I guess you all have figured out, when I am quiet it means I am not doing very well. I am feeling better today, though, so I wanted to at least post something. I know you all check often and everyone is praying for us, and we need that so much. I just have felt very "incomplete" the last few days. I have prayed and prayed for God to take that feeling away from me. I know it will be in his time, though, not mine. But I know he will. I have asked to feel more like myself, and today I sure do. So I still feel God with us, and I still feel the prayers of others for us. I just feel like I have empty arms. Everything I am feeling is totally normal, I just let it take over for a couple days. But not today. I just miss my baby boys. I can't help that, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Missing them this much just shows me how much I really did love them. That makes me lucky. They are so beautiful and sweet and strong. I wouldn't change what happened because I know it all happened exactly the way God planned it. God doesn't make mistakes, and my boys are no exception. They are actually God's boys, just like all children are. He honored me with being their mother here on Earth, but they were his from the start. I wouldn't take them away from God now, because I know they do not hurt and can not be hurt. I could not have done that for them here. How awesome it must be to be in the presence of Jesus! I can picture them being held by the loving arms of Jesus, and I see sweet smiles on their beautiful faces. I imagine Jesus reflection on them, his amazing glow casting light on their smiling faces. It is a beautiful image in my mind. I see that today, and I am holding on to it for the rest of my days because it has lightened my load and made me feel more whole than I did yesterday. I still miss them, but at least I see them happy and with Him. How could I wish for anything else for my children? To be in heaven with the Lord is all we could ever want for our children, and I do not have to worry about them any more. So today I will hold on to that, and let my mind imagine the perfect place they are in with our heavnly Father and allow that to make me feel less incomplete. I have no doubt that my prayers have been answered today and that image is from God. God is Good!
I am sorry I haven't updated in so long. Honestly, I have been struggling and I am sure all of you are not surprised by that. I feel much stronger today, finally. But I know that may not be the case tomorrow. I really plan on continuing the blogging as it is very therapeutic for me, and I know a lot of you like to get the updates. I will try not to wait so long next time. I just have gotten very sad over the past couple weeks, and did not have the energy to write about it.
Billie is back in school, and LOVING it! She loves her teacher, and it is such a wonderful blessing. We have been so fortunate to have great teachers every year. She was so sweet this morning; on our way to school she said "OH! I can't wait to see Ms. Merryman!" I asked her why and she said because she is so nice and she loves her so much. This is only day 5 of the year! I am looking forward to another wonderful school year. Everything has started this week, dance, piano, soccer and choir at church. That is helpful for me to keep me busy. It is nice to have things we have to do again.
I am healing so good now. I am able to go for short walks and I am driving again. I still get very worn out after a few hours of activities, so I have to pace myself and remind myself that I did just have surgery a month ago. I am able to do some household chores again, too, and I know Matt is SO happy about it! Bless his heart, he never complained one time, but he is so thankful for the help now. I won't be scrubbing floors any time soon, but dishes and laundry are easy for me to take care of now. Since that's what piles up quickly, it is a blessing that I am able to keep up with it again.
Emotionally we are healing, but it is something that is going to take time. Joshua and Caleb have changed us forever. I am a different person today because of them and they will always be a part of our family. We miss them so much, and sometimes that completely takes over. In our minds they were so perfect and beautiful, but if we remind ourselves that they would have suffered pain if they had lived longer, we are comforted by the fact that they are with Jesus now and not suffering at all. They would be one month old today. I am so thankful to God that they did not suffer or know pain. God is good and he took care of them and us. He blessed us with precious time, the exact right amount of time for his perfect plan. I know as perfect as we see them, God sees them even more perfect and loves them even more.
As I said before, I will try to blog regularly and not let another two weeks go by with out updating you again. We still get cards and I know there are so many of you that continue to pray for us. Thank you all for your loving support, it means so much to us and helps us get through each day. We are so blessed to have loving friends and family, and I thank God for you every day.