Family Pictures

We had family pictures made Saturday. We had a very good time, and got great pictures! We took everyone, even both dogs, to UT Gardens. It was a beautiful setting, and we beat the storm by about 10 minutes! We got so lucky.

To update everyone on Billie's time at Camp Wesley Woods-- She had a blast! She was already planning to go next year on the car ride home. Her favorite parts were the rock climbing wall and the camp out. I only heard of the camp out after I had dropped her off and it made me worry. My friend said her daughter hated it; they don't sleep in a tent, they have a tarp they throw over a rope strung between two trees and lay one down on the ground for the "floor." I was so worried it would rain or storm and that she might be scared. Now when we camp, we use a tent so she has been "real camping," and only "real camping." But you all know me well enough to know I have to worry about something, so I worried about that. I guess God showed me; making it her FAVORITE part of the whole week. Not the horses, not the swimming, not being with 13 girls her own age, but the camp out that I fretted over the whole time. I don't know why I can't stop worrying, but I am going to continue to work on it. Billie loved camp; she loved all the bible study and learning about Jesus she got to do, that was also a favorite part for her. She was very glad they spent a lot of time learning about the Lord. She also loved all the camp songs and has been singing them to me since she got home. I am so glad she had such a good time. That is a wonderful experience for her, and I am so thankful she got to do it.

I am taking the GRE tomorrow. I am so not ready, but I am scheduled so I will be taking it. Wish me luck. I have no idea how I will do, but I don't expect to do too well this first time. I will hopefully use it as a learning experience, and take it again in a few months to improve my score. Or maybe I will just get lucky and guess right! HEHE, I realize I am not a lucky person; so I plan on taking it twice.

I will let you know how it went, but no laughing at me behind my back!

Billie's Fist Time at Camp

Billie has been at camp this week, her first time at "sleep-over" camp. She comes home tomorrow, and I am ready! We got a letter from her yesterday; it said "Dear Matt and Mommy, I got your letter you sent me. I love you you are so cool. Love, Billie" And she drew a little picture for us, too. So sweet, and so frustrating. I so wanted to hear how camp was! Was she hot at night, did she fall in love with her horse, has she made a new "BFF," how is the food, how is your counselor?! I suppose I should have maybe told her something like that before she went, I just assumed she would write a letter explaining something about her experience at camp. I was so disappointed last night when I read the letter, I almost cried. But Matt was quick to remind me that if she didn't say "Help!" or "Come get me," she was probably having the time of her life. Tomorrow can't get here fast enough for me. I am so glad she was able to go, and I know she has had a great time, but it is hard not hearing from her. The letter yesterday did help a little, but, like I said, it wasn't enough information for me! I will try to blog Saturday and share her experience with you all.

Before and After

Before:

After:

We tried to grow grass several times. It was always pretty nice in the middle of the yard, but around the fence and in the corners it was yucky, muddy, moldy and messy. So this was a super fix for us. We planted juniper, knock-out roses, spirea, burning bushes, rhododendron and a couple different trees. Then we dug a trench and put a border in to keep the rocks in, and we finally put pea gravel in over everything. We still need to do something under the deck where grass just won't grow. Our yard is tiny, so we really want to put something green in there. Any suggestions anyone has will be greatly appreciated. We have thought of placing some pea gravel there or even pavers, just to keep the dogs from getting muddy, but we hesitate to change the illusion of a bigger yard by covering up all the green under there. We have also batted around the idea of some kind of ground cover like a low evergreen, or ivy. Whatever it is has to be able to grow in deep shade. We love our "new" back yard. It is so nice to be back there. I can't wait for the weather to cool off a little now so we can also enjoy it in the day, not just evening and morning. Every plant was planted in honor of the boys birthday, and it makes me feel so good to have given life to something in their memory, even if it was only plants. It just feels good to be doing something positive. There is always that little nagging urge to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and just wallow in my grief and I am so glad I am able to turn that into such a positive thing for my family to enjoy for years to come. We have to be out there several times a day with the new puppy, so it might as well be a pleasing place to be!

Update on Billie's Ears: All is well! She is all better from the infection and the swimmer's ear is all cleared up, too. We took her to the Audiologist and while she does have tiny bit of hearing loss, it should repair itself on it's own and quickly. The doctor said she has "selective hearing loss" which we already knew, anyway! He cleared her to swim and enjoy the rest of her summer!

Billie goes to camp soon. I can't believe I am letting her go for 5 days! But she has a friend from church going with her and I know she is going to have a blast. Let's just hope I survive the week!

