New School Year

Hello! I am so sorry I have let the whole month of August get by me without a single blog entry! We have been very busy, as everyone has been with school starting back up and all the other things that start up in August like soccer and piano and church activities. So, let me just start with the beginning of August and go on from there.

Matt and I celebrated our second anniversary at "The Swag" in Waynesville, NC. We had received a gift certificate from several families from the church Matt grew up at in Johnson City, TN a few months after the boys were born. We saved it for a later time when our grief wasn't so close and we could more enjoy ourselves. Let me just say, it would not have been possible for us to go there with out the gift certificate, and it was an amazing weekend. If you ever have the chance to go, you really should. It is an Inn on top of a mountain. They have amazing food---and I mean amazing. The best and most nutritious food I have ever been offered anywhere. They even have their own vegetable garden. Everything was so fresh and delicious and eloquently prepared and served. All of the guests, about 26 in total, are served together in the main building. They had an amazing Sunday Brunch, I really can not even describe it. It was beyond anything I have ever had before. The chef described everything in full before we ate, and the hosts (The Matthews, who own it) told us a brief story about where we were and then blessed the food (Dan is an Episcopal Bishop or Reverend, I am not sure what his title is). There were I think 10 desserts for Sunday Brunch. They have miles and miles of hiking trails and the property is adjacent to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Saturday we got up and had a relaxing morning in our cabin, then went to breakfast and enjoyed it out on the porch of the main building. We then went on a 6 mile hike and saw a beautiful water fall and had a wonderful time. We got back to find our lunch ready in a backpack for us and we took it to Gooseberry to eat it while enjoying the beautiful view. We relaxed there in a hammock for a while before heading back to our cabin. We soaked on the back porch in the soaking tub and then we each had a massage right there in the cabin. We relaxed some more and then got cleaned up for dinner. We had a wonderful time at dinner and a wonderful meal. We went back to our cabin and relaxed there before turning in for the night. Did I mention we relaxed? It was so relaxing. Unbelievably relaxing. We were almost in a vegetative state by the time we left. It was better than a week vacation at the beach, really! It was a wonderful end to what has been a busy summer.

When we got back, both Billie and I started back to school. Billie is a big 3rd grader now! She loves her new teacher and her best friend is in her class again this year, so she was very happy. I did take pictures of the first day of school, and I will get them up for you. I must admit I haven't loaded them on my computer yet.

I am back in school, too, and feeling a little overwhelmed, as I always do at the beginning of the semester. I have a hard schedule with both Microbiology and Biochemistry, but I know I can get through it.

Billie's activities have started back up, so we are ever busy with piano lessons, soccer practice and homework. It is always a little overwhelming at first, but after a few weeks we get into a groove and it is much easier than it appeared it would be in the beginning. I like being busy and having things to do, but I do look forward to the weekends!

This weekend we are doing something very special and we are all three excited about it. We are going to Matt's home church in Johnson City, TN to help paint the children's area. There is an interesting story behind how all of this began, and it involves Joshua and Caleb so I am going to share it with you. Matt did some design work for the church, and in lieu of payment he asked that they put any of the money they would normally have spent for the work into a fund, in memory of Joshua and Caleb but no one else had to know that except us, to benefit the youth/children of the church. To help the ministry of the youth/children, whether it be the building, bibles, Sunday school lessons, activities, etc., just as long as it went to the children's ministry. So they set up a fund and named it "The Promised Land Fund" and this weekend they are having their first project from those funds, which is painting the area that is used for the children for Sunday School and other activities. We are so excited to be a part of this project. The fund will be ongoing, with church members able to designate that money be put into it from their tithes and offering. I am so proud of Matt for this idea, and for wanting to do something to give back. He could have easily said he wanted to get paid for his hard work, or could have just said "I did the work to help the church and I don't want the money," but he went beyond that and actually helped the church to build their Children's Ministry. Children are the churches future, and this will fund will give back to the church through the children they minister for many years. I could not be more proud of him. The logo he did turned out really nice, too! So once again, Joshua and Caleb are serving the Lord, or inspiring their Daddy to give back with his talents and gifts. They really have changed us and how we think, and I am constantly thanking God for the gift of them and what they have brought to our lives and our family.

