Happy Harper

Harper is pretty happy most of the time - and she loves to smile and laugh!

Just a quick update. I am working on a special blog entry, one that I should have done a while ago and it is taking me a while to complete it. But I hated to keep going too long with out an update. Harper is doing great and so is Billie. I am finally feeling more like myself, too. For those that do not know, I had an incisional hernia from my surgery with Harper and I had to have it repaired. It came up a few days after my surgery and I was hoping it would go away on it's own, but instead it just got worse. The surgeon told me that it would be very painful, even worse than my c-section, but I didn't believe him. It's a good thing, or else I would not have done it. He told me the next day that no patient ever does believe him. I had to stay one night in the hospital to manage the pain, although I really didn't want to stay after I tried to get up the second time, I relented and agreed to one night away from my babies. Kellee stayed with them and they were of course fine! But it was hard to be away. I think it would have been easier if we had been say, at the Grove Park Inn enjoying the spa! It was no spa, but everyone (minus one cranky lady) was very nice to us and took very good care of us. And even though it hurt so bad, I loved my surgeon. I am not completely healed yet, but I am doing much much better. It took about two weeks before I could care for Harper and myself again. Kellee and Cathie helped me during that time. I am able to drive again, I just can't lift anything heavy yet. It won't be long, though, and I will be good as new! We take Harper back to the therapist next week and I am so excited to show her how amazingly well she has mastered all of her tasks/goals and to get new exercises and goals to begin working on with her. I know this wasn't a big update, but it is all I have time for. Love and thanks to everyone!

A Soreness in My Soul

Yesterday I had to take Harper to the Pulmonologist for her synagis shot (to prevent RSV) and I was in a huge hurry. Harper had been very fussy all morning, not wanting me to set her down anywhere. That is very unlike her, but we dealt with it. I haven't taken her anywhere on my own since my surgery two weeks ago (more on that later), so it was a challenge to get myself and her ready and out the door. So much of a challenge, I actually forgot to put our dog, Blue, in her kennel before leaving the house. OOPS! Big no-no! Anyway, I got us in the car and all buckled in and started on my way. As I pulled out of the neighborhood, a song came on my radio that just took me back instantly to the operating room 3.5 years ago. It was a Jack Johnson song, Upside Down I think is the name of it. The anesthesiologist, Roger, played the Curious George soundtrack during my delivery of the boys. I hadn't thought about that in a long time. The song took me straight back and the tears just flowed. I could even smell the operating room. I could see the blue curtain. And I could feel my nerves rising up inside my chest cavity, making it hard to breathe. I remembered how it felt as Dr. Bruner was pulling and tugging and remembered him saying he was having a hard time getting the second baby out. I just let myself think about all of this and play it all out in my mind for about 5 minutes as I drove. Probably not smart, but I needed to let myself "wallow" for a minute, as I like to put it. Then I saw the boys all purple and lifeless as he held them up above the curtain for me to see and I heard the silence in the room. Everyone was holding their breath to see if the boys would take their first. And they did! The last thing I let myself remember was getting sick and telling Roger I needed something. This is gross, but I remembered how it felt like my insides were flying out all over the room as I heaved and Dr. Bruner saying "You're not hurting anything up here, we are fine." That was definitely the weirdest feeling I have ever felt. It probably was only in my mind, since I was numb, but I could feel pressure and movement as they moved things and placed things back, so maybe I did feel something. It was so scary. So that's when I cut my trip down memory lane off. The scary feeling of my insides strown across the room, and the sweet memory of my boys taking a breath all on their own, all mixed up into each other. I calmed myself down and drove to the hospital.
Isn't it amazing that one line in a song, or maybe even three little notes arranged just so, can take you back so vividly. On one hand, I treasure those memories and I love them because that is all I have left of Joshua and Caleb. On the other hand, it is painful and raw and hard to go back there. I feel "hung over" today from it, much like I feel the day after a migraine, only not in my head more in my soul. My soul is a little sore today. Sore from the memory, and also sore from the guilt. I should not be wallowing, look at the many blessings around me! Hello, wake up! Be happy, count your blessings. So as I walk by the boys picture a thousand times today on my way to the nursery, I will keep my eyes on Harper or the floor to spare my soul a little. I will pray all day prayers of thanksgiving. I will ask God to give them each more kisses and hugs from me, and try to soothe my soul with those sweet thoughts. Tomorrow it will be better because God is good all of the time. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

