To Keep You in the Loop

Matt took Billie to see the Star Wars movie in 3D, it was the opening night so they got special Darth Maul glasses and got to meet Darth Vader and some Storm Troopers. She had a great time, and it was a surprise - which just makes it more fun!

Harper was napping in my lap and I was holding her sweet little hand and just snapped a few pics with my phone. I thought it was sweet and worth sharing.

Matt is itching to get Harper on a bike...This helmet will not fit for 6 mos to a year, but it was very cute. I told him until she fit well in a helmet and could sit up well on her own, no bike was in her future. He just wants to get her out and have fun with her!

Billie reading to Harper as I cooked dinner one night. Once again, they are adorable together and Billie is the best big sister a girl could ask for. It warms my heart and makes me smile every time.

Valentine's Day morning the girls both opened gifts from Matt - It was a great start to a fun day!

This is Savannah, Billie fell in love with this horse at her lesson on Saturday. She just so happens to be for sale, and one of her fellow classmates had her new horse there for her lesson, so Billie was kind of hoping we might buy her a horse, too. We are not buying her a horse, but a girl can dream, right?!

This is her in the ring riding. She loves to ride and is getting very good. She can trot, canter, two point, and does a pretty good job at it all. Her teacher says she is close to learning jumps, which is really what Billie wants to learn!
Matt just had to put Harper up on Savannah. She didn't really seem too impressed.

This was Valentine's Night. We had our traditional fondue dinner. This year we did a swiss cheese with fruit and veggies and bread. Harper had sweet potatoes and bananas. It was a very fun night.

So this was just a quick update to keep you all in the loop. I do want to add we took Harper to see the therapist yesterday and I was very disappointed with the results. She will start weekly therapy because Dr. Trainer says she is developmentally delayed and her gross motor skills are delayed. I felt we had accomplished every thing she had us work on since our last visit, and she didn't even mention any of those! So now we have a long list of new tasks/goals for her - all new to us and we will work on them at home and go once a week to work with a therapist to help us. She needs to be sitting up on her own and she is not flexible enough - I am probably not stating this correctly, but since she is a preemie, her muscles are tight, especially her flexor muscles in her back, and this causes her to be less flexible than a baby that was term and is 6 months old. And she is using them to do everything, including rolling over, and these particular muscles are always seen in preemies to be strong and if we don't get her using her core muscles instead she her developmental delay will worsen and could cause delays in other areas. I have to run, but we will take your prayers on this - it has me very stressed out and worried about her development. Also, she is off of formula now and her weight gain has slowed to a crawl ( or less!). I really do not want to put he back on formula so I am increasing my calories, fat and protein intake in hopes to help my breastmilk content. So prayers for her weight gain is also needed. Thanks to you all!!

Happy Harper

Harper is pretty happy most of the time - and she loves to smile and laugh!

Just a quick update. I am working on a special blog entry, one that I should have done a while ago and it is taking me a while to complete it. But I hated to keep going too long with out an update. Harper is doing great and so is Billie. I am finally feeling more like myself, too. For those that do not know, I had an incisional hernia from my surgery with Harper and I had to have it repaired. It came up a few days after my surgery and I was hoping it would go away on it's own, but instead it just got worse. The surgeon told me that it would be very painful, even worse than my c-section, but I didn't believe him. It's a good thing, or else I would not have done it. He told me the next day that no patient ever does believe him. I had to stay one night in the hospital to manage the pain, although I really didn't want to stay after I tried to get up the second time, I relented and agreed to one night away from my babies. Kellee stayed with them and they were of course fine! But it was hard to be away. I think it would have been easier if we had been say, at the Grove Park Inn enjoying the spa! It was no spa, but everyone (minus one cranky lady) was very nice to us and took very good care of us. And even though it hurt so bad, I loved my surgeon. I am not completely healed yet, but I am doing much much better. It took about two weeks before I could care for Harper and myself again. Kellee and Cathie helped me during that time. I am able to drive again, I just can't lift anything heavy yet. It won't be long, though, and I will be good as new! We take Harper back to the therapist next week and I am so excited to show her how amazingly well she has mastered all of her tasks/goals and to get new exercises and goals to begin working on with her. I know this wasn't a big update, but it is all I have time for. Love and thanks to everyone!