Also this weekend Evan is meeting us in Johnson City to visit, so we are all very excited about seeing him. He has agreed to help us paint, too! We will get some playing on the lake in, too, though. We haven't seen him since Easter and we are all anxious for a reunion.

I need to get back to homework so that is all I can write for now. Will try to update again about how the painting project goes this weekend, and post some pictures from The Swag and the first day of school!

July 15, 2008

I can not believe it has been a year. A whole year since I kissed my babies heads; a whole year since I held them in my arms. A year is a long time. A very long time to miss your babies and long to hold them. Those feelings have not weakened, but my hope and peace have strengthened leaving me in a much better place emotionally than I was a year ago, physically, too! I was looking at their picture yesterday and I had one of those moments where you go too deep in thought and you confuse and amaze yourself. Do you know what I mean? I had these random thoughts going through my mind, "Those are your babies." "You had identical twins!" "You had conjoined twins!" "Your babies died a year ago." OK, so that was what I like to call "wallowing," so I stopped and busied myself with a project. But through out the day when I would look at the clock I would think, "Oh at this time a year ago, I was finding out they would be born that day," or "by now I was holding them." Which was just something I had to do. We took birthday balloons to the cemetery yesterday and went out to eat with Matt's family. Over all, we had a good day. I am still thankful to be a part of God's plan, and I know he has a great plan for me, my life, and my family. I really hope it involves more children, but I am open to God's will, no matter what it is. Thank you for your love and support, with out you all we would have a hard time finding the strength some days. God is GOOD--that hasn't changed over the last year, and it never will. I will thank God everyday for my many blessings, and try to wait patiently for the longings of my heart that God knows without me ever uttering a prayer. I uploaded some sweet pictures of our time with Joshua and Caleb to share with you. I think most of these you might not have seen on the blog before. Have a good day!

Happy Birthday, Boys!

Good morning! Can you believe it has been a year? Our beautiful boys would be one year old today! I wonder if they will be having a celebration in heaven. We had a birthday "party" this weekend for them. We went to Jonson City and Amy bought balloons and we wrote notes on the balloons to the boys and then set them loose. It was very special. I made a cake and we sang "Happy Birthday," too. We are sad this morning, but I wouldn't change the way it happened, even today as much as I miss them. They blessed our life so much and we were a part of a wonderful miracle of God's Will. I can't change it, and I wouldn't if I could. More later....

July

This is July 4th, 2008. Billie always makes the best out of a situation. I was on bed rest and couldn't really do much, and she never complained. Not even for a minute. She really enjoyed the sparklers. The picture of me is at the end of June when we were in D.C. for a second opinion for the boys and their chances of survival or separation. I just thought you might want to see a picture of the boys at this time last year right before they were born!

