Happy 2nd Birthday Joshua and Caleb

Happy Birthday Joshua and Caleb! I can't believe it has been two years, (or it will be around 4:30 today) that I held my beautiful miracle twin boys! I know I have said this before, but on one hand it seems like yesterday and on the other it seems like a lifetime ago. The good thing is we have healed so much since July 15, 2008. Yesterday Billie and I made this wreath and we are going to take it out to the cemetery later today. I don't know if you can tell, but I hand painted each little letter to look like African animal print. It turned out really cute! It was very fun to make, and it kept me busy yesterday while Matt was at work. It is good to keep me busy, then I am not able to get too sad. I don't want to get sad this birthday, I want to stay positive and count my many blessings. Billie and I also completely transformed our back yard yesterday. I will put before and after pictures up tomorrow or this weekend. We planted shrubs and roses in memory of Joshua and Caleb. This is a surprise to Matt. He hasn't seen it yet, since he got home yesterday after dark and it just wouldn't look good in the dark, we are making him wait until this morning to look at it. We have to be back there a lot now to walk the puppy on a leash, and I really thought we would enjoy it much better if it was pretty back there. We have a little more work to do, somethings that I couldn't do without Matt's help, but once that is done it will be our own little haven to go and sit and relax in. It turned out really good, and I am very proud of it. That said, I have an aching back this morning and blisters and cuts all over my hands! Every rose has it's thorn, and they got me - several times! But it was worth it. I have wanted to do something back there since I moved in four years ago, but I just kept procrastinating. Now we can think of Joshua and Caleb's second birthday while we enjoy the pretty back yard. That also kept me very busy yesterday, and I woke up this morning just feeling excited and happy. I feel so close to the boys today - it's such an awesome feeling! I know I am OK. I am where I should be. I am out of "The Great Sadness." If you haven't read The Shack, you need to. He talks about his "Great Sadness" in the book, and I was able to recall two periods in my life that fall into that category: losing Michael, and losing Joshua and Caleb. It took me 3 years to come out of it after Michael's death, and it has only taken me 2 years with the boys. That is an improvement, at least. Part of it I know is because I have Matt to share my grief with. When Michael died I had lots of support and loved ones that were also grieving his loss, but no one that had been his wife and I didn't have my best friend there to cry on his shoulder. He was gone. He felt so out of reach; I felt absolutely separated from him. When the boys died, I had Matt that was feeling their loss the same way that I was. I could tell him what I was feeling, and he was feeling the same thing. It just helped so much to have someone there that really was going through the exact same thing as me. I am sure going through the loss of my husband also made me stronger and better able to deal with the loss of my sons, too. So I guess I have Michael and Matt both to thank for helping me through the loss of my sons. God has blessed me so much with wonderful men to love me whole-hearted. So today I will count my blessings: Michael, Matt, Billie, Joshua and Caleb. There are many other blessings in my life; like my wonderful family, and both of my in-laws who are my family, as well, and I will take today to thank God for each and everyone. If you are reading this and you are in this list, know that I love you so much and I am so thankful for you in my life.

Today we will go to the cemetery and then we are going to Elkmont. I am making us a picnic lunch and we are taking Blue with us, too. It is going to be a great family day, and we are going to celebrate it and be happy. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOSHUA AND CALEB! I love you with all my heart.