which we do 3 times day. She is getting some milk every time, although sometimes it is only 2 mL. She does brady sometimes still, but not every time so that is getting better, too. She is doing good keeping her temp up on her own, so as soon as they have a regular crib for her she will graduate out of the isolette. They expect to have one tomorrow after a baby is discharged. Tuesday is still a big day for her with her eye exam happening. We are praying for regression, but will try to be prepared for what ever happens. Also on Tuesday Baby "M" will be having her surgery, so please be in prayer for her that everything goes smoothly. Baby Addison is doing great tonight, too! Her vent levels were much lower today and it is so uplifting to see her keep having good days! Her sweet parents made Harper some bows for her hair and bought her a really cute shirt, too. I will put a pic up of Harper in it when she wears it. All three girls will have matching bows! We plan on taking a picture of the girls together every year around their birthdays (we will have to pick one day in the middle since they are all a few weeks apart) so we will need to have matching outfits for them every year! Can't wait for the first picture of the three of them together...wonder if we will get one in the NICU before the first one gets discharged. Maybe we need to take one now of the mommies together to post here...then we can look back years from now and be thankful we aren't so stressed out anymore, lol! Thank you, Rachel and Phillip for the bows and shirt! I hope everyone enjoys the 4th tomorrow, be safe and have fun!

Harper is 10 weeks old today!

2011-07-02T07:20:00.003-04:00

Harper is growing and getting so big! She is 3 lbs 14.5 oz...almost 4 lbs!! I am sure she will be 4 lbs sometime over the holiday weekend! They are weening her out of the isolette and into a crib, so she will now have to regulate her own temperature so she could lose a little weight keeping up with that, we will just have to see what happens. This picture is so cute, isn't it? Matt had stayed late that night so he could give her a bath. Since she really needs her sleep to grow, we can only get her out and hold her or give her a bath if it is feeding time, and since I had nursed her at 8:30 that night, we couldn't give her a bath until her next feeding time at 11:30. So I brought Billie home and Matt stayed and gave her a bath...which she LOVED! He said she gave out a little cry when he first plopped her into the bath but then she realized she liked it and settle in and enjoyed it. She needed it...we hadn't given her a bath in a while, but her nurses had cleaned her up, of course. She is up to nursing 3 times a day now, which is hard with Billie but we are making it work. We are so blessed to have a very helpful and big family to make it go pretty smooth. The doctor actually mentioned the word "home" the other day...he took Harper off of her myceline and said it was "to get her ready to go home in a few weeks!" Music to my ears. We still have to get through her eye surgery, though, but I have been day dreaming of having my entire family under one roof! How awesome that will be! I can't believe we are actually going to use our baby nursery for a baby and not just for storage of baby things we don't really need. I have a lot to do to get the house ready for Harper, and we have lots of things we need to purchase for her like a monitor, and bottles. She came so early, I never had a chance to prepare for her! Since she went off the myceline, she has had a few more bradycardia episodes...but she brings herself up quickly. We will just see how it goes. The myeceline and caffeine are to help with apnea, and the only way to see if she is ready to come off of them is to try it. There is a chance she will come home on the meds, but they want to give her every chance possible to come off of them before she comes home. I must run...I nurse Harper at 8:30! Pray it goes good...it has been going better but she is still having brady episodes during feedings, and it still freaks me out, although not as much. I don't want to get used to them, though, I just want them to stop.
Update on baby "M"...she is doing good...they are going to run a test this week to prepare her for the reversal of her colostomy and illeostomy which is great news! I will let you know when they schedule the surgery...she and her parents need your prayers. Baby Addison is still doing great after her heart surgery...and mom got to hold her last night! It was beautiful and I am so happy for them. She will really start growing and doing good now that her heart is fixed and her mommy gets to love on her more closely! I don't have time to proof read, so please forgive any errors!!

Update on "Baby A"

2011-06-30T07:40:00.003-04:00

Billie is in horse camp this week and enjoying every minute of it. She actually fell of a horse yesterday, but didn't get hurt. I told her before she went "No falling of your horse!" LOL! But since she fell and handled it so good, she gets to choose her horse today and can ride which ever one she wants! She was very excited about it, so much so I asked her if she fell on purpose so she could pick her horse! So today she will be riding CJ. She says she loves CJ because he is so cute and so sweet and he acts like a dog. I love his name since to me it stands for Caleb and Joshua, I thought very ironic. So today Matt took her to horse camp so he can see her with her horse. It should be fun for both of them.

Since you were praying for her and her family, I think you deserve an update. I did get permission from "Baby A's" parents to talk about her here, so her name is Addison and her sweet parents are Rachel and Phillip. Addison was born at 25.2 weeks and just about 100 grams bigger than Harper and she is now about 4 weeks old. Her PDA (or "hole" in her heart) did not close with the medication they gave her the way Harper's did, so she had to have surgery to close it yesterday. She came through with flying colors and no complications. So now Addison should start really improving and they hopefully will be able to ween her off the vent soon. She is a precious little miracle just like Harper and we are so thankful for her strong, fighter spirit and for her special family and it's place in our lives.
Harper is doing great. She is now nursing twice a day and yesterday morning she did great and didn't brady at all, the scale said she only got 2 mL, but that seems impossible because she was doing such a great job. Last night she did equally good and got 6 mL, but she did have a brady episode. She brought herself out of it quickly, though. Speaking of Harper, I need to leave and head to the hospital to nurse her now so I will update again soon. Thank you for your prayers, please continue to pray for Harper and specifically for her sweet eyes!

ROP update

2011-06-28T21:34:00.001-04:00

Harper's ROP has progressed to stage 2, unfortunately. The doctor was not surprised and almost seemed to expect that it would. He said still not ready for surgery. We will look at them again next Tuesday and go from there. The good news is there is no Plus disease, at least not yet and hopefully there won't be. There is still a chance this can regress and get better on it's own without surgery. That is my prayer right now. Please pray for strength and guidance for Matt and I, and for her doctors to be led by God in their care of her. I know He has a plan, and He's got this covered!
We have met some sweet parents of other preemies here, two couples in particular I have grown very attached to. I won't mention there names yet because I haven't asked them if I can yet, but please be in prayer for their babies, too. Both are girls and we will call them A and M for now. Baby A is having surgery tomorrow to close her PDA in her heart and I know they could use your prayers. I know you are all faithful and your prayers really do make me feel better and I want that same comfort for baby A's parents, too. Baby M will have surgery eventually once she heals more from a previous surgery so please be in prayer for her, too! I have given you a lot to pray about, huh? Sorry no pic this time, I just wanted to give you a quick update. Thanks for loving and supporting and praying for us!!

Harper is 9 weeks old!

2011-06-26T21:41:00.002-04:00

Isn't she adorable?! I just can't believe how far she has come in just 9 weeks. The real amazing thing is she should still not be born yet...I should not be having her for another 6 weeks! But by the grace of God she is here and is thriving! Nursing has been a challenge, but she is figuring it out. She did really good the first few days, but then she started forgetting to breathe, choking and having bradycardia episodes which totally freak me out! Bradycardia is where they drop their heart rate very quickly - she stops breathing and turns blue! It's awful! I am able to see it and realize what it is before the monitors go off so by the time I see on the monitor that her heart rate is dropped to like a 37 from 160+, she is starting to breathe again and come out of it. There has only been one time that I needed help to get her out of it. But I always call out for her nurse, just because I need the reassurance of one of them being there just in case I am unsuccessful. It is just something she has to learn to do, and actually babies aren't really ready for the whole suck, swallow, breathe thing until they are 34 weeks, which she will be on Tuesday, so she is doing a very good job. She does get some milk...we weigh her before and after I nurse her to see how much she gets at a time...the most she has gotten is 27mL (almost an ounce!) but she usually gets around 5 mL. After I nurse her we subtract what she got from her usual feeding amount, she is up to 32 mL now every 3 hours, and she gets the rest by NG tube feeding (a tube that goes from her nose into her stomach). She weighs 3 lbs 8.5 ounces and is 14.5 inches long. Exactly what the boys were each when they were born, at 34 weeks. AMAZING! She really looks like a mix between the boys and Billie, if you ask me. Although I did see a picture of Chandler as an infant the other day and I could see Harper in her, too. Maybe she will be a mix of Billie and Chandler, wouldn't that be cool? I will tell you one of the reasons I have a very hard time with her brady episodes is that when she is blue and lifeless I am immediately taken back to the night I had the boys and held their lifeless bodies in my arms - welcoming them into the world while I also told them good bye. The first time it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just wasn't expecting it because she had been doing so good at nursing. I also wasn't expecting her to turn blue so quickly. It is terrifying and I am sure any parent would feel the same, but add the experience of losing a child/children and it is that much more terrifying. I am working through it, though, and Matt has been amazingly supportive and helpful through it. The first time it happened I was by myself because he had to be at work, but whenever possible he is there with me. I am now nursing her twice a day so it is a little harder for us both to be there together.
So because everything has been going so good, we knew something would probably be going wrong. The same day she did her first brady episode while nursing, she had her eyes checked again. Unfortunately, the doctor found stage 1 ROP (Retinopathy of Prematurity). This is where the blood vessels are premature, and there is a ridge that forms in the eye that can disrupt the vessels from maturing correctly. If left untreated, it can cause the retina to detach and cause blindness. They will not let this happen, of course. They can do a laser procedure to correct the damage and her eyes should mature correctly. She will have vision problems that will be corrected with glasses. Most preemies need vision correction of some sort, 51% of micro preemies get ROP. There are 5 stages, so stage 1 is not bad. But because her ridge formed so quickly in just 7 days and was so big, the doctors feel she will need surgery. She will have it before she comes home. They will recheck her eyes Tuesday and we will know more. The eyes get their worst between weeks 32 and 34, so they may have gotten worse since they checked them Tuesday, and I am prepared for that news ( I think). Last Tuesday was a very hard day, to say the least. There is a chance for regression, or that they will get better on their own. That is my prayer. The thing with surgery is that they will have to put her on a ventilator, and that just feels like a huge step back and scares me to death. I do not want her back on a ventilator. She has done so so good! But they say the longest she would be on it is 48 hours, and hopefully they would extubate her before she came back from surgery. Of course I do not want to risk her eye site, and I know the doctors know best and will do only what is medically necessary for her. I just have to put it in God's hands- he has been with Harper this whole time and will continue to be. As things go, this is not the worst thing that can happen to a preemie and we have basically not had to deal with any of the really bad stuff, praise God. So if something had to go wrong, this is the best of the bad, if that makes any sense at all. I will try not to keep you in suspense on Tuesday. The doctors just call an hour before they come and tell them to dilate the baby's eyes, so we don't know what time on Tuesday it will be but the past three weeks it has been at lunch time. God is still preforming miracles, Harper is proof of that, and I know He can take care of this, too. I have just been praying for Harper's eyes, knowing that God will fix him however he sees fit - whether that be surgery or regression. And I know He will be with Harper the whole time. God is good, all of the time!

Look, Mom! No cannula!!

2011-06-16T13:02:00.002-04:00

God is so good, all of the time. There has not been a day go by since I was pregnant with Harper that I haven't been able to see God's abundant blessings and Miracles. Harper is doing great! Today she weighs 2 lbs 12.97 oz. And she has been without oxygen support for over 24 hours now! She is up to 25 mL every 3 hours on her feedings and is tolerating them well. Tonight is going to be huge for both of us...I am going to try to nurse her for the first time ever! I'm so nervous about it, but excited, too. It may go well, but it may not. This will be her first attempt at eating ever! Up until now she has been getting all of her nutrition through an NG tube. So we will see how she does at sucking, swallowing, and breathing all at once! That's a lot for a little girl at only 32 weeks gestation! Prayers that it goes smoothly will be greatly appreciated. She will need practice and time to learn. But I know she can do it!

Sisters

2011-05-22T17:39:00.002-04:00

What an amazing day we have had. Harper is now on a cannula, has been since last night at 6:30! She is doing so great - God is so GREAT! I can't see her or think about her without getting choked up and just praising God for this amazing miracle, Harper Grace. Today was the first day that Billie and Harper got to see each other, face-to-face! It was such a beautiful experience. Matt went into the NICU and with the help of our wonderful nurses, he carried Harper over to the window - first time she has been away from her isolette! She looked even tinier as he brought her over to the window. Billie got big tears in her eyes as she greeted her tiny little sister for the first time. It was so precious. And as Billie said "HI, Harper!" Harper looked straight at her with her eyes opened so wide, so alert. She just stared at Billie in amazement. I think she was thinking to herself "There you are, Billie! Where have you been all of my life? I have been waiting to see you, big sister! I missed hearing your voice." Matt held her there for about 15 minutes, the NICU nurses all taking pictures and video for us (and all with big tears in their eyes, too.) It is amazing when you meet such loving, caring people. They are there to do their job, but it is so much more than that. I can honestly say I love these girls, because they love my baby. I thank God for them every day, several times a day. I will never be able to repay them for what they have done for my daughter and our family. They are all a gift from God. Back to the first meeting: Harper would look straight at Billie when she heard Billie's voice, and she just had the sweetest, most alert look on her face. Way older than her 28 week and 5 days face should be able to show. If you think about it, she should still not even be born for another 11 + weeks! But by the grace of God, here she is and thriving, too. She looked at me, too, when she heard my voice. But she was just enamored by Billie. I guess that is the first child she has ever seen. She can't see the other babies in the NICU, at least not yet because she and they are always closed up in the isolette. After Billie's visit, I went in to visit with Harper and I could tell she was worn out from the events of the day. She would start to close her eyes, and then jerk them back open and look straight at me. I felt she was wondering if I was still there. So I got my face down where she could see me good, and I put one hand on her bottom and one on her head and just spoke softly to her. She eventually closed her eyes and fell asleep. So peaceful, so precious. I can't believe in just 4 weeks she is able to go to the window for her sister! I thought it would be another month at least before Billie would get a glimpse of her little sister. I feel so blessed today, and my heart is just overflowing with happiness and love. I feel like we finally have the miracle we have been praying for all these years. God is still in the miracle business, and I am so blessed he chose our family for one! God never gives up, even when we do. Billie has been praying to God for a baby since she was 3 years old, and today she finally feels like she has a baby sister. As we were walking to the car, she said "I can't wait to go back to see Harper!" and she had a "hop" to her step - so happy she couldn't be still. She has been cleaning up her room this afternoon, and she keeps bringing toys and dolls and stuffed animals out that she wants to give to Harper. She also has started a video journal for Harper. She is telling her all about her birth and her stay at the NICU, and also giving her big sister tips about how to survive as a girl. I have two amazing daughters! I am so thankful I get to watch them grow up together, loving each other and supporting each other. When we are gone, they will have each other. Their special bond has already formed. Yet another miracle God has blessed our family with.

Graduation!!!!! Woohooo!!

2011-05-14T11:03:00.002-04:00

Harper is such a genius, she has already graduated from college!! Lol, the NICU nurses did this for me as a surprise for graduation. And I was blown away! Matt even approved of the orange and white-which is a miracle in itself! So I did graduate Wednesday with the rest of my class, the best group of young people you will ever come across. I am so blessed to have made wonderful friends at UT. They have all been so good to me during these last few weeks, but they were wonderful to me before this happened, too. So now I can add Bachelor of Science in Nutrition to my resume - it really hasn't sunk in yet, but I think it will once everything settles down. It has been a whirlwind the past three weeks! Harper is three weeks old today! Woohoo! She is doing good. She does have some BPD from the vent, but that was to be expected. We are just praising God it isn't pneumonia, that was what the doctors were fearing when they cultured the fluid on her lungs Thursday. Since it wasn't pneumonia they have gone ahead with another round of steroids and after 6 doses over 3 days, they hope to attempt another try at weening her from the vent. It is scary and exciting all at the same time. Everything has come with mixed emotions, every decision seems to have a double-edged sword attached to it. But the staff at Children's are just amazing and they know exactly what they are doing. The rest we put in God's hands, and I know He has it all under control. The past three weeks has taught me again that I am not in control, and to just let God handle it. I am actually doing a good job of that, for me. I am not worried like you would think I would be-being the usually worrier that I am. God is good, and I believe in my heart Harper is going to be OK, we just have a long road to get there. But I think of the testimony she will have and I know she will do great things for the Glory of God, as will her big sister, Billie. I am very blessed to have two strong, beautiful girls! I know God has great things planned for their lives. Please be praying the steroid does it's job, and Harper does hers, too! I could use some prayers for my recovery, too, it is not going as quickly as I want or need. The doctor says that was to be expected after so much went wrong and so much invasive surgery, but it is wearing on me. I will update as soon as anything changes. Thanks for your support and prayers. When I am at my weakest and can not pray, I feel the prayers going up for us and they comfort me.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-09T18:24:00.003-04:00

I got to actually hold Harper Grace on Saturday!! It was so amazing, and so needed. She did great for her first time out of the incubator, too. She struggled a little bit in the beginning, and we all knew when she was done, but it was so sweet to hold my baby close to my heart. She is doing very good. She was given another blood transfusion today which will also help her oxygen levels and her energy levels. Her SIMV rate on the vent is turned down to a 20, and her O2 concentration is usually between 21 and 23. She is now getting Vitamin A to help prevent BPD. She has had two doses so far and will receive 12 total. They actually only had two doses in the whole state of Tennessee, and had to search elsewhere for the rest of them. Luckily, they were able to locate them and they were scheduled to be delivered today or tomorrow. She is really doing good for her age, and we are just praising God that she is doing so well. We are praying that she continues to remain strong and fight!
I took my last exam today, praise God. I am so thankful to be done, but I am also so thankful that I was able to finish. Graduation is Wednesday, and I can't wait. I asked one of our NICU nurses to put an orange and white bow in Harper's hair for Wednesday. I also decorated my mortarboard- I will wait to put a picture up so everyone is surprised at the ceremony. It turned out really good and I am so proud of it! Thanks to Cathie for shopping for all of the stuff I needed to decorate it with.
Billie is doing good, although she really wants to see her sister and she can't wait for her to come home. It is hard for her because they don't allow children into the NICU. Hopefully before too long Harper will be big and strong enough to hold her up in the window and Billie will at least be able to get a good look at her. At least she can see pictures and videos now.
All I have energy for today, but I will continue to update as I can. I am doing better I am just not myself totally yet, but I am getting better every day. It is just going to take time for me, and for little Harper Grace. But God is Good ALL OF THE TIME, and she is our little miracle we have waited so long for. I thank God every chance I get for our miracle Harper Grace. We are very blessed and I feel it all the way down to my bones. Please continue to pray for Harper and for all of the nurses and doctors in charge with her care in the NICU-they are miracles, too!