Sisters

My girls are amazing sisters. Harper looks at Billie with such adoration, even at this young of an age. I hope that never changes. Billie absolutely is the most loving, tender, sweet, 10 year old big sister that ever could be. She is selfless when it comes to her sister. That amazes me every single time. She also loves to hold her sister and cuddle with her. She is always asking if she can "wash up and hold her." She sings to her all of the time, and makes up silly songs to entertain her with. She reads to her a lot, too. She just loves to spend time with her in any way. The other day Harper was fussy and I needed to wash bottles, Billie volunteered to lovingly sit on the couch and hold her fussy sister and before I knew it, Harper had fallen asleep in Billie's arms. I went to take her from Billie to lay her down, and Billie protested "OH, don't take the sweet wittle thing," so I just let her sit there and snuggle with her. I should have taken a picture of it, but I didn't. Billie could be watching TV, reading, riding her bike, or playing with friends but instead she wants to love on her baby sister. That may change as they both get older but for now I am going to watch it and enjoy it so that I can remember it always. It is so comforting to know that they will always have each other, even after we are gone, the girls will have each other to lean on and grow old with. I thank God several times a day for blessing me with these two amazing girls. They are both such miracles in their own ways. I know everyone feels this way about their children, and to most my girls are not any more special then the next, but I see in them a light that sparkles brighter than any other light I have seen before. Just being with them warms my soul and fills my cup to overflowing. Sometimes I let myself miss my boys and day dream about what our home would be like if they were sharing it with us, too. I know they would only make our lives that much brighter and fuller. But I also know they would have had pain and sorrow here and I don't want that for them. I am thankful they are with Jesus and I know they are whole and happy. Thank you God for my beautiful children, all 4 of them!

New Year, New Resolutions

I am always apologizing for not blogging enough, so just know that I am always planning on blogging, daily really, but I jut don't always have the time. To catch you up, we had a great Christmas. It was so good to be together as a family and enjoy each other. Matt was sick with a respiratory virus and Harper got sick the day after Christmas with a respiratory virus and it was pretty bad but she did amazing. Matt stayed away from her from the minute he felt symptoms until he was well, but she still ended up catching it. She was a little fussy and didn't eat or sleep well, but once we got her started on the right breathing treatments she started to improve quickly. Bottom line, she was sick for about 10 days, but did not have to be hospitalized or on antibiotics and with her little lungs that was a miracle and we are thrilled. Since Harper didn't want to be set down at all, and she didn't want me to sit down either, I am pretty exhausted now and glad Matt is all better and can help again. She is feeling great and back to herself, too.

She learned to roll over this week! We are so proud, but now every time we lay her down she rolls to her tummy and this causes all kinds of anxiety for me! For the last few nights I have been flipping her back over to her back and she either wakes up or flips right back to her stomach. Needless to say, I haven't gotten much sleep. I have been praying that, of course, she will be OK even on her tummy, but also that God will teach me how to stop worrying and just give my worries over to Him. Be careful what you pray for, I know. I also keep telling myself that when Billie was a baby she had reflux so bad and I actually laid her on her belly to sleep because that was the only way she would sleep. She was much bigger than Harper, of course, but she was about the same age - 4 months old, which is Harper's corrected age, when we started putting her to bed on her belly. I still will never put Harper to bed on her belly, but at least I can get some comfort from these memories. Harper is great at rolling over, though, and I am very proud of her and how far she has come! She is trying to sit up now, too. If you sit her on your legs with her head on your knees she will do crunches in her attempt to sit up. It is so cute, and she even makes little grunting noises when she does it. She is a long way from sitting up on her own, but we can see her building those muscles in order to be able to.