We have decided we hate July. I know that is terrible, and part of me actually loves it, too. It is the month my beautiful boys were born. But it is also the month that I lost Michael, Joshua and Caleb, and even my beloved Grandma. All in different years, of course. It is just a very hard month, and I know once we get through this our "first" and Joshua and Caleb's first birthday, the next year will be easier and each following year will get easier. I find myself every day drifting off in deep thoughts about what I was doing this day a year ago. My babies were kicking and squirming in my belly, so strong and full of life. I just wanted to keep them there, safe and healthy. I would have gladly just stayed pregnant forever to keep them with me. I am sure that would have eventually gotten old, but at that time I was so scared for their birth. I didn't know I could survive what I have. I was so scared just to have the surgery. The doctors had warned us of all the things that could go wrong. I was so scared that I wouldn't survive, and if I did, that my uterus would not. I was terrified that my babies would be stillborn. I was terrified that they would not live through their first day. I was terrified that they would live and be in pain or have to undergo painful operations and medical testing. I trusted God to the best of my ability, but I am a worrier by nature and I was plagued with so many fears. I remember July 4Th last year, we took Billie outside and did a few fireworks and sparklers. We actually have a couple pictures of that night. We didn't know in just 11 days our boys would be born. We were really hoping to stay pregnant longer, to help their lungs develop. God knew that would never happen, and he took control and had them come on the 15Th. God is so good, I could not have planned it out better. They were born alive, and we got to spend time with them alive. It was too short, but it was God's will and we were able to accept that. If they had lived a few days they would have needed surgery to correct their Gastroschisis. That would have been a difficult decision to make, and excruciating to go through a surgery with their heart being so fragile. God is so good, he took that decision away from us. Looking back, I still long to have them in my arms and to see them sleep and hear them cry; to watch them wiggle and stretch and yawn, and to see their faces light up when Billie is around. But I also know that we were a part of a miracle of God's. Our boys were God's miracle twin boys. I wouldn't take that experience back for anything. I love our babies and I miss them every second, but I know their short life was a part of God's plan and I am glad I was able to be a part of that plan. I am so thankful to God for giving us the strength and peace we needed to get through this past year. Without God, we would not have made it. We still have hard days, and we always will, but we are living our lives and I didn't know if that would be possible as I felt them move in my belly and I thought about life without them. As this month goes on I will try to share more of my thoughts and memories with you. For now, I need to move on.

July will be a busy month for us! Matt is working, Praise the Lord! Billie has three different day camps to go to this month. Ijams Nature Camp, British Soccer Camp, and Horse Camp! She is very excited for all three. I can't wait to see her learn to ride and care for a horse. She loves horses, as most little girls do, so I am excited for her to get to spend a week learning all about them. I must mention that without her grandparents, Brian & Cathie and Bill & Wanda, these camps would not be possible for her this summer. As you know, Matt was out of work from January to just a few weeks ago and we would not have been able to afford any camps this year, let alone three! We are very lucky to have such wonderful and supportive parents. Thanks to all of you--I love you so very much!

I am looking forward to next semester at UT. I am excited for most of my classes. All of them are either Nutrition courses or Food Science courses. It should prove very interesting. I am glad I have all of my chemistry, physiology and pre-rec courses behind me now. I see light at the end of the tunnel! I should be able to finish in just 4 more semesters! Which is actually 2 years, but saying 4 semesters seems so much shorter somehow. I know, I am silly. Whatever works, I say.

I guess that is a good update for now. More over then next week + as we get closer to Joshua and Caleb's first birthday!

