Sunday, July 15, 2012

I Don't Want To Do Today

I woke up at 7:15 on 7/15, no small number for me.  I thought to myself as I have thought for the past week, "I don't want to do today."  I just want to be happy, and I don't want to think of what this day means in my life, in my history, in my story.  That is the most selfish thing I have done in a long time.  Today my boys turn 4.  I didn't make a cake with cute little African Animals like I have done every year for their birthday, I don't want to celebrate.  I don't know what is so hard about 4, but it is so hard. Maybe it has nothing to do with 4 at all.  Maybe it is just that I am so happy, I just don't want to be sad.  Not that I don't think of them often, daily.  I have their pictures up in my home and I see them all day long as I clean and take care of the girls.  I now see them when I look at Harper sometimes - which sometimes knocks the wind out of me and sometimes makes me smile. Life is hard, and it's days like today that remind me of just how hard life can be.  It's really the month of July that does that for me.  I hate July. I shouldn't hate it quite as much because I brought my miracle baby Harper home in July last year, July 23, 2011.  That should have softened July for me a bit. A lot of happiness and abundant blessings brought to a month so filled with loss for me.  It's not just the boys birth and loss that makes July hard for me. Next Saturday is another day I hate, the day Michael passed.  Then there's July 24, the day I buried both my husband and my sons, 4 years apart. And to round it all out, July 29, the day we lost my sweet, precious Grandma.  That one even hurts, probably just because I am wallowing in my sadness because it is very natural to lose a grandparent to old age.  She did die very suddenly, and no one got to say goodbye, but it was peaceful and in her sleep, we think. I'm just feeling sorry for myself, so just ignore my ramblings.  Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. Maybe I can try to celebrate a little today, the gift that Joshua and Caleb gave me.  Not just one gift, but many gifts.  They were so brave and so strong.  I can still see Caleb trying to lift his head to see me as they put them on my chest.  The doctor said it was just involuntary, but he couldn't see Caleb's eyes.  He was looking at his mommy.  Oh how I wish I could have taken the pain away for him, but thankfully his heavenly father did that.  I can't imagine what it must have felt like to not be able to take a deep enough breath to sustain life for longer than an hour and a half.  I imagine it must feel little like when I go for a run after having not ran in months - I can't breathe about 5 minutes into it.  My throat closes up and I wheeze as I struggle to get a breath. But if I continue to run, my throat and my heart and my legs and my lungs eventually figure it out about 15 minutes into the run, and I can then run for hours if I want to.  Harper knows what the boys felt like I bet, but she won't remember by the time she can tell us.  I don't want her to remember, that is one thing we kept saying as we watched her tiny little body struggle to breathe while the ventilator pushed breaths into her lungs - she won't remember any of this.  I wonder if Joshua and Caleb remember me.  I also wonder, as I do every day, if they are conjoined or separated in heaven.  I hope they remember me, and I hope they don't so they don't have to miss me. I hope they are separated, and I hope they are conjoined. I am so selfish.  I know heaven doesn't work like life here works, but since I can't really wrap my mind around that I have to put it in the schema that I do know so I constantly compare it to life.  But it is the life ever after, not life.  I am so thankful He took them home, so they do not know pain and they do not struggle to breathe, to eat, to live.  But I miss them.  So this year I am being selfish for their birthday.  No cake, no celebration.  We are going to go to church. We will go to the cemetery. We will cook dinner. I hope when I get out of this selfish funk in a few days I don't regret not celebrating their 4th birthday.  You don't get a do over with stuff like that.  There's only one 4th birthday.  That's OK, I am taking my chances.  I don't have a lot of regrets in my life so I am willing to risk this one. July 15 will come again next year, there's nothing I can do to stop it. Trust me, I tried this year really hard.  I don't want to do today, but today came anyway.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Busy Bees

I am so sorry it has been so long since I updated the blog!  We are all doing very good.  I actually started a new business - JC Stitches, and have been very busy filling orders and getting myself organized. Check it out here:  Matt is working on a real website for me, but until then I am just blogging every thing I make.  You can look through each blog entry to see the different things.  Most of them were written in June. I received a sewing machine for Christmas and after getting lots of requests from friends, decided to make it a business.  It is mostly baby and children's clothes, but my favorite thing to make in the world is special, one-of-a-kind rag dolls!  I make them special, to-order just the way you want them - most people choose them to be "look-a-like" dolls.  I also love to make softies, which are soft stuffed-animals just perfect for babies and toddlers to play with.  Billie loves them, too, though.  I got my first pattern from a website, and then designed my own giraffe and made some.  I am working now on a monkey and an elephant.  I also make hand made blankets, buggy covers, and napkins.  My next project is a car seat cover like the one I received as a gift when I first brought Harper home. 
We went on vacation last week to the Land Between the Lakes in Kentucky.  It was hot.  We had a great time.  We went with all of Matt's family, the Rosecrance/Sprigg's.  We had about 24 people.  Matt, Harper and I had a little cabin and everyone else camped by the lake.  We also had two boats to play on.  We golfed a little and it was fun.  I spent a lot of my time studying, I am taking the DTR exam (Dietetic Technician, Registered) on Saturday and I would appreciate your prayers.  I just want to pass it.  I've been out of school over a year now, and it has been so hard to get my self to where I feel prepared to take this exam.  I wish I could have taken it as soon as I graduated, I feel like I have lost a lot of info over this past year.  But I have been studying for about 2 months, so surely I am more prepared than I feel. 
Billie is having a colonoscopy/endoscopy on Friday - just to make sure everything is OK - nothing is wrong.  Because of her family history, she has to have one every 4 years.  Prayers for her are also appreciated.  As all of you know, the worst part for her will be tomorrow and the preparation.  So today she is playing with her Grandma and Grandpa at the pool, celebrating the 4th of July! Matt is golfing, and now that Harper Grace is down for a nap - I am hitting the books.  I promise to update soon and let you know how the colonoscopy went for Billie and I have been trying to get video of Harper and all the funny noises she makes, but as soon as I pull the camera out she always stops and gets very quiet!  Happy 4th to you all!