I wanted to mention New Year's Resolutions here on my blog, mostly so that I have a record of what I thought of, and so I am held accountable, too. I have never made resolutions before, but I felt inspired by a mutual blogger/friend of mine who has similar goals and ideas as my own. So here goes, my resolutions for 2012 are:

1. Be in the Word every day. (So far so good, but I have always struggled with this my whole adult life - just saying.)

2. Get organized. (I could list in what areas, but really it is every area!)

3. Write and research how to get published. (Matt and others in my life are always telling me I should write a book, and I really want to so I am going to put that want into action. I will never have this opportunity again because I will eventually have to go to work and I do not want to waste it.)

4. Run again. (I started running again shortly after I had Harper and gave it up because it was just too soon and I wasn't healed from surgery yet. I used running to help me survive losing the boys and it turned out to be so therapeutic and amazing for me emotionally and physically. I need that back in my life and I miss it terribly.)

OK, now it is out there and I have to do it, right? I will address them from time to time, and you can all feel free to ask me about them if you want. I have this amazing life and such wonderful blessings and I want to share them and bless others, too. Resolutions have always just seemed like a waste of time, something people say they are going to do and never do. But I do want to make positive changes and what better time to make those changes than the beginning of the year? I am sure there are a lot of other changes in my life that I need to make, but these four have been on my mind for a while now. I want to be a person of action, not just always thinking, talking about, or planning to do things. At least I don't have any bad habits I have to give up for the new year! (Matt and Billie might disagree with that statement!)

And now...some pictures to make you smile until next time!

On her belly, I had just laid her down!

In her car seat loving on Minnie Mouse!

Sucking her thumb- she always has her hands in her mouth. She loves to shove her entire fist in her mouth, especially right after a meal - you know what then happens!

Laughs of an Angel

This is a sweet video Billie made of Harper laughing at me. She doesn't laugh a lot and gets very quiet whenever we pull the camera out, so this was amazing footage and Billie did a great job, too! There is nothing sweeter sounding than my children's laugh, Billie and Harper both have amazing giggles! You can't help but smile when you hear them laugh. God is so good and I feel so blessed this year. I would never have believed all that we would go through if you had told me last Christmas, even though I was on bed rest this time last year. It was a very difficult pregnancy, and an even more difficult delivery and recovery - especially for sweet little Harper Grace, but it was SO worth it. She has worked so hard to get to this point. It is just a miracle to see her sweet smiles and hear her amazing laughter. I don't know if life on Earth can get any better than this! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

First Solids

I only have a second, but I thought I would share this little video of Harper eating her first bite of solid food. We took her to her pediatrician yesterday and he started her on rice cereal. She weighed 10 pounds 5 ounces! Such a big girl! The conversation Matt and I have about it is funnier than Harper eating for the first time! Good times, lol! Enjoy...

