Refuge

I have been so productive today, I am actually writing tomorrow’s blog – drumroll- tonight! Y’all that is a record for me! My house is clean, my kids are happy; everyone got to where they needed to get to today, and made it back home.  I worked on my business (I am a new Young Living Essential Oil Distributor so I had some meetings and delivered some oils.) I even got our team registered for the Buddy’s Race Against Cancer to celebrate and remember my late husband, Michael (thank you to his daddy for lighting that fire!) If you want to join us for the race on November 9, you can join our team by registering here Buddy's Race You all know what is coming, right? I am going to be all inspired, disciplined, and productive for a few days, weeks, maybe even months. Then, something big will happen, hopefully this big thing will be positive like I will win the lottery (I know, you have to play to win, but maybe I will start.) The something big will get me all off kilter, and I will cease from being productive.  It will take another 31-day challenge to get me back on track. But I am learning skills during this challenge to carry me through another hiatus. I am learning how to be productive and stay productive. God is working in me.

I will let you in on a little secret, actually a couple little secrets.  First, I wrote that first paragraph last night and then went to bed, leaving this to be finished in the morning. Second, I woke up at 2:30 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. Third, I have a little anxiety and feelings I have been trying to ignore for a few days. Anyone who has been through traumatic things has these feelings.  Here’s the deal and the real secret- the year leading up to Michael’s sickness I was plagued with worry. I thought it was because Billie was going to be sick or something, I really wasn’t sure, but I had these anxiety-ridden, sleepless nights. I would sneak into her room and sit in the floor by her crib and pray over her. After Michael got sick I decided that his cancer was the big “thing” that was haunting me. Maybe it was the cancer itself that I could sort of feel, or maybe it was God giving me an intuition, or maybe I am completely crazy and was simply battling anxiety or depression. I think it was God giving me a warning, maybe I believe that because that is comforting, but I have had these sort of feelings since then and tried to ignore them. At the time I have these feelings, I am never really sure about what or why I am having them, so it is easy to just dismiss them. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20.

Another time I have struggled with similar feelings was with my pregnancy with the boys. I know, every pregnant woman has worries, fears, anxiety, trouble sleeping, but hear me out. I knew from the get go that I was having a boy, because I had a feeling, not because I had an ultrasound because I didn’t. We declined the 12-week test because it was only to check for birth defects so that we could terminate if we chose to and since we were not going to terminate for any reason, we declined this test. We had no reason to think there would be anything wrong, and the baby had a good heartbeat so my doctor agreed it was unnecessary. When I got a couple weeks further along and could feel the baby move, I started having these thoughts. I felt the baby move much earlier than I did with Billie, but I figured that was because I knew what to look for this time around. I remember asking my doctor a few times “How big should the baby be now?” He would usually compare it to a fruit or vegetable “about the size of an avocado, cucumber, eggplant,” depending on how many weeks along I was. I would then ask, “Are you sure there maybe isn’t two? Because when it kicks, I feel it way over here (pointing to one side), and then immediately I sometimes feel another kick way over here (pointing to the opposite side), and I don’t feel it jump over there.  I mean, can it reach with its hand this way and its foot the opposite way at the same time like that?” His answer every time, God bless him, was “One heartbeat, one heart, one baby.  There can’t be twins with one heart.” Except for when there is. I wonder if he also remembers those conversations with me? The day of my big ultrasound he was out, so I didn’t see him that day. I never saw him again since the practice referred me to a perinatologist, naturally. As soon as I found out I was having conjoined twins, within minutes, those conversations with him came back to my mind and have haunted me ever since. Not that they would have changed anything, and I think it was another way God was protecting the boys and me. What would I have done if I had known the boys were conjoined at 12 weeks? They pushed me to terminate at 20 weeks on up to 27 weeks, so I imagine they would have pushed me even harder at 12 weeks. I may have felt that was the best choice at 12 weeks. It may have been easier to decide to terminate with such a grave prognosis coupled with the fact that I hadn’t felt them kick yet. I have always felt that deep down I knew I was having twin boys from the beginning, but I just didn’t trust my instincts enough. I didn’t tell anyone else except for my closest confidants that I thought maybe it could be twins. I didn’t want to be wrong, and I was embarrassed for even thinking it. So dumb.

I could go on with more examples, like the conversation I had with my perinatologist at 23 weeks along during my pregnancy with Harper, a week before I had Harper, asking him if he thought I could have accreta (FYI I did, and he said there was almost no way and there were no symptoms and I wonder if he remembers that conversation, too.) Basically what I am getting at is that these are feelings that you want to ignore because you want to be wrong. I have been wrong, too, I will add that. Having been wrong in the past makes it easier to dismiss similar feelings. These feelings that are waking me up in the middle of the night are not clear, and could honestly just be my crazy, traumatized brain worrying unnecessarily. I am praying for peace, discernment, and protection. I will not let this take over my life, or keep me from my goals. I have mentioned before how when I am worried about something I allow it to take over my mind and my life. Not this time. I know that the enemy wants to rob me of my joy and wants my attention. I will not let that happen.  I am in a good place right now with my walk. I am in the Word, my prayer life is strong, and I am feeling more confident than ever with my relationship with Christ. I will hold fast to that and give my worries to the Lord.

Confession is good for the soul. Just writing these words this morning took the power away from them and has given me such peace. I am going to lie down and try to go back to sleep. Harper has been fussing some tonight, and she had a low-grade fever before bed last night. I am thinking her ears maybe be infected again so I will let you pray for her if you feel so inclined.  Thank you for loving me and supporting me. God is so good, all of the time. Psalm 2:12 “…Blessed are all who take refuge in him.”