Harper Loves Her Brothers

This just happened yesterday and after, I thought I should share it with you all.  We have pictures of the boys hanging over the changing table in Harper's room - it was Joshua and Caleb's room first and we just can't take them down.  She points to them a lot and smiles and jibber-jabbers.  Yesterday as I was changing her she pointed and said what sounded like "Baby Joshua and Caleb." At first I thought I just heard what I wanted to hear, but Billie - who was in her room down the hall- said "It sounded like she said 'Joshua and Caleb!" And then later in the day I was changing her again and Matt was talking to her and she pointed at the pictures and again said "Baby Joshua and Caleb!" Matt just looked at me and said "Did she just...?" I was like "Yes, I really think that is exactly what she is saying." What is so funny, is he was asking her at the time "Harper, who's your favorite man in this house?" Ever since we brought her home I have felt like I see recognition in her eyes when she sees their picture.  I am sure I am wishing some of that, but she always smiles at them and points to them and jibber-jabbers at them.  I guess I just find it comforting that before she was born she knew them, and that maybe they had a part in her early success when it was so hard and almost impossible for her to survive.  There were so many times in the beginning that she was on the brink, heart rate disastrously low, O2 levels in the tank, nurses bagging her and pleading with her "Come on, Harper!" I like to think they were there cheering her on telling her to quit clamping down, to allow the precious oxygen into her lungs. All of this is to say, Harper loves her brothers and they will always be an important part of our family and of our lives.  I am so thankful for the opportunity to be their mommy, and it was yesterday when Harper was pointing at them that I felt a little more like I am their mommy.

To update you on Harper's progress - she is up to 15 pounds 4 oz! Not walking yet, but crawling everywhere, pulling up and cruising.  She has three teeth, and three more on the way.  She says about 6-10 words, sleeps through the night, waves, claps, dances, knows 6 different signs, feeds herself and just last night took a sippy cup for the first time! She is developing in leaps and bounds, she may be a little delayed still but she is catching up quickly.  She is still tiny, but she is growing and with the way she is now eating solid foods I am sure she will continue to make strides here.  She doesn't want to be spoon fed, little Miss Independent wants to feed herself.  She will eat almost anything she can pick up and put in her mouth, though, unless it is meat or a green vegetable.  She will, however, eat Tuna! We are still working on the veggies, but she will at least eat spinach and any orange veggie so that is a huge improvement.  She will devour any fruit or grain.  She still chokes a lot, but I have calmed down and we just work through most of them without assistance.  She is so happy all of the time, she is just a real pleasure and blessing.

Billie is doing great in middle school! She got 4 A's and 3 B's on her report card.  She had a rough start finding her place and making friends, but now she has settled in and is enjoying it much more.  Soccer season is almost over, she is playing for the middle school and she loves it and loves her team mates.  They have a big tournament this weekend and then the season is over.  She is maturing so much, the changes she has made this year (6th grade) remind me of the changes she made in Kindergarten.  It was like she went to school a baby one day, and came home a little girl back then. She went to 6th grade a little girl and has turned into a young woman right before my eyes.  Wednesday night we had company over to watch game one of the World Series.  I had made dinner and had everyone eat while I put the baby to bed.  As I was rocking Harper, I could hear someone doing the dishes and assumed it was Matt. I was so surprised when I walked out of the nursery and saw Billie at the sink!  She had taken it upon herself to do the dinner dishes, no one asked her to do it, she just did it because she wanted to.  It was so sweet and such a wonderful surprise for this momma! I am so proud of her. 

 Matt and I are good, but  we are each having surgery in the coming month and can use your prayers.  Matt has a shoulder surgery and I have to have my hernia repaired again because it has failed. Matt will be down for about two weeks, or at least in a sling for two weeks and then he should be feeling much better.   He has had a lot of pain from his shoulder and he is actually looking forward to getting relief from that pain. Please pray that all goes well with the surgery and he gets great results.  He loves to golf, and if his shoulder pain continues or worsens, he will have to give it up and that would break his heart.  I will have a longer recovery, but it has to be done so I am just going to suck it up and do it.  Please pray I am not it the extreme pain I was in with the last hernia surgery, and that this one doesn't fail.  They are going in surgically this time instead of laparoscopic like last time, and they will not just be putting in the mesh but they will be putting in an additional mesh and also pulling the muscles together to close the hole. Sounds miserable to me, that's why when he offered this option the first time around I chose the other laparoscopic option instead.  Of course, hind sight being what it is, I wish I had just gone this route back in January when I had the original hernia surgery. Hopefully I will be back to myself in 4-6 weeks, only better because the hernia will be repaired once and for all.

Thanks for you love, prayers, and support ~ Crystal

No-Nap Harper

I thought you might get a kick out of this video.  I already posted it on Facebook, so if you are among my FB friends you may have already watched this.  I had put Harper down for a nap and she cried like she usually does and then got quiet.  I thought she was settling down to go to sleep, but then I heard her crying with that tone that says "something might be wrong."  I picked up the video monitor and peaked at her and at first had a hard time figuring out what I saw, then I grabbed my camera and ran in there.  It was so funny I had to laugh, which made her laugh, and then she cried some more.  Needless to say, there was no nap had that day.  Enjoy...

