I Don't Want To Do Today

I woke up at 7:15 on 7/15, no small number for me.  I thought to myself as I have thought for the past week, "I don't want to do today."  I just want to be happy, and I don't want to think of what this day means in my life, in my history, in my story.  That is the most selfish thing I have done in a long time.  Today my boys turn 4.  I didn't make a cake with cute little African Animals like I have done every year for their birthday, I don't want to celebrate.  I don't know what is so hard about 4, but it is so hard. Maybe it has nothing to do with 4 at all.  Maybe it is just that I am so happy, I just don't want to be sad.  Not that I don't think of them often, daily.  I have their pictures up in my home and I see them all day long as I clean and take care of the girls.  I now see them when I look at Harper sometimes - which sometimes knocks the wind out of me and sometimes makes me smile. Life is hard, and it's days like today that remind me of just how hard life can be.  It's really the month of July that does that for me.  I hate July. I shouldn't hate it quite as much because I brought my miracle baby Harper home in July last year, July 23, 2011.  That should have softened July for me a bit. A lot of happiness and abundant blessings brought to a month so filled with loss for me.  It's not just the boys birth and loss that makes July hard for me. Next Saturday is another day I hate, the day Michael passed.  Then there's July 24, the day I buried both my husband and my sons, 4 years apart. And to round it all out, July 29, the day we lost my sweet, precious Grandma.  That one even hurts, probably just because I am wallowing in my sadness because it is very natural to lose a grandparent to old age.  She did die very suddenly, and no one got to say goodbye, but it was peaceful and in her sleep, we think. I'm just feeling sorry for myself, so just ignore my ramblings.  Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. Maybe I can try to celebrate a little today, the gift that Joshua and Caleb gave me.  Not just one gift, but many gifts.  They were so brave and so strong.  I can still see Caleb trying to lift his head to see me as they put them on my chest.  The doctor said it was just involuntary, but he couldn't see Caleb's eyes.  He was looking at his mommy.  Oh how I wish I could have taken the pain away for him, but thankfully his heavenly father did that.  I can't imagine what it must have felt like to not be able to take a deep enough breath to sustain life for longer than an hour and a half.  I imagine it must feel little like when I go for a run after having not ran in months - I can't breathe about 5 minutes into it.  My throat closes up and I wheeze as I struggle to get a breath. But if I continue to run, my throat and my heart and my legs and my lungs eventually figure it out about 15 minutes into the run, and I can then run for hours if I want to.  Harper knows what the boys felt like I bet, but she won't remember by the time she can tell us.  I don't want her to remember, that is one thing we kept saying as we watched her tiny little body struggle to breathe while the ventilator pushed breaths into her lungs - she won't remember any of this.  I wonder if Joshua and Caleb remember me.  I also wonder, as I do every day, if they are conjoined or separated in heaven.  I hope they remember me, and I hope they don't so they don't have to miss me. I hope they are separated, and I hope they are conjoined. I am so selfish.  I know heaven doesn't work like life here works, but since I can't really wrap my mind around that I have to put it in the schema that I do know so I constantly compare it to life.  But it is the life ever after, not life.  I am so thankful He took them home, so they do not know pain and they do not struggle to breathe, to eat, to live.  But I miss them.  So this year I am being selfish for their birthday.  No cake, no celebration.  We are going to go to church. We will go to the cemetery. We will cook dinner. I hope when I get out of this selfish funk in a few days I don't regret not celebrating their 4th birthday.  You don't get a do over with stuff like that.  There's only one 4th birthday.  That's OK, I am taking my chances.  I don't have a lot of regrets in my life so I am willing to risk this one. July 15 will come again next year, there's nothing I can do to stop it. Trust me, I tried this year really hard.  I don't want to do today, but today came anyway.