Steady...

2011-05-04T09:11:00.003-04:00

Harper is doing good, after a bad night Monday. She has been steady for the last two days. Her vent is still up kind of high at 30, but it was at 37 yesterday morning, so she is coming down a little. She finally had a little stool pass yesterday afternoon, so they have upped her feedings to 6 a day! Please pray that her bowels continue to work- it's vitally important. They gave her another blood transfusion yesterday and hopefully that will help her with her oxygen concentration and her energy so she is able to breath better. They will do another brain scan tomorrow, so please also be praying that there is no bleeding in her brain.
I am still not feeling great, but I am improving every day. My goal is to update the blog daily, but until I feel better and final exams are over, it just isn't possible yet. I will try my best, though. Thank you for you love and support, and especially your prayers. Harper has a long, hard road ahead of her but I know she can do it because with God, all things are possible. She is the miracle I have been waiting for!! God is good, all of the time. PLEASE KEEP PRAYING!!

Harper Grace Rosecrance

2011-04-27T11:32:00.004-04:00

Matt began a blog to get you all updated before I was feeling well enough to do it myself. He just hadn’t yet gotten it uploaded to the blog. I thought it would be nice to get the most up-to-date info from both of us so the following blog is a combined effort:

I was putting together our new highchair, when Crystal wakes in terrible pain at 10:45 Friday night, April 22. She had tried to walk it off, but it only got worse. She had a hard time explaining the pain, but knew it was not right to be feeling that kind of pain. We were both very scared. Nancy came over to the house to sit with Billie, who was sound asleep, and we rushed to the hospital in our pj’s. Our 100% healthy 24 wk baby had a good heartbeat and the doctor wasn't sure what was going on. Thoughts were a torn muscle in her abdomen, and if so, would be better in the morning. So they admitted her and tried to treat the pain. Saturday morning resulted in no decrease of pain, so they did a CT scan where they found abdominal bleeding. They thought it may be an appendix rupture or twisted ovaries, but the pint of blood in her stomach made it unable to tell. So very quickly an exploratory surgery was planned. Once they got in there they found her uterus had ruptured and she had placenta accreta, which is when the placenta grows through the uterus wall and into other organs. In Crystal's case, it also grew into her bladder. So they were forced to make a very large incision from the top of her belly to the bottom, deliver the baby, do a hysterectomy, and repair and remove part of the bladder. Harper Grace was born Saturday at 4:25 PM, at only 24-weeks gestation. She weighed 1lb 6 oz and is 11 inches long. She is in NICU at Children's and is on a ventilator but is doing very well, considering all things. Both girls have some serious around the clock recovering ahead. We hope Crystal can meet Harper for her first time by mid/end this week, soon as the NG tube that Crystal has to empty her stomach contents can be removed. I bring back video & photos of beautiful Harper from my 3 to 4 NICU visits per day. We got very lucky with Crystal, and I pray nonstop for my Harper Grace miracle.

Thank you for your love and prayers,

Matt

Since he wrote this, late Monday night, I think, a lot has happened. Yesterday they were able to remove the NG tube from my stomach and I was finally able to take the trip over to Children’s and meet my daughter, OFFICIALLY! It was a God-touched moment, that is the only way I know how to describe it. She is so amazing. So tiny, so beautiful. I was able to hold her hand, and touch her leg. The nurse said all of Harper’s stats were the best they had ever been when I was there! She said she knows her momma! She could smell me and recognize me somehow. It is just so amazing. I also took some “mommy milk” and put it on a Q-tip and fed it to her. Her little mouth is so tiny, a Q-tip barely fits in it! She loved the milk and it was so amazing to bond with her like this. I feel so absolutely blessed to be Harper’s mommy! It helped me so much to just see her and know how well she is being taken care of. I get to go see her in a couple of hours, so I will blog again after that visit. Thank you for your continued support and prayers,

Crystal

Harper Grace Rosecrance

2011-04-27T11:32:00.000-04:00

Thank you for your love and prayers,

Matt

Crystal

Ultrasound News, Tallent Shows, and Graduation...OH MY!

2011-04-18T21:05:00.003-04:00

Sorry I waited almost a week before updating about our latest doctor appointment. We went last Tuesday for an ultrasound. I was a little angry and very sad for a couple days after, but then I got over it and moved on. The doctor visit went pretty good. Unfortunately, the placenta previa did not move, at all. I was so devastated. I just knew it was going to move over that four weeks while we waited with bated breath. I was absolutely convinced it would be completely corrected at our last ultrasound and when it wasn't, I was shocked. I struggle with my prayer life, but I know I struggle and I work on it. I had put the placenta previa in God's hands and I had let him have it, all of it. I guess that is why I was so angry when it hadn't moved even a few millimeters. I know I shouldn't be that way, but I am only human. So I had a pity party for a few days, and then I got over it. Bottom line, nothing is different. As long as there is no bleeding, everything is fine. There just is no exit route, which doesn't matter if you are planning a c-section, anyway. The doctor said there is still a chance that it could move over the next few weeks, and he said our odds are still good that it will. Like I said, it doesn't matter either way as long as there is no bleeding, and there won't be any bleeding as long as I don't have any labor to open my cervix. So it really is fine. I carried Billie to full term with no problems, and I carried the boys to 34 1/2 weeks, so the odds are really in my favor that I will carry this baby to term. I still pray that the previa corrects, but if it doesn't I am not going to throw such a fit again. I did insist they change me from the Lovenox to Heparin. While on Lovenox, you can't have an epidural so if I did need to deliver early or quickly, they would have to put me to sleep to do the surgery. However, on the Heparin that is not the case. You have to wait 4 hours since your last Heparin injection for the epidural because it has a shorter half life. The down side is that the Heparin is twice a day instead of once a day, and they will have to check my platelets closer, plus there is a higher risk of osteoporosis. But I am taking supplements to hopefully combat that and I have blood work every two weeks to check the other stuff. The upside, besides being able to have an epidural instead of being put to sleep, is that the Heparin doesn't hurt nearly as bad as the Lovenox! That was a very nice added bonus. It does bruise just as bad, if not worse, but that isn't the end of the world. Overall, everything is really fine.
We did not find out the gender, although I really wanted to. Matt stuck to his guns about it. I thought it was a girl in the beginning, but now I feel like it is a boy. I don't know why, it is just a gut feeling. I guess I can say I was right either way now! I will let you know if I change my mind again. Any one have any guesses for me? I do have a recording of the ultrasound that Bill is putting on a DVD for me, so once I have it and Matt compresses it for me, I will post it here for your viewing enjoyment. It wasn't as great of a shot this time, maybe because I was so angry immediately, or maybe because of the way the baby was positioned. We didn't ever get a good look at it's face because it was sideways in my belly and facing the back, too. She tried to get a 3D picture but just wasn't able to make it work. Maybe next time- we have another ultrasound in just 3 weeks.
I had a wonderful shower Saturday. My wonderful cousin Kellee threw it for us. We had a big turn out and it was so nice to see so many people I haven't seen in a very long time. We received so many beautiful gifts. It was such a wonderful day and wonderful party. We are very blessed to have so many supportive friends and family. Once Matt puts some of the things together, I will post a few pictures of the fun baby "toys" we got!
Billie sang at the 4H talent show today at school. It was just for the fourth grade, and she did amazing! She sang "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus and her "Crandpa Williams" played the piano for her. She got a blue ribbon, which was the highest ribbon available. She was very proud of herself and very excited. She loves to perform. She doesn't get nervous even a little bit, it is truly a blessing and amazing. Matt recorded it for us so once I get a chance, I will post the video. We just used the iPod to record it, so the audio quality isn't very good, but you can still tell that she did a great job.
Graduation is fast approaching, along with deadlines and final exams. I have 8 more days of classes, and only 23 days until graduation day! It is so hard to believe, but I am so so excited.

20 Weeks and 3 days

2011-03-29T17:07:00.002-04:00

We had another doctor visit today and it went great. No ultrasound today, but we got to hear the baby's heart beat- which was absolutely beautiful! I am measuring exactly where I should be at this time, too. Matt and I both thought I was HUGE, but looks like I am just normal!!! We were able to ask lots of questions about the placenta previa and the blood thinner and we both feel much much better about it all. We will find out more when we go back in two weeks for the ultrasound. Until then, lots of prayers that the placenta is "moving" and the placenta previa will be completely corrected, or at least partially corrected by then. As long as their is some movement, it will be a good indication that it will correct itself by 32 weeks. Which is what we want so that we have a much easier and stress free third trimester, a more normal delivery as far as timing, and no risk of hemorrhage or accreta. The sequential results were back today, as well, and everything looks perfect. Almost no risk at all, actually less than the odds of having conjoined twins, of having spina bifida, downs syndrome, anencephaly, or any of the other things they check for. So that was very reassuring. Just nice to know everything is proceeding without problems. More later, and I will try to put a pic of my growing belly up this week, too!!

Baby Rosecrance at 18 Weeks

2011-03-27T09:58:00.003-04:00

Sorry it took me so long to get this up. It was actually taken two weeks ago, at 18 weeks. Thank you to "Crandpa Williams" for taking it from VHS to DVD for us, and to Matt for digitizing it for me so I could put it on the blog. We have another doctor appt. this Tuesday and another ultrasound in two more weeks! I am now 20 weeks, so hard to believe and we are so thankful to be blessed with this baby! I will update again in a few days after our doctor appt. Love to you all!!

18 weeks and 3 days

2011-03-15T17:36:00.003-04:00

We had our big anatomy ultrasound today. The baby looks great. I tried to get a peak to see if it is a girl or boy, but was unable to tell! From one angle it looked like a boy, and from another a girl, so I am no closer to knowing. She was careful not to show us, and she said she didn't know either because she wants it to be a surprise for us. The baby has a beautiful spine, skin fold, brain and heart. Everything looks great with the baby. There is a slight complication, but when I asked Dr. Rousis if we should be worried he said "Yes and No." That didn't give me the warm fuzzies. I have total placenta previa, which is when the placenta is over the cervix. I will go back in two weeks for an exam and then again 2 weeks after that for another ultrasound. So in 4 weeks we will know if we are to worry or not, basically. Of course I will be worrying until then, it's my nature and I just can't help it. The placenta can grow higher up so that it is not covering the cervix, so that is why we check again in 4 weeks. Hopefully we find out the placenta has "moved" (it can't actually move, but at this point the uterus will grow faster than the placenta, so it will be as if it moved higher on the uterus and away from the cervix. Statistically, 5% of pregnancies are diagnosed between 18 and 20 weeks with placenta previa, and 90% correct themselves by the third trimester. So those are very good odds. If it doesn't correct itself, then there is an increased risk of hemorrhage (terrifying since I am on blood thinners presently), premature delivery, low birth weight, and placenta accreta (which is when the placenta grows into the uterine wall and can even attach to other organs like the bladder and usually requires hysterectomy after delivery and surgery to remove the growth from the other organs-also terrifying but this is worst case scenario.) Those of you who know me know that I am now worrying myself into a frenzy. For now, I am not completely on bed rest, but almost. No housework (woohoo!), no camping, no lifting, no exercise, etc. We will just hope and pray that everything is totally corrected by my next ultrasound! More later...

Latest Doctor Visit

2011-02-23T09:31:00.002-05:00

We had a great doctor visit yesterday - all good news to report. Everything is going great with this pregnancy. The baby's heart beat is good and strong. Our first trimester screening all came back normal - so now I am glad I had it done! I was regretting it during the waiting period for the results thinking "why did I even have them done? There is nothing that can be done even if they find something wrong, and now I am just worried." But now that we know there is no increased risk of downs or spina bifida, I am very glad we had it done. I had the doctor look at my stomach at a place I thought might be a hernia. He also thinks it is a hernia but we are just going to watch it for now and if it is repairable he will fix it after my c-section while he is already in there - so that is good news! We go back in three weeks for the big anatomy ultrasound, but of course we are waiting until delivery to find out the gender. I am hoping I can sneak a peak and figure it out for myself!!! I feel like it is a girl, and I have a 50/50 chance I am right, right? I was right with the boys and with Billie, so we will see if I have a "gift" this July, lol! Any one else have any guesses? Post a comment if you think it is a boy or girl - it'll be fun to see what others think! I didn't have an ultrasound yesterday, so no new pictures to post yet. Just three weeks until we have more, though.

Turn of events

2011-02-20T10:41:00.002-05:00

Hello, all. Not really a lot to update about. Everything is going great with the pregnancy. I actually have another doctor appointment with the perinatologist on Tuesday, so I will give an update again later this week. But so far, so good! I am feeling pretty good, except for still trying to shake this cold. I didn't know colds could last so long! The morning sickness seems to be tapering off finally, and I have a lot more energy now. Just looking forward to the day we get to meet our miracle baby! We have been batting names around. I think we are pretty certain of our girl name, but not quite so certain on the boy name yet. I will put the names up later in the pregnancy, so stay tuned. I am still trying to talk Matt into finding out the gender in three weeks when we have our big ultra sound, but his mind is set on waiting until the birth. I guess I can wait if I have to.
School is in full swing for me and I am feeling overwhelmed as I always do when things get busy. But I graduate in less than 12 weeks, so that is keeping me motivated!
Billie is doing great in school and really looking forward to the end of the school year and summer vacation, which is almost just around the corner! She is keeping busy with piano, ballet, hip hop and chorus and soccer will start in a few weeks. We are looking for summer camps for her to do this summer, but it will be tough to get everything in that she wants to do because I don't want her gone in July when we are expecting the baby, or after! I think we will let her do her "stay-over" camp in June and then she can do her horse camp, which is only during the day, either the first two weeks in July or the first of August that way her camp will not be interrupted by the baby's birth.
So this wasn't much of an update, but it's great that everything is going so good that I have nothing to say!!! Quite a turn of events, huh?! I will update again later in the week after our visit with the doctor Tuesday. Until then I hope you all have a great week!!

Middle of July

2011-02-02T09:55:00.002-05:00

More great news. I went to the Perinatologist Monday, the same one that delivered the boys. All of the blood clots are totally gone and the placenta and the baby look great! I go back in 3 weeks for another check up and blood work, and then we will have another ultrasound in 6 weeks. So now it is time to just relax and enjoy the pregnancy and prepare ourselves for our little miracle to be born around the middle of July!! The boys were born July 15. We can hardly believe it. My due date is August 9, but since I had such a large incision with the boys, Dr. Rousis doesn't want me to go in to labor because there is a higher risk of uterine rupture. So, at 37 weeks I will have an amnio to make sure the baby's lungs are mature enough to deliver and we will deliver that week! I hate the thought of the amnio, but I do not want to deliver before the baby's lungs are ready, so it will just have to be that way. When I have time to scan it in, I will post a new pic of our little wiggly baby. I need to get to school, so more later when I have time. We still covet your prayers for a happy, healthy pregnancy and baby!

Ultrasound

2011-01-19T07:27:00.002-05:00

This is the ultrasound we had Monday. You can see the baby move all over the place - a real acrobat! It even sucks it's thumb at one point. It's a long video, so don't feel you have to watch the whole thing! And if you have trouble seeing ultrasounds, sorry, but I wanted to share! Love to all.

