God is Good

Happy Saturday, everyone! I have just been relaxing this morning with coffee and Billie. I love Saturday mornings when we have nothing we have to do. Although, I really need to be cleaning my house! That will happen a little later this morning. I am done with school now for the summer, that is the best feeling ever! I have nothing except my family to worry about every evening and weekend. I am studying to take the GRE, I have that scheduled for August 3, so I do have some studying still, but it is different and doesn't seem as "pressing" as when I am preparing for an exam at school. Probably because I am a procrastinator and I have almost two months to prepare! But since it really tests you on a lifetime of knowledge, I probably can't "study" that much, it is more about practicing my test taking skills and familiarizing myself with the format. Billie has soccer camp next week at UT, and she is excited about that.

I woke up missing my boys so much this morning. Yesterday I read a blog of one of my good friends that also had beautiful conjoined twins that passed away shortly after birth. It was a flash back of the day they found out their girls were conjoined. I read it on my lunch break, and I sat out in the gazebo at work and just let myself think and cry. Sometimes I think that is so good for me. I tend to push my memories and thoughts into the back of my head to "deal with later" and then never pull them back out. I sat there after reading it and let my mind wonder the to day we found out our boys were conjoined. I tried to remember how it felt. I remember going in so happy and excited, and leaving 8 hours later exhausted and filled with panic. How can something so wonderful turn so bad? We were so hopeful, though. I just knew they would have two hearts and be separable. We then had the task of telling our family and friends. We left my car there, since we had driven both cars that day, with plans for Matt to bring someone back later to get it. Matt called his best friend, Danny, and asked him to drop everything and come over and I called Kellee and asked the same. They both did it without asking any questions and were here within minutes. It was so hard to say out loud at first. There is nothing in the whole world that could have prepared us or our loved ones for the news that we were having conjoined twins. We are so blessed to have such wonderful and supportive friends and family surrounding us. They carried us through that time. God put the people we needed in our lives way before we would have the boys, just to support us through that time. God is so good! Like my friend Vanessa said yesterday, our lives are now split into two time periods; before we found out about the boys, and after. I guess that is true with any "big" thing that happens in your life. I still say things like, "That was before Michael got sick." or "before Billie was born." And even "before I met Matt." If you have read "The Shack," you know that he judges time by "The great sadness" and while I read that book I kept thinking that I have two periods in my life like that: the day I found out Michael was sick, and the day I found out my boys were conjoined. Those two days changed my life forever. But I still do not have any regrets. I still love the person God has created in me, and I know that all I have been through is part of God's plan. God is good. He is always good. Even when I do not understand or like it, I will hold on to my faith in God's plan for my life and that he knows what he is doing.