Christmas Memories

Hello! Sorry it has been over a month since our last update. We have been so busy. Harper and I are getting into a better schedule/routine, though, and I am able to get more things accomplished. I enjoy her so much. She is such a good baby. She does rule the roost, but what baby doesn't? Billie always did, too. Harper doesn't really cry much at all, even when she is hungry. She doesn't like to be woke up so if a loud noise startles her or I have to put her in the car seat while she is still asleep, then she screams at me. She fights sleep, too, and will usually cry when I lay her down, or even if she is very sleepy and we are still holding her she will rub her eyes and cry. But it usually doesn't last more than 3 minutes and she is out. Except for during a meal, she doesn't fall asleep in our arms much anymore. She wants to lay in her bed and sleep on her own. Or stay up for hours on end! She naps her best in the morning, but does take several short naps in the afternoon. She has been sleeping through the night quite a bit, and usually wakes up only one time during the night. There are exceptions to all of this, of course, like the day she got her synagis shot. It is kind of like a flu shot, but intended to prevent RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus). I may have already blogged about this, but just to be sure everyone understands, RSV is a virus everyone can get, but in babies it is very dangerous and in preemies and those babies with lung problems, it can be deadly. If she were to get RSV she would more than likely be on the ventilator again, and she may not even survive it. The shot is given during RSV season and it is only good for 30 days, so she gets one a month for 5 months. The nurse said they are painful shots, and Harper agrees - she screams for 20 minutes at least after she gets it, and then is so fussy the rest of the day and night. It really hurts her feelings, and it breaks our hearts.When she gets normal boosters, she screams for about 1 to 3 minutes and then is fine. The shot doesn't necessarily keep her from getting RSV, but if she does get it, hopefully it will not be as bad of a case. But hopefully we can keep her from getting it all together by not having her around anyone. The thing with RSV is that you don't really know you have it as an older child or adult, it can just be a runny nose for you because you have the antibodies to fight it off. Harper doesn't have that ability. SO we will keep her isolated through RSV season, which means no Christmas parties for Harper. I do take her out some, but I keep her in her car seat covered up and I do not allow anyone to even look at her. If I hear someone sneeze or cough, I run the other way, too! I don't take her out much, though. Usually Matt or I stay home with her and the other goes where ever we need to go with Billie. Or we just don't go at all. We have taken her to church twice now, but we don't let anyone get close and go to the early service and sit in the section no on else sits in. It's so nice to go to church as a family again - I can't even explain it. I know Billie loves it, too. Enough rambling, sorry. But I know I didn't really understand all of the RSV stuff before I had babies.

Christmas is bitter sweet, as I am sure it is for everyone. As we pulled out the decorations, so many of them brought back sweet memories of Michael and of Joshua and Caleb. There's always part of me that longs to be with each of them, and Christmas is always the hardest. We have ornaments that were Michael's as a child, and our "just married" ornaments that I love to put on the tree, but always shed a few tears as I pull them out. Billie loves to hang his fishing themed ornaments every year. It always leads into fun stories about her daddy, and Billie loves nothing more than a fun story! We also have ornaments that were purchased with the boys in mind. They never had a first Christmas, but we always felt we should include them in our Christmas traditions. They are still such a big part of our family and always on our hearts and minds. I always let my mind wonder a little bit about what they would be doing this year had they made it to this, their 4th Christmas. Then I try to picture them in heaven and I still fight with myself and my mind's picture of them in heaven. Are they conjoined or separated in heaven? People have strong opinions about this. Most people feel they are for sure separated and their reason is that heaven is perfect and we receive perfect, heavenly bodies when we arrive there. But the truth is that none of us actually know, we just try to interpret what we read in the bible. I am sure the answer is actually there, but since it is open to our interpretation, I won't feel like I really know until I see them again for myself. The thing is, while others may see them conjoined as not perfect, God doesn't make mistakes and they were not a mistake. They were perfectly made by God. They were so beautiful. I know there bodies were not made to survive here on Earth, but maybe they had exactly what they needed to be in heaven. Maybe their bodies were perfect for heaven. Maybe God had great things for them to do in heaven and they needed to be conjoined to do those great things. I know I have mentioned these thoughts in the blog before, but it just is fresh on my mind and good to get out. The same thing I say to myself about Michael to make myself feel better, that he is cured in heaven and has a new body with out cancer, is the thing that has me so perplexed about my boys in heaven. I don't know why I struggle so much with this. If I am honest, I would say it is guilt. Because part of me thinks if they had just separated on time in the womb, they would just be perfect identical boys and they would be here with us this Christmas. It is that part of me that still wishes that would have happened, even though I loved them so much just the way the were and I know it is selfish of me to wish it. I feel guilty for wishing they were here with me instead of with Jesus. I feel guilty for wishing they would not have been conjoined, because I know that was God's will and I got to witness such a wondrous outpouring of love around us because they were conjoined. I also feel guilty because if they had survived, I probably wouldn't have Harper today. I can not imaging my life without Harper! She is such a blessing, and such a miracle. All of this is just to say, I still struggle every day. I struggle with what I have and what I don't have. I miss Michael, and feel guilty for missing Michael because I am so loved and so blessed. I miss the boys and feel guilty for missing the boys, because I am so blessed with the two beautiful girls I do have. But I can tell you a person is not replaceable. One person does not replace another.

