How Many Children Do You Have?

How many children do you have? I HATE this question. When I am asked this question, I struggle every single time with how to answer. Most people that ask me this question have a reason, and it is not to get to know me and gather information about my life situation. It is either to give me a children's menu at a restaurant, or maybe to decide if I have the same struggles in my daily life that they have in theirs. I have talked about this over the last couple of days with some of my friends, out of guilt and just to see their opinion, but I still have the same question in my own head as to how to answer. I went to Billie's class Wednesday for her Christmas Party. I was talking with another Mom and we had a lot in common. She is also a full-time student, and a mom and a wife and she was telling me how hard it is and how especially at Christmas it is hard to buy for all 3 of her children. Then she asked me if I just had the one, and I hesitated. I didn't know what to say. Instinctively what came to my mind was "No, I have three." But she wasn't asking me how many children I have had, how many children I love with all of my heart, how many children spent 9 months in my belly and captured my heart the moment I found out about them. She was asking me how many children I have to feed dinner to, how many children I have to get up and get ready in the morning, how many children I have to buy Christmas presents for. So as I struggled with my own thoughts, she asked me "Do you just have Billie?" I think she must have thought I didn't understand her first question. I answered "yes." and then as she continued to vent about her struggles with 3, I barely could listen as I thought "NO! I have three children. I said only one, but I really have three! I feel so guilty that I said that to you, and I want to go back in time and fix it. I am so proud of all of my children, and I don't want you to think that I am not." I could think of nothing else the rest of the time I was there. I never went back to her and corrected myself, because it was not the appropriate place or time to get into a huge discussion and explanation of the past year of my life. And she was not asking me the question that I wanted to give the answer to. I find myself feeling so guilty if I don't tell people about Joshua and Caleb because I am afraid the boys would feel like I am embarrassed or ashamed of them. I am so proud of them, and I see them so beautiful and perfect just the way they were. If they were alive today, I would take them everywhere, although I know I would worry that they wouldn't be safe in the car since they wouldn't fit in a car seat. I would worry about how Billie would feel if someone asked a stupid question or laughed or pointed or something. But I would proudly show them off and take them everywhere, just like you would with any twin babies! I know that question will be asked of me a lot and I will have to get over my guilt with how I answer it. But in my heart I have three children. I am so thankful to God that he gave us Joshua and Caleb and they are a big part of our family and they always will be. I would love to be celebrating this as their first Christmas, but I am also thankful to God for the way He handled their lives and the way He stayed with us and carried us through His plan. When I let myself day dream about what it would have been if they had lived longer, God always shows me that eventually it would have been harder as they suffered and I had to let them go anyway. God is good and He knew what we could handle and what we could not bear and He protected us from that.