We Met Yvonne Last Night!

I am so excited, I couldn't even sleep last night. We went to the Fantasy of Tree's Gala, and had a wonderful time. As we were exiting the Merry-Go-Round, and wonderful thing happened. A precious woman stopped us and pulled us off to the side. I could tell she felt a little uncomfortable, but she forged ahead. She stumbled over her introduction for a second, and finally got out that she helped our boys when they were born! OH, the emotions that immediately bubbled to the surface. It was Yvonne, Caleb's respiratory therapist. You can see her in the picture to the right here, she is in red and standing right behind me. She gave us beautiful details last night, details about our boys we had never heard before! She said when they first got them they were breathing on their own, they were doing good. She said they "pinked up" real good, and she wishes we had seen them that way. We do too! They were squirming and moving around! They did not cry, though. She said they started working on them almost immediately, but they were doing good the whole time. She said her and Nikki kind of had a contest with the boys, and cheered on their oxygen stats. It was after they gave the boys surfactant that they started to decline and they came and got us. It was Yvonne that put the boys on my chest! Amazing to have that detail, let me just tell you. She said usually it is a nurse and not a respiratory therapist that does that, but she wanted to do it so she just did it. She gave me my boys! Do you know how close I feel to her?! You only hold your children for the first time once. And she handed me my beautiful boys. I won't say it isn't hard to know that they were moving more and breathing and we missed that and we didn't get to spend that time with them. But at the same time, it is really not something I can put into words as to how good I feel having some of those details that I didn't have before. Yvonne said it was so hard for her to approach us last night, and I can't imagine! But I am so thankful that she did. She made our night. I wanted so bad to run into someone from the hospital, and I can't think of anyone I would have wanted to see more than Yvonne. Now we need to sit down with Nikki, Joshua's respiratory therapist and hear about her time with him. We hope to do that very soon. Thank you so much, Yvonne. Thank you for telling us and talking to us last night, but especially thank you for taking good care of Caleb. Thank you for loving him and giving him everything he needed. I am sure he watches out for you from Heaven, you being his guardian angel here on earth! You will always hold a dear place in our hearts. We will always remember you when we think of Caleb.

Matt is already busy working on the turkey. Billie and I are going to make deviled eggs and plant tulip bulbs today. We should have a wonderful time. She is a good helper, and is always so happy about it! She loves to help me with the deviled eggs. I have no idea why she enjoys that so much, but she always asks me to let her help! I hope you all have a wonderful day today, and a wonderful Thanksgiving tomorrow. I am even more Thankful today for my many blessings than I was yesterday! I surprised you with two blogs in one week, will there be three?! You never know!

Buddy's Race Against Cancer

Hello! Sorry it has been so long since I blogged, again. And sorry that you may have been having trouble accessing the website, for some reason we have been having some problems with it. Matt is taking care of the issues, and hopefully it won't happen again.