Goodbye Nalla

What a hard weekend we have had. Let's see, I will start at the beginning. I truly believe that God puts me where I need to be, and all things happen for a reason. We were supposed to be going to Atlanta Friday after I got off from work, but when I got home our A/C was out, so since Matt and Billie were still at Dolly Wood, I told him to just stay and have fun and I would get the A/C fixed (by calling a repair man! Not fixing it myself! HEHE) The repair man got there very late, but it didn't matter since we had already decided to leave early the next morning to go to Atlanta. Matt and Billie had a wonderful time; enjoyed his last day off since he started work today! They got in very late and we all went straight to bed. I had dropped Nalla off at Bill and Wanda's to stay for the weekend since we would be gone. I really feel like Nalla went there so everyone there would have one last visit with her, and our A/C broke so I could still be in Knoxville that night. Wanda called me about 1:30 in the morning to tell me Nalla was sick and they were taking her to the Pet ER. She had to call three times and text me because I was in such a deep sleep! I am sure she wondered if I would ever wake up! I rushed down there and the Vet said Nalla's stomach had turned over, which basically cut off oxygen to the rest of her intestines and those parts were dying. She was in a lot of pain but by the time I got there they had already given her a lot of meds to get her comfortable. The doctor did offer surgery, but her survival rate was 25% or less. She was almost 12 years old, so we made the painful decision to put her to sleep. My biggest concern was for Billie, bless her heart. She has had so much loss and it just keeps going. Of course, we knew it was coming eventually. Nalla's vet thought she probably had colon cancer two years ago, and she has done very well considering. Needless to say, we are all heart broken. I know in my heart I will never love another dog the way I loved her. She really was special, and not just because she was mine. She was just so sweet. Everyone that spent time with her fell in love with her. You couldn't help it. She only cared if we were happy; she had no concern for her own happiness at all. She complained of nothing, and required nothing. She loved Billie and I so much. She loved a lot of people, but we were definitely very special to her. There are no words to help you understand how great she was, you will just have to trust me that the world has lost a precious dog. Bill, Wanda and I stayed with her to the end. We were able to tell her how much we loved her and hold her paw and kiss her goodbye. I told her to give her Daddy and big kiss on the face and to let Joshua and Caleb ride on her back. I am sure she did just that. Nalla was never quite the same after Michael died. She had really been his dog. You know how dogs usually pick a person? Well, Michael was her person. Billie and I took his place mostly, but she always looked for him. Danny, my step-dad, used to come by every few weeks and drive Michael's truck and wash it for me. Every time he pulled back in the drive way, Nalla would get so excited! And when Danny would come in, she would be happy to see him but then she would sit in front of the window the rest of the night. I always felt she was waiting for her Daddy to come home. I finally told Danny to take the truck and keep it at their house because I couldn't stand putting Nalla through that any more. It broke my heart. She was so special. I know she was so happy to be with her Daddy again. Billie thinks they are fishing together, and they probably are.

We buried her Sunday at Bill and Wanda's house, right next to Suzie. (Suzie the dog, as Billie has always called her.) I am so thankful that they loved Nalla as much as I did. And so thankful to have a place to put her. I can't believe she is gone, and I know it will take me a while to get over this loss. It feels like she is just spending the night with her grandparents and she will be back tomorrow. Billie took the news very good, of course. I was so worried about her, but even though she was upset, she was able to calm down and move on. She is very strong and amazing. She cried last night and asked God in her prayer to please give Nalla a kiss for her. I know some people do not believe that dogs go to heaven, but heaven with out dogs would not be heaven to me so they must be there!

P.S. Please pray for the Delgado's- Jason has the Swine Flu and Vanessa is pregnant and we do not want her or Kenya to get it. And we want Jason to get way better real fast, too!

Synchronous Fireflies!

We had the most wonderful weekend camping with family at Elkmont. If you haven't heard of the synchronous fireflies, they are amazing and wonderful and a wonderful spectacle of God's miracles. The way the park ranger told the story, the fireflies live under ground and they have a life span of two years. They come out to mate for three weeks every June and then they die. The females light up on the ground and the males light up in the air. Somewhere in the middle, they meet. The thing about these fireflies at Elkmont that make them so special is that they light up together. A synchronous song that is absolutely beautiful and amazing. They blink, we counted 7 times but the park ranger said 6 times, and then they are "silent." It feels like they are making music, and then they stop and everything is dark, almost pitch black. A few seconds later, and they blink again 7 times. It reminded me of a concert. Darkness as the band leaves the stage, and the crowd anticipates an encore. The flashes of thousands of cameras then light up and sparkle everywhere you look. All over the ground, in the air, in the trees, to your left, to your right and above you. You are basically surrounded by twinkling lights. And then it is dark; silent again. It just shows you how intricate God's creations are. The park ranger told us if you take the fireflies down from Elkmont, they will not be synchronous anymore. There is only one other place in the world where they are synchronous; somewhere in Asia, although I admit I am not sure where at. Matt and I went on our second date to see the fireflies. They were spectacular then, too. We went back there one year later and Matt proposed that night. We had our wedding ceremony there, too. And this year we took Billie and showed her how amazing Elkmont and the synchronous fireflies are! She loved them. She loves Elkmont, we have taken here there several times. She loves "our Rock"; the rock we sat on while on our second date; the same rock Matt proposed to me on. We also took Brian and Cathie, Matt's parents, David and Janet, Matt's brother and his girlfriend, Kevin, Amy and Susan, Matt's cousins, with us this year. They all teased us about "our rock" but we decided they were just jealous! Elkmont is very special to us and we always find something new there that makes us love it more. The fireflies seemed to be even more spectacular this year than they have been in the past. They were last night, anyway. We found a little dark road that no one was on and we were over a gully and able to just sit down and wait patiently. They were all over the ground, just a sea of fireflies twinkling. They were in the air all around us, too. It truly is spectacular. I wonder why God created those fireflies. To make them so special and so unique, different than any other fireflies in the world. They have a purpose, just like we all do. We just have to be open to God's will and let him be in control of our lives and lead us to the great things he has in store for us.

