Refuge

I have been so productive today, I am actually writing tomorrow’s blog – drumroll- tonight! Y’all that is a record for me! My house is clean, my kids are happy; everyone got to where they needed to get to today, and made it back home.  I worked on my business (I am a new Young Living Essential Oil Distributor so I had some meetings and delivered some oils.) I even got our team registered for the Buddy’s Race Against Cancer to celebrate and remember my late husband, Michael (thank you to his daddy for lighting that fire!) If you want to join us for the race on November 9, you can join our team by registering here Buddy's Race You all know what is coming, right? I am going to be all inspired, disciplined, and productive for a few days, weeks, maybe even months. Then, something big will happen, hopefully this big thing will be positive like I will win the lottery (I know, you have to play to win, but maybe I will start.) The something big will get me all off kilter, and I will cease from being productive.  It will take another 31-day challenge to get me back on track. But I am learning skills during this challenge to carry me through another hiatus. I am learning how to be productive and stay productive. God is working in me.

I will let you in on a little secret, actually a couple little secrets.  First, I wrote that first paragraph last night and then went to bed, leaving this to be finished in the morning. Second, I woke up at 2:30 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. Third, I have a little anxiety and feelings I have been trying to ignore for a few days. Anyone who has been through traumatic things has these feelings.  Here’s the deal and the real secret- the year leading up to Michael’s sickness I was plagued with worry. I thought it was because Billie was going to be sick or something, I really wasn’t sure, but I had these anxiety-ridden, sleepless nights. I would sneak into her room and sit in the floor by her crib and pray over her. After Michael got sick I decided that his cancer was the big “thing” that was haunting me. Maybe it was the cancer itself that I could sort of feel, or maybe it was God giving me an intuition, or maybe I am completely crazy and was simply battling anxiety or depression. I think it was God giving me a warning, maybe I believe that because that is comforting, but I have had these sort of feelings since then and tried to ignore them. At the time I have these feelings, I am never really sure about what or why I am having them, so it is easy to just dismiss them. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20.

Another time I have struggled with similar feelings was with my pregnancy with the boys. I know, every pregnant woman has worries, fears, anxiety, trouble sleeping, but hear me out. I knew from the get go that I was having a boy, because I had a feeling, not because I had an ultrasound because I didn’t. We declined the 12-week test because it was only to check for birth defects so that we could terminate if we chose to and since we were not going to terminate for any reason, we declined this test. We had no reason to think there would be anything wrong, and the baby had a good heartbeat so my doctor agreed it was unnecessary. When I got a couple weeks further along and could feel the baby move, I started having these thoughts. I felt the baby move much earlier than I did with Billie, but I figured that was because I knew what to look for this time around. I remember asking my doctor a few times “How big should the baby be now?” He would usually compare it to a fruit or vegetable “about the size of an avocado, cucumber, eggplant,” depending on how many weeks along I was. I would then ask, “Are you sure there maybe isn’t two? Because when it kicks, I feel it way over here (pointing to one side), and then immediately I sometimes feel another kick way over here (pointing to the opposite side), and I don’t feel it jump over there.  I mean, can it reach with its hand this way and its foot the opposite way at the same time like that?” His answer every time, God bless him, was “One heartbeat, one heart, one baby.  There can’t be twins with one heart.” Except for when there is. I wonder if he also remembers those conversations with me? The day of my big ultrasound he was out, so I didn’t see him that day. I never saw him again since the practice referred me to a perinatologist, naturally. As soon as I found out I was having conjoined twins, within minutes, those conversations with him came back to my mind and have haunted me ever since. Not that they would have changed anything, and I think it was another way God was protecting the boys and me. What would I have done if I had known the boys were conjoined at 12 weeks? They pushed me to terminate at 20 weeks on up to 27 weeks, so I imagine they would have pushed me even harder at 12 weeks. I may have felt that was the best choice at 12 weeks. It may have been easier to decide to terminate with such a grave prognosis coupled with the fact that I hadn’t felt them kick yet. I have always felt that deep down I knew I was having twin boys from the beginning, but I just didn’t trust my instincts enough. I didn’t tell anyone else except for my closest confidants that I thought maybe it could be twins. I didn’t want to be wrong, and I was embarrassed for even thinking it. So dumb.