We had an exciting weekend last weekend. The Buddy's Race Against Cancer was on the 16th, and we had a team again this year in memory of Michael. We had a great turn out, especially considering it was FREEZING! The pictures here are of us and Matt's parents, Billie and her face painting, and us with Riley. We only took a couple pictures, but there were lots more friends and family there, we just didn't take their picture! Matt and I had been so sick, so we chickened out of the 5k walk, and ended up walking in the Walk in the Park instead. It was a good thing, since we both ended up relapsing and getting sick all over again last week. I took another z-pac and am finally doing better, but the cough just won't go away and we are still not 100%. It is so frustrating. The biggest blessing has been that Billie has not gotten it, any of it! That is a miracle all in itself, if you ask me. Anyway, the race was so much fun, I love getting together with everyone and spending the day honoring Michael's memory. It was a hard day, I have to admit I am guilty of having a pity party a couple of times that day. I was feeling sorry not only for myself and my losses, but for Billie's, too. The race and the reason we are there does put it in your face a little more than other situations. But I kicked myself in the bottom and told myself I am so blessed to have had two amazing and loving husbands, some people never even get one man to love them the way Michael and Matt love me. And I have the most amazing daughter in the world. She is so very special, she had a wonderful time at the race. We try to turn Michael's death into something positive by helping raise money to raise awareness, and Billie is beginning to understand some of that. I know she feels good about herself that she is fighting cancer so others do not have to lose their Daddy, too. She looks forward to the Race Against Cancer every year, and I know she will always be a part of it and I am proud of her and her giving heart. She is just the most amazing person, she just handles everything so well. She doesn't sit around and feel sorry for herself, at all, I don't even think the thought crosses her mind to even feel sorry for herself ever. She has wonderful people all around her that love her completely and she probably has more love and support than most kids get. And you can tell by how she handles herself in every situation. I know she is mine, and I am a little biased, but it really is true. I am not sure if I have ever mentioned this story here before or not, but just to show you how amazing she handles herself, I want to share it with you now. When we go to stores and stuff, Billie usually gets a lot of attention from the people working there, as most children do, I am sure. The last time we went to the post office the man working there was very sweet and playful with her. He asked her if she had any brothers and sisters, and she did not miss a beat. She said " I have two brothers." And he then asked her if she was in the middle. She looked at him with surprise, and I could see her little mind just working. It was so cute. She was trying to think of a way to answer, she didn't know he meant birth order. She finally answered as he was also trying to explain himself, I guess he realized she didn't understand his question. She simply said " How could I be in the middle? They are conjoined twins." But he didn't hear her, because he was talking at the same time. All he heard was they are twins. So he asked if they are older or younger than her, and she answered younger. And he asked if they would let her fix their hair, it happened to be crazy hair day so he was having fun with her hair. She told him, "No, probably not." And we were finished and we said our good byes. When we got in the car she told me that she didn't know what he meant, she thought for a second that he did know they were conjoined twins and he was teasing with her. But she was happy as could be and it didn't bother her at all. We did talk about the boys on the way home that day. Just because it got her thinking, she was sharing some of her thoughts that she has had about the boys. She asked me if I thought people would have stared at them. I told her that some people would have stared at them, and that most people would be curious but once we welcomed them and their questions we would just make more friends and that it would mostly be a wonderful experience. She said she wished it could have happened that way, but she is still glad they are with Jesus. She is just amazing and she makes me so proud every single day.

I learned some sad news this weekend, the Delgado's had their twins, Melodie and Madison on November 11Th. If you do not know about them, you can check out their blog at http://www.goodtimesdelgadostyle.blogspot.com/. Vanessa visited our website some time ago, and we have been praying for them ever since. They were conjoined similar to Joshua and Caleb, and they lived only an hour. I know what they are going through right now, and it breaks my heart for them. They seem to have a wonderful faith in God, and I know He will see them through, but please pray for them, Jason and Vanessa and their daughter Kenya and Vanessa's sister that is 15 that lives with them, Destinee. I know all of the prayers that have been sent up for us is what got us through those really hard days, and continues to do so. It has only been 4 months, but I can say that time does help. It is still hard some days, but the wonderful memories of holding our boys and the thoughts of them and how perfect they are today with Jesus fills most of my time these days, instead of the sad thoughts. I had a dream last night that I was still pregnant with them, and I felt them kick! It was so real and amazing, and it woke me up and I can still remember what it felt like. I would probably give my right arm to have them there in my belly, all safe and snug again. But at the same time, I would not take them from Jesus, either. I will get to hold them again one day when I join them in heaven, until then I will be happy with my memories. I wonder sometimes if they will grow up in heaven. Do they stay an hour and a half old? If I die when I am 80 and they would be 45, when I arrive in heaven will I have 45 year old sons that are bigger than me or will I have tiny little babies, only an hour and a half old that I can cradle in my arms? And of course I wonder if they will be conjoined or separated. I just can't decide! I look at their pictures and they look so beautiful and perfect to me, so I am sure God sees them even more perfect than I do, since he created them and all. So, as long as they are happy maybe they are still conjoined. Or maybe they are sometimes and they are not sometimes. I just know in that dream that I had where I could hear Caleb's thoughts, he didn't really know they were conjoined but he had this over-powering desire to be with Joshua all the time. So maybe that is how it is. Or maybe that is just how my crazy mind works! Scary, isn't it?