Matt spent the other night compiling a list of addresses for me to help get the Christmas cards addressed with. While he was searching on his computer, he found pictures of Joshua and Caleb and couldn't stop himself from looking. Looking, wallowing, call it what you want, but it surprised him how hard it was still this many years later to look at the day they were born. The feelings are still there, you just push them way down inside and secure them there. Some days are easier than others, and you have more minutes or hours in between that you don't think about them, but they are always there. They say time heals all wounds, but I think the wounds are still there and we just find ways to put bandaids on them. Those bandaids get ripped off, sometimes when we least expect it, and it still hurts just as much. We learn to live with the heart ache. You don't ever stop loving. I walked into his office as he was looking, saw one picture and ran right back out, knowing I wasn't emotionally able to go there that night. Some days I want to and can handle it better than other days. I was already so emotional from the decorations and just with it being Christmas time, plus being sleep deprived and exhausted from taking care of Harper, I knew there was no way I could go there.

Now our tree is decorated and the sweet ornaments that bring back memories are hung and are free to remind us. There are funny memories, like the ornament I affectionately refer to as "The Taj Mahal" which is Matt's and his grandma made it many years ago. Let's just say it's an attention getter from the 70's, and leave it at that! There is the adorable paper ornament with Billie's 5 year old smiling face on one side labeled "nice", and her pouty face on the other side labeled "Naughty!" We have lots of frogs on our tree, since Billie is a frog-maniac, and lots of Disney ornaments, since I am a Disney-maniac. There is no theme to our tree other than it represents our fun and crazy family. This year we will add some to it to represent Harper and Billie and this time in their lives'. Next year when we pull out the decorations, we will be fighting with a 20 month old toddler trying to pull everything down and put everything in her mouth! Maybe we will have to put a barrier between her and the tree to keep her from pulling it down on herself! I don't know what kind of a toddler she will be, but I kind of think she will give us a run for our money, just judging by the fight and determination God has clearly instilled in her - thus her surviving from such a teeny-tiny start! I have been mentally preparing myself for that. I keep telling myself, when she throws a fit when she is 2, or her first word is "NO!" I will have to just thank God and laugh because that is why I have her here with me to begin with! You all remind me of that if I need it though, Okay?

I am sure you are ready for the latest pictures, right? SO here they are:

Harper at the apnea/pulmonology office -- They weighed her in at 10 Pounds on the dot!! And just shy of 21 inches! Our girl is growing! I love this picture - her expression is so funny, almost a "snotty" look!
How cute are these two? Best hat ever, too. It is so warm and it actually stays on her head!
Billie checked out a book from her school library just to read to her sister. SO SWEET! So we put them in Christmas PJ's that night and snapped a few presh pics!
OK, not a great pic of us - you try to hold a baby and take a picture of three girls with HUGE eyes that always blink! IT was so fun, I just had to include it. We laughed so hard doing this, even Harper was laughing. Not that you can really see it, but this was in front of our tree.

This was Sunday after church, Harper's second time attending church. She was so quiet both times, and really enjoyed the music. Billie and Harper are so adorable together. Harper just lights up at Billie's face or voice. And Billie is just so in love with her little sister. I so enjoy watching her interact and even just listening to her talk to her sister in the car as we run errands or pick Billie up from school. Billie is so animated with Harper and knows just how to cheer her up or calm her fussiness. We are so blessed.