On a sad note, today is the anniversary of Michael's death. I will find time to sneak over to the cemetery, but I do not mark it in Billie's memory. I want her to have positive thoughts of her Daddy, so we celebrate his birthday and Father's Day and not his death. Who knows if I am doing the right thing, but I know I promised him I would always keep his memory alive, and marking his death just doesn't feel like I am doing that; it makes me sad and why would I want to make Billie sad? She already misses him without me saying a word. I will probably hug her more today and talk about her daddy more today, but I will not tell her why. Of course if she asked anything about his death, I would always be honest with her. When she thinks of her Daddy I want it to be happy memories, and I know that is what he wanted for her, too.

Better Pictures of the Cupcakes

Ok, so the posting of the blog from my phone worked ok, but not the pictures so much. I thought you might want to see better pictures of them, so here you go!

Birthday Cupcakes

Just a quick post to share the cupcakes we made to celebrate the boys birthday with. I'm not sure how good the picture will show up, but there are crocs, hippos, koi and reed- supposed to be like things you find in the river in Africa. I know koi aren't in Africa, but it was the easiest kind of fish to make! And the reed is probably found more in the ocean but I thought it would look cute. We are headed to the lake to be with Brian and Cathie and celebrate with them. I am actually posting this from my phone. This is my first time using this app, so I have no idea how it will look or work. But I think it's so cool that I can now blog from anywhere! It's slower, though, typing on the phone so they will have to be shorter posts. I'm sure I will have plenty of typos, so don't hold it against me.
Last night we had my mom and Danny over for dinner. We had a great time. We were excited to share with them Blue and our newly revamped back yard. It was a fun evening. Now on to the lake for more fun and the finally to our birthday festivities. We plan on continuing the tradition Amy started last year and writing messages to the boys on balloons and sending them up to sky. I am so thankful to God for helping us heal and giving us the strength and ability to remember and honor Joshua and Caleb without sadness and longing. God is good all of the time.

Posted from Blogium for iPhone

Happy 2nd Birthday Joshua and Caleb

Happy Birthday Joshua and Caleb! I can't believe it has been two years, (or it will be around 4:30 today) that I held my beautiful miracle twin boys! I know I have said this before, but on one hand it seems like yesterday and on the other it seems like a lifetime ago. The good thing is we have healed so much since July 15, 2008. Yesterday Billie and I made this wreath and we are going to take it out to the cemetery later today. I don't know if you can tell, but I hand painted each little letter to look like African animal print. It turned out really cute! It was very fun to make, and it kept me busy yesterday while Matt was at work. It is good to keep me busy, then I am not able to get too sad. I don't want to get sad this birthday, I want to stay positive and count my many blessings. Billie and I also completely transformed our back yard yesterday. I will put before and after pictures up tomorrow or this weekend. We planted shrubs and roses in memory of Joshua and Caleb. This is a surprise to Matt. He hasn't seen it yet, since he got home yesterday after dark and it just wouldn't look good in the dark, we are making him wait until this morning to look at it. We have to be back there a lot now to walk the puppy on a leash, and I really thought we would enjoy it much better if it was pretty back there. We have a little more work to do, somethings that I couldn't do without Matt's help, but once that is done it will be our own little haven to go and sit and relax in. It turned out really good, and I am very proud of it. That said, I have an aching back this morning and blisters and cuts all over my hands! Every rose has it's thorn, and they got me - several times! But it was worth it. I have wanted to do something back there since I moved in four years ago, but I just kept procrastinating. Now we can think of Joshua and Caleb's second birthday while we enjoy the pretty back yard. That also kept me very busy yesterday, and I woke up this morning just feeling excited and happy. I feel so close to the boys today - it's such an awesome feeling! I know I am OK. I am where I should be. I am out of "The Great Sadness." If you haven't read The Shack, you need to. He talks about his "Great Sadness" in the book, and I was able to recall two periods in my life that fall into that category: losing Michael, and losing Joshua and Caleb. It took me 3 years to come out of it after Michael's death, and it has only taken me 2 years with the boys. That is an improvement, at least. Part of it I know is because I have Matt to share my grief with. When Michael died I had lots of support and loved ones that were also grieving his loss, but no one that had been his wife and I didn't have my best friend there to cry on his shoulder. He was gone. He felt so out of reach; I felt absolutely separated from him. When the boys died, I had Matt that was feeling their loss the same way that I was. I could tell him what I was feeling, and he was feeling the same thing. It just helped so much to have someone there that really was going through the exact same thing as me. I am sure going through the loss of my husband also made me stronger and better able to deal with the loss of my sons, too. So I guess I have Michael and Matt both to thank for helping me through the loss of my sons. God has blessed me so much with wonderful men to love me whole-hearted. So today I will count my blessings: Michael, Matt, Billie, Joshua and Caleb. There are many other blessings in my life; like my wonderful family, and both of my in-laws who are my family, as well, and I will take today to thank God for each and everyone. If you are reading this and you are in this list, know that I love you so much and I am so thankful for you in my life.

