Happy 3rd Birthday Joshua and Caleb!

Harper is getting in on the celebration today with her very own T-shirt to honor her big brother's memory! Joshua and Caleb are 3 years old today. I made Harper this onsie yesterday and it felt good to do something for my sweet miracle daughter and honor my miracle twin boys at the same time. Today we are planning on taking balloons to the cemetery. I got a very cute and very large Curious George balloon and a cupcake balloon. During my surgery with the boys our anesthesiologist, Roger, played the Jack Johnson soundtrack from the movie Curious George. When I hear Jack Johnson's voice, I immediately go back to that day and the minute Dr. Bruner held the boys up over the curtain to show me my miracle twin boys. Then they were whisked away to the next room with the team from Children's including Dr. Howick, Yevonne, Dawn, Tracey and several other sweet angels that spent an hour loving and caring for our boys. We have heard the stories from some of those that were there that day. I love hearing from them and knowing the little details of my boy's short life, especially the part of it that I was not there for. Joshua and Caleb made such an impact on everyone that came into contact with them, and even those that only heard about them. It was truly marvelous and miraculous to hear about how they touched people. I am so proud of my boys and what they did for me and for others. I still wish I could hold them and kiss them, play with them and tuck them into bed at night, but I know they are perfect in Heaven and that is exactly where they are supposed to be. To be in the presence of Jesus is ultimately what I want for all of my children, and my boys just got to be there now. Today I will feel a little sorry for myself and miss them a little more, but I will also remind myself of how happy they are in the arms of the Lord and how blessed I am to have two miraculous daughters to hold here and two miracle twin boys watching over us. It is hard to believe it has been three long years since I held them, but it is also hard to believe it has only been three years since I held them. If I close my eyes, usually I can picture them in my arms, but it gets harder to remember how they felt in my arms as time goes by. I still long to kiss their sweet heads and hold them close. I would have given anything for them to just survive, but I know how hard their lives would have been. No one wants that for their children. As I have said before, I wonder if they are separated in Heaven or still conjoined. Sometimes I wonder if they are both - together when they want to be, and separate when they want to be. One day I will know and I will hold them and kiss them and never let them go again. Until then, I will take solace that they are in the arms of Jesus and He loves them much more than I ever could. Happy Birthday Joshua and Caleb, we miss you and love you...