A Soreness in My Soul

Yesterday I had to take Harper to the Pulmonologist for her synagis shot (to prevent RSV) and I was in a huge hurry. Harper had been very fussy all morning, not wanting me to set her down anywhere. That is very unlike her, but we dealt with it. I haven't taken her anywhere on my own since my surgery two weeks ago (more on that later), so it was a challenge to get myself and her ready and out the door. So much of a challenge, I actually forgot to put our dog, Blue, in her kennel before leaving the house. OOPS! Big no-no! Anyway, I got us in the car and all buckled in and started on my way. As I pulled out of the neighborhood, a song came on my radio that just took me back instantly to the operating room 3.5 years ago. It was a Jack Johnson song, Upside Down I think is the name of it. The anesthesiologist, Roger, played the Curious George soundtrack during my delivery of the boys. I hadn't thought about that in a long time. The song took me straight back and the tears just flowed. I could even smell the operating room. I could see the blue curtain. And I could feel my nerves rising up inside my chest cavity, making it hard to breathe. I remembered how it felt as Dr. Bruner was pulling and tugging and remembered him saying he was having a hard time getting the second baby out. I just let myself think about all of this and play it all out in my mind for about 5 minutes as I drove. Probably not smart, but I needed to let myself "wallow" for a minute, as I like to put it. Then I saw the boys all purple and lifeless as he held them up above the curtain for me to see and I heard the silence in the room. Everyone was holding their breath to see if the boys would take their first. And they did! The last thing I let myself remember was getting sick and telling Roger I needed something. This is gross, but I remembered how it felt like my insides were flying out all over the room as I heaved and Dr. Bruner saying "You're not hurting anything up here, we are fine." That was definitely the weirdest feeling I have ever felt. It probably was only in my mind, since I was numb, but I could feel pressure and movement as they moved things and placed things back, so maybe I did feel something. It was so scary. So that's when I cut my trip down memory lane off. The scary feeling of my insides strown across the room, and the sweet memory of my boys taking a breath all on their own, all mixed up into each other. I calmed myself down and drove to the hospital.
Isn't it amazing that one line in a song, or maybe even three little notes arranged just so, can take you back so vividly. On one hand, I treasure those memories and I love them because that is all I have left of Joshua and Caleb. On the other hand, it is painful and raw and hard to go back there. I feel "hung over" today from it, much like I feel the day after a migraine, only not in my head more in my soul. My soul is a little sore today. Sore from the memory, and also sore from the guilt. I should not be wallowing, look at the many blessings around me! Hello, wake up! Be happy, count your blessings. So as I walk by the boys picture a thousand times today on my way to the nursery, I will keep my eyes on Harper or the floor to spare my soul a little. I will pray all day prayers of thanksgiving. I will ask God to give them each more kisses and hugs from me, and try to soothe my soul with those sweet thoughts. Tomorrow it will be better because God is good all of the time. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

Sisters

My girls are amazing sisters. Harper looks at Billie with such adoration, even at this young of an age. I hope that never changes. Billie absolutely is the most loving, tender, sweet, 10 year old big sister that ever could be. She is selfless when it comes to her sister. That amazes me every single time. She also loves to hold her sister and cuddle with her. She is always asking if she can "wash up and hold her." She sings to her all of the time, and makes up silly songs to entertain her with. She reads to her a lot, too. She just loves to spend time with her in any way. The other day Harper was fussy and I needed to wash bottles, Billie volunteered to lovingly sit on the couch and hold her fussy sister and before I knew it, Harper had fallen asleep in Billie's arms. I went to take her from Billie to lay her down, and Billie protested "OH, don't take the sweet wittle thing," so I just let her sit there and snuggle with her. I should have taken a picture of it, but I didn't. Billie could be watching TV, reading, riding her bike, or playing with friends but instead she wants to love on her baby sister. That may change as they both get older but for now I am going to watch it and enjoy it so that I can remember it always. It is so comforting to know that they will always have each other, even after we are gone, the girls will have each other to lean on and grow old with. I thank God several times a day for blessing me with these two amazing girls. They are both such miracles in their own ways. I know everyone feels this way about their children, and to most my girls are not any more special then the next, but I see in them a light that sparkles brighter than any other light I have seen before. Just being with them warms my soul and fills my cup to overflowing. Sometimes I let myself miss my boys and day dream about what our home would be like if they were sharing it with us, too. I know they would only make our lives that much brighter and fuller. But I also know they would have had pain and sorrow here and I don't want that for them. I am thankful they are with Jesus and I know they are whole and happy. Thank you God for my beautiful children, all 4 of them!