Busy Bees

I am so sorry it has been so long since I updated the blog!  We are all doing very good.  I actually started a new business - JC Stitches, and have been very busy filling orders and getting myself organized. Check it out here: jcstitches.com  Matt is working on a real website for me, but until then I am just blogging every thing I make.  You can look through each blog entry to see the different things.  Most of them were written in June. I received a sewing machine for Christmas and after getting lots of requests from friends, decided to make it a business.  It is mostly baby and children's clothes, but my favorite thing to make in the world is special, one-of-a-kind rag dolls!  I make them special, to-order just the way you want them - most people choose them to be "look-a-like" dolls.  I also love to make softies, which are soft stuffed-animals just perfect for babies and toddlers to play with.  Billie loves them, too, though.  I got my first pattern from a website, and then designed my own giraffe and made some.  I am working now on a monkey and an elephant.  I also make hand made blankets, buggy covers, and napkins.  My next project is a car seat cover like the one I received as a gift when I first brought Harper home. 
We went on vacation last week to the Land Between the Lakes in Kentucky.  It was hot.  We had a great time.  We went with all of Matt's family, the Rosecrance/Sprigg's.  We had about 24 people.  Matt, Harper and I had a little cabin and everyone else camped by the lake.  We also had two boats to play on.  We golfed a little and it was fun.  I spent a lot of my time studying, I am taking the DTR exam (Dietetic Technician, Registered) on Saturday and I would appreciate your prayers.  I just want to pass it.  I've been out of school over a year now, and it has been so hard to get my self to where I feel prepared to take this exam.  I wish I could have taken it as soon as I graduated, I feel like I have lost a lot of info over this past year.  But I have been studying for about 2 months, so surely I am more prepared than I feel. 
Billie is having a colonoscopy/endoscopy on Friday - just to make sure everything is OK - nothing is wrong.  Because of her family history, she has to have one every 4 years.  Prayers for her are also appreciated.  As all of you know, the worst part for her will be tomorrow and the preparation.  So today she is playing with her Grandma and Grandpa at the pool, celebrating the 4th of July! Matt is golfing, and now that Harper Grace is down for a nap - I am hitting the books.  I promise to update soon and let you know how the colonoscopy went for Billie and I have been trying to get video of Harper and all the funny noises she makes, but as soon as I pull the camera out she always stops and gets very quiet!  Happy 4th to you all!

Birthday Party Results

The NICU roommates! Together for the first time.  Harper and Milly were pretty interested in each other, too!

 The Food Table.  Mackenzie made the fabulous banner!

 All of the NICU girls and the mommies!

 The birthday girl, she looks tiny here to me!

 She loved the frosting on her cake!

 So glad it was red so we could see it so good!

 Sharing her cake with momy

 This look was on her face a lot that day, and is every day and it just cracks me up!

 The family in our Minnie Ears! Obviously, Minnie was our theme for the party!

Sisters - so sweet!

It was a successful party! Everyone had a good time, but no one more so than the birthday girl herself, Harper Grace.  Not a tear was shed, it was all smiles and good times for her.  She thoroughly enjoyed every minute.  I think she loves to be the center of attention, and so she felt right at home even in the biggest crowd she has ever been in. 

Harper Grace - 1st Year in Pictures

• Today we celebrate a year of firsts and a year of MIRACLES!  Thanks be to God for giving Harper Grace the strength, courage, and the fight to live even though she had so much to overcome right from the beginning! I could not be more in awe of this little girl.  Thanks to all of you for your continued prayers over our precious little girl!

April 23, 2011 Born 4 months early at 24 weeks. 1 lb 6 oz
1 month old. Still tiny at 1 lb 11.69 oz, but off ventilator and on cannula for breathing support. She was switched to CPAP on 5/17, and then to cannula on 5/21. This is what finally helps her start gaining weight - while working so hard to breathe, she just couldn't gain.
2 months old! No oxygen support at all since 6/15! 3 lb 3.3 oz and wearing clothes and breast feeding.
3 months old - and going home today! 7/23/2011 - one month before her due date, 4 lb 13 oz.
4 months old up to 5lb 14 oz! So happy and thriving at home! Her corrected age here is newborn -this pic is when she was due to be born.

5 months old, 7lb 1 oz! Getting bigger, slow and steady wins the race! 1 month corrected age.
6 months old, lots of smiles. 8lb 7oz. Such a big girl and such a happy baby! 2 months corrected age, can you see the huge improvements she made from 5 months to 6 months?