More Great News

2011-01-18T06:13:00.002-05:00

We went back for an ultrasound Monday and got great news! The baby looks FABULOUS! And actually like a real baby and not like an alien any more, with a strong, 4 chambered heart - yeah! Last time we had two babies and one, 3 chambered heart so we were ecstatic with the news. The blood clots are less than half the size they were only 12 days ago, so that was more amazing news. They think what is left will just be absorbed by my body. I don't even have to go back this Thursday for a progesterone test. I start being weened off the progesterone on Friday, because I won't need it after 12 weeks- which is just over a week away. Praise the Lord. It is really a miracle. I can't believe we have gotten this far. I will start seeing the perinatologist on January 31, and I should only have to go once a month to see them. Everything is going that good. I am still on bed rest, but only until day one of my 12th week, but they want me to still take it easy. No standing for long hours, so that leaves work out of the question for now still, and not cleaning bathrooms or mopping floors, but it is so worth it, I don't even mind. I need to get Billie up for school, so that is all I have time for. But do check out the baby countdown ticker to the right that I added, just for fun! Thanks for all the prayers - God does hear and does answer prayers! God is Good All of the Time!

Update

2011-01-15T08:52:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone. Just thought I would take a moment to update you. I am now 1o weeks! That seems like a milestone for us. I can't wait to get into my second trimester, it just seems like everything will be OK if I can just get to 12 + weeks. I doubt my risks change any by getting there, but I will feel better and that is important. We had an ultra sound last week and the doctor did the ultrasound this time. He found more bleeding and he felt like it was coming from the placenta, which sounds so scary but he said he thinks it has something to do with what was going on at the time - the placenta was attaching to the wall of my uterus and where that was happening it looked good and thick and no bleeding- this was on the other side of the sac where the placenta had been in it's beginning stage but the placenta had moved over to the wall of my uterus and this was a part that had broken off. That may be way confusing, sorry if it is. He was concerned, for sure, but he said the odds are still in our favor. I go in Monday for another ultrasound and I am so praying that the blood clot is gone and the new bleeding he saw is gone or smaller and that there is no more bleeding anywhere else, and of course for a strong heart beat for our little miracle! The one thing that gives me such joy and confidence is that I have started to feel fluttering! I have actually felt the baby move from time to time. It isn't often, or regular, and it is just tiny fluttering but it is such a comforting feeling. This is about two weeks earlier than I felt the boys move, and a lot earlier than I felt Billie move, but I think I am able to feel it for several reasons. First, I think God has given me this to help calm my fears and give me peace. Second, I think I am more experienced so I know what to "look" for. And third, I think because I am laying down all of the time and super sensitive to every twitch and pain, I naturally am just more aware of what is going on. I haven't been back to the doctor yet to tell him what I have felt, and he may tell me I am crazy. I do know that a 10 week old baby is capable of movement in-utero.
I went back to school on Wednesday. I only have two hours a day, and I go straight there and then come straight home and back to bed, per doctor's orders. I am actually exhausted each day after school. I guess after doing basically nothing for 5 weeks, anything will wear you out!
Billie's 10th birthday is coming up and we still haven't figured out what we are going to do for it. 10 is a BIG deal, but with me on bed rest it puts a kink in things. We are batting some ideas around and we may end up doing a very small celebration with just grandparents now and then do something bigger when I am well and off of bed rest, if that ever happens!
I will try to update after my ultra sound on Monday. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Our Christmas Miracle

2010-12-29T12:24:00.003-05:00

I haven't blogged in a while because I had only one thing on my mind and I wasn't quite ready to share it with everyone yet. But after getting more wonderful news today, I have decided it is time to tell you all about it. I am sure you all could guess by now, and most would be right! So I will just get right to it - we are expecting a baby in August! We have been very nervous and scared, and I have been on bed rest for about 3 weeks now, but we have had two good ultrasounds with a good strong heartbeat! We are still a little scared, but for the most part we are just so thrilled. We found out four weeks ago. At about 5 weeks in I started bleeding. We were devastated and I was certain I was losing it. All of my earlier miscarriages have been between 5 and 6 weeks. But the doctor reassured us and said bed rest was needed. They did the first ultrasound at 6 weeks and 3 days and we were so relieved to see the heartbeat! They also found the likely source of my bleeding; a blood clot in my uterus. I have been taking injections once a day of a blood thinner called Lovenox since we got the positive pregnancy test and I also take a baby aspirin once a day. For those of you who don't know, I have a clotting disorder called PAI 4g/4g that only is a problem during pregnancy and can cause clots and even miscarriage. So I will stay on the blood thinner for the duration of the pregnancy. The Lovenox doesn't cross the placenta, and the baby aspirin does so it will help to ensure no clots on the baby's end. When we get closer to delivery time, they will change me to heparin which is administered twice a day so it is out of your system sooner to ensure a safe delivery.
We went back to the doctor today for another ultrasound. We are 7 weeks and 4 days and we have a good strong heartbeat. Our chances of miscarriage now are only 5%, and I feel much better after seeing our baby has grown a lot in a week and has a beautiful beating heart. This is also further than I have ever gotten in a pregnancy since I had the boys, so that helps boost my confidence, too. And we are doing everything we can possibly do. I am also on progesterone because my levels were too low, which is probably the reason I lost my earlier pregnancies. While we are still being cautious, we are very optimistic this time. Once we get into the second trimester, I will stop worrying and just relax. That's not too far away!
We had a good Christmas, it was just different. I was very sick and still on bed rest so that put a damper on things. We had our traditional breakfast here at our house, with my mom, Cathie and Matt cooking everything while I laid sick on the couch. Later, Matt took Billie to the cemetery to put wreaths on Michael and the boy's graves and then they went to Bill and Wanda's house for the afternoon. I slept most of the time they were gone. Poor Matt is exhausted trying to work all day and take care of everything at home - plus Christmas! He had to decorate the tree and wrap most everything.
I am still technically on bed rest but they said today I could do a little more than I have been doing since it is having emotional effects on me being down for so long. If the bleeding gets any worse, it is back to straight bed rest, though. I am taking it very slow. I really don't have a lot of energy anyway, I guess from being in bed for so long. Plus I have ALL DAY SICKNESS. Which is good, they say, so I am trying to be thankful for it - but that is quite a challenge! We are so looking forward to a late July/early August baby and are praying everything gets easier and goes very smoothly.
Billie is so excited. We told her after we saw the heartbeat for the first time. She was starting to get worried about me being "sick" and we decided after all she has been through it wasn't fair to let her worry like that. We wanted to protect her from another loss if we could, but after losing a parent she worries about losing me anyway and with me sick on the couch or in the bed nonstop day after day it was hard to watch her worry. She is such a sweet girl. She has been a big help to us, too. She is a little guarded, though, I can tell. She has her own defense mechanisms that have kicked in a little. But after we showed her the ultrasound today with the heartbeat, she seems very relieved and excited. She deserves a brother or sister more than any one ever could.
I have seen God answer so many of my prayers in the last 3 weeks, it is just amazing. God is so good, all of the time. Sometimes, over the past 9 years, I have had to tell myself that over and over again, and still I had a hard time accepting it. But I feel it now more than ever. I feel this baby is the miracle we have been expecting from God.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-27T08:36:00.003-05:00

This is Billie at the Fantasy of Trees- her school decorated this tree and we found her ornament and her name on the skirt! She was so PROUD! It was a very cute tree.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. We have had an amazing 3 days. Wednesday Matt and I both only had half days at work/school, so we came home and smoked ribs and a turkey breast. We had Matt's family over for ribs Wednesday night and we had a great time. Then on Thanksgiving we went to Aunt Shirley's for Thanksgiving dinner, and then that night we went to David's house for another Thanksgiving dinner. Friday morning, Kellee and I got at up 2 and went shopping. We were back home by 8:30, and very tired. I went back to bed around 10:30 and got up at 2. While I was taking my long nap, Billie and Matt went swimming with family at their hotel - big fun! Then we went back to David's house for left overs and then we all went to the Fantasy of Trees. It was beautiful this year, and we all had a great time. Billie especially loved shopping in the Secret Santa Shop and making crafts. We usually got to the gala before it opens and they don't have all the crafts and stuff, so this was special and new to her this year. While we did miss getting all dressed up and going to the gala, it was fun to do it this way for a change. Billie is going with Grandma and Grandpa Rosecrance to Dollywood today.
So now it is back to work for me. I have two days of classes left, and two papers and a quiz due in those two days. My first final is Friday! I can't believe this semester is just days away from being over. Then I have to really concentrate on grad school applications. I actually already completed the online application for UT grad school, but I still have to do the Nutrition department application for UT. Then I am planning on applying to the nutrition grad program at GA State, and to 3 other schools that are just internships, not master's programs. I'm just praying I match and get in to just one. My actual first choice is a tie between UT and Life University, which is just a 9 month internship. It would be amazing to be completely finished in 9 months, but more of a hardship to relocate to GA. The good thing is that we still have a house there. But hopefully UT accepts me and we just stay put! They only accept 12 people, so I have to have a back up plan. I am also applying to one internship that is "by-distance" so you travel to them for a week and then they place you in rotations that are within an hour's drive from your home. But that one is my third choice, just because UT and Life both are more in line with my career goals, so they just make more sense. OK, I have rambled on enough - but it is good to get that stuff out of my mind! I hope you are all having a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.

Happy Birthday, Brian (a little early)

2010-11-21T16:23:00.003-05:00

This weekend we all went to Johnson City to surprise Brian for his birthday. His 60th is on December 1, so in order to surprise him, Cathie planned the party for this past Saturday. There was a great turn out, and we really had a great time. There was even a DJ and we all danced together! I will post pics once Janet and David send them to me, I let them be the photographers!

I have one more presentation on Monday, tomorrow at 10am! I am nervous for this one because we have been making adjustments and corrections on it as late as today. We are supposed to memorize it, and I am trying, but I am pretty sure I will just have to lose a few points for looking at my notes. I just need more time to put it to memory. This is for my clinical class and the presentation is on a case study with Cardiovascular Disease. I have learned a lot working on it, though, and it is a neat assignment. I have clinical again next semester, and I bet we will do something similar again.

Billie is doing good. She is trying to get over a cold. Actually, we have all had it. Matt and Billie are both doing better today, but I am still fighting mine. I am sure all of my late nights and early mornings studying have taken a toll on my immune system. But I get a four day weekend coming up, so hopefully I will have time to rest then!

We are all really looking forward to Thanksgiving. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, too! I will try to update over the weekend! Love to you all!

The Sweetener Rap!

2010-11-21T16:21:00.001-05:00

Billie and Chandler helped my group with our creative piece to our presentation on sweeteners for a professional issues in dietetics class. I wrote the rap, and the girls performed it - on video. We did our presentation on Tuesday, and we ended it with this video. I will let you know when we get our grade, but everyone in the class was laughing so I think it went well!

Mommy Dance Day at Ballet

2010-11-10T20:56:00.002-05:00

Tonight was Mommy Dance night at ballet. So guess what I did! Danced Ballet! It was so much fun! It is also so hard, they really make it look so easy and it just isn't. I, of course, wasn't dressed for it, but I didn't let that stop me. And they gave us tutu's to wear! Aren't we just precious? It really was so fun and I am so much more impressed with all that Billie can do, because it is just hard. We had the most wonderful time and I am so glad I was there today and got to do it with her. Sometime in February is their Daddy Dance week - won't Matt be cute in a tutu?

Everything is going smoothly, for the most part. Billie and I are both very busy with school and Matt and I are both busy with work. But we are all doing great, just busy. Blue is growing, thankfully. She had an incident last weekend where we found out she had swallowed some of her toys - whole! It was very scary but she is now fine, we think. We just have to be very careful with her around toys. She is as cute as ever and sweet, too. Hope everyone is good. That is all the time I have now for an update... more when I can, promise! Love to all!

Busy, Busy, Busy

2010-10-21T06:37:00.004-04:00

Just a quick update. I actually poured my heart out in a blog earlier today on the prayer request page. I haven't updated the prayer requests in almost two years; the last one was January '09! I guess I forget that is there. I know when we built the website we thought we would have a year or more of raising conjoined twins and we would have daily requests, but since then I have struggled with prayer and I have finally realized that I have to give that up. When I am weakest, He is strongest. So I am giving that to God, I will struggle with it no more.

To give you a quick update. I started my new job at Mercy Hospital last weekend. It was a very hard, long day, but I loved it. I am thankful for the opportunity; I am learning so much about my field, and I also learned I really don't want to work in a hospital. How great is that to learn so early?! It was not bad getting there at 6am, but it was hard to stay until 4:30! I was so exhausted, but you have to work until the job is done - there is no one else to finish it. All in all, it went great and I had been nervous for nothing. I am looking forward to my next day at work, but I am thankful I am off this weekend. I need some rest for sure!

I had an exam this Monday in my clinical nutrition class; it was hard to work long days and then come home and study but it paid off and I performed well on the exam. Now looking ahead to the rest of the semester -but it is flying by so fast. I have several projects and papers to get done over the next 3 to 4 weeks - and then I will be done with the semester! Amazing! Even more amazing is January will be the start of my LAST semester of college! WHOOHOO! I see a light at the end of the tunnel and it is bright and beautiful and all worth it! Got to run Billie to the bus stop. Hope every one has a great day!

3 More Goals!

2010-10-15T18:06:00.002-04:00

Me and my sweet Aunt Lynn
Kellee, Uncle Arnold and Me - It was his wife, my Aunt Pauline that passed away. They have both always been so good to all of us girls.
Me and My Dad, I haven't seen him in several years.
Me and Kellee and her cousins Brian (who has MD) and Cherry.
Kellee, Jessica and Me (Jessica is the "baby" cousin - she just graduated high school and started college this semester)

My mom and her sisters and brothers. (From left front, my mom (Nancee), Aunt Lynn, Aunt Margaret Ann, Uncle Rob and Uncle John.)
Erin, Kellee and Me.
My Grandma's House - Occupied by some strangers now! It was so weird, as we were taking this picture a man walked from across the street and walked right in! HEHE, I am sure he now owns the house, but it will always be my grandma and grandpa's house to me.

OK, so evidently Billie got a rush scoring that goal because last Saturday she scored 3 goals! They won the game 4 to 2, it was their first win this season, too! We are all excited for tomorrow's game to see what happens this week. Unfortunately I missed the game last week because I went to Michigan. My sweet Aunt Pauline passed away and I went up for the funeral. It was sad, but it was also good to see my family. I stayed with my cousin Erin, and drove up with my cousin Kellee. We had a great trip. It was so nice to have my mom and all of her siblings together; that doesn't happen often since they are spread all along the eastern part of the USA. I especially enjoyed visiting with my Uncle Rob and Uncle John, they are always funny and up for a good time. I didn't get to spend enough time with my Aunts, and that made me sad, but we didn't have a whole lot of time. I got to eat some great Chinese food (Michigan is home of the best Chinese food in America- Just FYI) and a Gyro at Coney Island. I also got famous fish and chips at an Irish pub with my dad and Aunt Brenda. It was great to spend time with everyone. The weather was amazing and they were a little further along in the change of colors up there than we are here. One thing I love about Michigan is there are sidewalks everywhere. We went on several good long walks while we were up there. We needed to since we ate so much! I envy Erin because she does get to walk everywhere she wants to. I posted some pictures up here for you all to see what I was up to last weekend.

This weekend Matt is going to Michigan (too bad we couldn't have timed that better, huh?) for a football game. He is a loyal University of Michigan fan, and he and his dad are heading up there to see a game. It is an annual thing for them now. I am starting a new job at Mercy Hospital tomorrow. I am so nervous it is not even funny. I know the job won't be too hard for me, I just am nervous about not knowing anyone and getting lost. That place is so confusing. I will try to let you know how it went. I work 6am to 2:30 Saturday and Sunday; that makes me a little nervous, too. That is very early but good that I can get it over with and have the rest of the day with Billie and Cathie, who is coming to stay with us for the weekend and to take care of Billie while I am at work. I also have a big exam on Monday and a big project due Tuesday, so I will be very busy this weekend. Wish me luck; I am going to need it!

GOAL!

2010-09-26T21:13:00.000-04:00

Oh My Goodness! Billie scored her first soccer goal Saturday afternoon. It was awesome! She has always played fullback, so the opportunity to score has not been great in her three + years of playing soccer. But on this new team, she is by far the most experienced and the most skilled player so they are playing her at forward and midfield the entire game. So into the third quarter, (which she was supposed to sit out but another girl was hurt so she ended up playing the entire game), she was at midfield and got the ball. She dribbled it around the other team all the way to the goal and managed to kick it in with her left foot! It was awesome, she was so fast and just did everything right. I screamed and jumped up and down. Matt had a hard time not running onto the field and picking her up. He was ref'ing the game, so he somehow gained his composure and stayed on the side line. But he was screaming and jumping up and down, too. Even a good friend of ours, Jennifer, whose daughter was on the opposing team, was cheering for her. Her daughter, Natalie, had been on Billie's team for several seasons so she knows how far Billie has come in her soccer game. Billie was grinning from ear to ear, it was so precious. And she gave a couple fist pumps and leaps herself. We took her straight to Brewster's for ice cream after the game. She got a scoop of cake batter in a waffle cone and ate every last drop! She deserved it for sure. Since she will have plenty of opportunity the rest of the season, we are hoping this is just a taste of what is to come. She was thinking of giving up soccer after this season, but I am wondering if she will not change her mind after the feeling of scoring a goal. I just can't tell you how happy I was for her. Sorry I do not have a picture, I didn't even think to get my camera out. This is all I have time for now, but I will try to update again soon. Love to all!