Today we will go to the cemetery and then we are going to Elkmont. I am making us a picnic lunch and we are taking Blue with us, too. It is going to be a great family day, and we are going to celebrate it and be happy. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOSHUA AND CALEB! I love you with all my heart.

Biblical Namesakes of Joshua and Caleb

Today I thought I would share with you an excerpt of the funeral message given by Dr. Crocker. This part of the service is where he explained why we named the boys Joshua and Caleb...

"You recognize that Joshua and Caleb were named for biblical characters by those names. This was not simply a case of names that sounded good but names that represented people who demonstrated extraordinary faith. Their stories are told in the Old Testament.

Joshua and Caleb were part of a team of 12 men sent into Canaan before the people of Israel occupied that land. Their job was to recon the land and report to Moses and the people what they found. Ten of the 12 reported back that the people were massive and they lived in fortified cities and Israel would never be able to conquer the Canaanites. But Joshua and Caleb had a different view. They agreed that it wouldn't be easy, but they were confident that God who brought them out of Egypt and safely to the borders of Canaan would also give them strength and wisdom to prevail. However, the people went with the majority report and turned back and, as a result, spent an additional 40 years in the desert.

For his faith and trust in God, Joshua was appointed by Moses to succeed him in leading the people, so that when they returned to Canaan, it was Joshua who led them in their conquest of that territory. To this day Joshua is known as one of the more faithful, courageous, and successful leaders of the Hebrew people.

Caleb was among the people when they moved into and took the land away from the fierce Canaanites. When it came time to divide the land among the people, Caleb pulled Joshua aside. I can just see him with his arm around Joshua's shoulders saying something like this: 'Joshua, do you remember when we came here as spies? And do you remember what we told Moses and the people about how God would give us this land? Well, that is precisely what has happened. And do you remember what Moses said to us? He said that one day we would live in the land we saw. He said our trust in the Lord would pay off for us one day. Well, Joshua, here we are. See that mountain in the distance? I saw that mountain 40 years ago and I haven't stopped thinking about it. Joshua, I want that mountain! When you parcel out the land, give me that mountain. I know there are powerful people living there, but I am confident that God will give that land to me. God promised it to me and now I've come back to receive what he promised to give!'

Joshua and Caleb are still worthy models for God's people not because they were leaders but because they trusted God totally. In naming their sons Joshua and Caleb, Matt and Crystal set a course for themselves throughout the remainder of their journey to trust God totally. And every time they have said their names, they were reminded of the crucial importance of trusting God throughout, and that is precisely what they have done."

Dr. Crocker was right. Every time I speak their names, even today, I am reminded of how we are called to trust God completely. And God was so faithful and good, he didn't let us down. Maybe it didn't play out the way I was praying it would, but God saw us through it and we are stronger people individually and as a couple because of God.

As some of you know, we have had more losses in the form of early miscarriages since the boys were born and we have been seeking help from a doctor for this. I will admit there have been days that I have been so bitter and angry that God won't "fix" it for us. But then He always gently reminds me that He has a plan for us, and I just have to trust Him totally. God's timing is perfect as well as His plan. I trust that God has a wonderful plan for our family, and I just have to trust Him totally and watch it unfold. When I think of it that way, I am very excited for what the future holds for me and my wonderful family.

I have been thinking of how excited the boys must be to be turning 2 years old tomorrow. Not only were they born two years ago, but they went home to be with Jesus two years ago. I am certain there will be a HUGE party in heaven to mark the blessed day tomorrow. I am also certain everyone is anxious with anticipation and excitement to celebrate. I can see the boys in my mind with little party hats on, balloons all around, and a magnificent birthday cake with two sets of two candles for each to blow out! I am going to try to take tomorrow and celebrate, and not be sad for my loss, but rejoice in the knowledge that my beautiful two boys that brought so many people to their knees before God are spending their second birthday with Jesus. I have said it before and still mean it, as much as I want to hold them and kiss them, I would never take them away from Jesus to do it. That is where they belong, it is where we all belong eventually. And I will rest in the assurance that one day I will be with them again.