Peace That Passes All Understanding

"Peace that passes all understanding," I had it yesterday morning. I can still remember it, although I do not feel it today. I know it was in me, that God gave it to me, and that he will give it to me again. He will give it to Matt, too. I felt God's hand on my shoulder, and I heard him tell me "Good job." I am trying so hard to live for the Lord, to make God proud of me, to please Him. I have been so sad over the loss of my babies. My arms feel empty and I long to look into their eyes. I never got to look into their eyes or hear them cry. I wish I could go back to those twenty minutes we had with them and do it all over again. I keep finding strength and comfort every time I read my bible, so I have done a lot of that. Yesterday morning, I picked up my bible and prayed. I asked God to give me what I needed. He gave me so much more. I opened my bible to 1Peter and read verse 1-16:
" Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Concerning this salvation, the prophets, who spoke of the grace that was to come to you, searched intently and with the greatest care, trying to find out the time and circumstances to which the Spirit of Christ in them was pointing when he predicted the sufferings of Christ and the glories that that would follow. It was revealed to them that they were not serving themselves but you. when they spoke of the things that have now been told you by those who have preached the gospel to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven. Even angels long to look into these things.
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled;set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do, for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy."
God is good, and I was able to say that yesterday morning and this morning, just as I said I would. I said it out loud to Billie, and explained myself to her before I sat down and read the passage above in my bible. Maybe that is why I felt God was pleased with me, and he let me know.
I am trying not to ask "Why," even though that is very hard not to ask. We wanted God's will from the beginning, and I feel confident that is what we got. I want to be satisfied with that, but I think that will take some time to really feel. Once I have gotten through some of this over whelming grief, then I will truly be able to see God's will and how it touched our lives.
I can tell you this, the "Peace that passes all understanding" is a real thing. You feel it in your bones, and it is a beautiful feeling. I can't wait for the day I get to feel it again. I will keep reading and praying and believing so that I do have it again. I hope everyone gets to feel that at some point in their lives. I never could comprehend what that meant until yesterday. It is beautiful.