I am having a hard time picturing you as big boys, but I am certain that you are big boys. I wish I could see you. I wish I could hold you, smell you, hear your sweet voices. But as much as I wish that I am also so happy for you. I know you sit at the feet of Jesus and worship with him daily. What a miracle that is.
I am so thankful that God sent his son so that you could be with Him in Heaven, and so that I will be with you again one day. I am so thankful God sent me you, my sons, to hold and love even for such a short time. You changed my life, my heart. I had no idea I needed those changes. You made my faith stronger, you showed me how to let go and let God. You brought me to my knees before the Lord, and restored my prayer life.
As hard as the loss of you was and is, I wouldn't change a thing. I know this was God's will for my life and yours and I am happy to accept that and be thankful for that.
God protected you in my womb and gave you life when there was hardly a possibility for it. Your life was short but it was peaceful. I believe you did not suffer. I will never forget how you, Caleb, heard my voice and looked up at me. Then you heard your daddy's voice and looked over to him and let out a little whimper. That was the sweetest of sounds and the only one I ever heard you make.
So now as I reflect back over the last 9 years, I try to see where the biggest changes in our family are because of you. I think I have settled on how I see my girls. How I probably would have not ever been a stay-at-home mom if it had not been for you. You showed me that time is precious and that we can never get back the time we have with our babies.
I am certain everything about Harper and her fierceness and strong will is because of you, and that no other child could have survived and thrived like she has in her circumstances. I think you cheered her on and pushed her when she was struggling.
I pray every night that you will come to me in my dreams, and you have twice. So tonight as I lay my head down, I will ask God to please just give me a glimpse into Heaven to see how they are celebrating you. Enjoy your birthday boys. Thank you for the last 9 years and what you have done for our family. Not a day goes by that you aren't loved and remembered by us all.
|Joshua and Caleb 7/15/08|