To Keep You in the Loop

Matt took Billie to see the Star Wars movie in 3D, it was the opening night so they got special Darth Maul glasses and got to meet Darth Vader and some Storm Troopers. She had a great time, and it was a surprise - which just makes it more fun!

Harper was napping in my lap and I was holding her sweet little hand and just snapped a few pics with my phone. I thought it was sweet and worth sharing.

Matt is itching to get Harper on a bike...This helmet will not fit for 6 mos to a year, but it was very cute. I told him until she fit well in a helmet and could sit up well on her own, no bike was in her future. He just wants to get her out and have fun with her!

Billie reading to Harper as I cooked dinner one night. Once again, they are adorable together and Billie is the best big sister a girl could ask for. It warms my heart and makes me smile every time.

Valentine's Day morning the girls both opened gifts from Matt - It was a great start to a fun day!

This is Savannah, Billie fell in love with this horse at her lesson on Saturday. She just so happens to be for sale, and one of her fellow classmates had her new horse there for her lesson, so Billie was kind of hoping we might buy her a horse, too. We are not buying her a horse, but a girl can dream, right?!

This is her in the ring riding. She loves to ride and is getting very good. She can trot, canter, two point, and does a pretty good job at it all. Her teacher says she is close to learning jumps, which is really what Billie wants to learn!
Matt just had to put Harper up on Savannah. She didn't really seem too impressed.

This was Valentine's Night. We had our traditional fondue dinner. This year we did a swiss cheese with fruit and veggies and bread. Harper had sweet potatoes and bananas. It was a very fun night.

So this was just a quick update to keep you all in the loop. I do want to add we took Harper to see the therapist yesterday and I was very disappointed with the results. She will start weekly therapy because Dr. Trainer says she is developmentally delayed and her gross motor skills are delayed. I felt we had accomplished every thing she had us work on since our last visit, and she didn't even mention any of those! So now we have a long list of new tasks/goals for her - all new to us and we will work on them at home and go once a week to work with a therapist to help us. She needs to be sitting up on her own and she is not flexible enough - I am probably not stating this correctly, but since she is a preemie, her muscles are tight, especially her flexor muscles in her back, and this causes her to be less flexible than a baby that was term and is 6 months old. And she is using them to do everything, including rolling over, and these particular muscles are always seen in preemies to be strong and if we don't get her using her core muscles instead she her developmental delay will worsen and could cause delays in other areas. I have to run, but we will take your prayers on this - it has me very stressed out and worried about her development. Also, she is off of formula now and her weight gain has slowed to a crawl ( or less!). I really do not want to put he back on formula so I am increasing my calories, fat and protein intake in hopes to help my breastmilk content. So prayers for her weight gain is also needed. Thanks to you all!!

Happy Harper

Harper is pretty happy most of the time - and she loves to smile and laugh!

Just a quick update. I am working on a special blog entry, one that I should have done a while ago and it is taking me a while to complete it. But I hated to keep going too long with out an update. Harper is doing great and so is Billie. I am finally feeling more like myself, too. For those that do not know, I had an incisional hernia from my surgery with Harper and I had to have it repaired. It came up a few days after my surgery and I was hoping it would go away on it's own, but instead it just got worse. The surgeon told me that it would be very painful, even worse than my c-section, but I didn't believe him. It's a good thing, or else I would not have done it. He told me the next day that no patient ever does believe him. I had to stay one night in the hospital to manage the pain, although I really didn't want to stay after I tried to get up the second time, I relented and agreed to one night away from my babies. Kellee stayed with them and they were of course fine! But it was hard to be away. I think it would have been easier if we had been say, at the Grove Park Inn enjoying the spa! It was no spa, but everyone (minus one cranky lady) was very nice to us and took very good care of us. And even though it hurt so bad, I loved my surgeon. I am not completely healed yet, but I am doing much much better. It took about two weeks before I could care for Harper and myself again. Kellee and Cathie helped me during that time. I am able to drive again, I just can't lift anything heavy yet. It won't be long, though, and I will be good as new! We take Harper back to the therapist next week and I am so excited to show her how amazingly well she has mastered all of her tasks/goals and to get new exercises and goals to begin working on with her. I know this wasn't a big update, but it is all I have time for. Love and thanks to everyone!

A Soreness in My Soul

Yesterday I had to take Harper to the Pulmonologist for her synagis shot (to prevent RSV) and I was in a huge hurry. Harper had been very fussy all morning, not wanting me to set her down anywhere. That is very unlike her, but we dealt with it. I haven't taken her anywhere on my own since my surgery two weeks ago (more on that later), so it was a challenge to get myself and her ready and out the door. So much of a challenge, I actually forgot to put our dog, Blue, in her kennel before leaving the house. OOPS! Big no-no! Anyway, I got us in the car and all buckled in and started on my way. As I pulled out of the neighborhood, a song came on my radio that just took me back instantly to the operating room 3.5 years ago. It was a Jack Johnson song, Upside Down I think is the name of it. The anesthesiologist, Roger, played the Curious George soundtrack during my delivery of the boys. I hadn't thought about that in a long time. The song took me straight back and the tears just flowed. I could even smell the operating room. I could see the blue curtain. And I could feel my nerves rising up inside my chest cavity, making it hard to breathe. I remembered how it felt as Dr. Bruner was pulling and tugging and remembered him saying he was having a hard time getting the second baby out. I just let myself think about all of this and play it all out in my mind for about 5 minutes as I drove. Probably not smart, but I needed to let myself "wallow" for a minute, as I like to put it. Then I saw the boys all purple and lifeless as he held them up above the curtain for me to see and I heard the silence in the room. Everyone was holding their breath to see if the boys would take their first. And they did! The last thing I let myself remember was getting sick and telling Roger I needed something. This is gross, but I remembered how it felt like my insides were flying out all over the room as I heaved and Dr. Bruner saying "You're not hurting anything up here, we are fine." That was definitely the weirdest feeling I have ever felt. It probably was only in my mind, since I was numb, but I could feel pressure and movement as they moved things and placed things back, so maybe I did feel something. It was so scary. So that's when I cut my trip down memory lane off. The scary feeling of my insides strown across the room, and the sweet memory of my boys taking a breath all on their own, all mixed up into each other. I calmed myself down and drove to the hospital.
Isn't it amazing that one line in a song, or maybe even three little notes arranged just so, can take you back so vividly. On one hand, I treasure those memories and I love them because that is all I have left of Joshua and Caleb. On the other hand, it is painful and raw and hard to go back there. I feel "hung over" today from it, much like I feel the day after a migraine, only not in my head more in my soul. My soul is a little sore today. Sore from the memory, and also sore from the guilt. I should not be wallowing, look at the many blessings around me! Hello, wake up! Be happy, count your blessings. So as I walk by the boys picture a thousand times today on my way to the nursery, I will keep my eyes on Harper or the floor to spare my soul a little. I will pray all day prayers of thanksgiving. I will ask God to give them each more kisses and hugs from me, and try to soothe my soul with those sweet thoughts. Tomorrow it will be better because God is good all of the time. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10