It is my sister, Nikki's, 39Th birthday, and I could not let the day go by with out making enough people aware of that fact! HEHE I am pretty sure it is the law for a younger sister to abuse her older sister on her 39Th birthday, and since I am always a rule follower, I felt compelled to include a blog about it. Don't worry, I won't embarrass her or myself any further, although a naked baby picture posted here would be adorable. (I looked for one, but I don't have any. SNAP!) I do not know how she is planning to celebrate this MOMENTOUS day, probably a quiet evening with her family. Although, with 4 kids I doubt it is ever very quiet around there except when they are eating! It is amazing to me that we are all getting close to 40, meaning my generation is 40-ish. I remember when my parents turned 30. I remember thinking that was so old. I remember my mom giving my dad a surprise 30th birthday party. My parents never had birthday parties, so I am sure that is why I can remember it, it had a huge impact on my life at the time. It was a fun day, although I was very little and do not remember much at all. We lived in the "little green house" ( we have silly names for all of the old houses we lived in, usually they go with the street name, but that one we stuck with the size and color. Everyone in my extended family will picture that house if you say the name of it, though!) We had amazing neighbors at that house, and our families all stayed friends for years and years. Anyway, none of this is very interesting and I am not even sure where I was going with it, other than to say that I can remember my parents in their 30's and thinking how old they were, and here I am in my mid-thirties. It doesn't seem possible. It doesn't bother me, don't get me wrong. It is just something strange to try to wrap your mind around. You know those kind of things, if you kind of take a step back and let your mind run off with the "notion". The kind of things that if you spend too long thinking about it your head might hurt, or you might start crying or laughing hysterically. It is just one of those things.
I had that experience yesterday. I was sitting in my Nutrition class and we are learning about Nutrition in Pregnancy and the lecture was about things that go wrong and all of the risks and stuff. Very depressing, even the professor mentioned that fact and said he hates that lecture, too. Of course, my mind was fighting my listening skills and it eventually won. I went back to that first ultra sound. The tech turned the monitor on and put the "wand" on my belly and I saw two heads, and then she reached up and pressed a button and the monitor went off, and I thought it must have been the last person that was there before me that had twins. Matt walked in just then and gave me a look like "You started with out me?" and I said we had just started, hadn't seen anything yet. We were joking around because I wanted to know the sex of the baby, but he didn't. And the tech finally interrupted us and said "There is something wrong and I have to tell you now." We said OK. I totally thought she was going to say "I see spina bifida" or maybe downs syndrome, which we would have been fine with. But when she said "It's twins and they are conjoined. I am so sorry." I just lost it. Matt didn't hear the "conjoined" part he just heard twins, and he got so excited. I was screaming, "What? What do you mean?" and he kissed me and said "Twins!" and told me to calm down we don't know anything yet. I said "Did you hear her, they are conjoined?" Then he too started crying. She said she was going to get a doctor and left the room. She came back in about 3 minutes and said "OK. The doctor is not coming in here. He told me to take some measurements and put you in a room. So we are not going to be recording this or taking any pictures. We are just going to get some measurements." She was clearly upset, and thinking back, I realize she had been put in a horrible position. It wasn't her job to explain all of this to us. I finally asked her where they were conjoined and she said at the torso and she gave us a little information, but she had never seen conjoined twins before so she just couldn't be sure about anything. The rest of the day was crazy, we waited for a few hours in a waiting room until they finally put us in a room. My doctor was not there that day, and the doctor we had an appointment with never did come in. My doctors' nurse did come in just to hug me, I had gone there for 10 +years. Finally another doctor came in and told us he could get us in to see the high risk doctor down stairs and did we want him to go down there and get an appointment for us, as they were not answering the phone since it was lunch time. Of course we said yes, and in his surgery scrubs, he went down there and then came back up and escorted us down there. That is where I made my mind go back to the lecture and stopped the trip down memory lane. I had a sob gripping my throat, but I swallowed hard and it passed. As I walked out of the building, I ran into a Chemistry T.A. I had for Gen Chem, Onamae. I loved her! She hugged me and asked how I was, and she said the most remarkable thing before I could even tell her how I was she said "You look really happy!" I told her I was and we caught up for a few minutes and then I headed home. The whole way home I reflected about what she must have saw in me. I am happy. God has given me the peace and strength AND the happiness I wanted and prayed for. I don't even know when it happened, it must have been gradual, not like I just woke up one day and there it was. I hadn't even realized until Onamae mentioned it though, but the dark cloud is lifted. I don't feel that tightening in my chest as often. Even though I miss the boys, my arms don't ache constantly to hold them. Not that I don't still have my moments, I do, but they are even fewer apart than the last time I figured out that I was better! I guess "being better" is something that is so gradual that I take it for granted until it is thrown in my face and I have to remember to thank God for it. God is good! I am just terrible at remembering to thank him for everything, not just the obvious things, but for especially the tiny things that mean the most and are actually the biggest and most important. Thank God he knows my heart and doesn't hold my mistakes against me. God is so very good.
2 weeks ago