Alice

2010-09-15T05:30:00.002-04:00

Billie had a piano recital this past Sunday. She played "Alice" from the new Alice in Wonderland movie, the song is by Avril Lavign. (not sure about how she spells her name-sorry if I butchered it). She had a replica dress from the movie. She was beautiful and did a beautiful job! I will upload the video when I have more time.

School has both Billie and I very busy. I am teaching a nutrition class once a week for the NEAT program through the YMCA and health department. It is so awesome getting to work with the children, and getting some experience in my field. It is a really great opportunity for me. I also just got hired at the hospital in the diet office, but haven't officially started yet. My schedule is fixing to get even tighter, but it is all things I need to do if I am to get into grad school and get an internship, which is what I really want. I trust God will fit it all in for me, and still give me time to study and sleep and be with Matt and Billie, too!

Sorry this is so short, but I have a million things to do before I get Billie up for school. Have a great Wednesday everyone!

Back to School

2010-08-27T20:21:00.003-04:00

We have been so busy! Why is it when school starts back, so does everything else? Billie went back to school, and so did I. Plus her dance, piano, soccer and Wednesday night church all started back up, too! It has been crazy around here. Billie was also sick the first week of school. It was so sad. She went to school the first half day. The second day, which was the first full day, she went but the clinic called me at 8:30 saying she was in there with a fever and a headache and stomach ache. I immediately picked her up and when we got home her temp was 102.5! I was so worried; she never runs a fever. That was my first day of school. I had to attend classes otherwise I would be dropped from the class. Luckily our niece, Courtney, hadn't started school yet, she is attending another college here in Knoxville and they start a little later. So she came over and took care of Billie while I went to class. I was home in just a couple hours and took Billie to the pediatrician. She was so sick and hurting so bad she couldn't even walk in - I had to carry her! That hasn't happened since she was very little, mainly because she now weighs 70 lbs and I am just not able to carry her. So the final verdict was a sinus infection and a virus on top of that. She ran a fever until late Saturday afternoon, a full 4 days! So she missed the first three days of school, and had a ton of work to make up. She is all caught up now, and all better now, too. It was nothing serious, but she felt awful and it was so sad for her to miss the first week of school.

I was feeling very overwhelmed, but now I am feeling better about everything. I am taking 19 hours this semester, which is a lot but very doable. I just have to stay organized and diligent. I love the classes I am taking. I am finally learning how to put everything I have learned to practical use. I have a clinical class where I get to put all of my knowledge to use. It is a little scary, though. What if I didn't learn it good enough?! I guess we will see soon.

Blue is doing good, still trying to potty train but it is getting better. She is very good as long as I do not get too busy or distracted. But she does have accidents when I am not paying attention. She is still so sweet and so precious. We love her to pieces. I am so glad we have added her to our family. More later - time is a precious commodity lately!

Emma and Taylor Bailey

2010-08-21T17:42:00.003-04:00

I was so saddened to hear that Emma and Taylor Bailey passed on August 10 due to complications during surgery. My heart is breaking for this family. I can only imagine what they must be going through. Joshua and Caleb were conjoined the same way as Emma and Taylor, but the girls had their own lungs and a bigger heart. They beat all of the odds their parents were given before their birth and lived to be 3 years old. But I know there is nothing that will comfort their parents today as they say good bye to their precious girls. I know God spared us so much pain by taking the boys shortly after birth, even though I sometimes envied the time The Baileys had with their girls, I know what they are going through today is much harder then what we endured. My prayers are with the family today, and will continue to be for many weeks and months to come. Please join me in praying for this precious family. You can find a link to their blog here on our blog, too, so you can follow their story.

A Blue Scare

2010-08-14T07:56:00.002-04:00

Blue was very sick Wednesday morning. She woke up at 4:30 with diarrhea and vomiting and she felt hot to the touch and was lethargic. So I took her to the vet first thing that morning. When we got there the doctor said she thought it was parvovirus and she wanted to keep her there for observation and IV's. We were so scared! After just losing Bob on Saturday, the first thing poor Billie asked was "Are we going to have to put her to sleep?" It broke my heart. But the doctor was wrong and she ended up feeling better after a little IV and medicine. She got to come home at 5 that evening - and boy, was she happy to see Matt when he saved her from the vet! Poor thing, I am sure she had no idea why we had left her there, but it really was for the best. So she ended up having a water born bacteria that she caught from the lake. She is on an antibiotic and a special diet to help soothe her little belly for a few more days. She is feeling much better, though, back to her old self. She is also getting so big! She weighed 16.6 lbs when we took her in this week. Billie was so worried about her, as were Matt and I. I ended up with a migraine that night and I am sure it was stress-induced. You just hear parvovirus and you think the worst. The doctor said that there is an 85% success rate with treating parvovirus, but you all know how we constantly beat the odds in the wrong direction when it comes to health related issues, so that 15% seemed huge to us. It is amazing how bonded we have become with Blue and her with us in just 4 short weeks. But she is a huge part of our family now, and just being here during the day with out her here was so sad- and we even had and extra little girl, Chandler, here all week. We got to keep Chandler, our niece, during the day for the week. Billie and her had the best time together. They are so close, and I think the week together brought them even closer.

School starts Tuesday for Billie. She didn't get the teacher she was hoping for, but I am sure the teacher she got will be great. She did get her very best friend in her class this year, so she was very happy about that. She said it would all be OK because she would have Kailyn to share her troubles with! So cute! Kailyn is a very good little girl and we love that they get to be together again this year. I think if she hadn't been in her class, Billie might have had a nervous breakdown last night after finding out which class she is in. Bless her heart; I have given her the "gift" of worry. I only have myself to blame; neither Matt nor Michael were worriers like me. So please keep her in your prayers- that she stops the worrying and that she loves her teacher. I know Billie and she will not want to go to school if she doesn't like her teacher, and that would break my heart and just not be fair to her. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Rest In Peace, Bob

2010-08-09T10:59:00.003-04:00

Saturday we were forced to put Bob down, bless her heart. It was very peaceful, and we gave her lots of treats before hand. Friday night we took her out for ice cream and cheeseburgers, and gave her a whole bowl of popcorn, just for her. Saturday we took her to Johnson City and let Brian and Cathie tell her goodbye. We gave her more cheeseburgers and lots of doggy treats on the drive there. We took her to Karl Kapoor's office where they have been her Veterinarian her whole life. It was hard coming home and not having her here, but we know we had to do it. It was luxurious sleeping until 9 am Sunday morning and 7 am this morning, but it was bitter sweet. We really needed to get caught up on sleep as Bob hasn't been able to sleep in about two weeks, which means one of us was awake with her at all times. But I will miss her waking me up early so that I could have a productive morning, and I will hate waking up to an alarm - we haven't set one in at least two years! Waking up to a dog whimpering is much more pleasing than any alarm clock jolting you out of sleep, no matter what time it is! Matt is especially sad; she was his dog, after all. He lived with her almost as long as he lived with his parents! Billie took it harder than we imagined she would, but she is doing OK now. I am glad we have Blue to soften the blow for all of us. Bob may have been annoying in her old age, but we all loved her very much and she will be greatly missed. I am also thankful we had our family pictures made, just one week before we had to put her down, too. We had no idea at the time that she only had a week left, but we knew the time was getting closer. She just could not get comfortable and could not get any rest anymore.

Matt had a very bad weekend. Not only did he lose his 16 year old dog, but he also stepped on a piece of glass (we think it was glass, but didn't actually see it) in the lake and had to get 5 stitches in the bottom of his foot. He can't wear regular shoes, and he can't put his weight down on it. It was a very deep cut. Hopefully it will mend quickly and he will be good as new in a week or two. No golf for a while, though!

School starts next week for both Billie and myself. We are both ready to go back, I think. Billie is excited to see her friends and is hoping for one certain teacher (I won't mention who as to spare the feelings of all the fourth grade teachers.) I am excited that it is my final year in undergrad and I will graduate in May. I took the GRE last week, and it went great! I am still waiting for my final score, but I got my verbal and quantitative scores already and they added up to only 10 points less than my goal- so I decided that was good enough and I would just be happy with it! I am excited to see my analytical writing score because I really think that was my best part. I actually felt like I was cheating when I took it because the two choices I got were actually the two choices I had practiced at home from my preparation book! What are the odds? I told Matt it must have been God giving me a break for a change! I'll take it anywhere I can get it. But after I read the two options I was looking over my shoulder and up at the security cameras wondering if I was on a hidden camera show or something. I sped through the process and moved on to the verbal and quantitative and actually had time to spare on every section. It was really a relief. I was so nervous that I would go in there and bomb it. When I was studying for it I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere at all, but I guess I was. I was letting my decision to go to grad school be up to how I did on the GRE. I love school, love learning, and really want to get my masters and my RD, so I am glad the decision was easy and my scores were good. My hope is to get into the program at UT but it is very competitive so I may get rejected, and very disappointed. We don't apply until December, so I will let you know what happens. Wish me luck!

Family Pictures

2010-08-02T19:02:00.003-04:00

We had family pictures made Saturday. We had a very good time, and got great pictures! We took everyone, even both dogs, to UT Gardens. It was a beautiful setting, and we beat the storm by about 10 minutes! We got so lucky.

To update everyone on Billie's time at Camp Wesley Woods-- She had a blast! She was already planning to go next year on the car ride home. Her favorite parts were the rock climbing wall and the camp out. I only heard of the camp out after I had dropped her off and it made me worry. My friend said her daughter hated it; they don't sleep in a tent, they have a tarp they throw over a rope strung between two trees and lay one down on the ground for the "floor." I was so worried it would rain or storm and that she might be scared. Now when we camp, we use a tent so she has been "real camping," and only "real camping." But you all know me well enough to know I have to worry about something, so I worried about that. I guess God showed me; making it her FAVORITE part of the whole week. Not the horses, not the swimming, not being with 13 girls her own age, but the camp out that I fretted over the whole time. I don't know why I can't stop worrying, but I am going to continue to work on it. Billie loved camp; she loved all the bible study and learning about Jesus she got to do, that was also a favorite part for her. She was very glad they spent a lot of time learning about the Lord. She also loved all the camp songs and has been singing them to me since she got home. I am so glad she had such a good time. That is a wonderful experience for her, and I am so thankful she got to do it.

I am taking the GRE tomorrow. I am so not ready, but I am scheduled so I will be taking it. Wish me luck. I have no idea how I will do, but I don't expect to do too well this first time. I will hopefully use it as a learning experience, and take it again in a few months to improve my score. Or maybe I will just get lucky and guess right! HEHE, I realize I am not a lucky person; so I plan on taking it twice.

I will let you know how it went, but no laughing at me behind my back!

Billie's Fist Time at Camp

2010-07-29T06:06:00.002-04:00

Billie has been at camp this week, her first time at "sleep-over" camp. She comes home tomorrow, and I am ready! We got a letter from her yesterday; it said "Dear Matt and Mommy, I got your letter you sent me. I love you you are so cool. Love, Billie" And she drew a little picture for us, too. So sweet, and so frustrating. I so wanted to hear how camp was! Was she hot at night, did she fall in love with her horse, has she made a new "BFF," how is the food, how is your counselor?! I suppose I should have maybe told her something like that before she went, I just assumed she would write a letter explaining something about her experience at camp. I was so disappointed last night when I read the letter, I almost cried. But Matt was quick to remind me that if she didn't say "Help!" or "Come get me," she was probably having the time of her life. Tomorrow can't get here fast enough for me. I am so glad she was able to go, and I know she has had a great time, but it is hard not hearing from her. The letter yesterday did help a little, but, like I said, it wasn't enough information for me! I will try to blog Saturday and share her experience with you all.

Before and After

2010-07-21T06:10:00.003-04:00

Before:

After:

We tried to grow grass several times. It was always pretty nice in the middle of the yard, but around the fence and in the corners it was yucky, muddy, moldy and messy. So this was a super fix for us. We planted juniper, knock-out roses, spirea, burning bushes, rhododendron and a couple different trees. Then we dug a trench and put a border in to keep the rocks in, and we finally put pea gravel in over everything. We still need to do something under the deck where grass just won't grow. Our yard is tiny, so we really want to put something green in there. Any suggestions anyone has will be greatly appreciated. We have thought of placing some pea gravel there or even pavers, just to keep the dogs from getting muddy, but we hesitate to change the illusion of a bigger yard by covering up all the green under there. We have also batted around the idea of some kind of ground cover like a low evergreen, or ivy. Whatever it is has to be able to grow in deep shade. We love our "new" back yard. It is so nice to be back there. I can't wait for the weather to cool off a little now so we can also enjoy it in the day, not just evening and morning. Every plant was planted in honor of the boys birthday, and it makes me feel so good to have given life to something in their memory, even if it was only plants. It just feels good to be doing something positive. There is always that little nagging urge to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and just wallow in my grief and I am so glad I am able to turn that into such a positive thing for my family to enjoy for years to come. We have to be out there several times a day with the new puppy, so it might as well be a pleasing place to be!

Update on Billie's Ears: All is well! She is all better from the infection and the swimmer's ear is all cleared up, too. We took her to the Audiologist and while she does have tiny bit of hearing loss, it should repair itself on it's own and quickly. The doctor said she has "selective hearing loss" which we already knew, anyway! He cleared her to swim and enjoy the rest of her summer!

Billie goes to camp soon. I can't believe I am letting her go for 5 days! But she has a friend from church going with her and I know she is going to have a blast. Let's just hope I survive the week!

On a sad note, today is the anniversary of Michael's death. I will find time to sneak over to the cemetery, but I do not mark it in Billie's memory. I want her to have positive thoughts of her Daddy, so we celebrate his birthday and Father's Day and not his death. Who knows if I am doing the right thing, but I know I promised him I would always keep his memory alive, and marking his death just doesn't feel like I am doing that; it makes me sad and why would I want to make Billie sad? She already misses him without me saying a word. I will probably hug her more today and talk about her daddy more today, but I will not tell her why. Of course if she asked anything about his death, I would always be honest with her. When she thinks of her Daddy I want it to be happy memories, and I know that is what he wanted for her, too.

Better Pictures of the Cupcakes

2010-07-21T06:07:00.002-04:00

Ok, so the posting of the blog from my phone worked ok, but not the pictures so much. I thought you might want to see better pictures of them, so here you go!

Birthday Cupcakes

2010-07-17T11:29:00.001-04:00

Just a quick post to share the cupcakes we made to celebrate the boys birthday with. I'm not sure how good the picture will show up, but there are crocs, hippos, koi and reed- supposed to be like things you find in the river in Africa. I know koi aren't in Africa, but it was the easiest kind of fish to make! And the reed is probably found more in the ocean but I thought it would look cute. We are headed to the lake to be with Brian and Cathie and celebrate with them. I am actually posting this from my phone. This is my first time using this app, so I have no idea how it will look or work. But I think it's so cool that I can now blog from anywhere! It's slower, though, typing on the phone so they will have to be shorter posts. I'm sure I will have plenty of typos, so don't hold it against me.
Last night we had my mom and Danny over for dinner. We had a great time. We were excited to share with them Blue and our newly revamped back yard. It was a fun evening. Now on to the lake for more fun and the finally to our birthday festivities. We plan on continuing the tradition Amy started last year and writing messages to the boys on balloons and sending them up to sky. I am so thankful to God for helping us heal and giving us the strength and ability to remember and honor Joshua and Caleb without sadness and longing. God is good all of the time.