International Conjoined Twins Day

Joshua And Caleb

August 21.  Today.  International Conjoined Twins Day.  It's something that parents and families of conjoined twins have put together and are trying to get passed as an actual day.  They picked 8 (August) because if you turn an 8 on it's side, it is the symbol for infinity - our families are infinitely joined because of the bond we share, just as our children are bonded with their twin. 21 is the symbol for 2 people, 1 body. I love that.  I have said so many times I wonder if Joshua and Caleb are conjoined in heave.  I choose to believe they are.  But I have had so many people over the years tell me there is no way they could be, because (in their opinion) heaven is perfect and without sin and they feel cojoined-ness (my made up word, don't you love it?!) isn't perfect. But I am here to tell you they were so perfect I can't even put into words how perfect they were, are.  And as much as I love love love them, God loves them infinitely more.  So why would he choose to send them to me in such a perfect form only to separate them in heaven?  They were not separable.  They shared a heart.  You can't split a heart.  They shared a lung, can't split that either.  The rest may or may not have been separable but their chest was so tiny it wasn't even big enough to make a chest for just one of them, should we have considered separation at any time in the future. Now I know God can do all things, heaven is perfect, and we do not need our Earth bodies in heaven.  But since I really can't wrap my mind around any of that, I see Joshua and Caleb as I saw them here. The same way I see Michael in heaven, or my grandparents.  Although I sometimes (usually) see them older and bigger. I mean they are 4 years old, right? But I always picture them conjoined, I can not see them any other way.  I am not claiming to know one single thing about heaven or how it will be or what we will see and do (other than I know we will be in the presence of Jesus but how that presence will work I have not a clue) but in my opinion, the boys are still conjoined.  Today is about celebrating.  Celebrating those conjoined twins who have passed on, those that are still here and still conjoined, and celebrating those that have been separated, too! There is a new reality show coming to TLC on August 28 and you can be sure I will be tuning in, at least for the first episode.  It is  Abby & Brittany who are conjoined twins and are about to graduate from college.  I just pray it is done right.  They have been pretty private until the last few years, so I hope this will just be something that gives them a nice way to make ends meet and doesn't make them look like a circus act.  From the preview it looks like it will be done tastefully and I usually like TLC - minus a few shows.  That's my take on today and conjoined twins and just so you know, this day is easy and fun and not hard like their birthday.  I guess because I am celebrating what gave me them in the first place.  If they hadn't been conjoined it would have just been another pregnancy like everyone else.  But they were special and I was special because I was blessed to be their mommy.  Their birthday is not only the day they were born, but also the day I lost them and I can't separate the two, just like I can't separate Joshua and Caleb.

JC Stitches

Blowing a kiss, I think to the cat!

Kitty, Kitty, Kitty

Just a few pictures of my latest creation, Witchy Shoes for Halloween!

Hey guys.  I am working on growing my business, JC Stitches.  If you wouldn't mind, can you jump over to that blog and follow it for me?  Here is the link to it: JC Stitches I started creating sweet baby clothes, burp clothes, dolls, napkins, and other cute gift items and I am working hard at adding new things every week.  It is all hand made by me and super cute and one-of-a-kind, too! I will create something special just for you if you don't see something there that interests you.  And you certainly do not have to buy anything, just follow my blog to help me get the word out there about my shop! This is just a way for me to help subsidize our income for special things like vacations and extra curricular stuff for the girls. Thanks to you all for your support, it really means a lot to me. 