I could go on with more examples, like the conversation I had with my perinatologist at 23 weeks along during my pregnancy with Harper, a week before I had Harper, asking him if he thought I could have accreta (FYI I did, and he said there was almost no way and there were no symptoms and I wonder if he remembers that conversation, too.) Basically what I am getting at is that these are feelings that you want to ignore because you want to be wrong. I have been wrong, too, I will add that. Having been wrong in the past makes it easier to dismiss similar feelings. These feelings that are waking me up in the middle of the night are not clear, and could honestly just be my crazy, traumatized brain worrying unnecessarily. I am praying for peace, discernment, and protection. I will not let this take over my life, or keep me from my goals. I have mentioned before how when I am worried about something I allow it to take over my mind and my life. Not this time. I know that the enemy wants to rob me of my joy and wants my attention. I will not let that happen.  I am in a good place right now with my walk. I am in the Word, my prayer life is strong, and I am feeling more confident than ever with my relationship with Christ. I will hold fast to that and give my worries to the Lord.

Confession is good for the soul. Just writing these words this morning took the power away from them and has given me such peace. I am going to lie down and try to go back to sleep. Harper has been fussing some tonight, and she had a low-grade fever before bed last night. I am thinking her ears maybe be infected again so I will let you pray for her if you feel so inclined.  Thank you for loving me and supporting me. God is so good, all of the time. Psalm 2:12 “…Blessed are all who take refuge in him.”

Squandered Time

The definition of Productivity (according to dictionary.com):

Productivity: (proh-duhk-tiv-i-tee) noun- the quality, state, or fact of being able to generate, create, enhance, or bring forth goods and services.

We all know this. I am not trying to teach anything new here, only trying to teach myself and share my experience with you. I am learning a lot already through this challenge. I am learning a lot about productivity, but even more about myself.  These are probably things that I already knew, but was either ignoring or just being naive about them.

This will be a short post because I only have 10 minutes before I have to get the girls up and ready for the day. I got up at 4 this morning. Well, I woke up at 4 am and laid there for an hour trying, in vain, to go back to sleep. So once I got up, I got my coffee, turned the news on, and grabbed my bible, books, journal, computer, and phone. I took care of some to-do things, scrolled Face Book, and worked a bit on my bible study before turning to my writing challenge. Why, if I got up at 5am, do I only have 10 minutes to write this blog? I only have 10 minutes because I wasted my morning. I enjoyed most of my quiet time this morning, but I was very wasteful with my time. I spent way too much time on Face Book and doing other things that seemed important at the time (like planning our next trip, and catching up on news), but really could have been skipped all together. I should have spent 5 minutes on the Internet, and 1 hour spending time writing rather than the other way around. I am learning that I have this lazy side to myself where I like to read what others have written and just “veg out,” as I call it, rather than doing the work that I need to do on myself and for myself. It is hard to be self-motivated and keep myself in a productive state when I do not have restrictions or deadlines. When I began my morning, I felt so happy and inspired that I had two hours in front of me with nothing but me on the list. I had two hours to study, write, pray, journal, and accomplish. But I squandered at least an hour of the time, and so, after a morning that looked so full of potential, I now begin my day feeling disappointed with myself. What a shame, and I wish I had only insightful, beautiful things to tell you, but I also want to be truthful, so there you have it. I need to have self control and manage my time better.

I do not want to leave you on a bad note, so I will give you this little gem that has been floating around my mind for a couple of days: Titus 2:11 & 12 “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age…” Here's to a great day with better time management!

Being Fruitful

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I am not considering it failing if I don’t write a blog every day in October, even though this technically is a writing challenge for me.  I am also using it to challenge myself to choose myself- so along with productivity and writing, I am choosing things that make me feel productive and give me an overall sense of well-being and of being successful and productive.  I am also working on some other writing that I am not sharing on the blog, plus I am in a bible study titled “The Intentional Woman, A guide to experiencing the Power of Your Story.” It is wonderful and I am so excited to be learning how to share my story and my testimony to better help others, and it requires homework and writing and reading my bible so when I am able to get to it every day I count that as part of this challenge, too. 

