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We both woke up this morning feeling so empty. I guess it was good to have something to plan and busy ourselves with over the last few days. This morning we had to face it more. I am sure tomorrow will be even more so. I don't know what to think about this morning's service, and I am scared for it. I know God will get us through it, though, like he did last night.
If you were there last night, then you know how amazing it was. It was even better than I had imagined it would be. Dr. Crocker did a wonderful job, he is so fantastic. He says exactly what is on his heart and he is not afraid and I love that about him, and I miss hearing him on a regular basis so bad. He has supported us every step of the way through this, and he is so dear to both of our hearts. He married us, so I am sure that puts him in a special place by itself, but he always calls us and comes by to see us. Whenever we felt like we were faced with a decision, he would come over and let us talk it out. We kept him here many late nights, we are both LONG WINDED! I suppose it did not bother him too bad, because he kept coming back for more every time we needed him. You thanked us last night, David, but we really need to thank you.
We also want to to thank the choir. We were absolutely blown away when we walked in and saw a full choir. The song was beautiful and it was so good to have you leading us in the other songs. Dr. Bill Davis was wonderful, too. I kept thinking as I was standing there that it didn't even feel like we were at a funeral. If the casket had not been in the front of the room, I could have told myself we weren't at a funeral and I would have believed it.
I was so scared when we started last night, I was trembling in fear. I have only done that a few times in my life, the most recent being going into the surgery on the 15th. It always surprises me when I do that, tremble in fear. Usually it is when I have not even been aware that I was so scared. The same was last night. This is a much different feeling than being nervous. I know how that feels, and while I don't feel that often, I always recognize it. You know, the butterflies in your tummy kind of feeling. Little things can bring that on; speaking in front of a crowd, meeting new people, things like that. This was different and it comes from deep inside me, a place that I don't usually let open, and I really can not control it once it is open. It is always the unknown that opens it. I had no idea how that surgery was going to end, either with how my body would end up and what would happen to my precious babies. Last night was no different, I had never experienced the funeral of my children and I was terrified. I ended up being so comforted by the end, and I felt so much better when we left last night. The service was exactly how we wanted it - we wanted everyone in attendance to understand "To God be the Glory," and that God is our Father; he wants to take care of us. He hurts when we hurt, and I found myself able to remember that as I sat there watching the slide shows of that miraculous day I held my sweet babies. I am sure it was God that was telling me he hated to see me cry. I know he is also hurting watching Matt and I and our families grieve for the babies we loved so much.
The slide shows were so perfect. Our friends Joe and Leatha made the first one for us and we want to thank them, as well. It was so beautiful. Matt and I didn't watch it before last night, we wanted to see it in the moment and not spoil it. We are so blessed to have such good friends all around us. We have so many people taking such good care of us all of the time, and we felt that last night. The second slide show our friend Nancy made for us, she is a photographer and we met her last year when she photographed our wedding. She went above and beyond for our special day, and we became friends during that time. She was gracious enough to agree to help us capture our memories with our boys. She was on call ever since we found out we had conjoined twins. The beautiful prints you saw last night were also hers. We love her work and we knew she would give us what we needed of that day. She went above and beyond for us again, and we love her so much for that. She had a friend, Erin, that came with her and helped her capture so some of the pictures are also Erin's. I want to make sure they both get the credit they deserve for our beautiful portraits.
The songs we picked for each slide show are also special to us. Roger, our anesthesiologist, played the Jack Johnson Curious George soundtrack during our surgery so we used several songs from that cd. We can remember each of them playing during the surgery, but they also have wonderful meaning in their word's. The other song we chose was by Sarah Groves and it was called "Song for My Sons." Ann, a nurse from the NICU, gave us the cd. We sat down to listen to it and I was blown away at lyrics. It is like she crawled into my mind and wrote the song. It is perfect for my sons. I love it, and ever since the slide show last night it has played in my thoughts nonstop.