So we are getting ready for Thanksgiving, and we are all very excited it is this week. Tuesday night we get to go to the Fantasy of Trees Gala, thanks to Bill and Wanda for the tickets! We will get all dressed up, and Billie is going, too. She has been before, but doesn't remember. She is excited for it. She loves Christmas and all the lights and decorations, she is going to have a blast with all of those trees! I hope we run into our doctors from NICU at Children's while we are there, since it is a benefit for Children's Hospital. It would be wonderful to see them again. They were so good to us, through the entire process and especially the day the boys were born. I know they did everything in their power to try to help the boys, and we are so grateful to them for all they did.

I am taking an exam Tuesday, so wish me luck. Matt is smoking a turkey on Wednesday. And of course I will go shopping with Elizabeth on Friday! Only day of the year that crowds don't bother me. I am so excited! It is one of my most favorite things that happen all year. We have so much fun shopping together. We don't even buy that much, but it is just fun to get that one amazing deal! That door stopper that everyone wants! I guess that brings you up to speed on all that is going on here. Maybe I will surprise you and blog again later in the week! If not, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for this year, it will be hard to list them all, but I will make it a point to count all of my blessings and thank God for all the good he has done in my life.

Crazy Hair Day, Soccer, Halloween and a Dream!

We have had an exciting few days. Friday night was Halloween, of course. Billie dressed as Glinda the good witch from the "Wizard of Oz." She was so cute. Her Grandma Rosecrance made her dress for her, and it was so perfect. We had petros and went trick - or -treating with Ya-Ya and Papou. Ok, so the picture here is sideways, I will fix it and post another one later, but I wanted to get it on here for you to see!

Then on Saturday, we went to Morristown for a soccer tournament. Unfortunately, we lost all three games. But the kids had a good time, and it was a good learning experience for them. It was fun to be with the great kids and parents of our team for one last time this season. The tournament marked the end of the season, so we won't all be together again until the spring, except for a Celebration party on Saturday for the kids to get their trophies. I posted some pictures here of Billie and her team, and of Matt as a referee. Billie is number 26. Matt not only volunteered to be assistant coach again this season, but he also volunteered to be a referee. So he spent a lot of time on soccer this season just so Billie would be able to play, and we appreciate it so much. He enjoys being with the kids, but he went way above and beyond this season.

This week at school is spirit week. Monday was PJ day, and Billie wore her PJ's to school! She always enjoys that. Yesterday she was off for election day, but she went to the school with Matt and I as we casted our votes. Today was crazy hair day, and you will see how we did her hair for the occasion. I had red hair spray from Halloween last year when she was Princess Fiona from Shrek, so we used it today to help make her hair even crazier. She was proud as she got to school today. She really gets into spirit week, and she already has her attire for tomorrow picked out for "Crazy mix-match hat day." I am not sure if that means you wear a crazy hat, but Billie seems to think it means you wear crazy mix-matched clothes and also you wear a hat, so that is what she has planned. I will try to catch a picture of it and get it posted for you, too.

I guess that about catches you up on the fun we have had over the last several days. We are looking forward to a slower-paced rest of the week/weekend. Matt and I are both fighting a cold or something and we feel awful. Hopefully Billie will escape it this time, especially since she just had something herself a few weeks ago.