When I first accepted this challenge I had no idea what I would focus on.  I prayed on it and tried to not really think about it, so that maybe the idea would come from God and not from myself.  Since I have been struggling at home as of late with running around in circles and not completing much, even though I try and work hard, I have been reading in scripture for inspiration and guidance. This is what I have found: Colossians 3:23-25 “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” Have I been working with all my heart? Some days yes, but some days no. The truth hurts, but that is the truth. Why I am struggling so much to be productive? I am struggling because I am side tracked constantly. Some of that is no fault of my own, but some of it is because I allow things to interfere.  I take breaks from my work to check Face Book, email, and Instagram I like to have the television on in the background to entertain me, but it really is distracting me. Other times it is my kids needing something, or I choose to spend time with them instead of finishing my task, I think those are good distractions and mostly acceptable.  Proverbs 11:30 tells us, “The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life.” Jesus says in Matthew 15:19  “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. “  When we have decided to follow Jesus and live to please him, our lives will be fruitful (productive) naturally. Except for when it isn’t. I am just a little overwhelmed with my current responsibilities, but God has shown me that and how to get back on the right path and fix the productivity problem in my life.  I know what conviction is, and I like to ignore it when it isn’t fun or convenient, but the great thing about God is that he keeps on nudging you until you listen. So the TV is off, and the phone is setting on the charger, and the computer will be shut as soon as I upload this blog. Once I am productive for the day, I will reward myself with either a Facebook scroll or a recorded television show. I am not getting rid of my TV, or my social networks, I am just putting some boundaries on them for myself. Boundaries are a gift from God, too!

I am trying to get my house a little more organized and simplify and get rid of the clutter, no small task with two kids (that want to keep everything!). We are all making choices and deciding what is really important and what we really need.  OK, I totally admit here that we have WAY MORE than we could ever need, and we are spoiled rotten. But we are trying to live a little more simple, and below our means rather than above it. That way we can use the extra to help others. Some of these projects include cleaning out the kids books and toys, all the closets, kitchen cabinets, chest of drawers, laundry room, and other hidden areas that I just tend to ignore and act like they aren’t there and then they sit full and wasteful and years later I go to clean it out and I am like “Well, we could have used that years ago but now it is useless to us.” You guys have some areas like this, too, right? It isn’t just me? Don’t get me wrong, we aren’t hoarders or anything, but we just tend to bring in more than we take out and I want to reverse that.  I have been trying to work on this for a few months now.  Yesterday I spent the day cleaning out the hall coat closet. We use this only in the winter (when we need coats), and we used to use it for our shoes but we had old shoes in there that either didn’t fit, were worn out, or out of style and so we tended to not use it for most of our shoes anymore. I managed to fill two large garbage bags with old coats, hats, gloves, mittens, scarfs, and shoes. I also had several winter items that Harper has outgrown that I am giving to a baby in the family that will fit into all of this winter. I am so happy to rid my house of all of this just sitting in my coat closet collecting dust and taking up space, so wasteful.

If you are still with me for this very boring blog post, here are the pictures of the closet.  I forgot to take a real before, sorry. As I was working it dawned on me that this is productivity and deserved a mention.

 Pile of coats-some we kept and some we are donating.

 The mess of shoes that we basically do not wear anymore. Gone now!

 Finished closet. Filled only with shoes, coats, and a basket of hats and gloves that we actually wear.

 Top shelve, I found room to also store our air mattress here, plus my knee brace and a pair of boots.  All of this had previously been in my closet in our room, so this frees up space in there! WIN!

Productivity

I am SOOOO excited to take on an October Writing Challenge.  Fellow blogger (and mommy, wife, nutritionist, believer- the list goes on, we’ve got a lot in common!) Lauren Morgan of Adventures of Jack and Me (and she is a contributor at Knoxville Moms Blog which you should follow immediately because they are FANTASTIC!)  shared her challenge yesterday (ER… a couple of days ago now)of challenging yourself outside of motherhood and daily life. (Read that blog here: October Challenge) Just to sum it up, basically choosing to concentrate on something every day outside of motherhood.

Being a stay-at-home mom is harder than I thought it was going to be.  3.5 years later, I am struggling to find myself.  Now don’t get me wrong, it is truly the best job I have ever had.  I love being the “bones” to my family.  I am the go-to person here for everyone.  And most of my days are spent doing something for one of the kids or Matt, mostly the kids.  I love that, too, but here lately it maybe has gotten me to the place of burnout. Not all of the time, but sometimes. I find three the most challenging age, and thirteen maybe is the second most challenging age. How did I end up with two most challenging aged children at the same exact time? I am certain God is trying to teach me something yet again. So all of this is just a little back-story to the reason I don’t feel very productive anymore.