It is time to get ready for the service, and I am scared again today. I know God will get us through today, and the next day, and the next. God is GOOD, he has a plan for our lives just like he did for Joshua and Caleb and I will not allow myself to doubt that, even in my grief and sadness and emptiness. I know God will hold us today and give us the strength to do what we have no choice but to do. I know this hardly compares, but we have found ourselves comparing this to God losing Jesus. We were talking about that yesterday, that he knows our pain first hand because he lost his son, too. But the difference is God is in control of this, as he was with Jesus. HE could have backed out, but he didn't. If we were in control of this we would have backed out long ago. I don't understand how he was able to go through with it, but that is just one of the many things I can not comprehend of our Father. He is so great, so greater than I can even comprehend.
The picture here is of the mold of the boys' hands that Ann, one of our NICU nurses, gave us. She and some of the other nurses spent hours making these and they took us by such surprise when she gave them to us. We knew they had made them, of course, but we had no expectations in our heads of what they would look like. We were so empty after losing the boys and we longed to hold them and kiss them just one more time. These molds helped ease the longing a little, they filled a part of that emptiness we had been feeling. We will treasure them always, thank you to Ann and everyone that helped to make them. They are irreplaceable.
If you were there last night, then you know how amazing it was. It was even better than I had imagined it would be. Dr. Crocker did a wonderful job, he is so fantastic. He says exactly what is on his heart and he is not afraid and I love that about him, and I miss hearing him on a regular basis so bad. He has supported us every step of the way through this, and he is so dear to both of our hearts. He married us, so I am sure that puts him in a special place by itself, but he always calls us and comes by to see us. Whenever we felt like we were faced with a decision, he would come over and let us talk it out. We kept him here many late nights, we are both LONG WINDED! I suppose it did not bother him too bad, because he kept coming back for more every time we needed him. You thanked us last night, David, but we really need to thank you.
We also want to to thank the choir. We were absolutely blown away when we walked in and saw a full choir. The song was beautiful and it was so good to have you leading us in the other songs. Dr. Bill Davis was wonderful, too. I kept thinking as I was standing there that it didn't even feel like we were at a funeral. If the casket had not been in the front of the room, I could have told myself we weren't at a funeral and I would have believed it.
I was so scared when we started last night, I was trembling in fear. I have only done that a few times in my life, the most recent being going into the surgery on the 15th. It always surprises me when I do that, tremble in fear. Usually it is when I have not even been aware that I was so scared. The same was last night. This is a much different feeling than being nervous. I know how that feels, and while I don't feel that often, I always recognize it. You know, the butterflies in your tummy kind of feeling. Little things can bring that on; speaking in front of a crowd, meeting new people, things like that. This was different and it comes from deep inside me, a place that I don't usually let open, and I really can not control it once it is open. It is always the unknown that opens it. I had no idea how that surgery was going to end, either with how my body would end up and what would happen to my precious babies. Last night was no different, I had never experienced the funeral of my children and I was terrified. I ended up being so comforted by the end, and I felt so much better when we left last night. The service was exactly how we wanted it - we wanted everyone in attendance to understand "To God be the Glory," and that God is our Father; he wants to take care of us. He hurts when we hurt, and I found myself able to remember that as I sat there watching the slide shows of that miraculous day I held my sweet babies. I am sure it was God that was telling me he hated to see me cry. I know he is also hurting watching Matt and I and our families grieve for the babies we loved so much.
The slide shows were so perfect. Our friends Joe and Leatha made the first one for us and we want to thank them, as well. It was so beautiful. Matt and I didn't watch it before last night, we wanted to see it in the moment and not spoil it. We are so blessed to have such good friends all around us. We have so many people taking such good care of us all of the time, and we felt that last night. The second slide show our friend Nancy made for us, she is a photographer and we met her last year when she photographed our wedding. She went above and beyond for our special day, and we became friends during that time. She was gracious enough to agree to help us capture our memories with our boys. She was on call ever since we found out we had conjoined twins. The beautiful prints you saw last night were also hers. We love her work and we knew she would give us what we needed of that day. She went above and beyond for us again, and we love her so much for that. She had a friend, Erin, that came with her and helped her capture so some of the pictures are also Erin's. I want to make sure they both get the credit they deserve for our beautiful portraits.
