Blue

Let me introduce you to Blue, our new boxer puppy! She is so sweet. She is very smart, somewhat stubborn, very loving, very playful and very fun. We got her Sunday after church. She was in the second litter of puppies we looked at. We went to see another littler on Saturday but decided they were a little too "rough." They had been kept outside, not with the family, and they lacked vital social skills. They were older and we were afraid they were too old to learn what they had already missed. They were adorable, too, so it was a hard decision. But I am so glad now that we waited. Blue is perfect for our family. She LOVES Billie, and Billie loves her. She follows Billie around everywhere, it is so cute. Bob is doing great with her. She even left her "bed" last night to cuddle with the puppy that was sleeping on the rug in the living room. All of that said, it is hard having a puppy. She got up this morning at 4:30. I took her potty and then put her back in her kennel to go to sleep, but she cried and barked until I got her back out at 5:20. Bob got up then, so I figured it was just time for everyone to eat breakfast. She is doing pretty good with potty training. It just takes time and patience. She is only 7 weeks old, so it will not happen overnight. She loves to please us, though, so I don't think it will take long. Matt taught her to fetch yesterday! She is so smart. She doesn't bring it back, but she goes and gets it. She loves to play, as all puppies do, I guess. But she also loves to sleep and cuddle. She is very loving, and she enjoys praise and love more than treats. That may change over time and probably will. She is also learning to go on a leash. Matt has his heart set on teaching her to go into her kennel by saying "go to the Big House." For those of you that do not know Matt is a huge Michigan football fan and their stadium is called "The Big House." It is funny to say, but it doesn't bother me if it makes him happy! I admit I feel a little silly saying it, though. Blue is an excellent addition to our family. I will be sure to update the blog with pictures of her as she grows, and I know I will have plenty of funny stories to share with you about her as she gets more adventurous. She has also been a nice distraction for all of us, helping us not to concentrate on the boys birthday which is on Thursday quite as much. It doesn't completely erase it from our minds, but it allows us to smile and have something positive to put our energies into.

The Wonderful People That Helped Us

I thought I would share with you how wonderful the nurses, anesthesiologist, respiratory therapists and doctors were during our pregnancy, delivery and after. First of all, everyone at the perinatologist were pretty much at our beck and call 24/7. Every question we had, every request we needed, all of it was attended to immediately. Sometimes they couldn't answer our questions. And they were honest about that and always tried to get us the answers we needed. No one there had ever seen conjoined twins before, we were their first, so it was scary not only for us but for them as well. About 6 weeks after we had the boys, they had another set of conjoined twins at the perinatologist. We had them give the couple our contact information, but they never got in touch with us. We were comforted by the fact that we had "broken them in" at the perinatologist and that they were fresh and up to date on conjoined twins. They also could tell those parents with confidence that they had seen and delivered one set of conjoined twins. I am sure that helped the experience both on the staff and the new parents.

The people at Children's were so amazing. They had a whole team dedicated to our boys. We sat down in a conference room with them several times and just shot questions out at them. "What if this happens, what do we do?" They were able to "dumb it down" for both of us and explain all of our options so we had a good birth plan in the event of anything. It all went so smoothly because we had no decisions to make once the boys were born, we had already made them and signed on the dotted line and everyone working with our boys new exactly what we wanted and didn't want. I feel like they loved our boys as much as we did, different than us, of course, but I know the boys had an impact on the lives of everyone they came into contact with, and even on those that only heard about them. That is an awesome and inspiring thought. They did everything they could to help give our boys everything they needed to sustain life. There just wasn't anything anyone could do. They were meant to be here only a short time. God's timing is awesome, even if I do not understand it. He gave us exactly what we needed. At the time, I wanted them to live long enough to at least bring them home. But I know now that would have been so much harder. Watching them live, and then seeing them die would have been unbearable. God knew exactly how it would go. He had a plan for us and for Joshua and Caleb.

Everyone at Ft. Sanders was equally amazing to us. They were also prepared for us. Roger, our anesthesiologist, was hoping he would be working the day we went into labor. He had heard of us, as most of the staff had, and had been following our blog and praying for us. He prayed with us twice before the surgery. He was sweet and wonderful to us. He came back the next day to check on us and brought us the book "The Shack." We both read it while sailing with Bob and Nancy to Catalina and were inspired, strengthened and changed forever. He also played the Curious George CD during delivery and that soundtrack now always takes us back to that day, in a good way. We used the music for our slide show of the boys, too. Sometimes the songs make me cry still, but most of the time they just make me feel closer to the boys. The funny thing is, we already owned the CD-it just didn't have any meaning and we really didn't think it was that great before. Jack Johnson is now one of my favorite artists. Just hearing his voice makes me think of Joshua and Caleb.