Happy 2nd Birthday Joshua and Caleb

2010-07-15T07:00:00.003-04:00

Happy Birthday Joshua and Caleb! I can't believe it has been two years, (or it will be around 4:30 today) that I held my beautiful miracle twin boys! I know I have said this before, but on one hand it seems like yesterday and on the other it seems like a lifetime ago. The good thing is we have healed so much since July 15, 2008. Yesterday Billie and I made this wreath and we are going to take it out to the cemetery later today. I don't know if you can tell, but I hand painted each little letter to look like African animal print. It turned out really cute! It was very fun to make, and it kept me busy yesterday while Matt was at work. It is good to keep me busy, then I am not able to get too sad. I don't want to get sad this birthday, I want to stay positive and count my many blessings. Billie and I also completely transformed our back yard yesterday. I will put before and after pictures up tomorrow or this weekend. We planted shrubs and roses in memory of Joshua and Caleb. This is a surprise to Matt. He hasn't seen it yet, since he got home yesterday after dark and it just wouldn't look good in the dark, we are making him wait until this morning to look at it. We have to be back there a lot now to walk the puppy on a leash, and I really thought we would enjoy it much better if it was pretty back there. We have a little more work to do, somethings that I couldn't do without Matt's help, but once that is done it will be our own little haven to go and sit and relax in. It turned out really good, and I am very proud of it. That said, I have an aching back this morning and blisters and cuts all over my hands! Every rose has it's thorn, and they got me - several times! But it was worth it. I have wanted to do something back there since I moved in four years ago, but I just kept procrastinating. Now we can think of Joshua and Caleb's second birthday while we enjoy the pretty back yard. That also kept me very busy yesterday, and I woke up this morning just feeling excited and happy. I feel so close to the boys today - it's such an awesome feeling! I know I am OK. I am where I should be. I am out of "The Great Sadness." If you haven't read The Shack, you need to. He talks about his "Great Sadness" in the book, and I was able to recall two periods in my life that fall into that category: losing Michael, and losing Joshua and Caleb. It took me 3 years to come out of it after Michael's death, and it has only taken me 2 years with the boys. That is an improvement, at least. Part of it I know is because I have Matt to share my grief with. When Michael died I had lots of support and loved ones that were also grieving his loss, but no one that had been his wife and I didn't have my best friend there to cry on his shoulder. He was gone. He felt so out of reach; I felt absolutely separated from him. When the boys died, I had Matt that was feeling their loss the same way that I was. I could tell him what I was feeling, and he was feeling the same thing. It just helped so much to have someone there that really was going through the exact same thing as me. I am sure going through the loss of my husband also made me stronger and better able to deal with the loss of my sons, too. So I guess I have Michael and Matt both to thank for helping me through the loss of my sons. God has blessed me so much with wonderful men to love me whole-hearted. So today I will count my blessings: Michael, Matt, Billie, Joshua and Caleb. There are many other blessings in my life; like my wonderful family, and both of my in-laws who are my family, as well, and I will take today to thank God for each and everyone. If you are reading this and you are in this list, know that I love you so much and I am so thankful for you in my life.

Today we will go to the cemetery and then we are going to Elkmont. I am making us a picnic lunch and we are taking Blue with us, too. It is going to be a great family day, and we are going to celebrate it and be happy. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOSHUA AND CALEB! I love you with all my heart.

Biblical Namesakes of Joshua and Caleb

2010-07-14T09:11:00.004-04:00

Today I thought I would share with you an excerpt of the funeral message given by Dr. Crocker. This part of the service is where he explained why we named the boys Joshua and Caleb...

"You recognize that Joshua and Caleb were named for biblical characters by those names. This was not simply a case of names that sounded good but names that represented people who demonstrated extraordinary faith. Their stories are told in the Old Testament.

Joshua and Caleb were part of a team of 12 men sent into Canaan before the people of Israel occupied that land. Their job was to recon the land and report to Moses and the people what they found. Ten of the 12 reported back that the people were massive and they lived in fortified cities and Israel would never be able to conquer the Canaanites. But Joshua and Caleb had a different view. They agreed that it wouldn't be easy, but they were confident that God who brought them out of Egypt and safely to the borders of Canaan would also give them strength and wisdom to prevail. However, the people went with the majority report and turned back and, as a result, spent an additional 40 years in the desert.

For his faith and trust in God, Joshua was appointed by Moses to succeed him in leading the people, so that when they returned to Canaan, it was Joshua who led them in their conquest of that territory. To this day Joshua is known as one of the more faithful, courageous, and successful leaders of the Hebrew people.

Caleb was among the people when they moved into and took the land away from the fierce Canaanites. When it came time to divide the land among the people, Caleb pulled Joshua aside. I can just see him with his arm around Joshua's shoulders saying something like this: 'Joshua, do you remember when we came here as spies? And do you remember what we told Moses and the people about how God would give us this land? Well, that is precisely what has happened. And do you remember what Moses said to us? He said that one day we would live in the land we saw. He said our trust in the Lord would pay off for us one day. Well, Joshua, here we are. See that mountain in the distance? I saw that mountain 40 years ago and I haven't stopped thinking about it. Joshua, I want that mountain! When you parcel out the land, give me that mountain. I know there are powerful people living there, but I am confident that God will give that land to me. God promised it to me and now I've come back to receive what he promised to give!'

Joshua and Caleb are still worthy models for God's people not because they were leaders but because they trusted God totally. In naming their sons Joshua and Caleb, Matt and Crystal set a course for themselves throughout the remainder of their journey to trust God totally. And every time they have said their names, they were reminded of the crucial importance of trusting God throughout, and that is precisely what they have done."

Dr. Crocker was right. Every time I speak their names, even today, I am reminded of how we are called to trust God completely. And God was so faithful and good, he didn't let us down. Maybe it didn't play out the way I was praying it would, but God saw us through it and we are stronger people individually and as a couple because of God.

As some of you know, we have had more losses in the form of early miscarriages since the boys were born and we have been seeking help from a doctor for this. I will admit there have been days that I have been so bitter and angry that God won't "fix" it for us. But then He always gently reminds me that He has a plan for us, and I just have to trust Him totally. God's timing is perfect as well as His plan. I trust that God has a wonderful plan for our family, and I just have to trust Him totally and watch it unfold. When I think of it that way, I am very excited for what the future holds for me and my wonderful family.

I have been thinking of how excited the boys must be to be turning 2 years old tomorrow. Not only were they born two years ago, but they went home to be with Jesus two years ago. I am certain there will be a HUGE party in heaven to mark the blessed day tomorrow. I am also certain everyone is anxious with anticipation and excitement to celebrate. I can see the boys in my mind with little party hats on, balloons all around, and a magnificent birthday cake with two sets of two candles for each to blow out! I am going to try to take tomorrow and celebrate, and not be sad for my loss, but rejoice in the knowledge that my beautiful two boys that brought so many people to their knees before God are spending their second birthday with Jesus. I have said it before and still mean it, as much as I want to hold them and kiss them, I would never take them away from Jesus to do it. That is where they belong, it is where we all belong eventually. And I will rest in the assurance that one day I will be with them again.

Blue

2010-07-13T06:35:00.003-04:00

Let me introduce you to Blue, our new boxer puppy! She is so sweet. She is very smart, somewhat stubborn, very loving, very playful and very fun. We got her Sunday after church. She was in the second litter of puppies we looked at. We went to see another littler on Saturday but decided they were a little too "rough." They had been kept outside, not with the family, and they lacked vital social skills. They were older and we were afraid they were too old to learn what they had already missed. They were adorable, too, so it was a hard decision. But I am so glad now that we waited. Blue is perfect for our family. She LOVES Billie, and Billie loves her. She follows Billie around everywhere, it is so cute. Bob is doing great with her. She even left her "bed" last night to cuddle with the puppy that was sleeping on the rug in the living room. All of that said, it is hard having a puppy. She got up this morning at 4:30. I took her potty and then put her back in her kennel to go to sleep, but she cried and barked until I got her back out at 5:20. Bob got up then, so I figured it was just time for everyone to eat breakfast. She is doing pretty good with potty training. It just takes time and patience. She is only 7 weeks old, so it will not happen overnight. She loves to please us, though, so I don't think it will take long. Matt taught her to fetch yesterday! She is so smart. She doesn't bring it back, but she goes and gets it. She loves to play, as all puppies do, I guess. But she also loves to sleep and cuddle. She is very loving, and she enjoys praise and love more than treats. That may change over time and probably will. She is also learning to go on a leash. Matt has his heart set on teaching her to go into her kennel by saying "go to the Big House." For those of you that do not know Matt is a huge Michigan football fan and their stadium is called "The Big House." It is funny to say, but it doesn't bother me if it makes him happy! I admit I feel a little silly saying it, though. Blue is an excellent addition to our family. I will be sure to update the blog with pictures of her as she grows, and I know I will have plenty of funny stories to share with you about her as she gets more adventurous. She has also been a nice distraction for all of us, helping us not to concentrate on the boys birthday which is on Thursday quite as much. It doesn't completely erase it from our minds, but it allows us to smile and have something positive to put our energies into.

The Wonderful People That Helped Us

2010-07-12T06:37:00.005-04:00

I thought I would share with you how wonderful the nurses, anesthesiologist, respiratory therapists and doctors were during our pregnancy, delivery and after. First of all, everyone at the perinatologist were pretty much at our beck and call 24/7. Every question we had, every request we needed, all of it was attended to immediately. Sometimes they couldn't answer our questions. And they were honest about that and always tried to get us the answers we needed. No one there had ever seen conjoined twins before, we were their first, so it was scary not only for us but for them as well. About 6 weeks after we had the boys, they had another set of conjoined twins at the perinatologist. We had them give the couple our contact information, but they never got in touch with us. We were comforted by the fact that we had "broken them in" at the perinatologist and that they were fresh and up to date on conjoined twins. They also could tell those parents with confidence that they had seen and delivered one set of conjoined twins. I am sure that helped the experience both on the staff and the new parents.

The people at Children's were so amazing. They had a whole team dedicated to our boys. We sat down in a conference room with them several times and just shot questions out at them. "What if this happens, what do we do?" They were able to "dumb it down" for both of us and explain all of our options so we had a good birth plan in the event of anything. It all went so smoothly because we had no decisions to make once the boys were born, we had already made them and signed on the dotted line and everyone working with our boys new exactly what we wanted and didn't want. I feel like they loved our boys as much as we did, different than us, of course, but I know the boys had an impact on the lives of everyone they came into contact with, and even on those that only heard about them. That is an awesome and inspiring thought. They did everything they could to help give our boys everything they needed to sustain life. There just wasn't anything anyone could do. They were meant to be here only a short time. God's timing is awesome, even if I do not understand it. He gave us exactly what we needed. At the time, I wanted them to live long enough to at least bring them home. But I know now that would have been so much harder. Watching them live, and then seeing them die would have been unbearable. God knew exactly how it would go. He had a plan for us and for Joshua and Caleb.

Everyone at Ft. Sanders was equally amazing to us. They were also prepared for us. Roger, our anesthesiologist, was hoping he would be working the day we went into labor. He had heard of us, as most of the staff had, and had been following our blog and praying for us. He prayed with us twice before the surgery. He was sweet and wonderful to us. He came back the next day to check on us and brought us the book "The Shack." We both read it while sailing with Bob and Nancy to Catalina and were inspired, strengthened and changed forever. He also played the Curious George CD during delivery and that soundtrack now always takes us back to that day, in a good way. We used the music for our slide show of the boys, too. Sometimes the songs make me cry still, but most of the time they just make me feel closer to the boys. The funny thing is, we already owned the CD-it just didn't have any meaning and we really didn't think it was that great before. Jack Johnson is now one of my favorite artists. Just hearing his voice makes me think of Joshua and Caleb.

The nurses at Ft. Sanders were all great. Some of them came in just because they had signed up to be on our team. They came in just to be there for us, for the boys. It is very humbling that so many people would sacrifice their day off just to help me, someone they didn't even know, through a hard time. They had let everyone know they were going to have conjoined twins, but they were not allowed to talk about it outside of closed doors, not in the elevator, not in the cafeteria, not anywhere. They knew that we wanted our privacy, and they were going to keep our secret. Our friends that had conjoined twins said that it turned into a media spectacle at their hospital, and we didn't want that. If the boys had lived, we would have been forced to share them and at the least let the hospital make an announcement, but since we knew they might die we didn't want to have to deal with media while trying to grieve. Everyone at both hospitals respected that. There is not one person that worked with us that I can't still picture their face. They all hold such a special dear place in my heart and always will. They make me feel closer to Joshua and Caleb. I am so lucky to have them. Thanks for putting up with my reminiscing. It is so good for my soul. Thursday my boys will be 2, it is hard to imagine that on one hand, and on the other it seems like even longer since they have been gone. God is so good to let me be healthy and happy even without Joshua and Caleb in my arms.

Remembering

2010-07-08T20:08:00.004-04:00

I was just thinking about the day I went into labor. It actually started the night before, on July 14th, but I didn't know. I just starting crying and I told Matt "something is wrong but I don't know what." We had a doctor appointment the next day, so Matt mentioned this at the appointment to Dr. Bruner so he checked me and sure enough I was dilated to 3 and fully effaced. I remember I said "OH NO!" and Dr. Bruner said "It doesn't mean you are in labor for certain. Are you having contractions?" Of course I had been all day, I had already taken two of my pills to try to stop the labor, I can't remember now what it is called but it is actually a breathing medicine but what it does is relax the smooth muscle so it can make the pain of false contractions go away. I guess I was pretty much in denial. So they hooked me up to a monitor and started timing my contractions and sure enough I was in labor. Dr. Bruner came over to me and said "We are going to deliver today. What did you have for breakfast?" I immediately started crying because I wanted to just keep them in my belly. I knew they were safe there- they didn't have to breathe on their own there. I would have stayed pregnant with them forever just to save them and keep them with us. He let Matt come in then, even though only patients were allowed in the monitoring room. He had a nurse take us over to the hospital and we started getting prepared and making our calls. My contractions really kicked in once we got settled. I was glad we were there at the hospital, and not trying to get there. It was still a long day, they didn't take me back until 4pm. We had lots of friends and family visit us, and we had a lot of people from Children's Hospital come in and go over our plan with us again. Everyone there was ready for us, I felt so safe with them. I was terrified, of course. I didn't have that excitement that I had with Billie that I was actually about to meet my baby for the first time. I was so terrified that they would be still born, or that they wouldn't live long enough for me to get to hold them. I was also terrified that I would either die during the surgery or lose my uterus. OK, I can admit now that was a stupid fear. But I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and I was unable to think very clearly. Of course the doctors have to warn you of any complications that might come up, and since our babies were conjoined and were the first set ever delivered at Fort Sanders- they were scared and that made us scared. Dr. Bruner, however, was very calm and seemed very confident everything would be fine. I will save the rest of the story for later in the week. It actually makes me feel better to get these thoughts out like this. I think it is good for me to remember and grieve and I am able to do it and not wallow in my sorrows, but remember the miracles that we were blessed with in Joshua and Caleb. Man, do I love those boys! I think about them in heaven all of the time, and to me they are separated and two years old. My mind just pictures them that way. But their faces are always blurry. I can never get a real clear look at them. I am hoping for another dream of them soon, it has been so long. Until then, I will hold on to my memories.

Bless Billie's Ears

2010-07-08T19:31:00.004-04:00

My cousin Kelly was in town from Virginia to visit us this week and took some great photos of Billie and I in Elkmont. We enjoyed Kelly's stay so much and were all sad for her to leave this morning.

I wanted to give everyone an update on Billie's ears; the infection is all cleared up, thankfully! She does have some hearing loss still, though, so we are going to have them tested by an audiologist at the ENT. Hopefully they can get to the root of the problem and we can get her back up to hearing 100% quickly. Molly (our nurse practitioner that is treating Billie) said that she could see some scarring on the ear drum. She also said there could still be some fluid back behind the ear drum that she just can't see but that the audiologist would be able to find and tubes would be an easy fix to the problem. I am hoping by our Monday appointment that she has regained a lot of her hearing if not all of it and we get a clean bill of health. I do ask you all to pray for her, though. I feel just awful about the whole thing still. I should have taken her in earlier, and I will not make that mistake again, hopefully! Bless Billie's heart - and EARS! She loves music so much, it would be absolutely horrible if her hearing is permanently damaged. But Molly does not think this hearing loss is permanent, so we are just praying that it is temporary and short lived!

I can't finish the blog without mentioning July is a huge month for us. July is sad and a very hard month for me to get through. We lost Michael six years ago on July 21, and of course the boys were born and passed on July 15, 2008. I can not believe it has been two years since I held my beautiful babies, and I can't believe Michael has been gone six years. We also lost my grandma on July 29, 8 years ago. Needless to say, I could take the whole month of July and stay in bed and hibernate through it, but I choose to push on instead. Some days I am so bitter, and I am angry. But other days I am just thankful that God saw me through my losses and try to hold on to my faith that He has a wonderful plan in store for me and my family- so much better than I can even imagine. I am pretty ready for that plan to be shown, but I know I have to wait for God's timing not my own. I know there is a reason for everything that happens, and that God will use it all to glorify His name, but I am not a very patient person. It is hard to remain faithful but when I am struggling I continue to remind myself that when I am weakest He is strongest and God's Grace is sufficient for me. Some days I have to repeat that to myself over and over again, but it eventually gets through my stubborn bitterness and it always makes me feel better and gives me renewed Hope in God's plan for our lives.

I promise to update the blog as soon as I know something about Billie's ears, and I am also going to try to put some pictures of the boys up next week as well as blog about some memories from our pregnancy and their birth. Love to everyone!

Billie is sick

2010-06-18T12:46:00.003-04:00

Hello, everyone! Just a quick update. Billie stayed last week with her Grandma and Grandpa Rosecrance at the boat house for "cousins week." She had a great time. She complained a couple times of her ear hurting but she kept saying it wasn't bad, and then she would be fine; sleep fine, play fine, eat fine and no fever. When she got home last night she said again her ear hurt and I looked in them and found some blood and debris, so this morning first thing we went to her doctor. Bless her heart. She had double ear infections, ruptured ear drums and swimmer's ear on top of it all! I feel so guilty. I should have taken her way before today. She must have an insanely high tolerance for pain. She told me later that it hurt really bad, but she just didn't want to miss anything at the lake. Of course Cathie and Brian would have taken her to a clinic, but she kept saying she was OK and that it felt better. We know to not listen to that next time. I knew Sunday I should have taken her, but I let her talk me out of it because she just didn't want to go. Next time I will go with my gut. Poor baby. She has a fever today and feels terrible. So we are giving her lots of rest and love. She is on an antibiotic plus she has a an ear drop that is an antibiotic and steroid to take care of the swimmers ear. She can't swim for three days, which shouldn't be a problem since she has been at the lake for four days! Everyone enjoy the heat, at least here in Knoxville it is so HOT! Happy Summer in just a few days!