I am an introvert. Everyone that knows me well knows this about me. If I am worried about something, I will not hear anything you have to say and I will not be able to think about anything except for the thing I am worried about. If I have a lot to get done, leave me alone and let me do it. Do not help me, just leave the room, house, city, whatever and stay away until I am done. When we are in a hurry to get out of the house, I have this constant list going through my mind of everything I need to do to get us out the door. Now, a wise woman would write this list down, but I never feel I have time for that so I run my list through my mind and mentally check the things off as I go. This worked great when I was single and childless, and even worked well when it was just Billie and me. Add a husband and a second child and it basically doesn’t work anymore. So all day long I spend my time circling the house and starting lots of things and finishing almost nothing. Like this blog post I started on October 2, it isn’t even that long, and I have come back to it several times, but it took getting up at 4:30 am in a quiet house to get it written.  Up until that last sentence, I was on a roll. Then Matt came in here to try to figure out why our shared camera rolls on our newly updated iPhones no longer share. He not only came in here, but he took over my computer screen from his office (he is like our IT guy here at home so he can control my screen from his)-in the MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE!- to get me to read an article about said camera roll probs. My struggle is real, pray for me! I am leaving you with this: I am working on productivity in my life, my home, my family, my brain and I am accepting the October writing challenge and I will be writing about productivity.

August 21- National Conjoined Twins Day

 Today is National Conjoined Twins Day.  This day was picked especially because it is symbolic: August is the 8th month, and when laid on its side is the sign of infinity. The 21st was chosen to represent "2 souls- 1 body." The pictures above are of me just a few weeks before I delivered my perfect conjoined twin boys, Joshua and Caleb.

 This was a picture of me with them just a few minutes after their heart had stopped beating.

 This was later in the night and we knew it was time to give their little bodies over to be taken to the mortuary but we just couldn't make ourselves do it.

 This was when the NICU doctor told us that there was nothing more they could do for the boys, they had done well at first but they just didn't have enough lungs to sustain them.

 This was the first time I held my boys.  Do you see Dr. Prince gently telling us what will happen next and what to expect? Do you see Caleb looking at his Daddy?

 This is a precious memento to help us remember they had perfect little hands.

 Here are those perfect hands, brothers holding each other.

My precious Billie sweetly kissing her brothers for the first and last time. So much pain and I could not protect her from any of it. But the loss of her daddy and brothers has given her the sweetest, most compassionate heart.  She is destined for great things.

 Daddy cleaning and dressing the boys while I try to explain everything to Billie. She handled all of it with such grace and wisdom.

Aren't they perfect? Part of my heart is in heaven. It's sometimes hard to look at their picture with out pain, and it's sometimes hard to look at their picture without joy because I know they are at the feet of Jesus.  Isn't that what we all want for our children ultimately anyway? They just got there sooner than I had hoped for.

I do not want to offend anyone, and I have struggled with if I should mention this or not, but I am going to just get it out there, and if you read my blog it probably won't bother you! The TV show "American Horror Story" is starting a new season and it is called "Freak Show." SO you know where I am going with this.  I know many of my Facebook friends watch it and love it.  I haven't ever watched it because I don't watch scary stuff, honestly, my life has been scary enough on its own! I know you all know how we have struggled with education and awareness, conjoined twins are not freaks.  They are sons and daughters, grandchildren, siblings, friends, and even parents.  I am not going to watch this show, and I know that a show with conjoined twins could be done in a great way and be so good.  But I don't expect that with the title of "Freak Show." If you watch it, please let me know.  If it is done in a positive light, I will 100% support it! But if it shows conjoined twins as freaks, monsters, "Siamese", or any other way I can not support it and I hope you will not, either.  END RANT! Now go eat some cake, or release balloons, or throw pies in each others faces to celebrate all the conjoined twins: Those in heaven, those still conjoined, and those separated and surviving and thriving against all the odds! WOOHOO! GO CONJOINED TWINS!

God's Grace

My sweet Billie has a love for her sister, an empathetic heart ions beyond an average 13 year old, and a talent for writing.  In 7th grade Honors Language Arts they have been studying poetry and during class are given poetry writing assignments.  I honestly do not know what the assigned subject matter was, but Billie chose to write about her sister and her NICU journey, through Billie's eyes.  For your reading pleasure:

Looking in the window
Thinking about that day
In the tank, there she lay.

A tube taped to her mouth,
With her little IV
Tears in my eyes thinking
"How could this be?"

Bundled next to father
Looking still and cold
Eyes closed tight
Mother very bold.

Four months passed
Home she will go
Car drives slow
In her car seat, very low.

First time in my arms
Will never be the last
Be with me forever
Don't grow up too fast.

