A Soreness in My Soul

Yesterday I had to take Harper to the Pulmonologist for her synagis shot (to prevent RSV) and I was in a huge hurry. Harper had been very fussy all morning, not wanting me to set her down anywhere. That is very unlike her, but we dealt with it. I haven't taken her anywhere on my own since my surgery two weeks ago (more on that later), so it was a challenge to get myself and her ready and out the door. So much of a challenge, I actually forgot to put our dog, Blue, in her kennel before leaving the house. OOPS! Big no-no! Anyway, I got us in the car and all buckled in and started on my way. As I pulled out of the neighborhood, a song came on my radio that just took me back instantly to the operating room 3.5 years ago. It was a Jack Johnson song, Upside Down I think is the name of it. The anesthesiologist, Roger, played the Curious George soundtrack during my delivery of the boys. I hadn't thought about that in a long time. The song took me straight back and the tears just flowed. I could even smell the operating room. I could see the blue curtain. And I could feel my nerves rising up inside my chest cavity, making it hard to breathe. I remembered how it felt as Dr. Bruner was pulling and tugging and remembered him saying he was having a hard time getting the second baby out. I just let myself think about all of this and play it all out in my mind for about 5 minutes as I drove. Probably not smart, but I needed to let myself "wallow" for a minute, as I like to put it. Then I saw the boys all purple and lifeless as he held them up above the curtain for me to see and I heard the silence in the room. Everyone was holding their breath to see if the boys would take their first. And they did! The last thing I let myself remember was getting sick and telling Roger I needed something. This is gross, but I remembered how it felt like my insides were flying out all over the room as I heaved and Dr. Bruner saying "You're not hurting anything up here, we are fine." That was definitely the weirdest feeling I have ever felt. It probably was only in my mind, since I was numb, but I could feel pressure and movement as they moved things and placed things back, so maybe I did feel something. It was so scary. So that's when I cut my trip down memory lane off. The scary feeling of my insides strown across the room, and the sweet memory of my boys taking a breath all on their own, all mixed up into each other. I calmed myself down and drove to the hospital.
Isn't it amazing that one line in a song, or maybe even three little notes arranged just so, can take you back so vividly. On one hand, I treasure those memories and I love them because that is all I have left of Joshua and Caleb. On the other hand, it is painful and raw and hard to go back there. I feel "hung over" today from it, much like I feel the day after a migraine, only not in my head more in my soul. My soul is a little sore today. Sore from the memory, and also sore from the guilt. I should not be wallowing, look at the many blessings around me! Hello, wake up! Be happy, count your blessings. So as I walk by the boys picture a thousand times today on my way to the nursery, I will keep my eyes on Harper or the floor to spare my soul a little. I will pray all day prayers of thanksgiving. I will ask God to give them each more kisses and hugs from me, and try to soothe my soul with those sweet thoughts. Tomorrow it will be better because God is good all of the time. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10