God is Good

2010-06-05T09:34:00.002-04:00

Happy Saturday, everyone! I have just been relaxing this morning with coffee and Billie. I love Saturday mornings when we have nothing we have to do. Although, I really need to be cleaning my house! That will happen a little later this morning. I am done with school now for the summer, that is the best feeling ever! I have nothing except my family to worry about every evening and weekend. I am studying to take the GRE, I have that scheduled for August 3, so I do have some studying still, but it is different and doesn't seem as "pressing" as when I am preparing for an exam at school. Probably because I am a procrastinator and I have almost two months to prepare! But since it really tests you on a lifetime of knowledge, I probably can't "study" that much, it is more about practicing my test taking skills and familiarizing myself with the format. Billie has soccer camp next week at UT, and she is excited about that.

I woke up missing my boys so much this morning. Yesterday I read a blog of one of my good friends that also had beautiful conjoined twins that passed away shortly after birth. It was a flash back of the day they found out their girls were conjoined. I read it on my lunch break, and I sat out in the gazebo at work and just let myself think and cry. Sometimes I think that is so good for me. I tend to push my memories and thoughts into the back of my head to "deal with later" and then never pull them back out. I sat there after reading it and let my mind wonder the to day we found out our boys were conjoined. I tried to remember how it felt. I remember going in so happy and excited, and leaving 8 hours later exhausted and filled with panic. How can something so wonderful turn so bad? We were so hopeful, though. I just knew they would have two hearts and be separable. We then had the task of telling our family and friends. We left my car there, since we had driven both cars that day, with plans for Matt to bring someone back later to get it. Matt called his best friend, Danny, and asked him to drop everything and come over and I called Kellee and asked the same. They both did it without asking any questions and were here within minutes. It was so hard to say out loud at first. There is nothing in the whole world that could have prepared us or our loved ones for the news that we were having conjoined twins. We are so blessed to have such wonderful and supportive friends and family surrounding us. They carried us through that time. God put the people we needed in our lives way before we would have the boys, just to support us through that time. God is so good! Like my friend Vanessa said yesterday, our lives are now split into two time periods; before we found out about the boys, and after. I guess that is true with any "big" thing that happens in your life. I still say things like, "That was before Michael got sick." or "before Billie was born." And even "before I met Matt." If you have read "The Shack," you know that he judges time by "The great sadness" and while I read that book I kept thinking that I have two periods in my life like that: the day I found out Michael was sick, and the day I found out my boys were conjoined. Those two days changed my life forever. But I still do not have any regrets. I still love the person God has created in me, and I know that all I have been through is part of God's plan. God is good. He is always good. Even when I do not understand or like it, I will hold on to my faith in God's plan for my life and that he knows what he is doing.

Billie's Piano Recital- the video

2010-05-27T07:54:00.002-04:00

Hopefully this works. Enjoy! Thanks to Matt for filming and editing and making it a web-friendly video for me!

Busy Weekend

2010-05-24T07:49:00.003-04:00

We had a very busy weekend. Billie had a soccer tournament on Saturday, they tied 1 - 1. Courtney (my cousin Kellee's oldest) graduated from high school on Saturday, too. Billie had a piano recital on Sunday, which these pictures are from. And Courtney's graduation party was Sunday, too. Billie did great! She played "Lean on Me." We took a video of it, and if I ever figure out how to post it, I will. We had a very good time at Kellee's house after the piano recital. We got there very late, but were still able to visit with some of our friends and family. I am so proud of the young woman Courtney has become. She is so sweet and so smart; she got two scholarships! I love that Billie has her and Mackenzie for role models. They are both just wonderful girls. They are very sweet to Billie, and she absolutely adores them. I am so glad since she doesn't have siblings around, that she has Courtney and Mackenzie to help fill that gap. She will always have them to confide in, and I trust them to give her good, sound advice. I have to get to school, but will try to update again soon!

Good Morning

2010-05-18T07:24:00.002-04:00

Good morning! Sorry I have let over half of May get by me without a blog. Let me bring you all up to date. I had finals the first week of May. They were exhausting - 5 in one week! But they all went great and I am officially a senior now! That is so amazing and exciting to me. I am really going to make it--I see a light at the end of the tunnel! I am taking sociology now for a miniterm class. I love it. My teacher looks JUST like Clint Eastwood. We asked him yesterday if he has been told that before and he said "No, but my kids call me Clint." He is so funny. Retired from the Army, with a PhD in Sociology. We have an exam today, I think when he hands me my exam I will say "Go ahead, make my day." So miniterm is only 3 weeks, so I get 3 credits in 3 weeks! I love it!

Billie is finishing up 3rd grade. Today is 3rd grade day. She was very excited going to school today. I am going to join her after my exam. I can't believe she will be in the 4th grade next year. She was reminiscing yesterday about the last year and she was saying how she loves Mrs. Kauffman so much. She will miss her next year. We have been so lucky with all great teachers every year, I sure hope 4th grade is the same. Friday is her last day, and she has a half day. Her friend is going to come home with her to her Grandma and Grandpa's house (I have to work)where they will be having a end of the school year pool party! I sure hope all this stormy weather passes before then. I guess we are getting our April showers in May! I am pretty tired of it, myself.

Matt is doing good, too. He has been working on his golf game. I am so glad. His new office overlooks the golf course, so he will go to the driving range on his lunch break or after work for a bit. He has played several games on the weekends with his friends, too. I am glad he can get out and fun on his own. I know it is good for his soul, and his golf has improved so I guess it is good for his game, too!

We are looking forward to June when we take our family vacation to Elkmont to go camping with all the Rosecrance/Spriggs family. It is going to be so fun. We are going to have about 30 people and we have a group camp site so we can all be together. The fireflies will be out, so we will have nightly shows, too. Billie is especially excited. She loves to camp. She loves the out doors, loves to get in the mud and get dirty, explore the woods and creeks.

I think that catches everyone up to date for now. I will try to post some recent pictures later in the week! Love to all!

Drive Safely

2010-04-22T09:33:00.003-04:00

I know a lot of you already know, but I thought I would fill in those non-family members that read our blog about my cousin Kristin. For those who do not know her, she is my cousin and we are about the same age and since we were babies we were inseparable. In the picture from my last blog, she is the little blond girl. My Grandpa called us "The Two Kris's (or Crys's if you want to spell it my way!) We often times would meet at my grandparents house and spend a few days together with them. When I moved to Tennessee I thought I would probably die because I wouldn't be able to see her anymore. We wrote almost daily and tried to always one-up the other one by sending goofy cards or gifts, sometimes really cool posters and things. My dreams came true about a year after I moved, her and her family moved here! It was amazing, for the first time in our lives we got to go to school together. Over the years we have remained close, until just recently, but I won't go into that. On Monday night, April 12, Kristin was in a very bad car accident. She was flown by life star to UT hospital with multiple injuries. She remained in ICU for the better part of the week, and had surgery on Friday on her spinal cord and her leg. She initially had bleeding in her brain and her spleen, but they were able to get control of that eventually. She received several blood transfusions. She also has a "nick" in her liver, but the doctors said that will heal itself. She also has a broken pelvis, in several places, a broken shoulder, broken ribs and a gash on her head that needed staples. She has a place on her lower leg that looks like a shark bit her, and she will eventually have a skin graft on that. She is in a room now, and is talking a little more and doing better. It was very scary for a while, though. And she has a very long road to recovery. She will eventually be moved to a rehab center. She was thrown from the truck, and it is a miracle that she is alive. I find myself thanking God every day the he spared her life. I know she has a lot of work ahead of her to get better and back to being whole again, but I know she can dig down deep and find the strength to do it, and I am also praying daily for that. Please remember her and her mom, especially, my Aunt Margaret Ann in your prayers. She is always by her side, and is wearing herself out to be there. I guess I knew how dangerous cars were, but I am reminded of it now. Everyone drive safely, and don't let your cell phone or anything else be a distraction. It only takes a second for a terrible thing like this to happen.

Happy Easter 1977?

2010-04-05T17:39:00.003-04:00

AMAZING! And kind of scary for me because I can see that I am the spitting image of my mom, who is shown here when she would have been about 10 years younger than I am currently! I think this was probably in 1977, but I could be a year or two off either way. That would make me, the little one in the front in the sailor dress about 5 and my sister, Nikki, about 8 and my mom 27, give or take. Kristin in the front, the only blonde in the bunch, would have been 4, Kellee on the far left 7 (or almost) and Kim I guess 9 or 10. I think I remember this Easter Sunday, but most of them we spent with Kim, Kellee and Kristin so I could be just remembering them all! I do for sure remember loving to wear an Easter Hat! That was my favorite thing about Easter. Wonder why we don't do that much anymore? I stole this picture off my sister's Facebook page, thank you, Nikki. I thought everyone would get a kick out of it. I can definitely see Billie in me as a little girl, too. How fun. Good times, I was a very lucky little girl to grow up with all of my cousins around me. The five of us were always so close and always had the best times together. I hope you all had a great Easter weekend. I will try to post more Easter pics later in the week when I can.

Happy Easter!

2010-04-03T16:45:00.003-04:00

Happy Easter Eve, all! We took Billie this morning to the "The Egg Drop" at Powell High School. This first picture is from that. They dropped eggs out of a helicopter! It was so much fun. Billie got to jump in "bounce house" things and slides and we saw lots of friends there. There was a huge turn out, tons of people. ONE LIFE Church hosted it and they did a great job. Billie didn't win any special prizes, but she got to get lots of candy and see some friends so she was happy.

Billie and I went to the zoo yesterday, and the other pictures are from there. They had baby camels that just loved Billie. I am sure they were really hoping she would give them some snacks, but she thought they just loved her so that is all that matters. We spent a good while watching "George" the one year old Chimp. SO CUTE! Oh my goodness, I totally see why people have them as pets because they are so much like little human babies, but they grow up to be strong, scary Chimps. Billie had a wonderful time at the zoo, and so did I. Matt worked half a day and then golfed with a friend in the afternoon. He had a great time. His office has actually moved, they moved Monday to their new location and he over looks the golf course all day, making him want to be out there golfing instead of working! So he plans to take advantage of the close proximity and get a lot more golf in from now on. I am so happy he has the opportunity!

I am trying to study while Matt and Billie wash the cars. I am sure I got the better end of that deal! I hope everyone is enjoying the beautiful weather and you all have a wonderful Easter. I am in awe of the sacrifice made for my sins on the cross this weekend so long ago. I am so thankful Jesus washed away my sins so that I may have eternal life. Love to you all!

Jack and Jessie

2010-03-16T17:01:00.003-04:00

"Jack and Jessie"

Let me introduce you to Jack and Jessie, Billie's Fire belly toads she got for Christmas. She was so excited to have them. That was really all she wanted, or at least what she wanted the most. She comes in from school and the first thing she does is go to the aquarium and she always says "Hi, babies. Jack, Jessie? How are you? Did you have a good day? I love you! I missed you so much!" and in that ooey-gooey voice we use to talk to babies and puppies. It is the cutest thing in the world. I am going to let you in on a secret, but PLEASE don't tell Billie. It will crush her. Jack and Jessie bonded with each other right away. Billie caught them "snuggling" on more than one occasion. We were pretty surprised we hadn't had any tadpoles, actually. So Jack and Jessie were in love and Billie was in love with both of them, and it was a beautiful and wonderful thing. Then one night Matt was feeding them and he walked away just for a second to get a rag to wipe down the glass, leaving the lid open. I was standing right there, and I let Bob in and then closed the lid, never looking down. You know what is coming, right? The next morning at 5 am when Bob got up to eat, I found something in the floor right in front of the front door. I didn't have my glasses on, so I really didn't know what it was. I got some tissue, thinking to myself "Bob didn't even make it out the door!" and got down real real close to the dark blob on the floor. I got within inches of it before I realized what it was---JESSIE! I immediately picked her up and took her to the sink. Somehow I thought I could revive her with water. Thinking back now it is so funny, but at the time I was crying and shaking! I could just only think of how devastated my little Billie was going to be, I had to try to save her. But I quickly realized it was just too late for Jessie. I wrapped her in paper towels and laid her gently in the trash can. I could see later in the afternoon having a funeral for a frog. I tried to turn to studying, but could not keep focused so after about an hour I woke Matt up. He immediately knew something was wrong. He was as shocked and felt just as bad as I did. We decided not to tell Billie before school but to wait until that evening. After he went to work and talked to his friends there, we both decided we would just try to find a good Jessie 2 and sneak her into the aquarium. We both felt responsible; he shouldn't have left it open, and I should have checked the ground knowing it had been left open. We just didn't see why we should put her through the heartache, especially since she has lost so much in her short life. She really loves these frogs, and it would really be terrible on her. Matt went to the pet store after work and got the closest thing to Jessie he could find. Later that night when it was time to feed them, Billie got very upset and ran to get Matt. She said "Matt, I don't know if I just can't tell them apart anymore or what is going on but something is wrong. Jack is hiding in Jessie's spot and Jessie is out here in Jack's spot, and Jack won't eat! He is going to die if he doesn't eat!" She started crying. Jack would not eat for about 3 more days. It was terrifying for Matt and I. Here we were trying to spare her pain, and now for Jack to be in shock and not eating, it was awful. We really think Jack was in shock, after talking to the pet store. We think he was love sick for his Jessie. Looking back to the night she had jumped out, he was acting weird then and wouldn't eat. We couldn't find Jessie, but just thought she was hiding under the log. We figured Jack would eat later, and just didn't think that much about it. Poor thing, he was probably wondering what we had done with Jessie! He has since gotten better, although he is not his normal self and probably never will be. He and the new Jessie have finally decided to get along with each other, but you can tell they are not in love the way Jack and the first Jessie were. I know this all seems so silly, but if you could have witnessed it you would understand. We told Billie we thought he was in shock because we had moved the aquarium to her room from the living room. She bought that. I know I have just admitted to lying to my child. And I almost always think that honesty is the best policy, but I am OK with this decision. I still think we spared her the pain of the loss, and there just was no harm done. I hope when she is older and finds out the truth, she will understand and not hold it against us. I do feel guilty for not being honest with her, but I am still glad to have spared her this pain - she has just gone through so much and it isn't fair. This was my way of making up for some of that unfairness.