I have decided to share a dream with you all. I hope you get as much enjoyment out of the story as Matt and I did. Not a dream like "I have a Dream," but an actual dream I had one night last week. Usually I do not get to have good dreams, usually they are awful scary nightmares, but one night last week I had babies on my mind and I got to dream about ours. I was walking up to a crib and I saw Joshua and Caleb laying in it. I thought to myself, "I must be in Heaven. God is letting me visit the boys!" As I walked up to the crib, I could hear Caleb thinking. I know that sounds weird, but they were their correct age, about 3 1/2 months old, and they couldn't talk. But I could hear him think, and I just knew it was Caleb and he thought "OH! There is Mommy. I hope she picks us both up!" I said or thought back to him, (I am not sure if I talked or just thought, to be honest) "Of course I am going to pick you both up!" I picked them up, and they were still conjoined. They laughed and cooed and smiled and kicked and wiggled their arms. They were so sweat and the smelled so good. Yes, I could actually smell them. I held them for a while and then I decided to give them a bath. I do not know why I decided to give them a bath, maybe just because it is something intimate that you do for your children and for people you love and take care of, and it is something I never got to do for them. But they were clean, they smelled so good! They loved their bath and were very happy splashing in the water. I never heard Joshua "thinking" but I always heard Caleb's thoughts. I can't remember exactly what he said except for that first thing, but as my time with them went on I remember realizing he didn't know they were conjoined, but he had a deep desire to always be with Joshua, and he would think things that gave me that impression. After I wrapped them in a towel, I woke up. I did shed a few tears when I woke up, but they were happy tears. I really felt like I had been with our babies. It was a wonderful miracle to me. I couldn't wait to tell Matt all about it, and he has had me repeat the story to him more than once because he enjoyed it so much, too. I have thought about that dream so much ever since that night. I was so lucky to get to feel so close to them. I wish I could have that dream every night, but it might not seem so special, I guess. It felt so real and it left me with such a peace. When I think about it, I think God gave it to me. I don't think I was really in Heaven or anything, but I do think God gave me that dream. It was better than anything my mind could have thought up. I feel like I have this unique understanding of how our boys think of us, and how they spend their time. They were so happy to see me, but they didn't miss me and they weren't even really surprised to see me. I will leave it as that for now, if I share any more you might think I have gone completely nuts and lost my mind! I can assure you all, I am totally sane and sound of mind. I almost wasn't going to share this with anyone but Matt, but then I decided that was very selfish of me and after all you have been through with us, you deserved to share in this happiness with us.

That is all for now, but know that we still covet your prayers and happy thoughts for us. We love you all, and thank you for your never ending support!

Our Marine

WOW! We had the best experience the week of the 16th. We got to go to Paris Island and see Evan graduate from basic training. I have never been to any military ceremonies before, and I really enjoyed it. Billie was so proud, too. Matt was beaming, of course! Evan is still his sweet self, making time to talk to all of us on family day, but you could tell he had done some growing up. He had 10 days leave and headed to North Carolina yesterday to begin his Infantry training. Matt talked to him yesterday and said he was excited to start his Infantry training. Our prayers are that he will not be deployed. Billie is especially worried about that. God knows best, and we will put our trust in him to watch over Evan and keep him safe. Billie made a poster and took it to school Monday to tell her friends all about the time we had with Evan and his wonderful family. She wore her shirt we bought her at the base in support of Evan's battalion. She was so excited to go to school, especially after having 11 days off! She jumped right out of bed and got dressed so quickly.

We had a good week off with her, she had fall break all last week. We went to the opening day of High School Musical 3! It was a very exciting day for her, and we all had fun and enjoyed it. The movie was adorable, if not a little cheesy. We went with our friends Larisa, Caiden and Brenna. The kids especially enjoyed themselves. Saturday was Billie's last in-season soccer game, unfortunately it was not a win for us, but they played hard. She has a tournament in Morristown this weekend. It is her first tournament, and I just hope she makes it through the weekend. It is a lot of soccer for a 7 year old! It should be a fun weekend.

We are all geared up for Halloween! Billie is going as Glenda the "Good Witch" from the Wizard of Oz. Grandma Rosecrance made her a beautiful gown! She got to wear it last Monday to fantasy week at dance. She looks so adorable in it. I will post a picture of her after Friday night.