The nurses at Ft. Sanders were all great. Some of them came in just because they had signed up to be on our team. They came in just to be there for us, for the boys. It is very humbling that so many people would sacrifice their day off just to help me, someone they didn't even know, through a hard time. They had let everyone know they were going to have conjoined twins, but they were not allowed to talk about it outside of closed doors, not in the elevator, not in the cafeteria, not anywhere. They knew that we wanted our privacy, and they were going to keep our secret. Our friends that had conjoined twins said that it turned into a media spectacle at their hospital, and we didn't want that. If the boys had lived, we would have been forced to share them and at the least let the hospital make an announcement, but since we knew they might die we didn't want to have to deal with media while trying to grieve. Everyone at both hospitals respected that. There is not one person that worked with us that I can't still picture their face. They all hold such a special dear place in my heart and always will. They make me feel closer to Joshua and Caleb. I am so lucky to have them. Thanks for putting up with my reminiscing. It is so good for my soul. Thursday my boys will be 2, it is hard to imagine that on one hand, and on the other it seems like even longer since they have been gone. God is so good to let me be healthy and happy even without Joshua and Caleb in my arms.

Remembering

I was just thinking about the day I went into labor. It actually started the night before, on July 14th, but I didn't know. I just starting crying and I told Matt "something is wrong but I don't know what." We had a doctor appointment the next day, so Matt mentioned this at the appointment to Dr. Bruner so he checked me and sure enough I was dilated to 3 and fully effaced. I remember I said "OH NO!" and Dr. Bruner said "It doesn't mean you are in labor for certain. Are you having contractions?" Of course I had been all day, I had already taken two of my pills to try to stop the labor, I can't remember now what it is called but it is actually a breathing medicine but what it does is relax the smooth muscle so it can make the pain of false contractions go away. I guess I was pretty much in denial. So they hooked me up to a monitor and started timing my contractions and sure enough I was in labor. Dr. Bruner came over to me and said "We are going to deliver today. What did you have for breakfast?" I immediately started crying because I wanted to just keep them in my belly. I knew they were safe there- they didn't have to breathe on their own there. I would have stayed pregnant with them forever just to save them and keep them with us. He let Matt come in then, even though only patients were allowed in the monitoring room. He had a nurse take us over to the hospital and we started getting prepared and making our calls. My contractions really kicked in once we got settled. I was glad we were there at the hospital, and not trying to get there. It was still a long day, they didn't take me back until 4pm. We had lots of friends and family visit us, and we had a lot of people from Children's Hospital come in and go over our plan with us again. Everyone there was ready for us, I felt so safe with them. I was terrified, of course. I didn't have that excitement that I had with Billie that I was actually about to meet my baby for the first time. I was so terrified that they would be still born, or that they wouldn't live long enough for me to get to hold them. I was also terrified that I would either die during the surgery or lose my uterus. OK, I can admit now that was a stupid fear. But I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and I was unable to think very clearly. Of course the doctors have to warn you of any complications that might come up, and since our babies were conjoined and were the first set ever delivered at Fort Sanders- they were scared and that made us scared. Dr. Bruner, however, was very calm and seemed very confident everything would be fine. I will save the rest of the story for later in the week. It actually makes me feel better to get these thoughts out like this. I think it is good for me to remember and grieve and I am able to do it and not wallow in my sorrows, but remember the miracles that we were blessed with in Joshua and Caleb. Man, do I love those boys! I think about them in heaven all of the time, and to me they are separated and two years old. My mind just pictures them that way. But their faces are always blurry. I can never get a real clear look at them. I am hoping for another dream of them soon, it has been so long. Until then, I will hold on to my memories.

Bless Billie's Ears

My cousin Kelly was in town from Virginia to visit us this week and took some great photos of Billie and I in Elkmont. We enjoyed Kelly's stay so much and were all sad for her to leave this morning.

I wanted to give everyone an update on Billie's ears; the infection is all cleared up, thankfully! She does have some hearing loss still, though, so we are going to have them tested by an audiologist at the ENT. Hopefully they can get to the root of the problem and we can get her back up to hearing 100% quickly. Molly (our nurse practitioner that is treating Billie) said that she could see some scarring on the ear drum. She also said there could still be some fluid back behind the ear drum that she just can't see but that the audiologist would be able to find and tubes would be an easy fix to the problem. I am hoping by our Monday appointment that she has regained a lot of her hearing if not all of it and we get a clean bill of health. I do ask you all to pray for her, though. I feel just awful about the whole thing still. I should have taken her in earlier, and I will not make that mistake again, hopefully! Bless Billie's heart - and EARS! She loves music so much, it would be absolutely horrible if her hearing is permanently damaged. But Molly does not think this hearing loss is permanent, so we are just praying that it is temporary and short lived!