Update, Finally

2010-03-13T08:53:00.004-05:00

Good Saturday morning to everyone! It is a beautiful sunny day here in Knoxville, after a rather drab, rainy day yesterday. I have been on spring break this past week, but Billie was still in school and Matt still had to work, so I spent it mostly by myself. I worked pretty hard on the house, getting it back in some sense of order. My mom came over on Monday, bless her heart, and helped me totally clean out my kitchen and organize it. When Matt and I got married almost three years ago, we both had households set up. I had been in my condo for almost two years, and Matt had been in his town home about 7 years. We both had fully stocked kitchens. I tried downsizing and cleaning some stuff out before he moved in, especially in my closet, but when it came to the kitchen I had a hard time seeing what I could let loose of. So I basically moved his kitchen into my already full kitchen, and we have been suffering through that bad decision ever since. So my mom, being a much better organizer than I am, came over and helped me decide what we could part with and how to arrange it. The results were amazing and astounding. I still keep opening up cabinets and doors just to admire it! There are still two cabinets that we didn't get to, but I think I can tackle that today on my own. We both pick up coffee mugs on every vacation, so we have probably close to 50 coffee mugs, for two people. That is my next target. Any body in need of a mug from the beach? At least now when we go, we buy one mug and share it! I think we need to just break the habit of buying mugs, who needs that many mugs?
I also bought myself a new book and read it - the entire book - just for fun! It was an autobiography by Robert Wagner entitled "The Pieces of My Heart." I loved it. For those of you who don't know, I am a huge fan of Natalie Wood's, and he was married to her, twice. The whole book was about his life in Hollywood, and it was so interesting. He had spent a lot of time at Catalina and some of the other ports we got to sail to when we went out with Bob and Nancy a couple months after we had the boys, so I really enjoyed reading about that; I could actually picture it from my own experiences. That is actually where Natalie drowned to death, at the Isthmus in Catalina. That part of the book made me cry; I found myself thinking of ways to stop it in my head; pretty silly since I already knew exactly what happened in the end. But he loved her so much, and I know what that kind of loss is like so I just wanted to stop it somehow.
Thanks to my sweet father-in-law, Brian, I was motivated to update the blog and tell you about my speech. I had to give an informative speech for my Speech and Communications class. I chose conjoined twins for my topic and I shared my story with the class as well as facts and the stories of my wonderful friends that are conjoined twins, or were previously. The speech turned out great, and I am very proud of myself. I was able to get through my story without crying - although there were a few people in the audience crying and that made it a little harder. Everyone seemed to appreciate my story, and that of Kendra, Maliyah, Jade, Erin, Emma, Taylor, Melody and Madison. I was able to give them all the facts about conjoined twins and really educate them. I wish I had had that opportunity before I was pregnant with Joshua and Caleb, not that any of those students will ever face that or even know someone else that has conjoined twins. I just want to educate people, because so many still think of it as a circus act and that is so wrong. So this was my first opportunity, and I hope I have many more. I ended up with a 98% on the speech, and that was because I went over my time limit by 31 seconds. We all know how long winded I am! It is hard to stifle that. I had practiced and practiced until I got it down to about 6 minutes most of the time. But when I got up there and got started I got very nauseous and I thought I was going to be sick. I mean really nauseous; I had the cold chill bumps, but the hot skin and I felt dizzy. I had to decide if I was going to run to the bathroom or stay and go on. I knew if I ran out everyone would think I got scared, and that was not what was wrong with me. That thought process made me lose my place in my speech and it took me about 30 seconds to get back on track. Everyone said they didn't notice. I decided to stay and finish my speech, and that was a good choice. After about 2 minutes the nausea passed. I wondered if it really was nerves until later that day when I eventually got very sick with a stomach bug. I felt a little nervous getting up there, but not enough to get sick! Just really bad timing for me. It is a miracle I was able to push on and get it to pass, judging by how terribly sick I fell a couple hours later. I quickly said a prayer in my head asking God to not let me throw up in front of the class, thank God he answered my prayer!
So it is back to school for me Monday, and I will be so busy with papers, projects, presentations and exams. I was planning on trying to at least knock out my research and at least one paper while I was on spring break, and I did get started on the research, but the Robert Wagner book was just too good and I ended up relaxing on my break instead of working. I will get it done, though, I always do. It would have been nice and smart to get it done this week, but I can't turn back time so I am just going to push forward!
Billie had a presentation to do for her class on Cambodia, and she did such an amazing job. She has absolutely no fears about getting up and presenting, to anyone about anything. I am so proud of her. I helped her a little with what she needed to present, but she did the bulk of it herself. She had to have a costume that represented what the people in Cambodia wear, and she used one of my checkered scarfs to make a "krama," which is a head dress they use to protect their head from the sun while they are working out side, usually in a field. I had to teach her how to wrap it and tie it herself, since it would look a little silly if she wore it on the school bus. She was supposed to put it on when she put the rest of her costume on ,but she is so brilliant she had the idea at the last second to add to her presentation a "how-to" tie a krama. So she taught the whole class how to put it on. She said they all seemed to really enjoy that. She also told about a dessert they eat in Cambodia and she had a poster and a paper she had written. She got 100% on the project! They had a cultural fair later in the week one evening, and she was going to actually make the dessert to give out, but she got sick that day and called to come home. Billie doesn't fake being sick, and she would not have wanted to miss that for anything so I knew she was really sick and I took her to see Dr. Greg later that day. She ended up having a sinus infection and an ear infection. Bless her heart, her head hurt her so bad. She went on a round of antibiotics, and is feeling much much better. So much better, we actually took her skiing last Sunday. She had a great time, and we were so glad we got to go one more time before they close for the season. Grandma Rosecrance went with us, too. We went to Sugar, and Matt had been telling Billie all week that they have snow made of sugar on Sugar Mountain. She is not one to believe stuff like that, so she kept saying "No they don't, Matt. They just call it that because the snow is white." That morning when we were getting ready, Matt got some sugar in a little sandwich bag and stuck it in his pocket. When Billie was trying to get her skis on, he poured it out behind her back and then had her turn around and taste the snow. She was amazed that it tasted like sugar! So cute. She doesn't believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, or the tooth fairy and hasn't since she was 5; she is just too practical and mature for that stuff, so it was nice to see that childhood magic in her.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

First Ski Trip

2010-02-11T15:14:00.003-05:00

I think I mentioned we went skiing for our first time (mine and Billie's)a few weeks ago. We went with Brian, Cathy, Susan and her kids (Matt's cousin from Michigan) and Amy (Matt's cousin from Arizona!). It was Amy, Billie and my first time to ski ever. I was so NERVOUS! I just knew I would break a leg or get some horrible head injury. In fact, as we were driving up the driveway to the slopes I got so sick to my stomach, and I was thinking to myself "I have avoided skiing like the plague for 37 years, what am I doing here?! I am going to end up killing myself out here, this is nuts!" OK, so I am a drama queen! Now you all know where Billie gets it. But I kept my mouth shut because Matt loves it so much and I know he wanted me and Billie both to at least try it. The last picture here is of Billie, Amy and myself as we were getting our gear on--before we went skiing. We all three did great! It was so much fun! We all fell a few times at first, but after about an hour we were all able to make our way down the mountain. It was great. We took a lunch break at around 3 or 4 and then went right back out. I did fall later that evening off the chair lift, like the big clumsy person I am, and the chair lift hit me in the back of the head! It hurt so bad, I immediately got a splitting headache. But I had a helmet on, as did Billie-who I had pushed down by accident when I fell. I am so graceful. It is so funny now! But I was so embarrassed and my head hurt so bad. I admit, I threw a little fit. Luckily my family loves me enough to put up with me! Well, we did a few more runs and about 7 pm I couldn't stand the helmet on my aching head anymore so I gave up and went in, and Brian, Cathie and Amy came in with me. Billie and Matt stayed out on the slopes and we had to drag her off at 9:30 that night! She had been skiing for almost 11 hours straight at that point, and we were afraid she was so tired she would end up hurting herself. We only got her to agree to come in by promising we could go again the next day. We were at Winter Place in West Virginia, and we had hotel reservations for the night. I forgot to mention that it snowed all day--there was several inches of snow on the car when we got back to it that night. We all went out to dinner and then went straight to bed, we were all exhausted. The next morning we were all sore and tired and none of us really wanted to ski again, and my head was still throbbing so bad. Billie slept really late, she actually fell sleep in my lap at the restaurant. When she woke up the first thing she said was "What is wrong with my body?" Bless her heart, she was sore! She made the decision herself not to go skiing that day because she was so sore and tired. So since there was a pool at the hotel, we let all the kids ski for a few hours while the grownups watched and visited together. We drove home later that day and got home late in the evening. It was great, though. We promised Billie we would take her again soon-for sure one more time this season.
The first picture here is a picture I took the other day of Billie playing in the snow. I thought it turned out so cute I would share it with you. The blue hat made her eyes look so blue! They are usually more green looking, but not when she wears blue!

Billie's Slumber Party

2010-01-27T14:42:00.004-05:00

Billie's slumber party was a success! She had so much fun. We had pizza for dinner, and the girls all got to decorate their own cupcakes (we gave them two but they were only allowed to eat one and then take the other home with them.) They also decorated canvas totes--too cute! I didn't get a picture of that because I was the only one here with them at that time, because Matt had gone out to get the pizza--and it was all I could do to organize and keep everything running smoothly by myself. I am definitely used to having only one very self sufficient daughter; nine of them just about broke me! HEHE! It was so much fun. I got to also learn so much about her friends, and that was huge and enlightening for me. They were all so good and so patient, too. It really was a great night. We rented the movie "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" and they all watched it and then turned in for the night at around 11:15. We don't have the biggest house, so finding places for 9 little girls to sleep was somewhat of a challenge, but we managed. I moved our dining room table out and put down air mattresses for four of them in the "dining room." Then we put two of them on a pallet in Billies room and two more in the bunk beds. I hated to split them up, but I think they probably got more sleep with it being only 4 in each room instead of 8 (one girl didn't spend the night.) They woke up around 7.30, which I thought was very late for a slumber party, but what do I know? We had a big breakfast of eggs, sausage, biscuits and even munchkin donuts that Matt picked up for the girls. They played fun games that morning and then the parents started picking them up around 10. I can't believe she is old enough for a slumber party. She really enjoyed herself and I was so happy we could do that for her. She has been asking for one since Kindergarten but I have made her wait until she was old enough. I am so glad we did it. Next time I might make it a little smaller, just because it is hard to have that many in our small house, but it really worked out fine. No one fussed or complained about a single thing. They were all jut happy to be together. There were two little girls that "don't like each other" according to Billie, but even they were fine together. I have no complaints about the entire night. Except I was so TIRED the next day! Of course I wanted it all to be perfect so I had cleaned the house (because 9 year olds would probably notice, right?) and worked on "goodie bags" and the craft and cupcakes and all that stuff. But I am glad I did so much ahead of time, because it really helped the evening go smoothly.

Now to study. I have a big next few weeks at school; One paper, three exams and a speech coming up, too. It will all hit pretty close together so I am trying to get a jump start on it. The speech is informative, and of course I picked conjoined twins for my topic. I find myself thinking about that more than anything, and planning visual aides and even a sound bite or two. I am excited about creating awareness in such a young crowd. I had no idea that conjoined twins even happened before Joshua and Caleb. Of course I had heard of them at some point in my life, but I guess it is like anything else--something that happens very seldom and not to me or anyone I know. I like that I have the opportunity to share my experience and knowledge with people. Of course, I always love the opportunity to share Joshua and Caleb with any one that will listen! Wish me luck, I am nervous about keeping my emotions in check. But I really think I can, as long as I stick to the facts and not delve too much into the personal/emotional aspect of the story. Practice makes perfect, too, so I know if I say it again and again that will help me push past any emotions that are brought up. Have a good week everyone!

Flashback Friday--Happy Birthday Billie!

2010-01-22T09:08:00.003-05:00

Billie 7 years old

Billie 7 months old--her first "finger food"- crackers. Nalla LOVED it!

Billie and Nalla, almost 5 years old.

Billie Easter - 5 Years old

Billie and her Daddy, 9 months old.

Billie is 9 years old! I can not believe it! Sorry I do not have any newborn pics of her on my computer, that was before I had a digital camera! We had a great birthday party Wednesday night at our house with her grandparents. I told her to pic her favorite meal and she chose Vegetable soup and corn bread! Now let me paint the picture for you from four years ago: Billie was 5 and we had Greg and Kellee and the girls over for dinner at our new condo. I had made a huge pot of vegetable soup and we all sat down at the dinner table to eat. Billie got big tears in her eyes as she looked at her bowl in front of her. She refused to even taste it. "It has tomatoes in it!" she screamed, as big huge tears streamed down her face. I told her to just try it and if she didn't like it she didn't have to eat it. She still refused and I sent her to bed, screaming the entire way. About ten minutes later, she could still be heard in hysterics from her room, so I went in there to try to calm her down. Nothing doing. She had set her mind that she was not going to eat the soup. I left her in there to calm down. Greg and Kellee and the girls finished and we visited a little while and then they left to go home. I brought Billie back out to the table, heated her bowl of soup up and we tried again. She was still absolutely beside herself upset. I told her it was good with cheese and crackers in it, and asked if she wanted to try it that way. She did not. We fought about it back and forth for another hour probably and I finally told her I had had enough and she would eat the soup and say "Yum! Yum!" after every bite. So she finally dug in, and with her face soaked with tears and red from the trauma of the night, she began to giggle. She cried and giggled and kept taking bites of the soup. She said she was giggling because it tasted good. She was so surprised that it tasted good, and she had been so afraid to try it. She was sad because she had wasted a night of playing with Courtney and Mackenzie, but she was so happy that the soup didn't kill her. Bless her heart. She is so strong willed. But I knew if she would only try it, that she would like it. I usually know exactly what she will and won't like, and I am usually right. She now trusts me most of the time and tries stuff when I tell her she will like it. She did finish that bowl of soup and after each bite she said "Yum! Yum!" and we both cried and giggled as she did it. We laugh about that story now. It was a very traumatic night for both of us. I probably was too hard on her and should have just let her go hungry, but I guess I am strong willed, too! I was so surprised when she chose vegetable soup for her birthday dinner. I offered to make absolutely anything she wanted, but that is what she wanted! So amazing, my little girl. I am so glad that traumatic night turned into something so positive. I definitely had guilt over that one for a while, bless her heart.

Tonight she is celebrating with her friends. We are having our first slumber party. Nine 9-yr-old girls in our tiny little condo! It should be interesting. I am a little nervous. I really didn't plan on having that many girls. Yes, we did invite 8 girls. But I asked all of my friends who have done this sort of thing before and they all said only about half come! Imagine my surprise when all 8 we invited RSVP'd! But Billie is so excited and it should be a wonderful experience for us all. Matt thinks I was nuts for inviting that many, but we are just going to pile them up in sleeping bags on the floor and everyone will be cozy and comfy! Besides, I learned a valuable lesson: Only invite the number your house can hold! Live and learn, right? I will let you know how it goes! Happy Birthday Billie, my sweet precious little girl!

Disney

2010-01-15T09:29:00.005-05:00

I know, I have failed you the last couple weeks! I am so sorry. But Let me just tell you, we totally enjoyed every last second of our break. We were going non-stop, and somehow I managed to work, too. So this will update you about our Disney trip, and I will try to give you more details about the rest of our break and Christmas and New Year's, too, later over the coming days/weeks.

So, Billie and I went to Disney with Bill, Wanda, Angelique, Wes, Riley, Mallory, and all of the "Thomas family"(Wes's brothers, their wives and children and even some in-laws, too!) We had the most wonderful time, although we did miss Matt. We had 5 days at the parks, and we pretty much went from dusk till dawn, or dawn till midnight! Billie also formed a sweet relationship with our housekeeper at the hotel. Billie put Cody( her stuffed dog she sleeps with) and some other toys in the window to "decorate" for Christmas, as she had seen in some other windows in the resort. Our housekeeper later that day moved them and put them on the bed to play. Very cute. Billie loved it and wrote her a thank you note then next morning. That day when we got back, Cody and her other dolls were on the bed watching TV with the remote, along with a note back from Raquel. Billie was more than thrilled! So this went on each day, notes back and forth, too. On the last day we got to meet Raquel, as we were at the resort late that day since I had a dead battery in my car and AAA did not know how to get around Disney and could not find us! So Billie and Raquel talked and hugged and it was so sweet. Raquel said every day when she got to our room she had to think about what she would do with Billie's stuff! She enjoyed it, too. SO that night when we got back to our room, the lights were off, which was odd. I could see that there was "stuff" scattered about, but I didn't know exactly what. We turned the light on to find our room had been "rolled" or "TP'd" if you are from the north. The source was Cody, and there was a note from Raquel that said "Cody is so strong! He stole the toilet paper and pushed me out of the room! I will clean it up tomorrow!" I think Billie had almost as much fun with the interaction between her and Raquel as she did at Disney!

The week was perfect. We did all of the parks. Our favorite was Epcot and Animal Kingdom this time. Mt. Everest was AWESOME! That was our first time riding it, and we absolutely loved it. Billie also loved Soaring at Epcot, and the Kim Possible Mission that we all got to do. It was really fun. We had fun meals, too. We got to have breakfast and dinner with the Princess's. We had breakfast at the castle and dinner at the Floridian. The dinner included Lady Tremaine and the step sisters, Cinderella and Prince Charming. It was great! Lady Tremaine was hilarious! She was such a snot, and stayed in character even with the little kids. I think you can kind of see it from the picture of her. Riley got to dance with Cinderella and Emory with Prince Charming. We also went to the O'Hara for a Polynesian themed dinner. The food was amazing. My favorite food was probably at the Lady and the Tramp themed restaurant. It was so good. I had mushroom stuffed ravioli with spinach and Alfredo sauce. I think I could eat that every day! Good thing it isn't available, huh?

I am back in school, as is Billie. And I need to get to class, so I am going to upload some pics from Disney for you and will give you more details later. Love to all and Happy New Year!!

Flashback Friday

2009-12-11T09:21:00.004-05:00

YEAH! It's Flashback Friday! This is the first day of school this year, Third grade! I know I promised pictures way back when, and then totally let you down, so here you go! Isn't she adorable? I know, I am biased, but COME ON--she is CUTE! She was so excited to wear a tie to school. It ended up getting on her nerves and she took it off by the end of the day. Third grade has been awesome so far, although there is a lot more drama this year. Girls are just drama-filled beings by nature, I guess, and it is amazing the change that occurred over the summer. Billie doesn't really instigate any of it, and it usually doesn't even involve her, she just gets caught up trying to make everyone happy and get along--smoothing things over between everyone. And a lot of the kids are "dating", as they call it. When we were kids it was "We are going together." I remember my mom asking me "Really? Where are you going?" I would get so mad! We don't allow Billie to have boyfriends or "date." And she says she doesn't want to. There is a boy she has a crush on, though. I don't think there is any way to stop that, or I would try! HEHE! It is so scary to be a parent of a girl, but she is such a good girl so that makes it easier. I just pray for her daily, and I pray for her future husband, too. I want the moon for her. The most important thing to me is her salvation, and I always ask God to help me lead her to Him. I want to teach her to lean on the Lord for everything. Unfortunately I have passed on to her my worrying nature. I hate that I have done that, it is one of my worst habits and I hate to plague her with that. But she is so sweet and loving, and she does love the Lord. She says the sweetest most heart felt prayers. It really touches my heart. She thinks of things so uniquely, so different than I do. She is so amazing, God is so good and has blessed me with a wonderful daughter. Have a great weekend all!!