We also found an old cemetery up there. Billie and I had a wonderful time reading the tombstones. You could almost tell the entire history of the people buried there by reading the tombstones. One couple had lost several infant children, and the wife was very young when she passed as well; 28 years old. She passed away just a few years after two of her infant children. Her babies only lived a few days, one of them passed the same day she was born. What we found so interesting is that the husband passed away 62 years after the wife did. They were buried there right next to each other, after all those years. And there were fresh flowers placed on the grave. I wonder if they didn't have one or more children that did survive that kept flowers there for them. There is no point to all this rambling other than just to share with you how interesting we found the story, and how our minds ran wild with it and tried to fill in the gaps. While my heart broke for them, I felt a sort of bond with them, too. The loss of a spouse way before their time. Their precious babies ripped from their arms. I know too well the heartache that leaves. I thought to myself that losing two babies is enough to kill you. We couldn't help but want to hear the whole story. I will think of them for a long time.

So on to the latest with us, I know I promised to fill you in on the iPhone. No real luck there, after a week in the rice it still wouldn't power on. We took it to Apple to see what they suggested, and they told us to sell it on EBay. We were very honest about it-big bold letters saying "WATER DAMAGED iPhone" and it sold! Unbelievable! We were so lucky, and so happy! Matt was able to replace it with the money he got from the sale of the river sunk phone!

As far as the theft of all the camping equipment, our insurance company covered it all, minus our deductible. We were very fortunate, and thank goodness for insurance! You think when you are having to pay for it, what is the point? But they were wonderful and quick and very fair. We were able to replace most of what was stolen, and will eventually replace the rest as we need it, if we need it.

Matt did get a job! He will start on June 15. We are so thankful and happy. This will be very different for him, going out to a job every day instead of working from the house. We are so excited about it though. It will be a big change for him, so I am prayerful that he will love it and adjust well. We will miss him around the house, though. Billie especially, because they have been able to spend so much time together. We will just have to be like most families and be thankful for the time we have when we are not at work and school.

We do have some sad news to share with you. I thought about not sharing this, but you have been so faithful and prayerful for us, I decided you deserved to know. We were expecting another baby, but I lost it to miscarriage at 5 1/2 weeks. It would have been due January 28, 2010. Just a few days after I was due with Billie! I feel like it was a girl, just a gut feeling, of course. I am doing OK now, but I had a hard week. I know God has wonderful plans for us and I just have to be patient and know that it is His will and His timing that is good and right, and not my own. I loved that baby, and we were so excited. I mourned that baby and continue to do so, but I know that God has a plan for me and my family. The doctors are not sure what happened. They did do some testing and I may get some more information next week, and they may not get any more information that will help us. 1 in 4 babies are miscarried, it is just very common and most of the time the reason is not known. Brian told Matt a beautiful truth that really helped me. He was his mother's fourth child. She had lost two between his sister and him, and if she had not lost them, he would not have been born. They would have stopped at two. How beautiful is that? Not only would we not have had Brian, but we would not have had Matt and David, Chandler, Joshua and Caleb, either. That gave me the hope I needed to get through those first few days, when the darkness was almost more than I could stand and I didn't want to live. I am ashamed to admit how low I let it get me, how sad and distraught I was. But I am better today, and seeing God in Elkmont, in His fireflies. that helped me get to this point. I am blessed by a wonderful husband, a super fantastic daughter, and an amazingly awesome support group in my family and friends. I have to keep my chin up and keep going for all of them. I am excited to see what God has in store for me in the next year. Joshua and Caleb's birthday is right around the corner and we plan on celebrating it and celebrating what they did for us and what they did for so many others. God blessed us with beautiful miracle twin boys, and I am going to be thankful for that no matter what curves are thrown at me. God loves me and God is good.