I can't finish the blog without mentioning July is a huge month for us. July is sad and a very hard month for me to get through. We lost Michael six years ago on July 21, and of course the boys were born and passed on July 15, 2008. I can not believe it has been two years since I held my beautiful babies, and I can't believe Michael has been gone six years. We also lost my grandma on July 29, 8 years ago. Needless to say, I could take the whole month of July and stay in bed and hibernate through it, but I choose to push on instead. Some days I am so bitter, and I am angry. But other days I am just thankful that God saw me through my losses and try to hold on to my faith that He has a wonderful plan in store for me and my family- so much better than I can even imagine. I am pretty ready for that plan to be shown, but I know I have to wait for God's timing not my own. I know there is a reason for everything that happens, and that God will use it all to glorify His name, but I am not a very patient person. It is hard to remain faithful but when I am struggling I continue to remind myself that when I am weakest He is strongest and God's Grace is sufficient for me. Some days I have to repeat that to myself over and over again, but it eventually gets through my stubborn bitterness and it always makes me feel better and gives me renewed Hope in God's plan for our lives.

I promise to update the blog as soon as I know something about Billie's ears, and I am also going to try to put some pictures of the boys up next week as well as blog about some memories from our pregnancy and their birth. Love to everyone!

Billie is sick

Hello, everyone! Just a quick update. Billie stayed last week with her Grandma and Grandpa Rosecrance at the boat house for "cousins week." She had a great time. She complained a couple times of her ear hurting but she kept saying it wasn't bad, and then she would be fine; sleep fine, play fine, eat fine and no fever. When she got home last night she said again her ear hurt and I looked in them and found some blood and debris, so this morning first thing we went to her doctor. Bless her heart. She had double ear infections, ruptured ear drums and swimmer's ear on top of it all! I feel so guilty. I should have taken her way before today. She must have an insanely high tolerance for pain. She told me later that it hurt really bad, but she just didn't want to miss anything at the lake. Of course Cathie and Brian would have taken her to a clinic, but she kept saying she was OK and that it felt better. We know to not listen to that next time. I knew Sunday I should have taken her, but I let her talk me out of it because she just didn't want to go. Next time I will go with my gut. Poor baby. She has a fever today and feels terrible. So we are giving her lots of rest and love. She is on an antibiotic plus she has a an ear drop that is an antibiotic and steroid to take care of the swimmers ear. She can't swim for three days, which shouldn't be a problem since she has been at the lake for four days! Everyone enjoy the heat, at least here in Knoxville it is so HOT! Happy Summer in just a few days!

God is Good

Happy Saturday, everyone! I have just been relaxing this morning with coffee and Billie. I love Saturday mornings when we have nothing we have to do. Although, I really need to be cleaning my house! That will happen a little later this morning. I am done with school now for the summer, that is the best feeling ever! I have nothing except my family to worry about every evening and weekend. I am studying to take the GRE, I have that scheduled for August 3, so I do have some studying still, but it is different and doesn't seem as "pressing" as when I am preparing for an exam at school. Probably because I am a procrastinator and I have almost two months to prepare! But since it really tests you on a lifetime of knowledge, I probably can't "study" that much, it is more about practicing my test taking skills and familiarizing myself with the format. Billie has soccer camp next week at UT, and she is excited about that.

I woke up missing my boys so much this morning. Yesterday I read a blog of one of my good friends that also had beautiful conjoined twins that passed away shortly after birth. It was a flash back of the day they found out their girls were conjoined. I read it on my lunch break, and I sat out in the gazebo at work and just let myself think and cry. Sometimes I think that is so good for me. I tend to push my memories and thoughts into the back of my head to "deal with later" and then never pull them back out. I sat there after reading it and let my mind wonder the to day we found out our boys were conjoined. I tried to remember how it felt. I remember going in so happy and excited, and leaving 8 hours later exhausted and filled with panic. How can something so wonderful turn so bad? We were so hopeful, though. I just knew they would have two hearts and be separable. We then had the task of telling our family and friends. We left my car there, since we had driven both cars that day, with plans for Matt to bring someone back later to get it. Matt called his best friend, Danny, and asked him to drop everything and come over and I called Kellee and asked the same. They both did it without asking any questions and were here within minutes. It was so hard to say out loud at first. There is nothing in the whole world that could have prepared us or our loved ones for the news that we were having conjoined twins. We are so blessed to have such wonderful and supportive friends and family surrounding us. They carried us through that time. God put the people we needed in our lives way before we would have the boys, just to support us through that time. God is so good! Like my friend Vanessa said yesterday, our lives are now split into two time periods; before we found out about the boys, and after. I guess that is true with any "big" thing that happens in your life. I still say things like, "That was before Michael got sick." or "before Billie was born." And even "before I met Matt." If you have read "The Shack," you know that he judges time by "The great sadness" and while I read that book I kept thinking that I have two periods in my life like that: the day I found out Michael was sick, and the day I found out my boys were conjoined. Those two days changed my life forever. But I still do not have any regrets. I still love the person God has created in me, and I know that all I have been through is part of God's plan. God is good. He is always good. Even when I do not understand or like it, I will hold on to my faith in God's plan for my life and that he knows what he is doing.

Billie's Piano Recital- the video

Hopefully this works. Enjoy! Thanks to Matt for filming and editing and making it a web-friendly video for me!