Snow Day!

2009-12-08T11:27:00.004-05:00

We got a snow day Saturday, it was so much fun! The snow was gone by 3 in the afternoon, except for our snowman, which is actually still on the front lawn, but only the very bottom section. He actually toppled over as soon as we came in to the house to get dried off and have some hot cocoa. Billie woke up at 6 AM to tell us it had snowed! We got up and started stringing popcorn and making Christmas ornaments for our tree. It snowed all morning long, and we finally went out to play at about 9 AM. We were out for about an hour, until we were sufficiently soaked and cold to the bone! It was a wonderful way to spend my birthday, though. That is the first time since I was a kid in Michigan that I have had snow for my birthday! You know you are in East Tennessee when building a snowman uses up all of your snow in your yard! I can't wait for more snow, they are teasing us with a small threat of snow this Saturday, so we will keep our fingers crossed! I have a final exam today, two tomorrow and one on Thursday. But on Friday I will post some pictures of our home-made tree decorations. We have had so much fun doing this tree this year, Billie keeps saying it is her best Christmas ever! We were forced to make decorations since ours are loaded up in the attic behind mounds of stuff and we can not get to them at all. I guess if we wanted to unload the attic, get the Christmas stuff out, then load the attic back we could, but that would take one whole day to do and I have no desire to spend a day doing that. We are still trying to sell the condo, so we are trying to keep it minimally decorated and make it look more spacious, thus all the stuff up in our attic. More later in the week!

Count Down to Disney

2009-12-02T08:14:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! We sure did. It was a wonderful 4 days off from work and school and we spent it with wonderful family and GREAT food! SO fun. Now Billie and I are counting down to DISNEY! We are so excited. We go in 15 DAYS! Whoohoo! Which also means I have to get ready for Christmas before then. Scary! But we are well on our way. Since we are doing Disney, we are cutting back on gifts so that helps. Billie is very specific in what she wants for Christmas, which also helps. She wants a frog, a real live, pet frog. She is all frogs all the time these days. We even got her a frog ornament for the tree for her ornament this year. I need to somehow put the year on it, so we will always remember the year she was obsessed with frogs. We still have our house on the market, but no luck selling yet. Since we were trying to make it look less like we were busting out at the seams and more roomy, we packed a lot of stuff up and put it in the attic, in front of all our Christmas decorations. I guess we were hopeful we would sell before Christmas. So we got a real tree, borrowed lights from Wanda and Billie and I are making handmade decorations for it. Any ideas you have for easy and fun ornaments will be greatly appreciated! I miss my ornaments and other pretty decorations, but I am OK with it. It will just make it more special next year when we finally get to use them again. I love decorating for Christmas, it is my favorite part about Christmas, and it is fun to try something new and do something different.

Billie is very busy with singing performances both with the school chorus and with church choir. She sang Sunday night for "Hanging of the Green." We are so blessed to have Bob Robinson at Central, the music is always outstanding and he lived up to his reputation Sunday night. I was so filled with the awe of what God did for us through the music and voices that Bob directed that night. It is always amazing to see the church lit up in candles and twinkling Christmas lights, poinsettias, greenery, ribbons and bows, but the real enjoyment is from the music. The hand bells were fantastic, the orchestra and the voices, too. Of course, Billie did a wonderful job. She always sings out and knows every word. She is blessed with a beautiful voice and a has a true gift. She loves to shine on stage, too! I am always so proud of her. She has a Christmas program at church next week, 3 different performances for the school chorus, and a piano recital all coming up! It will a busy two weeks, but fun for us all.

I have been filled with thoughts of what Mary must have felt like, so pregnant with her first child. Probably nervous of the impending birth, and then travelling so far and away from her mother who would have naturally helped her with the birth of her first child. I can't help but think of how terrifying that must have been. And how uncomfortable! Can you imagine being so close to your due date and having to walk and ride on a donkey for many miles, only to find yourself giving birth in a dark stable among the animals? Of course she didn't know at the time the pain and suffering her baby boy would endure to save our souls. I also think of what Jesus would have been like as a baby. It is so hard to imagine! I think of him as so perfect, but as a baby the only way he could communicate would have been to cry, so he had to cry sometimes. He had needs that had to be met, and Mary couldn't have read his mind. But I bet it was a sweet cry! You know, that quiet little precious sound babies make before they get really upset and really mad and really scream? I love to think about Jesus as a baby. I love what he did for me, but it makes me sad at the same time that he had to suffer at my expense, so I love to think of him as a baby - happy and perfect. Years away from the amazing sacrifice. I love to think of Mary then, too, before she knew what would happen to her precious first born. When she thought he would be a king and save her people, which is what he was and what he did, but in such a different way than she must have expected. I also wonder if she was shocked after having such a perfect baby by her other children's behavior and temperaments! I bet they seemed like a real challenge in comparison.

OK, that is my long winded rant for the day! It is fun to get those random thoughts out of my mind. Happy Wednesday to you all!

Michigan Update

2009-11-21T10:03:00.003-05:00

So this is Matt and Brian this morning in Ann Arbor at 9 a.m. Matt said they stopped about 30minutes outside of Ann Arbor last night and got a hotel, barely because most were all filled up with Ohio State fans, and they got to the exit at 6.30 this morning and waited in traffic, yes traffic, to get into the parking area. They pulled in their spot at 8 o'clock this morning to set up for tailgating. They are cooking a fine breakfast of coffee, steak and eggs. I haven't heard back from them since this picture was made because they were busy trying to get their breakfast in before they headed to the stadium. The game starts at noon on ABC, Billie and I will be watching for the men in bowl hats! Everyone have a great Saturday. GO BLUE!

Flashback Friday

2009-11-20T08:54:00.002-05:00

The BIGHOUSE 2007, Michigan against Ohio State. Matt, for those of you who do not know, is a HUGE Michigan fan. I got him tickets for that game for Christmas the year before, and we went together. He had never been to the Bighouse before, and it was a fantastic time. Ohio State won that game, and it was cold and rainy, but we still had a blast. Flashforward to today--Matt and his dad leave today at 4pm to drive up to Michigan to see the Michigan-Ohio State game tomorrow at noon at THE BIGHOUSE! He is so excited! He has been packing since Monday--no joke. He also made bowl-bound hats for them to wear, I will post a pic later, sorry I forgot to take one. He took big bowls, painted them yellow, put a big "M" on them and we velcro'd them to his hat! If Michigan wins the game tomorrow they will be eligible to play in a bowl, so that is the reason for the bowls. Funny, huh? It is fun to see him so excited about the game, and I am so glad that he gets to go with his dad. They are going to have a blast. He even is planning to tailgate, at 7 am! He is making steak and eggs for them for breakfast. I know for sure they will be exhausted when they finally arrive home Sunday night. Pray for good weather and safe travels! I will update tomorrow!

Buddy's Race 2009

2009-11-17T10:04:00.004-05:00

My first 5K

Sunday was the Buddy's Race against Cancer and we have a team every year in memory of Michael, we call it the Bassmaster's. This year I trained for it and ran it with Matt. How amazing that was! I ran with my wonderful husband for my first race ever, in memory of my other wonderful husband. God is good. He has blessed me with two amazing men to love. Matt probably could have won the race, he is very fast. But he stayed back with me at my snail's pace and we finished in 32 minutes. It was a hard race, I thought, with lots of steep, long hills! But I never stopped, I kept going to the finish. (I could be quoted as saying "Crap! Another Hill." as I was coming down one and heading up the last hill of the race, though.) I was so surprised when I got to the end and Angelique, Riley, Jennifer, Billie, and the rest of the bunch were all there cheering for us! It absolutely made me feel like the most special person at the race! I just assumed everyone would be out walking, but there they were as we came around the last corner. I was so surprised. Second time that day I cried. The first was at the very start of the race, when we had a moment of silence before we began to honor those with cancer and remember those lost to cancer. Matt held my hand and we bowed our heads and I said a prayer to God and also asked Michael to be with me and help me to finish. So I had both of them there with me at the same second, it felt like. And almost like he could read my thoughts, Matt squeezed my hand right as I was telling Michael thank you. I started the day out so nervous! Once we got started, I calmed down. I am fighting a chest cold/ sore throat illness, but I didn't let that stop me! I did take yesterday off, however. I plan to go for a run today, though. I think Matt and I might run another race in December. It's the Jingle Bell Run for Arthritis. We get to wear jingle bells! Not sure how that won't annoy me, but we will see! This race is in the morning, and I do so much better in the morning. The Buddy's race was at 3pm, the worst time of the day for me. Isn't that nap time? If only I had time to nap every day, that would be a perfect world! So, it was a wonderful day. I finished my first race. I ran with my loving husband for my other loving husband. Doesn't get much better than that. I still get down sometimes, but God is ever faithful to give me days like that as reminders that He is still with me, He has not forgotten me.

One side note for prayers: Billie has a staph infection in her throat. She is really feeling terrible and is not showing any signs of recovering yet. Please pray the antibiotics will kick in and stop this nasty infection, soon!

Flashback Friday

2009-11-13T11:05:00.003-05:00

Billie and Courtney and the famous "Hollywood Face"

How cute is this?! Billie was almost 5 here. She had decided that people in Hollywood, when they posed for pictures, used this expression and we all started calling it the "Hollywood Face." She went through a period of time that she would pose like this constantly. We all just thought it was the funniest thing. That year for New Year's, we all went to Disney, and outside of MGM Studios, we all stood there with our Hollywood faces on. It was dark, and there were like 13+ of us, so you really can't tell we were all doing it. But this one was perfect, so I am sharing it for "Flashback Friday!" How fun, I love this idea! Thanks again, Vanessa. Now, let's see what I can come up with for next week...

So Proud of Billie

2009-11-09T08:54:00.002-05:00

Billie played her heart out this weekend in Morristown. She just shined out on the field. She played full back and really stopped the other team. She was so aggressive and you could see with every play she made, her confidence just grew. By the third game, she was on fire. She did exactly what she was supposed to do, and she stopped them every time. They only won their last game, and placed 7th overall. I have no idea how many places there were, but she was just tickled that they won a game! They haven't had the best season, I think I mentioned it before. But she has learned so much this season. This was her first season as a U10 player, and she had to go up to a bigger field as well as learn off-sides and play with a goal-keeper. Her skills really have improved this season along with her confidence and level of aggressive playing. She may not be the quickest, but she has figured out how to wait for the other team to get to her, and then cut them off and apply pressure so she can get the ball. It is so wonderful to see, and so fun to watch her energy and enthusiasm. I am so proud of her. It was a very fun weekend, and i am sad it is over and we have to attack the week once again. I have a little case of the Monday blues, but I will work through it this morning and turn it into a wonderful week. Hope you all have a great week, too!

Flashback Friday

2009-11-06T09:58:00.004-05:00

Two blogs in one day--now that is a record for me! So these pictures are from the Buddy's Race Against Cancer last year. I know I have shared this with everyone, but for those who don't know I will explain. We always have a team in memory of Michael called the Bassmasters. We go and spend the day at the World's Fair Park and walk and eat Buddy's BBQ and the kids get to play in the pump it up moonwalk things and get their faces painted. It is always such a really good time, and we get to remember Michael and honor his memory, too. I always end up getting a migraine by the end of the day, only because I put too much pressure on myself. It is to me the day where my two worlds collide, if that makes any sense at all. While I love it, it is a reminder to me of being left behind when Michael passed away, and it brings up the guilt that I have lingering somewhere deep inside me that I have moved on with my life without him. I had no intentions of ever getting married again. God had a much different plan for my life than I did. I am so glad he did, because I am so happy now and Billie and I have such a wonderful life with Matt, not to mention I wouldn't have my beautiful Joshua and Caleb! God is so good. Michael made it a point of telling me he wanted me to marry again; that it was OK with him if I married while Billie was still little. (He said "as long as it isn't like 6 months later. You have to miss me and be miserable without me for at least a year!" He was very funny, and he meant it to be funny not knowing that I would really be in a deep state of mourning for a year solid.) So I know it was OK, and God has blessed me with two wonderful husbands, but you never stop loving and when I feel that loss it always is with a twinge of guilt. I know Michael would not want me to feel that, and I don't usually feel that, but never the less it is there on occasion. So at the Buddy's Race it is always in the back of my mind, and it causes my head to hurt! This year will be a little different because Matt and I are RUNNING the race! I am so excited, and scared. It is my first race. I do not plan on winning, only finishing. I am still very slow, so there is no chance of me winning. But I have been running regularly 4 miles a day 5 days a week, on average, and I am ready for the race. I did slip on a leaf during my run yesterday and I pulled a muscle in my leg--but I know it will be OK by next Sunday for the race, it has to be. That would just be a cruel joke to get this close and a leaf be the end of it! I am going to baby it for the next couple days and pray for quick healing. Back to my explanation of the Buddy's Race Against Cancer; it is a local race and all the money goes locally to fight all kinds of cancer. They even have a special fund in Michael's name that they use to educate the rural areas on colon cancer prevention. All of my close friends and family come together, both sides of my family (Williams and Rosecrance) so it is truly very special, and I know Billie will one day look back and see how wonderfully awesome her family is and how totally supportive they all are to honoring the memory of her daddy. So the race is Sunday, November 15 and I have been thinking a lot about it so I thought my first "Flash Back" should be a few pics from past races and what it is to our family. Have a great weekend all!

The Rain Forest

2009-11-06T08:43:00.004-05:00

Billie had another project for school. The assignment was for a diorama of an ecosystem. She chose a rain forest because she loves frogs and she knew she would be able to include frogs in it. She had to make all of the animals, and she chose to use pipe cleaners to make a Macaw, frog, lots of snakes, a monkey and a sloth. She used felt to cover the top like a night sky, and to make mountains in the back ground. She had the brilliant idea (I know, my kid so I am biased) of putting the river coming down from the mountains and making it smaller at the top and larger at the bottom so it would look like it was flowing. It turned out great, and I hope she gets a good grade. I think she will. She really enjoyed the whole process, too.

She has started taking her multiplication tests, too. So far she has passed them all, through 2. It will get hard now, so cross your fingers for us. She is so smart, though, I know she will fly through them! It is a lot of work every night, though. She has spelling words to learn; she takes a test every Friday on 20 words. She has multiplication tests every Monday and Thursday, and she has to read for a minimum of 15 minutes every night. Luckily, soccer is almost over so we will start having more time in the evenings. Thanks to Grandma and Grandpa who really help her study every Tuesday and Thursday!

Billie has a soccer tournament this weekend in Morristown. Last year didn't go too good, so I hope they are more successful this year. No matter, we have fun going and it is a nice end to the soccer season, regardless. I love the families of our soccer team, and it is so nice to spend time with them. Who knows where we will be next season, if our house sells we will be on the other side of town so this might be her last season with this team. That makes us all a little sad, of course, but I also know where one door closes, another one opens. It will be an exciting adventure to meet new friends!

I have a BIG exam today in biochemistry. It is on metabolism, and it is all so detailed and easy for me to confuse. I will let you know how it goes. I am very scared for this one. I am doing very well in the class so far, so I really don't want to let my grade drop. I have studied so hard, though, so I should do fine. It always scares me to go into an exam without the confidence to back me up. I will take your prayers at 1:20 today that I don't have anxiety and I do my best!

Have a great Friday and a great weekend!

Conjoined Pumpkins

2009-11-02T21:50:00.002-05:00

Can you believe these adorable pumpkins? I didn't find them, Chandler's mom, Kathleen, found them and gave them to us. I just love them. I wish there was some way I could save them forever. It is amazing. I am not sure if you can tell from the picture or not, but it really is two pumpkins, conjoined in the middle, and they share one stem. It makes me think of the boys, how they were conjoined in the middle and shared one umbilical cord. I used to ask all the time, "I know I have heard of two headed turtles, but do you think other animals and plants are conjoined, too?" And now I know they are! It was just a sweet thing that made me feel close to my boys. Maybe they don't call them conjoined, they probably call them "mutated" or something equally awful. I don't care what they call them. To me they are conjoined pumpkins and they made me remember my beautiful twins, that's all that matters to me. I decided if they were dressing up in heaven, which I know is a long shot, that they are probably the biblical Joshua and Caleb. Can you just see them, sweet little 1 year old toddlers in "Jesus Sandals" and toga-like clothes? Too cute, I thought. I realize I sound crazy, heaven is full of people worshipping Jesus and they do not have thoughts of earthly celebrations, especially a pagan holiday like Halloween, but it was fun to imagine.

We had a great Halloween, and I will post pictures and blog about it later when I have more time. I have tons of school stuff over the next two weeks, but I will try to do short blogs like this one as I go so that I at least get something here. I am also planning on stealing my friend Vanessa's idea of "Flash back Fridays" and I just haven't gotten it together to start it. I thought by posting shorter blogs I maybe can get them on here more regularly. SO ...this was my random blog for today--conjoined pumpkins. Are you glad you checked it out?