7 months old! Hard to believe this is the same baby as the first picture, isn't it? 9 lb 8 oz here. 3 months corrected age.
8 mos old, 10 lbs 6 oz. Finally hit 10 lbs! And this is when she finally started sleeping through the night- yeah for Mommy! 4 months corrected age.
9 months, 11 lbs 4 oz. 5 months corrected age.
11 months - so sorry my 10 month old picture will just not upload to the blog, and short of starting over, I do not know how to fix it. And having spent an hour preparing this blog, I am not starting over. I am so sorry to skip a month, but this will have to do! She is a BIG 12 lbs 2 oz now! Crawling, standing, pulling up, sitting up - always on the go and very happy! 7 months corrected age.






Our Big 1 Year Old! She is just doing amazingly well! I still can not believe she is one, or that she started at just 1 lb 6 oz and a year later you can not even tell she was a micro preemie. We are so blessed with this precious miracle. She is around 12 1/2 lbs (She goes to the dr this week so I will update exact weight then). She is saying a few words, bye-bye, momma, dadda ( Well, kind of. They all may just be Freudian slips, but they seem like real words to us. The jury is still out, though). Her corrected age is 8 months and I feel like she is right on track developmentally for her corrected age, maybe a little ahead. She definitely has the mental ability of an 8 month old, maybe even a 12 month old, but her physical capabilities hold her back a little and this really frustrates her at times. I am certain by the time she is 2 we will no longer be able to tell she was a micro preemie at all. She will always be small, she isn't even on the growth chart yet and may never be, but we always knew she was going to be small, even if she hadn't been so early. Thank you for your love, prayers, and support since her miraculous birth this time last year. Without God and the support of our friends and family, we would not have made it. But look how far she has come - it was all worth it!

Determined

Making faces at Blue, who likes to come over and give kisses to Harper through the net of the pack-in-play.
She was so determined to stand up in her pack-in-play, even though she is tiny and there is really nothing to pull-up on. Here she is standing there.
All smiles in her stroller at the eye doctor. Clean bill of health on her eyes. Dr. Gitchlag even said if he didn't know she was a preemie, he would not be able to tell by looking in her eyes.
On her tippy-toes, peeking over! Very determined. I am sure she will start working on climbing out soon! This just cracked me up. She is really about two inches shorter than the top rail of the pack-in-play. She should not be able to stand up in there, and yet she can! I really hope she doesn't figure out how to crawl out any time soon - if she does, there will be no rest in our home ever again!

Life's a Beach!

Harper is pulling-up now! She will not lay down in her crib - as soon as I set her in there she stands up! She crawls every where, there is no keep her still, and as soon as she gets to where she wants to be she finds something to pull up on and stands. It is very cute and very exciting, but does make it a challenge to get things done! She is very busy all of the time!
The sun making it's arrival!
The sun just barely showing, can you kind of see the large crowd?
Fun in the sand!
So happy under her umbrella!
Billie on the last night of our trip.

We took the girls to the beach for Easter! It was amazing and wonderful for all of us. We really needed to get away. We went to a sunrise service on the beach, right out from where we were staying and it was so special to see so many people come together at such an early hour, and on their vacation, to worship and celebrate the ultimate price Jesus paid. And when the sun did rise it was amazing. He has risen indeed! Beautiful. Some how I feel closer to God at the beach. I don't know if it is because the ocean is so huge and amazing and beautiful that it just makes it easy to see how mighty God is, or if I feel like it is the "end of the Earth" and God is just on the other side of the ocean, maybe it is a bit of both. I wish I could do that every Easter.
The weather was great after the first day, which was cold and rainy - only 58 degrees! It was 10 degrees warmer at home that day then it was on the beach. But we just relaxed at our condo, and then took the girls to Build-A-Bear and out to dinner that night. The next two days were sunny and warm, around 72, and perfect for playing on the beach. Billie built sand castles and Matt buried her in the sand (one of her favorite things to do, not sure why). Harper loved the sand and the water, but didn't like the wind. The first day on the beach she was able to nap in my arms under a towel, but the second day she just got tired of it and wanted her bed. We all got to take a run or two on the beach, too, which is the perfect place to run in all the Earth, if you ask me.
We are planning Harper's birthday party. It is so amazing to look back over the past year and see how far she has come. I think I take it for granted a little bit until I see the pictures of how tiny she was. I have an awesome blog planned for her birthday, so check back her next Monday (if I am on top of things, it will be up on time.)