I am doing better emotionally, finally I almost feel like myself again. I am back at school and working on a class I had to take an incomplete in last semester when we were travelling for the boys. I have my schedule all worked out for the Spring semester, and will begin that in January. I am looking forward to it , all except for organic chemistry! Hopefully it won't be that bad. We will see. I feel myself coming out of that debilitating fog, though. I knew I would eventually, and I just had to be patient. We still miss Joshua and Caleb so very bad, though. Matt and I both have lots of dreams about them, most of them are not good dreams. We gave a video testimony, a very short one, for our church on Sunday. We did it together, and that was so good to do together. It did get our subconscious working though, because we both ended up with bad dreams that night. The video will be shown some time in November. It is about pain and experiencing God through pain. We only had a minute to tell our pain and how we experienced God, I had so much to say it was impossible to narrow it down to just one way. I have shared so much of how God has been with us through all of this, how God has been in control of everything and how God is so good to us. There is still so much I could and will share, eventually. We are so blessed by God. When I actually think about all God has done for us, it is truly amazing. I think working on giving that short testimony actually helped me emotionally. It forced me to really acknowledge all that God has done for us. It's not that I don't realize it daily, but I don't concentrate on it daily. I need to, obviously, because it makes me a better person. It makes me more myself, happy and healthier. It also makes me so sad for people that do not accept God and his blessings for themselves. I know I would never have made it through my life without God. How anyone makes it through hard times on their own, I do not know. God makes it so much easier, so much better, just possible even. God is Good!

I will try to update again soon, but I do realize I say that at the end of like every blog and then I still go weeks in between. What can I say? I am a busy person!! I love you all and still need your prayers and support. Have a wonderful week.

I Owe You an Apology

I am so sorry, I have done a terrible job of keeping everyone up to date on my blog. I was just looking through a history, and I had no idea I had done so little. Please forgive me, and while I will promise now to try to do better, I know it may not be possible. But, I promise I will try. We are so busy all of the time, but not a whole lot changes and there has not been that much new stuff going on. Billie keeps us going with Piano lessons, soccer practice and games, ballet class, school and church. She is busy every night of the week except Friday! But it is all fun, and she enjoys it so much.

We went to Atlanta weekend before last to check on Matt's house there. We have renters that are wonderful. We just needed to check in because we had not since they moved in almost a year ago. They are fantastic, we could not ask for better renters. We are hopeful they will stay a long time, since now is not the time to sell a house. We got to spend time with our friends Greg and Leslie and their children, Keaton and Lauren. We had a nice visit, and Billie and Lauren had an excellent time together. We hope to get down there more often, and this trip was a quick one, we would rather have more time with them.

On the 16th we get to go see Evan graduate from basic training. We are so excited for that. The time has passed so quickly, I can't believe it is time for him to graduate already. I am sure it has not passed as quickly for him, though. We are going to get to spend some time with him and his mom, Joan. It should be wonderful. Billie gets to miss two days of school to go, so I know she will be happy! Although, she loves school, she would rather have fun with Evan than be at school. The next week is fall break, so she will have lots of time off. We still haven't decided how we will spend her fall break, but it will be fun no matter what we do. Last year she got to go to Disney with her grandparents! Nothing like that is planned this year, but we will make it fun.

As far as how we are doing, we are doing better, I think. We still have bad days, sad days, and just hard days. Yesterday we both missed Joshua and Caleb so much. I don't know why yesterday, but we did. This weekend Cathie, Matt's mom, bought all kinds of stuff to make some decorations for the cemetery, so her and Janet and I worked on them together. We ended up with two beautiful arrangements, and one amazing wreath. They looked so good, very fall-ish and she got two little teddy bears for the wreath that were adorable. It warmed our hearts and made us feel closer to our baby boys. I guess I have been angry for a few weeks now. I don't know why or where it comes from, or even who it is directed at. But I just have some anger that I am trying to deal with. I think it is just a part of the grieving process. It is just something I have to deal with. It isn't over powering, but it is there. So, I pray about it and try not to feel sorry for myself. I don't like feeling this anger, and I am going to get rid of it with God's help. It's not that I am angry at God, not at all. Like I said, I am not sure who it is at and maybe I need to figure that out before I can really get rid of it. Maybe it is just at the situation. When I figure it out, I will let you know.