New Year, New Resolutions

I am always apologizing for not blogging enough, so just know that I am always planning on blogging, daily really, but I jut don't always have the time. To catch you up, we had a great Christmas. It was so good to be together as a family and enjoy each other. Matt was sick with a respiratory virus and Harper got sick the day after Christmas with a respiratory virus and it was pretty bad but she did amazing. Matt stayed away from her from the minute he felt symptoms until he was well, but she still ended up catching it. She was a little fussy and didn't eat or sleep well, but once we got her started on the right breathing treatments she started to improve quickly. Bottom line, she was sick for about 10 days, but did not have to be hospitalized or on antibiotics and with her little lungs that was a miracle and we are thrilled. Since Harper didn't want to be set down at all, and she didn't want me to sit down either, I am pretty exhausted now and glad Matt is all better and can help again. She is feeling great and back to herself, too.

She learned to roll over this week! We are so proud, but now every time we lay her down she rolls to her tummy and this causes all kinds of anxiety for me! For the last few nights I have been flipping her back over to her back and she either wakes up or flips right back to her stomach. Needless to say, I haven't gotten much sleep. I have been praying that, of course, she will be OK even on her tummy, but also that God will teach me how to stop worrying and just give my worries over to Him. Be careful what you pray for, I know. I also keep telling myself that when Billie was a baby she had reflux so bad and I actually laid her on her belly to sleep because that was the only way she would sleep. She was much bigger than Harper, of course, but she was about the same age - 4 months old, which is Harper's corrected age, when we started putting her to bed on her belly. I still will never put Harper to bed on her belly, but at least I can get some comfort from these memories. Harper is great at rolling over, though, and I am very proud of her and how far she has come! She is trying to sit up now, too. If you sit her on your legs with her head on your knees she will do crunches in her attempt to sit up. It is so cute, and she even makes little grunting noises when she does it. She is a long way from sitting up on her own, but we can see her building those muscles in order to be able to.

I wanted to mention New Year's Resolutions here on my blog, mostly so that I have a record of what I thought of, and so I am held accountable, too. I have never made resolutions before, but I felt inspired by a mutual blogger/friend of mine who has similar goals and ideas as my own. So here goes, my resolutions for 2012 are:

1. Be in the Word every day. (So far so good, but I have always struggled with this my whole adult life - just saying.)

2. Get organized. (I could list in what areas, but really it is every area!)

3. Write and research how to get published. (Matt and others in my life are always telling me I should write a book, and I really want to so I am going to put that want into action. I will never have this opportunity again because I will eventually have to go to work and I do not want to waste it.)

4. Run again. (I started running again shortly after I had Harper and gave it up because it was just too soon and I wasn't healed from surgery yet. I used running to help me survive losing the boys and it turned out to be so therapeutic and amazing for me emotionally and physically. I need that back in my life and I miss it terribly.)

OK, now it is out there and I have to do it, right? I will address them from time to time, and you can all feel free to ask me about them if you want. I have this amazing life and such wonderful blessings and I want to share them and bless others, too. Resolutions have always just seemed like a waste of time, something people say they are going to do and never do. But I do want to make positive changes and what better time to make those changes than the beginning of the year? I am sure there are a lot of other changes in my life that I need to make, but these four have been on my mind for a while now. I want to be a person of action, not just always thinking, talking about, or planning to do things. At least I don't have any bad habits I have to give up for the new year! (Matt and Billie might disagree with that statement!)

And now...some pictures to make you smile until next time!

On her belly, I had just laid her down!

In her car seat loving on Minnie Mouse!

Sucking her thumb- she always has her hands in her mouth. She loves to shove her entire fist in her mouth, especially right after a meal - you know what then happens!

Laughs of an Angel

This is a sweet video Billie made of Harper laughing at me. She doesn't laugh a lot and gets very quiet whenever we pull the camera out, so this was amazing footage and Billie did a great job, too! There is nothing sweeter sounding than my children's laugh, Billie and Harper both have amazing giggles! You can't help but smile when you hear them laugh. God is so good and I feel so blessed this year. I would never have believed all that we would go through if you had told me last Christmas, even though I was on bed rest this time last year. It was a very difficult pregnancy, and an even more difficult delivery and recovery - especially for sweet little Harper Grace, but it was SO worth it. She has worked so hard to get to this point. It is just a miracle to see her sweet smiles and hear her amazing laughter. I don't know if life on Earth can get any better than this! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

First Solids

I only have a second, but I thought I would share this little video of Harper eating her first bite of solid food. We took her to her pediatrician yesterday and he started her on rice cereal. She weighed 10 pounds 5 ounces! Such a big girl! The conversation Matt and I have about it is funnier than Harper eating for the first time! Good times, lol! Enjoy...