My precious Billie loves her baby sister.  Sometimes I forget what that NICU journey was for Billie.  Billie has gone through SO MUCH in her short 13 years, more than some people experience in a lifetime.  I was so worried when Michael was sick and after he passed that it would not just change Billie, but also change who she was supposed to be.  I now know that it did change her, that it had to change her, but that God in his mercy and grace and wisdom knew exactly who Billie was to be.  In everything God is good.  The death of her daddy, her brothers, and the birth of her sister have molded Billie into this amazing young women with a heart for the Lord and a heart for hurting people. She finds a way to love and show love to everyone.  I could not be more proud of my girl.

Nose Full of Spaghetti Makes the Momma Freak Out

First of all, just know that Matt is away for a work trip, so I am basically a single mom this week.  That always makes everything harder.  I need someone else who is an adult around some of the time to bounce things off of.  It keeps me sane.  OK, it keeps me closer to being a sane woman- we all know I am crazy, but it makes me enduring, right? Now I have help and plenty of support, do not get it twisted.  Billie has been chauffeured around by her sweet grandparents all week so I do not have to get the baby out in the cold.  Side note- since she is technically the baby,  I can always call her that even though she will be three in April, correct?

Getting back to our evening, we had left over spaghetti for dinner with salad.  Super easy since it was left over, and my kids eat the heck out of whole wheat spaghetti.  So we were all happily eating and just enjoying ourselves and Harper says "OUCH! Mamma, get the sketti out my nose, it hurts!" Seriously? So I jump up and look up her nose.  Yep, she has spaghetti up her nose! I am not even kidding! I pinch the other nostril and say "Blow" but she so does not comprehend what that is.  At all.  So then I run to get the nasal aspirator.  I never saw the spaghetti again.

So at first I am like it's gone.  She either swallowed it, or I did get it out the other way and it's fine.  But then doubt creeps in and I start thinking she could get sick, it could fester and grow some crazy bacteria on it and she could lose her nose.  OR she could lay down in her crib to go to sleep and that thing slip back in her throat and choke her in her sleep! I'm telling you, I need more adult interaction.  I do what I always do when I have a doctor-ish question about Harper.  I text one of our NICU nurses.  Not even kidding, her response was "I honestly don't know what to say!" OMG! What? You are my source for all things Harper, if you don't know what to say we may really be in trouble here.

Now I do know I have an AMAZING ability to make mountains out of mole hills, but if my NICU nurse is alarmed,  I should be freaking out already! Her next text says "I would probably call Greg and Abby." (My WONDERFUL pediatricians) My heart starts beating faster and I am sure I am flushed and sweating.  I am all "Really? That's not a stupid call?" She says "No, not at all.  I would call if it were me."

Bless my pediatricians.  They must really love my kids, because they always act happy to hear from me, always take me seriously, and always give me great advice.  He basically told me to take a chill pill, but in a really sweet, really funny way that had us both laughing.  And he calmed me down and gave me some tips to watch for and try later, too. They have totally talked me off a ledge on several occasions and I could not get through motherhood with out them.  I am so blessed they haven't kicked me out for being so high maintenance, long winded, and melodramatic.

We gave Harper a long, hot bath tonight and let her stay up a little late just to keep a watch on her and help me feel confident the spaghetti was no longer in her nose.  You can bet if she coughs or breaths deep tonight, I will be rushing to her bedside.

The real sweet/funny thing tonight happened when I was rocking Harper to sleep.  We always read a book, drink a bottle of milk (no judging, I know I have to break the bottle habit. Easier said than done,) sing songs, and say prayers.  It's a ritual.  We do it every night.  It helps make the screaming and crying shorter if we keep this routine.  This is Harper's prayer tonight:
"Dear God, Thank you for sketti. Thank you for Harper's bath. Thank you for rocking in da rocking chair. Thank you for Harper's baba. AAAAAAAAMEEEEEN! Let me take a bow. Thank you, thank you so much!"  So sweet and so FUNNY! I am telling you, that baby is so funny! Her vocabulary and speech skills are miraculous, to say the least, and I swear she has a sense of humor.  This was honestly her prayer, in her own words, verbatim.  And then she sang every single word to "Jesus Loves Me" at the top of her lungs.  I can't even tell you how blessed I feel as I lay her down in her crib tonight.  As hard as today might have been, it was so worth it to get to that prayer and song tonight. 

And then...I came out of her room and my precious thirteen year old said she heard Harper singing and thought it was so cute! I told her the prayer that was said and Billie and I laughed and laughed.  God is so good to me.  I am so blessed. I have so many wonderful people in my life that put up with me and my family's shenanigans. 

If you are awaiting an email from me tonight, and several of you are waiting for various info from me, you will get it tomorrow.  This momma is done for the night and must go to bed.  But I will get to you, and I have not forgotten.  Promise.