I just need to get this off my chest and then maybe I can finally move on. I am not nearly as thankful for my many blessings as I should be, or as I pretend to be. I secretly think angry, selfish thoughts ALL THE TIME! It makes me crabby with my family, and it robs me of the happiness I should be enjoying. I am still mourning the end of my pregnancy I never got to experience. I am still mourning that I didn't get to really nurse Harper the way I wanted to. I am still mourning that I am no longer able to bear more children. Of course I am still mourning Joshua and Caleb, but that is OK. They were real and beautiful and perfect and taken way to soon. But the other stuff that I feel robbed of never was mine to begin with. What is wrong with me? I am so blessed. I have two amazing children. I was witness to an awesome daily miracle while Harper was struggling just to survive all those months in the NICU. I get to witness daily her amazing accomplishments - I can't even tell she was a micro preemie except for her size! She is healthy, happy, and thriving. SO why do I still find myself crying over my losses? Why do I feel like a failure because my uterus gave up at 24 weeks? Why do I feel like a failure because Harper refused to nurse after 6 months? Why do I feel like less of a women because I can't have more children? That ship was about to sail anyway, I am almost 40 years old! So it is time to be honest with myself, accept what I can not change, and move on. None of it was actually my fault - even though it was my body that failed. I could not have done anything different to keep my uterus from rupturing. I wish I could have, but God had a plan and He was in control. Thankfully, God kept Harper safe and allowed her to grow and get healthy with the help of the nurses and doctors in the NICU. Why isn't that enough for me? Some people never get to even have one child, I have two healthy children. I should just be so thankful for my many blessings. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful and I am thankful every day. But it is just that there is always that little voice in the back of my mind that says "But...you don't get to have more." or
"But...you should have made it to 40 weeks." or "But...you never really got her to nurse well." So how do I shut that voice up for good? I have stifled it, quieted it, but it always comes back and makes me feel terrible. I feel terrible about myself for being less than I should be, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way because deep down I know it is wrong and stupid. But I still feel that way. I wish at the end of this blog I could tell you how I figured it all out and I have this amazing answer for how to fix it for good, but I haven't. I know that I pray about it. I know that when I see others struggling with horrible problems, my feelings of inadequacy are pushed aside. I am able to celebrate others accomplishments and those of my family and myself. And I have truly happy, thankful feelings. It's not like this consumes me or my every thought. It's is just this nagging feeling that comes and goes. Some days it is stronger than others. Sometimes when I see a very pregnant women, I feel jealous - how awful is that?! And when strangers say "You don't even look like you just had a baby!" it makes me angry, my answer is either "thank you," or "Well, I was only pregnant for 24 weeks - I didn't get a chance to get big." But that just sounds like sour grapes so I try not to say it, unless I am having a bad day and I can't fight the urge. I guess that is it, I just have sour grapes and I need to get over it permanently and quit feeling sorry for myself and quit mourning what was never mine to begin with. We have no guarantees in life. I don't deserve anything more than I have. I actually deserve a lot less- I deserve nothing. I am not worthy. I am but a sinner and God has given me grace (Harper Grace) and saved my wretched soul. This all could have ended so much worse - I could have lost not only my
uterus but also my bladder or bowels, my sweet baby, my life. So no more pity party, no more feeling sorry for myself. No more mourning something that never was. Maybe my confession will bring healing and acceptance and I can finally move on. We are coming up on my due date, and Harper's corrected one year birthday. It only took me a year to come to my senses. Could be worse. So I forgive myself, and ask God to also forgive me. I accept what I can not change and what was never my fault to begin with. I just need to put my big girl pants on, grow up, quit being a baby. Easier said than done, but I am no longer going to let myself live in the past when my future is so bright. I am going to live for today and hope for tomorrow. God's grace is sufficient for me. I need to practice what I preach and stop pretending. I shared at Harper's baptism last Sunday the verse that God gave me the week before I had Joshua and Caleb, 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 "For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee:for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong." Sometimes I let myself forget that God has this, He has a plan, and He is always good. Temporary insanity, temporary selfishness. Luckily God is good and He forgives me and loves me through it.
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End of Summer
6 years ago
2 comments:
I don't have children but I can totally and completely understand this. I had an emergency hysterectomy that took away my chance of ever having a baby. At that point in my life, I didn't think I wanted children. To be honest, I'm not even sure I would want them now. But I went through a stage of feeling angry just because that option had been taken from me. I love children, don't get me wrong. I was so good with kids my whole life people just assumed I would have a dozen of my own. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like and get a little angry again. I think the worst part is that you had this just suddenly forced upon you. It wasn't a slow reckoning. I completely understand.
Oh, sweet friend, I am SO there with you.. The guilt never fully goes away, or it hasn't for me, and I don't know that we will ever fully get rid of it. It was soooo not your fault or even your body's.. But I know how empty and placating that sounds. That's how it sounds when people say it to me. A great friend told me she still feels guilty from a pregnany loss over 5 years ago.. She gave me the best advice.. You know in your mind it's not your fault but your heart may never accept that, so, you learn to ignore the guilt most days and it comes back less and less. That may be all we can ever hope for. I know that's not a warm and fuzzy and it's certainly not along the lines of "I am the master of my emotions..", but it made me feel less guilty about the guilt. It's a natural response and it's ok that we feel responsible. We're moms and that's what we do. I didn't feel quite so damaged / broken when she told me that.. Maybe it will help you, too.
I am also working on the mourning of my pregnancy.. I know we've talked about it before, and I want you to know I still struggle with very pregnant people and only go to showers if I absolutely have to.. And I avoid new baby hospital visits like the plague. Simply can't do it. It's not even that I'm jealous.. It just makes it hurt more.
All of that is to say.. I have no answers but you aren't alone. I think what we're feeling is normal and doesn't make us any less thankful. We ARE very blessed, but we are also mommies who have been through great trauma. I think you're doing great!! Love you!
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