I promise to try harder to update you more often! Don't give up on me. I still covet your prayers and your encouragement, and so does Matt.

Home at Last

Hello! Let me first thank you for your support again. Thank you for your prayers and for being so happy for us and for signing the guest book. We had an amazing time in California. This will just be a short blog to catch everyone up, but I will sit down and really update you all later in the week. We did have an amazing time, and met some wonderful people out there. I got to know Matt's Aunt Nancy and Uncle Bob, and they are wonderful and precious and we had a blast with them. A HUGE thank you to both of them is needed; they gave us the opportunity for some wonderful healing between the two of us and God. I am sure eventually we would have gotten there, this place of healing that we are now in, but they made the offer of this trip at the most perfect time for us. I am sure God had something to do with that, he always knows what we need when we need it, but it took them to listen to him and extend the offer. We will always remember what Uncle Bob and Aunt Nancy gave to us.

We had a wonderful time, but it was so good to get back to Billie. She is so amazing, and so brave. She did have a wonderful time and a big thank you also goes out to Greg, Kellee, Mackenzie and Courtney and to Bill and Wanda for taking such good care of our little girl while we were gone. She missed us, but had a great time, too.

It was crazy getting back into the swing of things once we did get home. We had to jump right back in! It was a tiring week, but it made way for a great weekend. After church, we spent the day Sunday playing and having a wonderful family day. Billie learned how to ride her bike with out training wheels! She has always been so scared to do it, but the day finally came when we all decided it was just time. She did so good and made us so very proud. I will load some pictures of the big event later in the week, as well.

That is about it. I just wanted everyone to know we are back home, and much better, stronger and healthier than when we left. We both feel closer to God and to each other. I couldn't have asked for more than what we got out of it. God is SO GOOD! Love to all!!

San Diego

Matt and I are actually in San Diego on a sail boat with his Uncle Bob and Aunt Nancy, and having a wonderful time. They offered to let us come out and get away, and we took them up on it. We flew out here on Monday. We sailed the harbor Tuesday, and took a longer sail out to sea today to see how I would feel. Tomorrow we leave early in the morning for Oceanside, and then Newport and finally Catalina Island! So far so good, as far as sea sickness for me. Matt has sailed before with them, but I never have and with my trouble getting car sick all the time, I was very nervous. I did fine going out, but coming back the wind changed and I didn’t do as well. But, I recovered and I know to take my meds tomorrow morning first thing! We set sail at 6:30 am. I am excited, and thankful and a little nervous. I like sailing, though. It is slow and relaxing. Peaceful and serene. God feels close, and so do our boys. Matt said today he keeps drawing them in his head. I hope he will draw them one day, I am sure he could draw them even more beautiful then they were. I see them in my dreams, and they are so sweet and happy. It is hard to believe it has been over 7 weeks now since I held them in my arms and kissed their soft skin. But it has been, and I am still here and I am still surviving. In fact, I am more than surviving. I am doing much better than I was a couple weeks ago. This trip is for us, to spend time together as a couple and have no stress on us. Just concentrate on loving each other and relaxing. To get away from the constant reminders. But what is so wonderful is that we see what God has made all around us, and that reminds us that he also made our boys, his boys. So perfect and in his image and for his purpose. We are so blessed by what they have brought to our lives. I would not have done it any differently than we did it. There is still part of me that day dreams about taking care of them , hearing them cry and seeing them smile, but I wouldn’t take them from God for all of the money in the world. It wasn’t meant to be that way, that was not part of God’s plan. What we wanted all along was God’s will, and that is what happened. I guess it would have happened that way no matter what, but it all felt right and has left an inner peace somewhere deep down in my heart that tells me everything is right and the way it should be.

I will try to post another update if I can while we are out here. I included a few pictures from our sail today, so enjoy them! Most of you will be receiving something from us this week, and we hope you enjoy the pictures of the beautiful Joshua and Caleb. We had a hard time picking a few out, they are all so good!! LOVE YOU ALL!!