The songs we picked for each slide show are also special to us. Roger, our anesthesiologist, played the Jack Johnson Curious George soundtrack during our surgery so we used several songs from that cd. We can remember each of them playing during the surgery, but they also have wonderful meaning in their word's. The other song we chose was by Sarah Groves and it was called "Song for My Sons." Ann, a nurse from the NICU, gave us the cd. We sat down to listen to it and I was blown away at lyrics. It is like she crawled into my mind and wrote the song. It is perfect for my sons. I love it, and ever since the slide show last night it has played in my thoughts nonstop.
It is time to get ready for the service, and I am scared again today. I know God will get us through today, and the next day, and the next. God is GOOD, he has a plan for our lives just like he did for Joshua and Caleb and I will not allow myself to doubt that, even in my grief and sadness and emptiness. I know God will hold us today and give us the strength to do what we have no choice but to do. I know this hardly compares, but we have found ourselves comparing this to God losing Jesus. We were talking about that yesterday, that he knows our pain first hand because he lost his son, too. But the difference is God is in control of this, as he was with Jesus. HE could have backed out, but he didn't. If we were in control of this we would have backed out long ago. I don't understand how he was able to go through with it, but that is just one of the many things I can not comprehend of our Father. He is so great, so greater than I can even comprehend.
The picture here is of the mold of the boys' hands that Ann, one of our NICU nurses, gave us. She and some of the other nurses spent hours making these and they took us by such surprise when she gave them to us. We knew they had made them, of course, but we had no expectations in our heads of what they would look like. We were so empty after losing the boys and we longed to hold them and kiss them just one more time. These molds helped ease the longing a little, they filled a part of that emptiness we had been feeling. We will treasure them always, thank you to Ann and everyone that helped to make them. They are irreplaceable.
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2 comments:
I was "introduced" to ALL of you thru PTL. Dan has been so wonderful in keeping us posted, sharing the website, and encouraging our prayers to give you strength.
I, too, lost my first son (he was hydrocephalic). At the time I was not as strong a Christian, so my faith was not NEAR as strong as yours has shown to be. That was 41 years ago.....but reading your thoughts, feeling your emptiness and sorry.....it's like it was yesterday. My faith has become much stronger as I have grown in my christianity....and you are right....God IS good. One year after losing our first son, God blessed with another healthy son (and I told God I would never complain or ask for more.....my son was so healthy) and 4 years later, we were blessed with another son. I often think of what my life would have been with three sons....but I am so thankful for my two boys (they are men now and frown on me referring to them as "boys" - ha-ha). We don't know what the future holds, but as you know, God knows. I'm sure He has wonderful and great things in store for you - in His time. In His time, He makes everything wonderful.
Every time I read your "update", I'd always say that I should respond...but didn't. I couldn't pass up this time to let you know how YOU have consoled ME in my loss that was so many years ago.
May God bless you and your family as you go through each day, week, year, lifetime.....
cjcmo@sbcglobal.net
I too have been reading your blog entries for about 2 months now. I have been blown away at your Chirist centered attitude toward your situation. I know that this has to be one of the hardest things to do. I have 2 small children. I cannot imagine having to do what you are doing and to go through it so gracefully as you have done. It is truly only the Lord that can get us through these circumstances. I had a miscarriage and that was difficult enough about 2 years ago. I did not know if I could get pregnant again...7 months later we were able to conceive with our second. I know that is not the same pain, but it was all in His timing. You are a faithful servant to Him and He does feel your pain. You are seekinghim in the midst of a painful storm and you will not be forsaken. I love the way that you write...it is so honest and really captures and tells how you are feeling. Thank you for your honesty. You have no idea the impact that you have right now on everyone who reads your blog. God has allowed you to minister to many through your extremely difficult loss. May God hold you and your family in His arms during this time. Much love..
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