Mourning Something That Never Was

I just need to get this off my chest and then maybe I can finally move on.  I am not nearly as thankful for my many blessings as I should be, or as I pretend to be.  I secretly think angry, selfish thoughts ALL THE TIME! It makes me crabby with my family, and it robs me of the happiness I should be enjoying. I am still mourning the end of my pregnancy I never got to experience.  I am still mourning that I didn't get to really nurse Harper the way I wanted to.  I am still mourning that I am no longer able to bear more children. Of course I am still mourning Joshua and Caleb, but that is OK. They were real and beautiful and perfect and taken way to soon. But the other stuff that I feel robbed of never was mine to begin with.  What is wrong with me? I am so blessed.  I have two amazing children.  I was witness to an awesome daily miracle while Harper was struggling just to survive all those months in the NICU.  I get to witness daily her amazing accomplishments - I can't even tell she was a micro preemie except for her size! She is healthy, happy, and thriving.  SO why do I still find myself crying over my losses?  Why do I feel like a failure because my uterus gave up at 24 weeks? Why do I feel like a failure because Harper refused to nurse after 6 months? Why do I feel like less of a women because I can't have more children? That ship was about to sail anyway, I am almost 40 years old! So it is time to be honest with myself, accept what I can not change, and move on.  None of it was actually my fault - even though it was my body that failed.  I could not have done anything different to keep my uterus from rupturing.  I wish I could have, but God had a plan and He was in control.  Thankfully, God kept Harper safe and allowed her to grow and get healthy with the help of the nurses and doctors in the NICU. Why isn't that enough for me?  Some people never get to even have one child, I have two healthy children.  I should just be so thankful for my many blessings.  Don't get me wrong, I am thankful and I am thankful every day.  But it is just that there is always that little voice in the back of my mind that says "But...you don't get to have more." or
"But...you should have made it to 40 weeks." or "But...you never really got her to nurse well." So how do I shut that voice up for good? I have stifled it, quieted it, but it always comes back and makes me feel terrible. I feel terrible about myself for being less than I should be, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way because deep down I know it is wrong and stupid.  But I still feel that way.  I wish at the end of this blog I could tell you how I figured it all out and I have this amazing answer for how to fix it for good, but I haven't.  I know that I pray about it.  I know that when I see others struggling with horrible problems, my feelings of inadequacy are pushed aside. I am able to celebrate others accomplishments and those of my family and myself. And I have truly happy, thankful feelings.  It's not like this consumes me or my every thought.  It's is just this nagging feeling that comes and goes.  Some days it is stronger than others. Sometimes when I see a very pregnant women, I feel jealous - how awful is that?! And when strangers say "You don't even look like you just had a baby!" it makes me angry, my answer is either "thank you," or "Well, I was only pregnant for 24 weeks - I didn't get a chance to get big." But that just sounds like sour grapes so I try not to say it, unless I am having a bad day and I can't fight the urge. I guess that is it, I just have sour grapes and I need to get over it permanently and quit feeling sorry for myself and quit mourning what was never mine to begin with.  We have no guarantees in life.  I don't deserve anything more than I have.  I actually deserve a lot less- I deserve nothing.  I am not worthy. I am but a sinner and God has given me grace (Harper Grace) and saved my wretched soul. This all could have ended so much worse - I could have lost not only my uterus but also my bladder or bowels, my sweet baby, my life. So no more pity party, no more feeling sorry for myself. No more mourning something that never was. Maybe my confession will bring healing and acceptance and I can finally move on.  We are coming up on my due date, and Harper's corrected one year birthday. It only took me a year to come to my senses.  Could be worse. So I forgive myself, and ask God to also forgive me. I accept what I can not change and what was never my fault to begin with. I just need to put my big girl pants on, grow up, quit being a baby. Easier said than done, but I am no longer going to let myself live in the past when my future is so bright. I am going to live for today and hope for tomorrow. God's grace is sufficient for me.  I need to practice what I preach and stop pretending. I shared at Harper's baptism last Sunday the verse that God gave me the week before I had Joshua and Caleb, 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 "For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee:for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong." Sometimes I let myself forget that God has this, He has a plan, and He is always good. Temporary insanity, temporary selfishness. Luckily God is good and He forgives me and loves me through it.  

Harper's Baptism

We had an awesome experience this past Sunday in Johnson City at the church where Matt grew up.  We had Harper baptized! It was wonderful and beautiful and I will post pictures of it later.  We made a video to show of Harper's amazing 1st year and I thought you might enjoy seeing it, too. 

My Crazy Climber

So, Harper decided she had enough of nap time and climbed out of her crib today.  And fell all the way to the floor.  It was terrifying for me.  I heard the fall and went running.  It was hard to get there fast enough. Then when I got into her room, I could hear her screaming but I couldn't find her anywhere! So then I started screaming "Harper, where are you? Mommy can't find you!" I at first started to pull the crib out but then was afraid I would set it on top of her.  Then I decided I would just climb over it. So as I hiked my leg up to crawl in and then back out on the other side, I saw her out of the corner of my eye in between the wall and the side of the crib to my left, under her huge stuffed zebra.  She was looking up at me like "Here I am Mommy!" she stopped crying as soon as I dragged her out and picked her up.  I was shaking and crying still.  I stripped her down and checked every where for a sign of injury.  She seemed fine, and even though I am still worried, I think she is fine.  I went back in later to investigate and I think I figured out how she did it, and even though the mattress is low enough, we will be lowering it to the lowest possible setting tonight when Matt gets home. And taking anything that was close or in the crib, like her mobile which is how I think she got out, away from her reach.  We really dodged a bullet.  Thank God for watching over her and keeping her safe and injury free.  I just keep thinking she could have hanged herself, or broken her neck, or injured her brain. But God is good and she is just fine. She is probably not getting a nap today, but hopefully we can fix the problem and make her crib safe for her again later today.  Billie was twice her size and never once climbed out of her crib, the exact same crib - I am using Billie's crib for Harper.  Now we know how she survived being so tiny at birth - she was born a fighter and I just have to be thankful she was! So to try to give her a nap, I put up the pack and play in her room and I have the video monitor set up so I can watch her because, of course, I am scared to death to let her get out of my sight now! Below is the video of her pulling herself up by her little teeny tiny hands, all the way until she is head an shoulders above the top rail! This baby can do chin ups! She is only 24 inches tall and 13 lbs 13 oz!! Boy, am I in trouble! Thank you God for the blessing of Harper Grace, my little monkey!

 

(It's a video of the monitor, so it isn't great quality, but it still tells the story!)