Thank you so much for your support and faithful prayers. I know I always tell you I will write again soon, and I guess I will just tell you I mean well. I promise I will always eventually update you and share with you. And I will try to do better about getting updates to you! Love to you all!

Stupid Mistakes

Hello, all. I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter. We had a wonderful time visiting with Evan in North Carolina. We were supposed to go visit him in Atlanta, but his leave was cut short and he could not go further than 250 miles from base. So, we packed up all our camping gear and headed to him. We had a wonderful two days with him. We got to play at the beach one day, and we got to see his room on base, plus he went camping with us so we had his undivided attention! Billie especially enjoyed his company. I would post pictures of the trip, but Matt used his phone to take all of the pictures and I accidentally dropped his phone in the river. Imagine how stupid and horrible I still feel! He was so sweet to me, though. He got mad for maybe a second, and immediately proceeded to making me feel better about it. He really is wonderful. We have the phone now "soaking" in rice. We "googled" what to do, and that seemed like the least invasive way. Some posts actually suggested baking the phone in the oven! It may never work again, but we had to try. I will let you know once we try to turn it on again. To top all of that off, we were very tired getting in Sunday after a 9 hour drive, and it was about 12:30 in the morning, so we made the mistake of leaving the car full until the next morning. We were robbed during the night and most everything was stolen right out of our driveway! We felt so stupid and so violated. Billie talked about it at school and come to find out her best friend's car was also robbed one day last week and the police had arrested the people. When her parents went to the police department, they noticed some camping gear and called me to let me know. Turned out it was the same people and Matt went down to the police department and got some of our stuff back! Of course they had already sold a lot of the stuff, or just trashed it because they couldn't use it or sell it. Moral of the story, don't leave anything in your car, especially over night. And don't take cell phones to the river, or lake or any body of water! You would think you are safe in your own drive way, but it just isn't the case. Billie thought maybe they would listen to one of her "Jesus Cd's" (as she calls her gospel music) and they would learn about Jesus. She was so sweet about the whole thing, even though all of her movies and music Cd's were stolen. She really is an amazing girl.

Billie got a part in the musical at church, and we have been working at learning her lines. She is so excited about it! She is learning the part really good, and it suits her beautifully. She loves to sing and perform. She just shines when she is on stage, and I love to watch her. I will be sure to post pictures, it isn't until May 3rd.

I have to confess I have been struggling with worrying. I am just naturally a worry-wart. I hate it, and I fight it, but it is a constant struggle for me. My prayer is that I am able to submit myself, everything including my worries, over to the Lord and stop trying to control the things that are not in my control. Even when I think I have submitted my worries, I have this terrible habit of picking it back up. So it is this constant tug-of-war with myself. It is pretty exhausting, too! I of all people know that God is in control and that he will take care of our needs, but try convincing that to my very strong inner worrier. I am working on it!

I am gearing up for finals, they start April 28Th. I am scared but excited to have this semester behind me. I am going to school this summer, but I will get a couple weeks off from school in between. Billie is looking forward to the summer, I know. I am little sad that we will have to say goodbye to Mrs. Merryman, we just love her so much. I know she will go down as one of Billie's favorite teachers of all time! It is hard to believe this school year is fixing to wrap up! It has just flown by, as it always does. I think this catches you up for now, I will let you know how my finals go and what happens with the phone as soon as I know! Have a wonderful day, we love you all!