Thankful

This is Harper pulling herself up in her crib!
Billie wore this dress that Harper is wearing for her first Easter back in 2001! Billie was 3 months old when she wore it, though. I will try to get a picture of Billie in the dress up later in the week.
Doesn't she look proud of herself?


I just had to share that I woke up with thankfulness in my heart. We are so blessed in so many ways - a strong roof over our heads, healthy, happy girls in their warm beds, full bellies, beautiful spring weather to enjoy, and safe cars to get us where we want to go. The list goes on and on. Life can change so quickly and everything can be ripped from you in mere seconds. I guess I just feel so blessed to have Harper and Billie and to have them both so healthy. I look at Harper and I am so amazed at how well she is doing - basically no lasting effects from being a micro-preemie. She is happy and healthy and doing things right on time for her corrected age. She is actually trying to pull up now! She went from not crawling or sitting up to crawling, almost sitting up, and pulling up in a week! She is so strong and so strong-willed. She will not sleep unless she wants to- she fights sleep like no other baby I have ever seen. She sleeps good at night, but she does not nap well at all. She is so funny, she will fall asleep for about 5 minutes and then she jerks herself awake and she is good to go, wide awake! She gets that power nap in and that's all she needs! She crawls every where now, and even though she can't sit up yet, she has learned to improvise and "prop-sit" by propping herself up on one arm and playing with her toys with the other. She is eating better and I am certain she is growing well, although she hasn't been weighed in about 3 weeks so I don't know for sure. I have to pinch myself sometimes so that I know all of this is real. Harper was so tiny and so sick at birth, but she beat all the odds and I am so thankful.
Billie has been on spring break this week and has been enjoying time with her grandparents. The Rosecrance's took her on a bike ride on the Virginia Creeper, and her Grandma and Grandpa Williams have her today, I think they are making a trip to Build-A-Bear and possibly the nail salon to get her toes done! She is a very lucky girl, but she is also very deserving.
I have been sewing up a storm. I got a sewing machine for Christmas and I made the girls matching dresses for Easter, and bunnies to love on, too. They aren't perfect, but I am learning and I enjoy it so that is all that matters.
Our good friends The Delgados just brought their son home from Eastern Europe. He is in the hospital for surgery today and could use your prayers. They are an amazing young couple, and he is a miracle child with EB. EB is a skin disease he was born with and is very serious. You can read about them here: http://goodtimesdelgadostyle.blogspot.com/2012/03/anton-is-in-hospital.html?m=1 .
Yesterday I was changing Harper's diaper and just above her head are pictures of Joshua and Caleb. She looks at them and I swear she knows them. I always tell her they are looking over us from Heaven. I still miss my boys every day, but the pain gets softer with time. I love thinking of them in Heaven and how wonderfully made they are, and how happy they must be in the presence of Jesus. I am so thankful that God blessed me with Joshua and Caleb. I feel so honored to have been chosen to be their mommy. God is so good and knew how special this would make me feel forever. Such a gift to be in the presence of angels. I am so thankful that God gave me the strength to live even when my heart was breaking. There are three very special people in heaven watching over me and my family. Not a day goes by that I don't miss them or wish I could be with them, but I am also thankful that God chose to give me life and multiple blessings within my life. I am just thankful and in awe of my many blessings. There were days I didn't think I would get through, but God brought me through them. There are still days I ask God "why?" but then he gently reminds me that it was all part of his plan and that is all that I need to know now. I love that when I am still I can hear him. I also love that God does know what I can handle and carries me through- that I can always feel his presence and even when I worry and feel scared, I know he will never leave me. I am so thankful for my many blessings!



Here is a little video of Harper crawling!!