Buddy's Race Against Cancer

Hello! Sorry it has been so long since I blogged, again. And sorry that you may have been having trouble accessing the website, for some reason we have been having some problems with it. Matt is taking care of the issues, and hopefully it won't happen again.

We had an exciting weekend last weekend. The Buddy's Race Against Cancer was on the 16th, and we had a team again this year in memory of Michael. We had a great turn out, especially considering it was FREEZING! The pictures here are of us and Matt's parents, Billie and her face painting, and us with Riley. We only took a couple pictures, but there were lots more friends and family there, we just didn't take their picture! Matt and I had been so sick, so we chickened out of the 5k walk, and ended up walking in the Walk in the Park instead. It was a good thing, since we both ended up relapsing and getting sick all over again last week. I took another z-pac and am finally doing better, but the cough just won't go away and we are still not 100%. It is so frustrating. The biggest blessing has been that Billie has not gotten it, any of it! That is a miracle all in itself, if you ask me. Anyway, the race was so much fun, I love getting together with everyone and spending the day honoring Michael's memory. It was a hard day, I have to admit I am guilty of having a pity party a couple of times that day. I was feeling sorry not only for myself and my losses, but for Billie's, too. The race and the reason we are there does put it in your face a little more than other situations. But I kicked myself in the bottom and told myself I am so blessed to have had two amazing and loving husbands, some people never even get one man to love them the way Michael and Matt love me. And I have the most amazing daughter in the world. She is so very special, she had a wonderful time at the race. We try to turn Michael's death into something positive by helping raise money to raise awareness, and Billie is beginning to understand some of that. I know she feels good about herself that she is fighting cancer so others do not have to lose their Daddy, too. She looks forward to the Race Against Cancer every year, and I know she will always be a part of it and I am proud of her and her giving heart. She is just the most amazing person, she just handles everything so well. She doesn't sit around and feel sorry for herself, at all, I don't even think the thought crosses her mind to even feel sorry for herself ever. She has wonderful people all around her that love her completely and she probably has more love and support than most kids get. And you can tell by how she handles herself in every situation. I know she is mine, and I am a little biased, but it really is true. I am not sure if I have ever mentioned this story here before or not, but just to show you how amazing she handles herself, I want to share it with you now. When we go to stores and stuff, Billie usually gets a lot of attention from the people working there, as most children do, I am sure. The last time we went to the post office the man working there was very sweet and playful with her. He asked her if she had any brothers and sisters, and she did not miss a beat. She said " I have two brothers." And he then asked her if she was in the middle. She looked at him with surprise, and I could see her little mind just working. It was so cute. She was trying to think of a way to answer, she didn't know he meant birth order. She finally answered as he was also trying to explain himself, I guess he realized she didn't understand his question. She simply said " How could I be in the middle? They are conjoined twins." But he didn't hear her, because he was talking at the same time. All he heard was they are twins. So he asked if they are older or younger than her, and she answered younger. And he asked if they would let her fix their hair, it happened to be crazy hair day so he was having fun with her hair. She told him, "No, probably not." And we were finished and we said our good byes. When we got in the car she told me that she didn't know what he meant, she thought for a second that he did know they were conjoined twins and he was teasing with her. But she was happy as could be and it didn't bother her at all. We did talk about the boys on the way home that day. Just because it got her thinking, she was sharing some of her thoughts that she has had about the boys. She asked me if I thought people would have stared at them. I told her that some people would have stared at them, and that most people would be curious but once we welcomed them and their questions we would just make more friends and that it would mostly be a wonderful experience. She said she wished it could have happened that way, but she is still glad they are with Jesus. She is just amazing and she makes me so proud every single day.

I learned some sad news this weekend, the Delgado's had their twins, Melodie and Madison on November 11Th. If you do not know about them, you can check out their blog at http://www.goodtimesdelgadostyle.blogspot.com/. Vanessa visited our website some time ago, and we have been praying for them ever since. They were conjoined similar to Joshua and Caleb, and they lived only an hour. I know what they are going through right now, and it breaks my heart for them. They seem to have a wonderful faith in God, and I know He will see them through, but please pray for them, Jason and Vanessa and their daughter Kenya and Vanessa's sister that is 15 that lives with them, Destinee. I know all of the prayers that have been sent up for us is what got us through those really hard days, and continues to do so. It has only been 4 months, but I can say that time does help. It is still hard some days, but the wonderful memories of holding our boys and the thoughts of them and how perfect they are today with Jesus fills most of my time these days, instead of the sad thoughts. I had a dream last night that I was still pregnant with them, and I felt them kick! It was so real and amazing, and it woke me up and I can still remember what it felt like. I would probably give my right arm to have them there in my belly, all safe and snug again. But at the same time, I would not take them from Jesus, either. I will get to hold them again one day when I join them in heaven, until then I will be happy with my memories. I wonder sometimes if they will grow up in heaven. Do they stay an hour and a half old? If I die when I am 80 and they would be 45, when I arrive in heaven will I have 45 year old sons that are bigger than me or will I have tiny little babies, only an hour and a half old that I can cradle in my arms? And of course I wonder if they will be conjoined or separated. I just can't decide! I look at their pictures and they look so beautiful and perfect to me, so I am sure God sees them even more perfect than I do, since he created them and all. So, as long as they are happy maybe they are still conjoined. Or maybe they are sometimes and they are not sometimes. I just know in that dream that I had where I could hear Caleb's thoughts, he didn't really know they were conjoined but he had this over-powering desire to be with Joshua all the time. So maybe that is how it is. Or maybe that is just how my crazy mind works! Scary, isn't it?

So we are getting ready for Thanksgiving, and we are all very excited it is this week. Tuesday night we get to go to the Fantasy of Trees Gala, thanks to Bill and Wanda for the tickets! We will get all dressed up, and Billie is going, too. She has been before, but doesn't remember. She is excited for it. She loves Christmas and all the lights and decorations, she is going to have a blast with all of those trees! I hope we run into our doctors from NICU at Children's while we are there, since it is a benefit for Children's Hospital. It would be wonderful to see them again. They were so good to us, through the entire process and especially the day the boys were born. I know they did everything in their power to try to help the boys, and we are so grateful to them for all they did.

I am taking an exam Tuesday, so wish me luck. Matt is smoking a turkey on Wednesday. And of course I will go shopping with Elizabeth on Friday! Only day of the year that crowds don't bother me. I am so excited! It is one of my most favorite things that happen all year. We have so much fun shopping together. We don't even buy that much, but it is just fun to get that one amazing deal! That door stopper that everyone wants! I guess that brings you up to speed on all that is going on here. Maybe I will surprise you and blog again later in the week! If not, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for this year, it will be hard to list them all, but I will make it a point to count all of my blessings and thank God for all the good he has done in my life.