I haven't had a lot to say in the last five days. Well, that is not exactly true. I was always taught if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all, so I have been silent. Even knowing that God is with us and that his will was done, I found myself completely taken over by my grief in the last five days. I know Matt feels the same way, too. We are leaning on each other, though, and are drawn closer by our grief for which I am so thankful to God for. Today our boys would be two weeks old. By now we would know their personalities well; which was more fussy and demanding, which was the good eater, and which really needed his sleep. I miss all that comes with having a baby, and I miss it twice as much. It is amazing that I had identical twins! When I step back and try to wrap my mind around it I find it so hard to believe and even understand. I never thought I would have twins. They blessed my life so much and completely changed me forever. I am so lucky to have experienced our Miracle Twin Boys. I think I will like the woman they made me better than the woman I was. Let's hope everyone else does, too! I know they have made me more thankful to God for every thing and every one. I see things differently, through different eyes. Eyes that are not only more thankful, but more wise, strong, sad and loving. I am not even sure that anyone can understand what I mean unless you have been where we have been. This experience was so different from anything I have ever been through before. Pregnancy the first time brought me such joy and honor. I felt more beautiful and closer to God. I felt so very honored that He found me good enough to bless me with a baby. With Joshua and Caleb I still felt so blessed each time they kicked, and they did a TON of kicking! I also felt so scared and I would pray to God to let them stay where they were forever because I knew they were safe there. I would gladly have stayed pregnant for the rest of my life, just to keep them safe and with us. I also would tell the boys to stay where they were; that as much as I wanted to meet them it wasn't yet time and I needed them to be happy with their current home so that I could keep them safe. The day I went into labor, I knew there was no stopping it and I no longer prayed for that. I instantly went into praying for strength and peace and for God's will. God prepared me for that day, and I was at a place of acceptance. I am so blessed by God that he gave me that. I do admit that over the past two weeks I have begged him to change it, to give us our boys back. Of course, I knew that would not be possible. I knew the second my boys were in heaven and I have always known you do not come back from heaven. I really do not want to take heaven away from my boys, either. But the mommy in me misses them and longs to hold them and love them and take care of them. I can't stop that instinct, and I do not want to. This is just something that I have to work through. So I find myself this morning reading my bible and praying again for strength and peace. I have prayed for that before and He answered my prayers then and He will now, too. It will be in His time, though. After I have learned all from this that he wants me to learn. I am open to the lesson, although I am scared. It can't be worse than what I have already been through, I just hope it isn't to get me ready for some other, bigger challenge. I really do not want to go through anything harder or sadder, and that is what I am scared about. People always say "this is to make you stronger," and to that I have to ask "FOR WHAT?" Are you kidding me? If I have to go through something bigger than this, than my first thought is "I quit!" But the truth is, I know I will not quit. I know God will see me through as he has everything. He is Good and he always carries me through. He has a wonderful plan for me and my family, and I am excited to see that plan. He has blessed us so much, and I am so thankful for my three beautiful children and my wonderful husband. I will always remember that, even when I am in my darkest mood. I know that I do not need my own strength, only the strength that God gives me. I will not try to be strong, but I will let God be strong for me.
"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn." Psalm 19:32-36 This passage gave me strength this morning. God helped me find it so that he could strengthen me this morning because he knew I needed it. Every day for the rest of my life I will say "God is GOOD." I will say it and I will mean it and I will believe it and I will hold on to it deep down in my heart. God has done so much for me through my whole life and I want to acknowledge this every day so that I will not forget even for a second how GOOD God really is to me.
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End of Summer
5 years ago
1 comment:
My dear friends,
The time is coming where you'll hear from people less and less. I am keeping up with you and I do know one thing to be true. If it helps AT ALL and helps you to regain focus, that precious little girl of yours deserves a happy mommy!! Maybe if you put 99% of your focus on her, even if you have to fake it, it might help. I know a woman with breast cancer and a 6 year old daughter. That is what she has to do around her daughter. Her motto is that "Alli doesn't deserve a sick mommy." I know with my own child, even if I tell her I'm sick and I know she cares, she really doesn't get it. She is too young to understand sympathy or empathy. You are a role model for Billie. You are a strong role model for sure and this will def. take time; a lot of time. You and Matt have gone above the call of duty in faith. I am sure that I would have fallen apart by now, beyond help even. But you haven't. Crystal, the sun will still come up tomorrow. No matter if you get up with it or not. You choose to wake up and read your Bible, You are AMAZING!
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