God Is Good

I wanted to share this picture, you can see Caleb looking at his Daddy. It is one of my favorites. Isn't it beautiful? Both Joshua and Caleb must have recognized their Daddy's voice, because you can see their eyes turn to the sound of it, each at a separate time. First of all, please let us thank you for your prayers and support once again. The guestbook has been busy, and that warms our hearts so much. We are also getting lots of cards through the mail and it lifts us up and helps us face everything we are having to face. I can tell you this has been the most emotional week we have had in our lives, and I am sure tomorrow will prove the worst of all. As hard as all of this has been, it has been cleansing, too. I am not sure which was harder, buying the cemetery space or writing the obituary. Each day I thought that I wouldn't make it through, but some how in the night I grew stronger and felt more at peace with the dawn of the new morning. God is so amazing and we feel him with us through every step of this process. We yearn for our babies, though. I miss them from this place deep in my soul that I didn't even know was there. I know from experience that I will learn to live with this emptiness and it will feel further away from me as time passes. I can't decide if I want that day to hurry and get here or if I just want it to wait because that puts me further away from the day I held my baby boys. You can not imagine, or maybe you can if you have babies of your own, the wonderful feeling of holding those two boys in my arms. They were warm and tiny and so sweet. When I close my eyes I see their faces, their beautiful faces. Matt sees the same thing. We find comfort in their nursery, praise God for that. It is still the prettiest room in our house! Although Billies room is a close second.

I am sure many of you are wondering how Billie is doing, and you can rest assured that she is doing good. She is the most amazing 7 year old that has ever been, if you ask me and I realize I am biased. She has her moments when she is sad and she misses her brothers, but like any 7 year old she wants to eat ice cream and watch TV and go swimming. She is very worried about Matt and I, and she is able to show her concern. We have let her go with friends and family so she can get away from the constant sorrow that is around us most of the time. I talked to her on the phone last night before she went to bed and she asked me how I was feeling and then she said " I am so glad that tomorrow is Tuesday and you get to get your staples out. I know that you will feel better and walk better when the doctor takes those out." I asked her how she knew and she said that I had told her and she had been counting down the days since then. She was so excited when I told her I had been to the doctor's yesterday and they decided to take my staples out early. Her reaction was priceless and it wasn't so much the words but the true relief in her sweet little voice. God continues to bless us through Billie and we are so thankful for her.

I received a letter from my aunt yesterday and we were truly comforted more than any one letter or card has comforted us and I want to share some of that with you. I am not going to name her so all of my family can now sit and wonder which of my many wonderful aunts it could be! She shared with us something that I never knew, that she and my uncle lost their first child. He only lived for one hour after his birth. She told us that when she searched for answers to the inevitable question of "Why Me," she stumbled upon a hymn that gave her great comfort. I do not know the name of the hymn or who wrote it, but I am still going to quote it here and I hope the writer will forgive me. I am sure a lot of you know the hymn:

"Does Jesus care when I've said 'Good Bye'

To the dearest on earth to me,

And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,

Is it aught to Him? Does He see?

Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,

His heart is touched with my grief;

When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,

I know my Savior Cares."

I know there are so many out there who have also lost babies and know the pain we are going through. I guess it is true that misery loves company, because knowing this about my aunt instantly gave me this feeling of a tighter bond with her and it was like Jesus tied our hearts together with a string because, although my heart ached knowing that she knew my pain, it was also comforted that there had been someone dear to me that had been through this and survived. Knowing that she was able to live through this pain and be OK helped us last night. No one should have to feel this pain, it just isn't fair. I know that God was protecting us, though, in not allowing us to take our babies home. As much as we thought we wanted and needed that, it would have made this a hundred times harder. The more time we had with them, the more we would have wanted. No time would have been enough for us. My heart breaks for all of those parents who have lost not babies but their children. That pain has to be so unbearable, I can not even imagine. As much as our loss hurts, that would be worse. We count our blessings and we are able to see that God is good and is watching over us and taking such good care of us.

For those who do not know, the receiving of friends will be at Central Baptist Church of Fountain City Wednesday, July 23, 2008 from 6 PM to 8 PM with the funeral service immediately following. The graveside service will be Thursday, July 24, 2008 at 11 AM at Lynnhurst Cemetery.